I can't believe I just did this

[Everthenever]

I'm on my own with the kids tonight. Got everybody ready for bed then gave my two older two a chocolatey cereal that I let them have on a Friday night or Saturday morning. It's called Krave. Pure sugar and additives but it's part of their weekend routine and they look forward to it.

I was sending my friend a voice message when my 22 month old started asking for some of the Kraves. In my absolute stupidity I pour out a handful (dry) into a little bowl. She stood munching on them. It crossed my mind that they are a choking hazard and for some reason that thought went out of my mind at once. I'm a choking freak, have done training on it and cut everything into a million pieces. But tonight I disregarded common sense and pottered around our small apartment, leaving a voice note for my friend while doing some bits and bobs.

Next thing I heard an alright cry and the toddler comes to me distressed and gagging, then coughing. I realised that while she had been standing in the livingroom with her bowl of Kraves, and my other kids were in the adjoining kitchen and I was in the bedroom (8 steps away from the living room, I just counted!) she must have started to choke.

I wasn't there. Anything could have happened. I endangered my baby by giving her something unsuitable so I could get a minute to send my friend a message, then left her unsupervised. I was only out of the room for about 2 minutes, door open, older two in adjoining room with door open but honestly.

How could I have been so stupid? Feeling like I don't deserve my children tonight.

Not sure why I'm posting but just getting it off my chest. Not looking sympathy either.

Can't believe I'm such an idiot.

Don't usually give the baby Kraves in any format by the way!

We all make mistakes, give yourself a break, parenting is hard and everyone is OK.

Don't worry. It's been a while since I had a baby but at 22 months I wouldn't think Krave was that dangerous. They can gag on anything.

This! It's no big deal. Everyone makes mistakes. You're probably tired, thinking about a million things to do. Don't beat yourself up about this. Your child was fine. The fact you care so much shows what a usually wonderful and diligent parent you are.

Struggling to swallow, should I say. Which is scary too.

You're not an idiot. Not at all. When my daughter was two, I was sitting right next to her, (but distracted whilst paying bills), as she proceeded to stuff an entire piece of bread in her mouth and nearly choke.

It happens. No matter how careful we try to be, we aren't superheroes.

Love this

It could also have happened right in front of you whilst you were giving her your full attention. And the outcome would have been the same.

You are massively overreacting but you’ve had a shock so it’s understandable

Don’t beat yourself up, it can happen anytime to anyone! At least you cared.

My dh nearly choked on a piece of bread. Stuffed a whole bread cake in his mouth and nearly choked. He was 30 at the time and should know better!

When my first DD was 9 months old we went for a lovely picnic by the lake. We had lots of suitable soft little foods for her to pick up, and some bits for ourselves.

While she was sitting next to both of us, we were both preoccupied doing various quick things like doling out food, opening a smoothie for her or whatever it was, and she managed to pick up a piece of toffeenut latte popcorn and started to choke on it.

It was such a nightmare and so upsetting. But these things do happen and the important thing is you were there and she knew you were there so came running to you.

My second DS also managed to start choking on a strawberry which had been chopped as I always chopped them. Almost got to actually dialling 999 there but DP sorted it.

Choking is so horrible and one of my worst fears with young DC. You did nothing wrong and it happens to all of us.

I'm shaken up by the fact that the only way I knew she was having difficulty was that she was crying. If she had have been properly choking, she wouldn't have made any noise and I wouldn't have known.

If I had have been right beside her then I would have been able to react or intervene.

I'm extremely angry with myself for putting her in a position where I wasn't there to notice if she was silently choking or turning blue etc. It's not that in upset because my child coughed up a Krave. It's because it could have been worse and I didn't notice.

It's like I forgot my toddler even existed when I was sending that voice message. I've checked the message exchange and I was out of the room for around 10 minutes, maybe slightly under. My older two kids were near her but she's my responsibility. I'm just processing my rubbishness tonight. I'm usually so safety conscious!

we've all made mistakes. 2 year olds aren't very sensible and you were momentarily mentally busy, it happens.

Kraves are weird in that they don't go soft/mushy. Two of my kids love them too, the youngest is 9 and I still get the fear.

One of my 9yos last week was out with his 13yo sister and choked on a marshmallow, she knew exactly what to do as I had sent her and eldest to first aid classes. I know that sounds bonkers but her and dh are massive panickers and one of the twins had an accident while I was away from home and didn't know what the hell to do. So the lot of them went to first aid training so at least of one the kids could try calm dad the fuck down.

And well done @overthehill5 always one that's gotta be a twunt.

Another self-flagellation thread. They’re almost daily.

If you do something daft you can learn from it without inviting a bunch of strangers to judge you.

I don’t mean that unkindly, it just seems like a really unhealthy trend that’s emerging.

Wouldn’t have even occurred to be about a child choking on krave. Give yourself a break.

Thanks for saying this. What is it on MN these days? It's like competitive self-flagellation.

Yes, of course you'd get a bit of a shock. But it's honestly excessive to over-react this much.

Agree with above.

Saying you feel like you don't deserve your children is ridiculous. Your dc is 22 months not 2 months. Children choke. Every single child has coughed up some food.

It's a bit of a shock, then learn and move on.

Exactly. A bit of food went down the wrong way. She coughed, which is the reflex that protects our airway. People use the word “choke” completely wrongly.
She was fine. She did not choke.

Please stop beating yourself up @Everthenever . Nothing happened and there’s no value in torturing yourself over the “what could have happened” scenarios. You’ll just make yourself more anxious and that could set you down the path of disordered thinking and over-protectiveness

Stop it now. Stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake. Yes, it could have had dire consequences, but it didn't. Stop it - what good is flagellating yourself doing?

My dc was 4 when they choked on a hot dog when I was sitting right next to them, chatting to my dad. Yes, it was scary. I understand how you feel - to an extent - but you have to accept it for what it was, learn from it and move on.

I am exactly the same as you. I worked in a Mortuary and while the most common things for toddlers/children and the elderly to choke on are tough meats (sausage/steak/beef), grapes/boiled hard sweets, there is always a risk of something "out of the ordinary" causing a choking hazard.

I cut absolutely everything up. My kids don't get grapes until they learn to bite right into them straight away and chew and sausages are annihilated back into ground meat until the same stage. So I could never have imagined that my 19 month old (at the time) would choke on apples that were cut small enough to ease my anxiety. Instead of eating one at a time like a normal child he had stuffed 5 cubes into his mouth when I spent less than a second turning to grab my tea off the windowsill behind us. I'd just refreshed my paed first aid training the week before so gave him some firm shunts on the back before I realized I needed to call 999 (He brought some of them up but not all). On the phone to the operator he coughed hum the rest. It wasn't until the Paramedics were sat in my living room that realization of what just happened set in and I broke down!

My point is, no matter how careful you are, no matter what you do with your child's food and drink and how closely you watch them, children can find a way choke on almost anything and 99.999999999999% of the time they get it out and are fine. They then learn how to control their intake, chew their food properly and take liquids when things are too dry, and we learn as parents to offer a drink.

In the words of Blueys Mums friend, You're doing great.

As a parent of 3 adult children I can say, hand on heart, that I have fucked up with each of them on this level at least once.
But it’s never been done out of neglect, malice or indifference. It’s been a human error and they’ve all survived.

Equally, when DS was around 15 months old he choked on pitta bread right in front of me - still scary, still leaves you questioning yourself and your choices/actions.

Try looking at the outcome, what you would do differently (if possible) next time and remember that just being alive is a constant learning curve!

You’ve had a fright. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Thanks everyone. About an hour has passed and I'm feeling fine now. It wasn't self flaggelation but I just wanted to process it with people who don't know me. I wanted to type out my feelings in that moment and have some way to express that sense of overwhelming responsibility for young life that sweeps over you from time to time, with some strangers.

I'm not an overly anxious parent. Cautious and risk aware, yes, but I don't beat myself up too much until I get a flashing reminder of how quickly things can, in theory, go wrong. Then I kick myself and move on. I was just processing.

I really resent the sentiment that wanting to talk through that initial shock on an anonymous forum has any underlying competitive motives at all. In contrast, I think it's unhealthy to hold these feelings in when your instinct is just to share an experience. Motherhood can feel lonely enough as it is.

Please don’t beat yourself up but do take it as a lesson to not do something similar. My eldest DS has choked on a couple of occasions, fortunately always with me in the room, but before that I would occasionally leave him unattended while eating for a minute or two. Now I never will (well not until he’s much older). Each time he went silent and if I hadn’t have been with him I’d never have known. It is my absolute biggest fear. But we’ve all had those moments where we’ve done things on autopilot.

Yep my very diligent safety conscious DM gave my daughter hula hoops without thinking. It happens, don't beat yourself up about it.