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Original poster

intense contact

48 replies

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 01:32

I wanted to ask about intense contact. I can be an intense person due to the fact that i am single with no kids or any real family. I latch onto people and become intense due to these factors. I have just lost a friend because she said I was too intense and she said she had other things going on. I have one very long standing friend who is as intense as me and that is fine. I like intense friendships and if someone messaged me several times a day and phoned me 5 times in a day then I wuld not minddd. I would like it. It would show me that they really care abut me. I cannot deal with half baked casual friendships, I have analyzed my contacts and realise i do contact them too much and am trying to cut down. When the friend whom I have just lost and it was mutual finally told me how she felt, she said I have family and friends and I thought but i am a friend and if she is saying she has friends then what am I, I never thought of myself as lonely and I have plenty of hobbies to keep me occupied but I am a people person and need lots of contact

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 17/11/2023 02:02

There’s being a people person and talking to lots of people and getting on with loads and then there’s being a person who doesn’t give others a break.
You say you’re happy messaging someone a lot in a dah and that’s fine if they are replying but 5 phone calls a day is too much I’m afraid. I couldn’t deal with a friend who phoned that much, not out of nastiness but due to the amount of time it would take up from my day.

This person is saying the friendship didn’t work for her. You two are not compatible because she couldn’t keep up with the demand that you need. That doesn’t make you or her a bad person, just not ideal friends. When she mentions friends she probably means ones that she keeps in touch with weekly, not daily. Sorry to say the only people I keep in touch daily with is my family. I can go a few weeks without talking to even very close friends and that’s mainly due to being busy.

It sounds like you are lonely due to the fact you need constant contact. Do you talk to lots of friends in a day?

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/11/2023 02:47

I have one friend whom I have known for 40 years and she messages me just as much as I message her and its every day. She is the same as me so we get on like a house on fire but she is different. One day she and I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon messaging one another. We must have sent about 20 messages. She did not mind and neither did I, She will message me saying things like oh I am sitting having a coffee in the local coffee shop and then i am going to get my nails done and then she will send me a photo of her newly done nails and tell me how much it costs and then on another day she will say okh I am going to the hairdresser and she will then give me a blow by blow account of her weekly social activities and I will return with similar messages. She is the only person who messages me every single day several times a day, I have another friend who messages me 3 times a week but the rest of the people very seldom and if i message then more often, they dont like it and in fact one other friend told me I was contacting her too much so I cut it down to once a week or once every two weeks and she is happier about it but unless peple tell you how do you know that they dont like it.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 17/11/2023 03:11

I think you just know based on how often they respond and what they say.

The friend that gives a low down of her day seems to like it and that’s great if you two can continue that. Keep it going with her but sadly not everyone is going to be like that.

If people don’t reply then give them space. Carefully read their message and see if it needs a reply- if the message is short, to the point and doesn’t include any questions etc then I’d assume it’s just a quick, polite reply.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 03:16

unless peple tell you how do you know that they dont like it

Well one person does, and the rest don't. So statistically, most don't. Aim for once a week no see if people text more.

momonpurpose · 17/11/2023 03:32

OP have you thought of getting some counseling. I think it could really benefit you and make things easier for you

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/11/2023 10:39

I cannot afford counsellling and it is time consuming and I dont have the time. All I need to do is stop contacting people so often and try and work out why I am so needy. I think it stems from my childhood where I did not have a very good role model from my parents so I am seeking security from elsewhere. When I was younger I used to make friends with just anyone and sometimes it was not good and the friend was bad for me but now I am very careful who I befriend which is good but I am still needy with the good friends which i am trying hard to overcome. Any friend of people I come into contact with I will make sure I do not bombard them and things will be fine. To be honest one of the reasons I made so much contact was because I am a caring person and like to show people I care about them and think rightly or wrongly that if I dont make contact for a couple of weeks it shows I do not give a toss about them and thats not the attitude I want to portray

OP posts:
Lovemychair · 17/11/2023 10:45

It's horses for courses but I would guess the majority of people are too busy to text multiple times a day, it doesn't mean that they don't care.
I agree with the pp , maybe seek some counselling.

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/11/2023 11:10

and I have just said I cannot afford counselling. If I state i cannot afford it why then say yu agree that I need it. Are you going to pay the fee???

OP posts:
User0000009 · 17/11/2023 11:25

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 11:10

and I have just said I cannot afford counselling. If I state i cannot afford it why then say yu agree that I need it. Are you going to pay the fee???

Calm down

Disorganisedmess2023 · 17/11/2023 11:26

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 11:10

and I have just said I cannot afford counselling. If I state i cannot afford it why then say yu agree that I need it. Are you going to pay the fee???

No need to be rude.

goldennavy · 17/11/2023 11:34

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 11:10

and I have just said I cannot afford counselling. If I state i cannot afford it why then say yu agree that I need it. Are you going to pay the fee???

Your true colours are showing here, as opposed to the lovely person you are telling us you are...

Lovemychair · 17/11/2023 12:00

I think if this is your reaction to someone's suggestion, then it just reiterates the fact that, whether you can afford it or not, you probably could do with a bit of help with how you interact with people.

Hiddenvoice · 17/11/2023 13:06

Op, I know you can’t afford counselling but maybe speak to your gp as there’s different online courses they can sign you up for which are free. (If you’re ok the uk)

I think when we were all young we would text and phone numerous times a day and it was fine. As people grow older and get jobs, families etc, we spend less time checking in. It’s a shame but sometimes the business of life takes over.

It’s nice you’re showing a caring side and checking in, you can keep doing that but I guess lots of phone calls and texts need to stop.

I know you have that one friend who does it with you but why not message some other friends and ask what they think about how often you contact them.

Puffypuffin · 17/11/2023 13:13

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 11:10

and I have just said I cannot afford counselling. If I state i cannot afford it why then say yu agree that I need it. Are you going to pay the fee???

OP this response is such a rude over reaction to someone actually trying to give you advice, like you asked for, I wonder if something else is going on.

Diverpanda · 17/11/2023 13:15

I don't understand the question? If you do t want counselling, can't afford it and don't have time, what advice would you like from people?

I don't think anyone can give you any brief instructions on how to stop being needy.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 17/11/2023 13:19

I think when we were all young we would text and phone numerous times a day and it was fine. As people grow older and get jobs, families etc, we spend less time checking in. It’s a shame but sometimes the business of life takes over.

I think this is spot on.

Anyfeckinusername · 17/11/2023 13:19

Do you expect this level of engagement back? Are you offended if they don't have similar energies and time to respond in your way? Do you work? I would be driven demented by you if I was in work and trying to concentrate.

I have very close friends but we do not need constant interaction. Some days we talk absolute shite to each other, then nothing for ages - and it's always fine.

You'll just have to find your people. As another poster said, horses for courses.

RLmadmum · 17/11/2023 13:21

I don't understand why you ask for advice on here and then become so rude and abrasive when you're given advice.. Maybe that's also something you can reflect on?

But you obviously invest a lot of time and energy into your friendships, that's absolutely fine. Some people don't have that time and energy and that's perfectly fine too. You just need to find that happy medium.

HibernianHibernator · 17/11/2023 13:28

Puffypuffin · 17/11/2023 13:13

OP this response is such a rude over reaction to someone actually trying to give you advice, like you asked for, I wonder if something else is going on.

Show quote history

Agreed.

OP, you also said you 'don't have the time' for counselling, but appear to have endless time in which to text your friend -- you say you have spent 'an entire morning and most of the afternoon' messaging one another about minutiae. If you have that time, you can surely spare time for a 50-minute session once a fortnight. Plus many counsellors now work online, so you wouldn't even need to factor in travel time.

I think you also need to let go of the term 'intense' -- you're misusing it. 'Intensity' has nothing to do with whether you have children or a partner. 'Intense' people might have closely-argued text conversations about Gaza or childhood trauma or the history of fan fiction, but they aren't giving a blow by blow account of having their nails done. You have an intense need to continual contact, sure, but that's a different thing. The vast majority of people will find your desire for frequent contact far, far too much, so you need to tackle it or risk losing more friends, when you clearly want more, rather then fewer.

I'm not unsympathetic, OP -- I also had dreadful friendship role models in the shape of my parents in my childhood, but I had to just work on undoing those scripts and learning how to run and nurture genuinely healthy friendships. You need to do similar, otherwise you will find very few friendships last.

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/11/2023 13:45

It is fine to say when we were yung we would text multiple times a day but when I was young there was no such thing as social media. No mobile phones, no computers, no facebook. The first computers came into office work when I was in my 30s and when I was young we had to use landline telephones and write letters. No emailing or anything back then.

As for working yes I do work and as mentioned previously I have a friend who messagessss me as much as 20 times a day and I do the same back so we are two of a kind. She works in an officee which is not very busy so she sits and messages all day long. She sits in her own office and nobody checks up on her and I work from home most of the time. So we both messages each other all day long about nothing in particular. She woould say oh I bought a new dress here is a photo or she would say oh I am booking my next holiday and we are going to such and such a hotel and here is the photo of the hotel if you want to have a look and then she would send another random message saying I am going to to Sainsburys later and then i am off to get a faial. None of the messages are of any importance and it then encourages me to reply with equal non important messages like i just painted my nails or i am going out for a meal with some friends at the weekend and we carry on like this all day long.

I suppose I thought if she is like this with me then other people will be like this too but they are not. When she recently went to the beach she took a selfie of herself on the beach and said look im on the beach

The other friend who complained that i was too intense I thought she was honest and so I decided to be honest back and told her that we were not really compatible as friends and maybe it was because we did not mix in the same circles or live in the same town. She lives 3 hours away from me (we met at work many years ago)

Its hard to keep up a friendship when you live nowhere near each other or have mutual friends or very little in common. No wonder things went sour lol

OP posts:
Twixxer · 17/11/2023 13:49

@Flute56 I have ended one intense friendship about 2 years ago and I’ve taken a step back in a 2nd one recently. I was very drawn to them because like you I had childhood issues I needed to deal with. The relationships were a little like the relationship I had with my own mother which kind of felt normal to me.

Dealing with the need for attention like you are describing was only one aspect of why in the end I couldn’t handle the friendships and I wonder if any of these others apply in your situation. The intensity presented as very high expectations of what I needed to provide as their friend, it felt controlling, there was an expectation for me to meet their unmet needs instead of them meeting these needs for themselves as adults end up having to do.

Secondly there was a lack of recognition of my personal boundaries in terms of my own time and energy limits, responsibilities, respect shown for my other relationships etc.

I found it really hard recognising my own part in these relationships, why I was pursuing them and I had to look hard for what need it was fulfilling for me to realise that it was me who needed to make the changes and to stop going after these relationships which were unhealthy for me. I think it might be worth it for you to do the same.

Maybe none of these apply to your situations but it is worth considering if your expectations of friendships are realistic.

HibernianHibernator · 17/11/2023 14:04

The other friend who complained that i was too intense I thought she was honest and so I decided to be honest back and told her that we were not really compatible as friends and maybe it was because we did not mix in the same circles or live in the same town. She lives 3 hours away from me (we met at work many years ago)

Its hard to keep up a friendship when you live nowhere near each other or have mutual friends or very little in common. No wonder things went sour lol

And yet you were fine with keeping up this friendship until she asked you to back off, whereupon you suddenly decided you and she were 'incompatible' because you didn't mix in the same circles or live in the same town?

I think you have a lot of work to do in terms of self-knowledge and in theory of mind in general, OP. Just because you have one friend who is so under-employed and vacuous that she sits at her desk al day texting you about going to Sainsbury's or buying a dress, don't assume that the rest of the world resembles her.

What you are doing will be massively offputting to the overwhelming majority of potential or actual friends, and you're the only one who can change that by working on whatever it is that makes you need constant inane contact -- are you someone who isn't good at being alone? Are you happy to spend time by yourself, or does it make you panicky?

Original poster
Flute56 · 17/11/2023 14:06

thank you you have hit the nail on the head. The other thing about this is the friend who was messaging me so many times a day suddenly said to me why dont you send me a postcard when you go on holiday. I said I dont send them anymore. Not many people do send postcards these days. Then she replied you used to send them and I said yes but that was back in the day when more people used to send them. She then said but i like getting postcards please send them each time you go away.

I did not like this and felt put under pressure. I then said your brother goes away an awful lot, does he send you a card from every holiday he goes on and she did not reply. i asked her again and said if the answer is no then I will not be pressureised into sending one simple yes or no either he does or he doesnt. To this day I never got a reply. I actually told her she was pressurising me. Nobody else sends cards that I know of and nobody ever asks me to send them a card or complains when I have not. I said I would rather send a message as its quicker. 6 years ago someone sent me a postcard from Germany and I never ever received it.

I just really dislike the thought of going to a shop. Looking for a postcard, sitting down and writing it out and then buying a stamp and finding a postbox or queuing up at the post office to send it. If you send a wassap with a couple of photos and a message then the person receives it in two seconds all done

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 15:10

Has anyone ever suggested a personality disorder OP? The combination of adverse childhood events, your response to PP and just your tone and inability to engage appropriately set off a little thought that it might be.