Page 2 | intense contact

Flute56 · 2023-11-17T01:32:34+00:00

I wanted to ask about intense contact. I can be an intense person due to the fact that i am single with no kids or any real family. I latch onto people and become intense due to these factors. I have just lost a friend because she said I was too intense and she said she had other things going on. I have one very long standing friend who is as intense as me and that is fine. I like intense friendships and if someone messaged me several times a day and phoned me 5 times in a day then I wuld not minddd. I would like it. It would show me that they really care abut me. I cannot deal with half baked casual friendships, I have analyzed my contacts and realise i do contact them too much and am trying to cut down. When the friend whom I have just lost and it was mutual finally told me how she felt, she said I have family and friends and I thought but i am a friend and if she is saying she has friends then what am I, I never thought of myself as lonely and I have plenty of hobbies to keep me occupied but I am a people person and need lots of contact

Lovemychair · 17/11/2023 15:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 15:10

Has anyone ever suggested a personality disorder OP? The combination of adverse childhood events, your response to PP and just your tone and inability to engage appropriately set off a little thought that it might be.

I was thinking this too.

Diverpanda · 17/11/2023 17:49

You're coming across as quite difficult and argumentative OP.

Pezdeoro41 · 17/11/2023 17:56

Flute56 · 17/11/2023 13:45

It is fine to say when we were yung we would text multiple times a day but when I was young there was no such thing as social media. No mobile phones, no computers, no facebook. The first computers came into office work when I was in my 30s and when I was young we had to use landline telephones and write letters. No emailing or anything back then.

As for working yes I do work and as mentioned previously I have a friend who messagessss me as much as 20 times a day and I do the same back so we are two of a kind. She works in an officee which is not very busy so she sits and messages all day long. She sits in her own office and nobody checks up on her and I work from home most of the time. So we both messages each other all day long about nothing in particular. She woould say oh I bought a new dress here is a photo or she would say oh I am booking my next holiday and we are going to such and such a hotel and here is the photo of the hotel if you want to have a look and then she would send another random message saying I am going to to Sainsburys later and then i am off to get a faial. None of the messages are of any importance and it then encourages me to reply with equal non important messages like i just painted my nails or i am going out for a meal with some friends at the weekend and we carry on like this all day long.

I suppose I thought if she is like this with me then other people will be like this too but they are not. When she recently went to the beach she took a selfie of herself on the beach and said look im on the beach

The other friend who complained that i was too intense I thought she was honest and so I decided to be honest back and told her that we were not really compatible as friends and maybe it was because we did not mix in the same circles or live in the same town. She lives 3 hours away from me (we met at work many years ago)

Its hard to keep up a friendship when you live nowhere near each other or have mutual friends or very little in common. No wonder things went sour lol

That’s one friend. People’s situations are different, in terms of their family and friends, their ability to talk while at work (and their job) and their communication style. I’ve had one friend where we were like this for a while but we were both in very similar circumstances at the time, and it didn’t last forever. You can’t generalise from one. Personally I could never handle this level of contact, or have time for it.

It does sound like you could do with some help on how to relate to people and as others have said there are free options. If you have time to message someone 20 times a day you could find a way to carve out time for an hour session once a week or fortnightly. That’s the only advice any of us can offer really.

Original poster

Flute56 · 18/11/2023 05:28

HibernianHibernator · 17/11/2023 14:04

The other friend who complained that i was too intense I thought she was honest and so I decided to be honest back and told her that we were not really compatible as friends and maybe it was because we did not mix in the same circles or live in the same town. She lives 3 hours away from me (we met at work many years ago)

Its hard to keep up a friendship when you live nowhere near each other or have mutual friends or very little in common. No wonder things went sour lol

And yet you were fine with keeping up this friendship until she asked you to back off, whereupon you suddenly decided you and she were 'incompatible' because you didn't mix in the same circles or live in the same town?

I think you have a lot of work to do in terms of self-knowledge and in theory of mind in general, OP. Just because you have one friend who is so under-employed and vacuous that she sits at her desk al day texting you about going to Sainsbury's or buying a dress, don't assume that the rest of the world resembles her.

What you are doing will be massively offputting to the overwhelming majority of potential or actual friends, and you're the only one who can change that by working on whatever it is that makes you need constant inane contact -- are you someone who isn't good at being alone? Are you happy to spend time by yourself, or does it make you panicky?

I am perfectly happy to spend time by myself. That does not bother me in the slightest. I also like going out and socialising and have recently been out with a group and will be going out with the same group for a pre Christmas meal I also think I have got my priorities wrong because I spend a lot of money on clothes and getting my hair done to make sure I maintain a nice appearance and for what? People go for personality and all the money in the world on clothes and hair are not going to make a jot of difference if people dont like my personality. Because I like mesaging a lot i have been on chat rooms on occasions because people in chat rooms like to chat and message and they sit there for hours messaging people so everyone is in the same boat and nobody is going to get annoyed because if people do not like receiving hundreds of mesages for hours then they dont go in chat rooms. Generally the people that do like it and some go in three or four times a wweek for hours on end. Its not that they are in there looking for a potential partner, they go in because they like frequent messaging or are bored and lonely and they know full well that they can find a room full of like minded people to chat the night away with

OP posts:

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 18/11/2023 05:44

The reaction you had to the postcard request was for me a red flag and it seems like your best friend felt that way too.
It’s one thing to feel a bit of pressure. Another to say what you said and react to it like this for her to see.
I don’t know, but something feels not right/off kilter and I would slowly distance myself from a friend like that. Nothing to do with frequency- I text a couple of my friends daily, just a distant bell ringing.

Original poster

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 03:41

RLmadmum · 17/11/2023 13:21

I don't understand why you ask for advice on here and then become so rude and abrasive when you're given advice.. Maybe that's also something you can reflect on?

But you obviously invest a lot of time and energy into your friendships, that's absolutely fine. Some people don't have that time and energy and that's perfectly fine too. You just need to find that happy medium.

I have now decided to only make contact once a week with peole. Having said that, if I contact 3 people once a week on different days then I can have 3 conversations per week but with different people. One friend of mine contacted me today and said how are you I have not heard from you in a while so I said I have been busy but then I messaged my friend to explain that I have not made contact because I decided to make contact once a week otherwise peole get fed up and dont like it and the only reason I would make contact more often is if it is an emergency. I think that is a very sensible approach and I dont need to pay lots of money to get counselling when I have already come to this decision. I got in touch with an old school friend and we are going to meet up soon. I am certainly going to stick to the once a week rule with her so that I do not annoy her with too much contact.

When I was 13 a neighbour of ours had a baby. She told my mum that if I wanted to go over to her house to see the baby I could do so and she said I culd go whenever I liked so I ended up going most days of the week. One day she said to me Do you ever see your sschool friends out of school and I said oh sometimes yes. Even at the age of 13 I was astute enough to know what she meant. What she was trying to say in a round about way was that I was going to her house too often and I should be spending more time with my peers. My parents did not think I was going too often or else they wuld have stopped me but this neighbour certainly did. I remember thinking at the time that she said I could go whenever I wanted so she cant blame me for going every other day lol. Eventually she moved house and the visits were just once a week

OP posts:

Disorganisedmess2023 · 25/11/2023 07:03

Even the fact that you have chosen a certain number of times a week to contact and have told friends this is strange.

Even a 13 year old should have known daily visits of a new baby/mother is far, far too much.

None of it is typical behaviour or typically thought processes.

Lovemychair · 25/11/2023 07:46

Have you been diagnosed as autistic?

Original poster

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 10:50

No I have not been diagnosed with anything. I would have thought you would have said that it was good that I was cutting down the amount of contact because people have said it was too much and I recognise this and have cut it down but instead you have a go at me and nothing I say aor do is right. Do you like picking on people because that is how you come across. You suggest I have autism which is a horrible thing to say and to be honest I steer clear of people like you. If you have nothing positive to say then say nothing. I am trying to amend my previous actions and all you can do is criticise me rather than say its good that you have cut downn the contact.

I come from a bullying family. My father had a drink problem and even when he stopped drinking my mother found ways of belittling him in other ways instead of praising him for stopping drinking. She was an out and out bully and I hated her for that. She is dead now and so I do not have to encounter her ways anymore and yet I come on here and get the same from people like you.

You are not my family so I do not have to stick around. I can leave and dfind much nicer and kinder people to interact with and I have people in my life who treat me with respect

Thank you and goodbye

OP posts:

SoRainbowRhythms · 25/11/2023 12:01

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 10:50

No I have not been diagnosed with anything. I would have thought you would have said that it was good that I was cutting down the amount of contact because people have said it was too much and I recognise this and have cut it down but instead you have a go at me and nothing I say aor do is right. Do you like picking on people because that is how you come across. You suggest I have autism which is a horrible thing to say and to be honest I steer clear of people like you. If you have nothing positive to say then say nothing. I am trying to amend my previous actions and all you can do is criticise me rather than say its good that you have cut downn the contact.

I come from a bullying family. My father had a drink problem and even when he stopped drinking my mother found ways of belittling him in other ways instead of praising him for stopping drinking. She was an out and out bully and I hated her for that. She is dead now and so I do not have to encounter her ways anymore and yet I come on here and get the same from people like you.

You are not my family so I do not have to stick around. I can leave and dfind much nicer and kinder people to interact with and I have people in my life who treat me with respect

Thank you and goodbye

It's not a horrible thing to say. She's asking a question because your posts are always littered with neurodiverse traits. And I say this as a neurodiverse person.

Original poster

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 12:30

even if that is what you think, it certainly does not give someone the right to bully and belittle someone who they think is different. I think that is disgusting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 12:33

I will no longer be contributing to this threead.

OP posts:

TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/11/2023 12:34

She is not bullying you, she is suggesting quite factually (as is the poster above) that you are showing strong neurodiverse traits and that it would likely be to your benefit to consider/investigate that.

Signed, another ND person.

SoRainbowRhythms · 25/11/2023 12:40

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 12:30

even if that is what you think, it certainly does not give someone the right to bully and belittle someone who they think is different. I think that is disgusting.

Asking a question is not bullying or belittling. All of your posts follow this same formula. Some sort of conversation with your GP isn't the worst idea.

Kayte198999 · 25/11/2023 12:56

I'm finding your thought processes confusing. You are upset that people don't like it when you call them 5 times a day but when your friend tells you they would like a form of contact (a postcard) you refuse to send one. The memories from your childhood, your difficult experiences and your struggles in friendships point to the fact that counselling would be helpful even though you are against it. You say you spend a lot on your appearance but you aren't sure why, so perhaps you could afford £30 every one or two weeks if you really wanted to. The only people I have known who wanted to contact me at this intense level had anxiety disorders that meant they needed constant reassurance and tried to use me as their therapist which I found incredibly difficult. It sounds like your plan of contacting people once a week is working but maybe you could consider also asking people what kind of contact they would like from you

Kayte198999 · 25/11/2023 13:00

Flute56 · 25/11/2023 10:50

No I have not been diagnosed with anything. I would have thought you would have said that it was good that I was cutting down the amount of contact because people have said it was too much and I recognise this and have cut it down but instead you have a go at me and nothing I say aor do is right. Do you like picking on people because that is how you come across. You suggest I have autism which is a horrible thing to say and to be honest I steer clear of people like you. If you have nothing positive to say then say nothing. I am trying to amend my previous actions and all you can do is criticise me rather than say its good that you have cut downn the contact.

I come from a bullying family. My father had a drink problem and even when he stopped drinking my mother found ways of belittling him in other ways instead of praising him for stopping drinking. She was an out and out bully and I hated her for that. She is dead now and so I do not have to encounter her ways anymore and yet I come on here and get the same from people like you.

You are not my family so I do not have to stick around. I can leave and dfind much nicer and kinder people to interact with and I have people in my life who treat me with respect

Thank you and goodbye

😳This is one hell of a leap to compare people trying to help or offering different points of view to your abusive mother. Suggesting that someone is autistic is not an insult

BoohooWoohoo · 25/11/2023 13:05

It’s not bullying to ask if someone is neurodiverse. It’s rude to assume that ND is a bad thing.
If you were ND then people would (hopefully) understand where your posts are coming from and ask fewer questions.
I am ND so spend a lot of time observing and trying to come up with the rules of socializing. Trust me, rigidly contacting people once a week is not the answer. Sometimes there’s reason to message lots of times, other times not so much.
We aren’t compatible with everyone and life means that most people have variable availability for messaging.

heelarh · 25/11/2023 13:34

OP, we're similar. I'm single with no children and do not have strong family ties or a tight social circle. I am an intense person and notice that people avoid me, including friends, families and colleagues. I need connection, but often from people who can't/ won't create it with me.
I just want to encourage you to be kind to yourself as even recognising this trait in itself is a step in the right direction.
I believe my neediness has reduced although I still have a lot of work to do as I do slip every now and then.
Some of the strategies that have helped me include making the intention to only make time for those who make time for me do that it is a 2-was street. Also, I wait for others to initiate contact/ connection and then I return the energy. I also tried to stop giving a damn about people who haven't proven worthy of my attention. The less I cared about such people, the less need I had to contact them. I also began focusing more on myself. I've always been independent, but I worked on me being comfortable with myself and with silence around me. I detach from my phone and keep occupied with quality time with myself, for example, exercise, dining out, arts, theatre, reading etc.
I started making the intention to make myself scarce to people and be measured when I speak.
A few weeks ago, I listed all the key parties in my life such as employer, friend 1, friend 2, siblings, parents, exes etc and then spent time reflecting on the current state of my relationships with them and identifying those I feel constantly ignore or abandon me due to my intensity. Then I wrote down how I want to relate to these parties going forward - call less, don't see, don't respond, maintain current approach etc and I now feel that going into the new year, I will be more on top of my relationships and not feel like the one who's being avoided. I guess my point here is if you can't afford therapy (I can't), spend some time doing your own personal reflection and journaling helps with the process.
All the very best

gamerchick · 25/11/2023 13:47

Lovemychair · 25/11/2023 07:46

Have you been diagnosed as autistic?

It's pretty obvious the OP is ND. Whether she wants to explore it or not.

It's not an insult OP. In fact, it's insulting that you think it is. There's nothing wrong with being ND.

uninterestingusernamealert · 28/11/2023 22:28

TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/11/2023 12:34

She is not bullying you, she is suggesting quite factually (as is the poster above) that you are showing strong neurodiverse traits and that it would likely be to your benefit to consider/investigate that.

Signed, another ND person.

What this poster said, every word of it!

UsingChangeofName · 28/11/2023 22:47

gamerchick · 25/11/2023 13:47

It's pretty obvious the OP is ND. Whether she wants to explore it or not.

It's not an insult OP. In fact, it's insulting that you think it is. There's nothing wrong with being ND.

Show quote history

This

UsingChangeofName · 28/11/2023 22:47

TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/11/2023 12:34

She is not bullying you, she is suggesting quite factually (as is the poster above) that you are showing strong neurodiverse traits and that it would likely be to your benefit to consider/investigate that.

Signed, another ND person.

and this

Popsical20 · 28/11/2023 22:50

I couldn’t handle anyone calling me five times a day even my dh!