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Original poster

DD asking why she's only got 1 grandad

33 replies

vintedaddict · 14/11/2023 20:41

I wasn't sure where the best place to post this was so sorry if this isn't it.
I'm looking for some advice on how to speak to DD about this when she asks in a child friendly way (she's 4)
My mum and dad divorced when I was very young and we continued to have a strained court ordered relationship until I turned 16 and decided I wouldn't see him anymore. There are many reasons I made this decision but the main one being that he would often disappear for months on end then reappear and expect me to drop everything to continue to pretend to be a happy family again. I also have very strong memories of him being emotionally and verbally abusive towards my mum who I love dearly. I have had no contact with him now for 15 years other than a Facebook message he sent when DD was born congratulating me.
Now DD is 4 and is very interested in learning all about where everyone came from and who she is related to, she asks all the time questions like "who is nanas/granys/aunties mum" and "do you have cousins too". Yesterday she asked me why she only has one grandad and I don't have a dad, i obviously knew the subject would arise at some point but it actually really threw me. I told her that I do have a dad but I haven't seen him for a long time because he lives far away, I wanted to tell her that he didn't exist because the thought of him ever having the privilege of meeting her makes me so angry but I can't lie to her. When she asked if she'd ever see him I said that when she's an adult that would be her decision, she was quite happy to leave it there but I'm just wondering how to talk to her about it if she asks again, which I imagine she will.

OP posts:

Peakypolly · 14/11/2023 20:47

You sound to be handling it perfectly; telling the truth in a way a four year old can understand.
Is her paternal grandfather close to her? I think saying that some people choose to be less involved with family matters than others, and that is up to them. Point out how lucky she is having so much love from you, her other grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

Singleandproud · 14/11/2023 20:54

I only grew up with one set of GP, no DV but my mum's family fell apart when she was a child after her mum died in fact we rarely saw my mum's family at all I didn't really think anything of it. I think my mum probably told me something similar to what you said.

Original poster

vintedaddict · 14/11/2023 20:55

Thankyou @Peakypolly yes she's really close to my father in law which I'm really glad about and she has an amazing couple of uncles and my DH so lots of great male figures in her life. That's a really good angle to approach it from, I will give that a go next time it comes up

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families

SnowLikeRain · 14/11/2023 20:58

I told her that I do have a dad but I haven't seen him for a long time because he lives far away, I wanted to tell her that he didn't exist because the thought of him ever having the privilege of meeting her makes me so angry but I can't lie to her.

She'll see through your reasoning soon enough though once she hears her friends talking about travelling far away on a plane for their holidays and ask why you can't travel to see him. Or video call him. You can explain in child friendly terms that he's wasn't very kind to you and your mum so you don't see him any more.

SalmonWellington · 14/11/2023 20:59

I'd also recommebd the Usborne 'All about families book'. Talks in a very child friendly way about all the different types of families

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 21:00

I'm NC with my awful abusive dad. I don't muddy the waters when explaining this, I just say simply "he's not very nice so we never see him, you'll never meet him. Some men aren't nice." Dd hasn't questioned this and I don't think she will. She understands from books etc that some people aren't nice and therefore are best avoided.

I think it's a bit more confusing to suggest that your dd can choose to meet him when she's older, or that it's because he lives far away etc. Because presumably she sometime sees other relatives that live far away.

The bare truth is that he's not worth seeing, isn't it? So I think it's best to give a (mild, age appropriate) version of the truth.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 14/11/2023 21:04

Our dc have no dgps. It's quite hard to have a dc asking why not. They are all cunts isn't really dc friendly...

Original poster

vintedaddict · 14/11/2023 21:05

Thankyou, maybe I do need to be more to the point on the reasoning, to be honest I usually am when we are talking about anything else. I think I just felt a bit on the spot so said the first child friendly thing that came to mind but I don't want her to be confused over it. Taken onboard thanks!

OP posts:

FloweryName · 14/11/2023 21:10

‘Sometimes grown ups aren’t very good at being Mummies and Daddies or grandparents because it was difficult for them to learn how to do it. If they haven’t learned how to be good and kind parents then it’s better for children not to see them’

TolkiensFallow · 14/11/2023 21:10

I started on the distance line but they quickly have more questions, so have kept the line “grandad wasn’t a nice daddy and wasn’t very nice to mummy or nanny so we don’t see him” and as she’s got older I’ve been increasingly clear.

I felt a bit like you, that I didn’t want him to have the privilege of meeting her.

mindutopia · 14/11/2023 21:10

I would just say that he’s not a very nice man and you aren’t close so you don’t see him. End of.

I am NC with my mum (and actually my dad died when I was 18), so my dc have no grandparents on my side and only MIL as a grandparent on dh’s side. I’m actually not sure if my 5 year old has ever even asked. But I would simply say that his grandmother wasn’t very kind to mum and dad and we decided that we didn’t want to be close with her anymore, so we don’t see her. I think it’s important that dc know it’s a conscious decision and done because you love them and want to keep them safe.

carddino · 14/11/2023 21:12

You are doing great as you are .

I understand your decision and appreciate it's a short post I'm a huge relationship, but!

As a family solicitor albeit retired,

He fought for a court order at a young age?
He maintained contact albeit strained?

Some don't even do that.

carddino · 14/11/2023 21:18

Sorry child woke and jumped on me.

Just reflecting myself I suppose.

And I absolutely appreciate it's a tiny snap shot.

But he seems to have respected your decision save for one message.

And young child memories can often favour the resident parent.

And at least he did get a court order, even if he didn't then adhere to it .

Lots of memories of fathers not doing anything like that and instead shouting the odds to anyone who would listen and continuing when grandchildren born.

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 21:21

I felt a bit like you, that I didn’t want him to have the privilege of meeting her.

Me too, 100%.

It took me ages to go NC with my dad, I was nearly 30. I remember him once actually saying he knew he'd never been a good father (ugh what a miserable wretch) but that he promised to be a good grandfather one day. I swore to myself then and there that he'd never set eyes on any child of mine. And when dd was born that feeling grew to an unshakeable conviction.

Just looking at my beautiful innocent little girl, I'll try to protect her from horrible men until my dying day.

Sorry to get a bit emotional there. (Always a bit more emotional when she's in bed asleep!) But you're doing the right thing, op.

Peablockfeathers · 14/11/2023 21:22

About me and my family is a topic in reception, she's probably been doing it at school which is why it cropped up? What you've said is fine, when she's older you may want to give more detail but for a 4 year old it seems appropriate. DH lost both of his parents young and so unfortunately neither his mum or dad met DS and he asked about it when he was 4, different situation I know but just keep to the basics.

RosesAndHellebores · 14/11/2023 21:31

Well mummy's daddy wasn't very nice to mummy and grandma. Grandma divorced him and didn't see him any more. When I grew up I decided not to see him either. He has respected that decision.

FWIW OP, I didn't know my GP's on my father's side. Nor did father beyond the age of 10 their late 30s/early 40s. They were Jewish and didn't die of natural causes. There is a knowledge gap related to inheritance diseases and it worries me. That may be something you want to cover off for your dd in due course.

Just tell the simple truth. And tell her that when she's grown up if a man ever treats her badly, she can come home.

Original poster

vintedaddict · 14/11/2023 21:34

Thanks @TolkiensFallow I think I'll go with similar and as she gets older if she wishes to know more then we'll take it from there.

@carddino I was around 6/7 when it went to court from what I can remember but he was the type of person who would do it just to have that bit of control over my mum. he had contact every weekend but would pick and choose when it suited, would often pick me up late and drop me back off late (I'm talking 4-5 hours past time) so that mum was worrying about where I was. Turned up at and removed me from school once while mum was at work and dropped me at my aunties for hours just so shed be out of her mind with worry. Never paid a penny in maintenance and would often disappear to another country for months to avoid the csa being able to take a penny. The list goes on. The control over my mum meant more to him than being a father and so when he realised he didn't have that anymore he accepted my decision.

OP posts:

carddino · 14/11/2023 21:38

@vintedaddict as I said you are doing great, thank you for that, just those couple of comments stuck out.

It's good he has left you in peace and respected that.

I never ,eg my grandparents because they retired to a tiny island abroad. That upset my father, particularly when they became frail and relied on neighbours or islanders but said family would not help.

It would have cost the equivalent of my dads wage to take us all there.

Original poster

vintedaddict · 14/11/2023 21:39

@RosesAndHellebores I'd never thought about inherited diseases from his side actually, I'd have thought my mum would have been aware of anything but yes that is a good point to think about.
Oh that last bit of your post gave me a lump in my throat, yes I will always make sure she knows that

OP posts:

ditalini · 14/11/2023 21:40

My children only have one set of GPs because we're estranged from the other.

I was very, very close to mine so I was surprised to find that it's not a relationship that they miss At All - there's plenty of love in the family we have.

I left it to dh to explain because it's his story, and he just used the plain truth that they're not nice people and dcs completely accept that.

Abouttimemum · 14/11/2023 21:52

DS is 4 and often asks why he only has one nanna - DH is no contact with his abusive mother. He has two grandads but DH’s dad isn’t the dad he grew up with, his original dad was abusive as well.

We just tell DS that she’s not a very nice person and not everyone has nice, loving, and kind parents.

CharlieRummer · 14/11/2023 21:58

One of our cats died around 3 months ago, and DD who is 3 keeps asking about her when she's coming back, and casually saying she's at the vets still. it's heart breaking, but also encouraging that she seems so nonchalant about it.

And talking about explaining family trees, eldest DD keeps asking why she has 3 Nans 😬- yeh sweets, it's best not talk about grandads marital history.

muggart · 14/11/2023 22:23

CharlieRummer · 14/11/2023 21:58

And talking about explaining family trees, eldest DD keeps asking why she has 3 Nans 😬- yeh sweets, it's best not talk about grandads marital history.

This might sound a bit brutal but this could be a good opportunity to introduce the finality of death to her, and explain that the cat is at peace and that that is ok, and it happens to everyone eventually but usually only when they're really old and it's nothing to be scared of.

It might soften the blow for her if the next death she encounters is a human.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/11/2023 22:53

My ddad went non contact with his dad when I was a baby.
I think I was maybe 5 or 6 when I asked about his parents ( had loving and present grandparents on mums side).
I was told that his Mum had died young, so had his sister. His Dad was not such a nice person so they didn't talk to him anymore.
And that was that. I think kids largely just accept things.

CharlieRummer · 15/11/2023 16:01

We told her the cat was gone as she was poorly and went to the vets, but wasn't explicit in saying she had died. Maybe will give that a go if she keeps bringing it up at meal times or any other kind of family gathering 🙄

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