Please tell me this is out of order

[Snuggleyou]

Hi first time poster here.
just wanted some advice for my SIL as she’s in two minds what to do about my 13yo niece who recently came home from school in a right state. Apparently, one of her middle aged male teachers made very personal comments, shaming her appearance in-front of the whole class. He said she was “an ugly duckling who probably wouldn’t grow into a swan” as you can imagine she is distraught and hesitant to return to his class and thinks her peers think she is a ‘joke’ she already suffers with low self esteem made worse by a male pupil screaming “ugly” at her in corridors etc whilst teachers just ignore what they see. My heart breaks for her and I fear she is heading down a very depressed road. My sister is in two minds how to approach the school as she is quite low on confidence herself and is worried excuses will be made and it will all be brushed under the rug to protect the schools reputation. Niece has been off sick since it happened so school don’t have a clue yet other than those involved in the classroom.
Advice much appreciated 🙏

This is bullying, of a female pupil by a male staff member.I would hope that the school has robust anti-bullying policies in place, but they cannot do anything if they don't know about it.
So SiL should contact the safeguarding lead and the Head of Year, in writing ( email) and explain what has happened, and that one of the consequences of the teacher's actions are that another pupil has seen niece as fair game for targeted bullying. Another is that N's self-esteem has been further eroded to the extent that she is scared to come into school. She should ask them to investigate and to advise what steps will be taken to support N. If she doesn't get a satisfactory reply within a couple of days, escalate to the Head, and after that, to the Chair of governors.
But hopefully the first complaint will result in appropriate action being taken. Would any of the other children who witnessed this be prepared to confirm what they saw? That might help, but don't let that affect whether you put in a complaint.

why hasn't she immediatly contacted the school and complained? You don't just leave this, and your neice should not be off school.

Sister should email the head right now, and say she needs an immediate appointment to discuss this incident and what the school is doing about it, and your neice should be back in school

(assuming this actually happened)

There needs to be a fact finding phase. I'm not saying the girl lied, but people can mishear & misinterpret. "In-front of the whole class" means there were lots of witnesses which is very helpful. Teenagers won't collude with an injustice, that doesn't happen in my experience, teenagers are idealists and hate injustice. And they'd love to see adults knocked down a notch. So plenty of witnesses is great.

Do you want to go along with your sister to bolster her confidence to insist the school do fact-finding?

I’d contact the school and explain my daughter won’t be back at school until they have resolved this issue and can provide and safe, supportive environment for her. Nothing gets schools moving like their attendance records being impacted. I’d certainly not leave things with the school not knowing and my child being off “sick”.

I can assure you unfortunately it very much happened.

So when ur SIL rang school and asked what happened, what was the response?

If it's true why is your sister showing her daughter that she isn't going to stick up for her?

No wonder the child has self esteem issues.

There’s not a chance she would mishear something like that, it was said very directly/pointedly at her. Her crime was trying to reassure the girl sitting next to her who was having problems of her own. The teacher wasn’t happy about that, but it’s still no excuse to be so sadistic to a little girl who is already at a very impressionable age. It’s one thing her immature peers making comments, but a grown man that’s going to plant a seed in her head for life.

She is going to stick up for her but is overwhelmed by it all and gets easily intimidated herself. But thanks for the victim blaming.

She hasn’t yet rang the school she doesn’t want to go in guns blazing, and is trying to gather what avenue she should take, hence why I’m here for advice.

Now she has a child she needs to get over herself and support her daughter.

Yes I agree, she is trying with help and support but is recovering from DV so it’s not easy.

Can you be an advocate for the family until the mother recovers?

Yes I’ve suggested I attend any school meeting with her and she’s happy about that, we’re also going to put our heads together and write an email this weekend to send to the head. Just worried the teacher will be let off easy when his behaviour realistically was mental/emotional abuse towards a child he shouldn’t be working with children really.

This is a time to go in guns blazing. I wouldn’t talk to the teacher I would go straight to the head. I would continue to escalate it until the girl is able to move classes.

How? Were you there? Are there any independent witnesses?

My niece is very trustworthy and her friend has backed her up, they are not in the ‘popular’ crowd so I don’t know how many of her peers will back her up as she has had issues with bullying as I previously mentioned above. So we don’t know if some of the class might stay silent or contradict her story if asked.

Also I didn’t need to be there to believe my niece or do we not believe children anymore when they come to us distraught.

Does your local council has something like a parents partnership service? They might help you.
My advice is to put everything in writing. And don’t accept an offer of a phone call back. You want a meeting.

I believe it happened. Some people are horrible, it doesn’t stop them teaching. I hope the head takes it seriously, OP.

I don’t know I’ll have to look into that. Thank you.

I wouldn't wait till the weekend to send an email... its just more time for your niece off school. If the head doesn't get an email till Monday... then it will be mid week next week before anything happens. Get an email in tomorrow morning if possible... so the school knows whats going on and why your niece is off and they can start the fact finding. There's some wording you can use above from a pp. Don't delay.

I wouldn't use emotive language. You need to speak to the head in person and state factually what your niece has relayed to you.

At this stage any emotional language will make the head think it's just a drama.

You need to calmly state what your niece said he said to her and at what time and place and who was there to witness it.

You need to be taken seriously and not be dismissed as 'hysterical women' which sadly, sometimes happens.

while it is true that some people are nasty, and they get to be teachers, this story does sound incredibly unlikely. Why would a trained teacher make a comment like this? They gain nothing what so ever from it, and stand to lose everything.

I am not saying it didn't happen, just that it is very unlikely that it did happen as described.

Of course it is possible that the adult in the room was not a teacher and not trained, and not interested in education, which is possible.

If so, the bigger issue is why isn't the school staffed? Which of course comes back to politics etc.

So you think my niece dreamed it up ? I don’t think so.

Why would there be an adult who isn’t a teacher, teaching nieces class ?

No it’s the same teacher she has for that lesson every week. I never said anything about the school being understaffed either.

You only have to watch the news or hear stories on here, to know there’s lots of people in this world who overstep lines that normal people wouldn’t cross.