DD asking why she's only got 1 grandad

[vintedaddict]

I wasn't sure where the best place to post this was so sorry if this isn't it.
I'm looking for some advice on how to speak to DD about this when she asks in a child friendly way (she's 4)
My mum and dad divorced when I was very young and we continued to have a strained court ordered relationship until I turned 16 and decided I wouldn't see him anymore. There are many reasons I made this decision but the main one being that he would often disappear for months on end then reappear and expect me to drop everything to continue to pretend to be a happy family again. I also have very strong memories of him being emotionally and verbally abusive towards my mum who I love dearly. I have had no contact with him now for 15 years other than a Facebook message he sent when DD was born congratulating me.
Now DD is 4 and is very interested in learning all about where everyone came from and who she is related to, she asks all the time questions like "who is nanas/granys/aunties mum" and "do you have cousins too". Yesterday she asked me why she only has one grandad and I don't have a dad, i obviously knew the subject would arise at some point but it actually really threw me. I told her that I do have a dad but I haven't seen him for a long time because he lives far away, I wanted to tell her that he didn't exist because the thought of him ever having the privilege of meeting her makes me so angry but I can't lie to her. When she asked if she'd ever see him I said that when she's an adult that would be her decision, she was quite happy to leave it there but I'm just wondering how to talk to her about it if she asks again, which I imagine she will.

I told DS that I had a mum but we didn't see her as she was mean. He never asked again.

Thanks for all the replies, maybe I am just overthinking it, if she happens to bring it up again I'll just keep it simple and to the point.

I only ever had one set of grandparents because my mum's parents both died before I was born. I thought it was normal for a long time - you have one mum and dad, so one grandma and grandpa kind of also made sense. I knew mum's parents were dead, and I think I just assumed that was the case for everyone?

It was only when I started to discover that other friends had a grandma AND a nana (or whatever) that I realised it wasn't universal. And then when I discovered some of my cousins shared my grandparents AND had a whole other set, I thought that was terribly unfair!

Fortunately, my living grandparents were lovely and very involved, so I never felt like I was missing out on anything. I feel a bit sad for my mum now as an adult, as I'm sure she'd have loved to see her parents as grandparents and have their support in the crazy new baby days!

OP, hopefully this is just natural curiosity for your DD, and in the long run it's likely she won't think too much about your dad, as she's surrounded by so many other lovely family members.

I'd just say you do have a Dad but he was not a nice Dad to you and not a kind man so you don't want to see him again. I'd say she is very lucky little girl to have other Grampa, Nanny etc to love her and be kind to her.

I think 'far away' is enough for now. Personally I might then add some detail as she gets older: along the lines of 'not everyone is very good as being a mummy or a daddy and although my daddy was very good at x, he couldn't manage to be my daddy. Luckily, granny was VERY good at being a mummy.'

Oh, sorry- didn't realise was already quite a long thread...

My thoughts exactly. If I'd had children this is the way I'd have gone telling them about my waste-of-space father, had they asked.

he's not very nice so we never see him, you'll never meet him. Some men aren't nice.

I agree with this approach. As much truth as possible.