Medical student mid/late 30s wanting children. Advice please

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Hi everyone,

I'm approaching my final year of studying medicine early next year.

I am in my mid-late 30s now and will be in my late 30s when I hopefully graduate. I live with my DP and we would love children together. He earns well and works full time.

What I would be extremely grateful for is any advice on when to TTC given my age and circumstances as a medical student.

Would you get on with trying now and take a year out of uni if needed or risk waiting?

DP does want children but it is very much up to me when to try. If it didnt happen he has said all along he wouldn't mind. I really think I would regret it.

I'm well aware studying and/or being a junior dr with a baby would be a huge slog anytime and fertility issues may occur espcially due to my age but unfortunately I can't change things now. DH and I just met relatively late on for these purposes.

There was a similar post recently-ish but I think the OP was about 29 and I wonder whether the advice to wait would be very different given that I am a lot older in child bearing terms

Thanks

Would you get on with trying now and take a year out of uni if needed or risk waiting?

Absolutely try now. Right now. Everything else can be picked up later and paused for a bit. Your fertility can not.

I'm 35 doing nursing school placements; I have a 1 yo.
I'm out of the house 6am-8pm some days/weeks and husband has to take on a lot of of childcare (kid is in FT nursery).

It's very very hard some weeks, I don't see my son a lot. Husband is knackered BUT he has his own business so has a huge amount of flexibility.

As hard and as unbearably tiring it is at times, I still say prioritise working towards your future.

Go ahead and TTC, things will work out. Good luck.

Once you have a baby I think you need to consider a nanny, or a very experienced live in Au pair.

Also because I'm currently an unemployed student, I get decent subsidy from the government towards childcare.

Thanks again all, your stories and advice are gold. Such strength!! I'm so glad I asked and feel 10x better about going forward with TTC.

Re childcare we would be able to afford some extra help, fortunately (not 24h Norland Nannies or anything). Not sure we would need live in given logistics and DH's work (he isn't a Dr) but I'll look into options.

I wondered also about whether anyone has experience or advice about moving deanery part way through training.

I caveat all of this by saying I know I'm not guaranteed a place anywhere.

However. We live in an area I frankly am not very happy in. I moved for study and met DP here. Not snobbery, it just doesn't suit me for various reasons. DH is happy to move (he isn't local originally) but works in a specialist field so is limited where he can go. He couldn't just follow me, he would have to find a job and I apply for training places there.

The town we are in now and the wider deanery are: not very competitive, affordable,

He could transfer somewhere internally that is: more expensive, more competitive (not London), a much more interesting area, I would prefer to live there longer term with kids

Cost wouldn't be prohibitive but it would be a considerable increase in mortgage.

Both places secure due to his job.

What I am worrying about now is whether to aim to stay put for FYs and hopefully babies then move in slower time or to look to go ASAP for FY. I think I would have a stronger case for us to stay together in a deanery if he already has a job there rather than me try and apply for the second area.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well but I suppose what I'm getting at is, if living as a family not a single student, would others aim to move where they (and DP) wanted mid-TTC etc or stay somewhere secure and hope to move mid way? Is it possible to move during speciality training?

I'm honestly not fussy as such and have lived happily all over. I just can't get on with this area.

Sorry for long ramble!

Try now. There's no perfect time. It's not going to get any more likely to happen. Seeing as your DP does office hours/WFH, I'm sure that'll be a big help, and hopefully he could take some of the parental leave.

And seeing your latest post, I'd honestly just starting trying. having had a miscarriage this year it's really made me realise there is zero point planning anything around trying for a baby.

So sorry about your miscarriage 💐

Agreed it's time to crack on. Youre so right about that.Was just wondering if anyone could help me on whether it's possible to move around once training has started (hopefully with baby in tow) or whether that's it once you're committed to a deanery for speciality training.

Agree with pp that there is no perfect time and it would be best to crack on. Do go ahead with your eyes wide open though - once you have children plans change. Your child may be born with disabilities, or have additional needs that mean, with all the love in the world, that your priorities may change. Be open to taking a different pathway.

I would crack on now, ideally you could break your studies this summer by a year, makes more sense or wait until this time next year and wait to start your first work year by a year.

You can apply to transfer deaneries with extenuating circumstances but I think it can be hard to achieve.

Deanery transfers are very difficult unless you can find someoen who wants a direct swap. I didn’t fully understand - are you trying to move to/from a competitive area? They will consider it if there are exceptional circumstances (I.e. a change in circumstances which occurred AFTER you accepted the offer). A friend was working in London as a surgeon and her husband was in the midlands ( also a surgeon but in a competitive specialty with national recruitment) - she became pregnant and he applied for a transfer to London but it was rejected twice. Luckily her parents live close to her inLondon and help with childcare and he visits on the weekends and takes annual leave. You should apply to where you want to be based long term

Thanks for advice re deanery transfers.

Agree it sounds tricky so probably best to apply to move after either FYs if we are in a good position to, or after core training rather than hope to swap part way through speciality training.

Apologies, you're right I wasn't clear.

Basically where we are now isn't very competitive as deaneries go. I plan to apply here for FYs and core training if we have children just so we have that stability and it's one less thing to have to try and coordinate as it's both me and DP who would need to find work. Obviously its not guaranteed but i would expect to have a reasonable chance at getting into this deanery.

The place I'd like to apply to eventually is much more competitive.

I suppose it's better to work on a solid application for there for speciality training rather than hope to swap mid way. I'm not sure I could do 8 more years here if I'm honest but having a family with DP is more of a priority.