Medical student mid/late 30s wanting children. Advice please

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Hi everyone,

I'm approaching my final year of studying medicine early next year.

I am in my mid-late 30s now and will be in my late 30s when I hopefully graduate. I live with my DP and we would love children together. He earns well and works full time.

What I would be extremely grateful for is any advice on when to TTC given my age and circumstances as a medical student.

Would you get on with trying now and take a year out of uni if needed or risk waiting?

DP does want children but it is very much up to me when to try. If it didnt happen he has said all along he wouldn't mind. I really think I would regret it.

I'm well aware studying and/or being a junior dr with a baby would be a huge slog anytime and fertility issues may occur espcially due to my age but unfortunately I can't change things now. DH and I just met relatively late on for these purposes.

There was a similar post recently-ish but I think the OP was about 29 and I wonder whether the advice to wait would be very different given that I am a lot older in child bearing terms

Thanks

Can you afford a live in nanny? That’s the only way I can see this working out for you unless your husband is 9 to 5 and willing to take on the main parental role.

He's 9-5 and WFH a lot.

That’s a bonus at least. Depends how ambitious you are. Ideally you want the trajectory of getting to the registrar stage after qualifying going as smoothly and expediently as possible. I’d work on that basis.

You will find good answers on two or three different Facebook groups, all of which are very busy with advice and have numerous women and men who have been in your position or can put you in touch with others. I don’t think you’ll get the answers that you want here. Could you please DM me and I can direct you to them? If you’re not on Facebook then it is worth joining just so that you can have some peer support with this sooner rather than later.

If having children is important to you then there are all kinds of ways to make it work. I disagree with needing to wait until you’re a reg or that a live in nanny is the only option. There is a lot of support available from colleagues and deaneries (within reason) and so many ways to make it work. Medical careers are tough but the job will still be there for you long after the child rearing years. One never knows how long it will take to conceive or what the health of your child/children will be. It’s a very personal decision but if having children is a priority then that’s great and you will do it!

Thanks for all replies so far. Agreed in an ideal world I would be more established but as a reg I'd be in my early 40s and I'm just not sure it would be wise waiting until then.

If I was mid to late 30s and really wanted children I would crack on with TTC as your fertility is only going to get lower with each year that passes. Especially if you have the option of pausing your studies for a year if you need to.

You say that you got together with your DP relatively late in life so all I’d say is don’t rush into having a baby with someone you’re not 100% sure of.

You can go LTFT and accept it will take years? My DH did graduate medicine & there were several women I was vaguely aware of who had babies pretty soon after graduation - and indeed during medical school. I am afraid I can’t remember exactly what they did nor how long it took them as we weren’t close. We had DC1 at the end of his 1st year medical school, DC2 at the start of FY1 and DC3 during ST1. But obviously different for DH than it would be for a mum in terms of interruption to training.

My husband and I worked in healthcare I’m retiring next year at 50 and my husband retired at 55 last year. My child was premature and also late August born and went to nursery full time from one year old. He loved it. He’s a medical student now in his first year (18 years old). He will be 22 nearly 23 when he finishes so I’m hoping he will reach the reg stage by the time he thinks about having children. I believe full time nursery was good for him. I was not a dr and had already worked over 10 years in the NHS before he was born but I had to take on a role which was 9 to 5 to do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups. It’s tough but possible so long as one of you can do the nursery drop offs and pick ups.

I had my children towards the end of my reg training during my research but that was planned because I went straight to med school. I think if you’re worried about your age and difficulties with conceiving then you should just go for it but make sure you have a financial plan (and other plans) in place. F1 is the hardest year of training IMO - you know so little and are at the bottom of the food chain coupled with awful on call rotas etc. I think the quality of your F1 year is dependent on if you end up in a tertiary hospital or DGH and if you’re in London or not (when I started F1, they didn’t do nights in the London deaneries). Maternity pay is another factor - you’d need to have been in your job for a set number of months before you’re eligible for it (again, if your husband is earning well and money isn’t an issue then that’s great). Nursery costs are expensive but certain hospitals have on site nurseries which charge through the salary sacrifice scheme (childcare cost comes out pre tax) so you can save around £400 - £500 and because it’s usually for staff, they are open over the Christmas, Easter and summer holidays (obv not bank holidays).

I think that if you’re in your mid to late 30s, know you definitely want children with your partner, and are in a financial position to be able to make it work, it would be inadvisable to deliberately wait too much longer. Whilst lots of women have easy pregnancies at this age and older, the increasing risk of fertility issues with age would concern me.

Having a child will have an impact upon your approach to training and may slow you down, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Contrary to what others have said, it might even be useful to start your career with a child so that you never know any different, and can make your career fit your family. I was already a senior registrar when I had my first; if I had known how much becoming a mum would change my life, I would have picked a totally different specialty a decade ago.

I would definitely not delay TTC. As you will know, it can take many months or longer to conceive, and egg quality declines with age. If you are due to finish studying early next year that part at least will be complete before you have your first child.

a wise consultant once told me “ you have all the time in the world to have your career, but only a short window to have children”

What age would you be at F2? I think if you could graduate and start working it would be easier for you.

Hi I’m a doctor… I would crack on both in terms of fertility and the least difficult time to have a baby.

I know a few people who had babies during med school and managed their studies/ placements quite well .
I think FYs would be the worst time to be pregnant to have a baby/ toddler, trying to juggle on calls/ nights and not knowing where you will be next.
At least once you have your core rotation jobs sorted you know where you will be and can think about where to live and childcare ahead of time. But this is too far ahead for you…

I suggest you search PGMUK on Facebook- aka Doctor mums . Lots of good advice from people who know all the pros and cons.

Asap! Your study can wait, biology won’t (I know I don’t need to tell you of all people that!)

Things have changed so much since I was a student/junior doctor that my advise is probably way out of date, so I won't give any. Except to say that no matter when you have babies or how well you plan things there are always difficulties to be overcome and there is no "right" time. But equally, no "wrong" time either.
If you really want children, have them. Believe me, by the time you are at the end of your career like me, it's very unlikely that you will be wishing you'd spent more time on call and less with your family. And nobody will thank you for sacrificing your family life and personal happiness on the altar of medicine.

Thank you so much everyone for all of your advice, I appreciate each post.

It is a huge relief to have these posts saying 'it wouldn't be the end of the world of you had a baby at a frankly bonkers point in your life, there is support and people do make this work'.

I was rather expecting similar advice to the OP I mentioned from another thread who was about 29 . That mostly suggested holding off a bit. Funny that as an adult, a few years should make such a difference but for women at this stage it does!

FY1 terrifies me for reasons mentioned- such sketchy knowledge and experience (despite hard work) but having to pick up responsibilities already.

Thank you for being so kind to someone who was very worried I'd missed the boat in terms of being able to do both.

It feels as though just cracking on with it might be the best thing, especially if some of the time was covered by studies and placements as my uni is pretty supportive.

LTFT is an option. I'm not sure I'd want my studies to last ages but I would absolutely look into it if FT was too tricky at any stage.

Great to hear about the subsidised childcare, thanks.

honestly, I would say do it sooner rather than ater. It will not be any easier navigating a baby in the first 2-3 years of a medical career than in the final year of uni.
And yes, it will be hard. BUT it is totally workable.
I had my first baby in my first year as an SHO (would prob have been what is now f2 year)Although I was still quite young . It wasnt easy, but manageable. I went on to have 6 children(!yes, really!) and worked throughout, with one exteded period of maternity leave/career break. Im now 50, and a consultant. My dc are all older, 3 have left home having been to uni etc, one still at uni and 2 teenagers at home. For a while I stepped out of trianing and worked as an sas doctor when they were all little which, at the time, gave me a better work life balance (have a look on the nhs employers website for recent blog posts form women who have chosen SAS career options to align with a better work life balance) I also worked LTFT for a number of years (now work way more than full time but that's another story!)
I think people may try to put you off. And it certainly wont be easy. But I just wanted to say that if both things are important to you, it is totally possible to make it work.
Good luck.

about 40/41 for FY2.

Realistically I think it's a decision between trying now and hanging on for graduation (obv knowing this may take time rather than longer. I feel more confident trying now after comments and a bit more reading. It would be nice to have the degree in the bag at least but the chance to be a mum is very important to me.

I don't want to be outing as there aren't many my age doing this but I have some adjustments anyway re logistics which I should hopefully be able to carry forward.

just to add, lots of peple told me I should wait till I was a conultant to have children. But I knew I wanted a large family, and didn't want to wait another 7/8 years to start . In hindsight would it have been easier to wait - yes deifnitely. But I don't regret not waiting.For me it was the right decision. It did mean that overall it took me longer to become a consultant. But actually that doesnt bother me too much. For most of those years I had wonderful jobs as an SAS doctor in roles I loved which were basically 9-5 and fitted really well with family life. I think being prepared to consider alternative training/career paths is really helpful and will make it all less stresful for you.

Do it now. (TTC) Do not wait. So many women miss out on their opportunity to be mothers in this way.

Do not wait. Please start now. You may take 1 month to conceive you may take 30... its all an unknown. But if you put your career before trying you will regret it later down the line.

You can pause your studies or make something work! I am speaking from experience as someone who had their first later, but may now not get a second. My job doesn't care about this but its a reason why I delayed trying.

Thank you all. So very much. I was feeling a lot of confusion over this and this one thread has given me a lot of clarity. Genuine thanks.

I can promise that there is no point in your medical career that is good for having a baby, and in fact while you're a student may be one of the better if your finances can cope. Your first year F1 is hard, but generally it is reasonably well supported and so juggling childcare should be as manageable as any other time.
Finals will be hard though. Make sure you keep on top of your learning all the way so your not needing to do mega cramming at the end.
Best of luck with it all!

Just before DD turned 30 this year she decided to start a family so she's on maternity atm with an 8mo. She's got her MRCP parts 1,2 and 3 out of the way and is over half way through core training ATM but has opted to work at 70%. She has a few friends and colleagues who are fraying at the edges working 100% to make it to registrar - she's very much of the mindset that she'll manage to stay in the profession long term by getting a work life balance that suits her. Many members of our family work or have worked in the NHS in a variety of roles and to it's credit (OK let's say in some cases, in it's desperation) it has been a very flexible employer - many members have been able to work part time, adjust their start times, pick up locum work, take on extra hours when they wanted to, etc. Even though she's on maternity she still gets contacted about availability for locum work and asked if she's interested in roles that are coming up in departments/hospitals that she's worked at - in short - she's serious about her job and career (MRCP out of the way, currently finishing off a paper for publication) but she's serious about family life so it's a trade off - she has learned that she has to stand her ground and be bold in asking for exactly what she wants - she knows how to say no to work because there are always other opportunities.

We started our family at 31. Sadly both my sisters had problems conceiving, one never did: you just never know.

I'd also say that having gone through the ring of fire that is F1 and worked for a few years, done various short term contracts and locum work - she's matured a lot, hardened up and worked hard under stupid amounts of pressure and responsibility all compounded by no end of terrible staffing arrangements... in a way I think, maybe that's helped prepare her to be able to cope so well with being a new mum (it's hard work!) - but she's doing really well and enjoying life - credit also to her partner who is also fully invested.

As we found, having children, if that's what you really want, alters the way you look at most things in life - pre-kids I only thought about working my way up in my field of work, earning more, getting more interesting jobs, having more of a hand in high level engineering decisions, etc - I loved work and my job and career. Once I had kids and found I was enjoying it as much as I thought I would my priority really became my family as a whole, my kids in particular and being a dad.