Would you say your piece or simply go no contact?

[McQueensMuse]

My relationship with my Mother has never been good, We are not close and she's said and done some pretty nasty/hurtful things over the years. We are very different people and just have never got on.

Me and my Dad were very close, he died this year.

Despite not being close, I made a lot of effort with her in the months following my dad's death and thought perhaps our relationship might turn a corner.

Well, It's all coming to a head now after an argument on the phone last week and I'm wondering whether I should just leave things as they are or have my say?
Especially keen to hear from those who have went no contact, Did you regret having your say or are you content with just walking away?

What would you do?
Have your say or just draw a line under the relationship altogether?

(I'll post the text/email I'm thinking about sending below which will give a bit of context)

Sorry this is so long by the way.

I've been thinking about our phone conversation on Friday and am frankly baffled by a few things.

You claim to be so upset that I didn't come to visit you yet you were fine on the phone when I called you on my way home and you were telling me all about what you'd been up to that day.
Absolutely no mention of being upset.
When you called me back on Friday you chatted away quite the thing telling me all about what Christmas movies you were watching, Trying to get new boots etc etc.

Only after around 20 minutes of chit chat you decided to tell me you're "not happy" when I asked if you'd spoken to joan (family friend) about a date for coming up to see the children.
You said you didn't feel the need to come up as I didn't visit you when back in my hometown the past weekend.

It's really all a bit odd that you didn't say on Sunday that you were unhappy and it took five days and twenty minutes of a phonecall for you to (try and) make the point, whilst wittering on about how all "we" have ever done is help you (who is this collective we I wonder?) and how my partner is a catch (whilst I agree he is absolutely wonderful, Not sure what that had to do with anything we were discussing)

I'm still not entirely sure what you think your point is to be honest.
I asked you if you wanted me to bring the kids down to see you and you said no you couldn't manage at your age, what with the stairs and the dog... Okay fine.
I then asked if you wanted to meet up in town on Saturday morning for breakfast as at that point my colour appointment was at 12 noon. You said no as you had Damian (my sisters child) and both the dogs... Okay fine.
I then said well I've got the baby (my friends new granddaughter) to see on Sunday morning then I've to go into town to get stuff for Charlotte (my daughter) and I'm going for lunch with Dora (my best friend) Do you want to come? Again no as you said Damian might be there all day Sunday.
At no point did you say, Well you pop in for a cup of tea or a visit, You want me to ask? To be told no again?
Or do you want me to sacrifice the little time I had with Dora to come and visit you uninvited?
Or not get the things Charlotte asked for so I had time to jump on a bus to come and see someone who had already rejected three opportunities to see each other, rarely calls, barely texts and just generally shows no interest in me or her three other grandchildren at all? (it became apparent during our phonecall on Friday that you'd seen my Facebook post about Charlotte injuring herself but did you call/text to see if she was okay? No)
You seem to to think you can be as horrid as you like to me but that I should still make efforts to come and see you.
You fucked off to Tenerife to scatter dad's ashes, didn't invite me, fine, but ask yourself how you would have felt if grandad had done that to you when your mum died?
You organised a big memorial party for Dad at his golf club No invite for me, Okay dokey, starting to get the picture now.
Plans made for your 70th, again not included, Nae bother, message received loud and clear.
But despite all of the above you expect me to come and see you (again, uninvited)
Why the fuck would I do that to myself?

You said "Dad would be rolling in his grave if he knew what I had done"
No, he absolutely wouldn't, The last advice he gave me regarding you was "If I were you, I'd hae nothing more to do with her"
This was the day after your tantrum when I announced I was pregnant with James, Still not sure what that was all about ( James is my youngest son)

But after Dad died I thought things were possibly going to improve between us, But no, despite phoning you every day for the first few months to check you were doing okay things clearly haven't changed as evidenced above, But you have the audacity to think I should not spend time with the people who actually love me to nip over and visit you when all you have done is reject me.

And your (5 days later) response is to say you you aren't coming up to Aviemore as some kind of punishment to me?
Your parting shot on the phone was "I'll send up birthday and Christmas presents but that's it as far as I'm concerned"
I've taken that to mean that you intend to have no relationship with three of your four grandchildren, Is that the case or have I misunderstood?

I've changed names and tried to explain who's who.
Appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this, I know it's pretty long winded.

What would you achieve by talking to her? She will come back with an answer to your concerns. Can she say something which will make you feel better? Or will it just all feed into the drama?

Your proposed message is very long and I can't see what sending it is going to achieve. Better to say something like, that's a shame and I'm still here when you want to reconnect and leave it at that. TBF you should possibly have made gestures of warmth without needing to be told explicitly she was sad. Especially recently widowed. People don't always come out with saying they're sad. I would just file it away and move on.

To be honest, I don't think sending that would do any good, but I hope you feel you've got if off your chest by writing it all down. Your dad knew what your mother was like; take his last words for you and go with them, then just drop the rope. Don't let her live in your head.

@Pleaseletitbebedtime I don't think there is anything she could say I suppose I feel it's incredibly unfair on the children that she is effectively turning her back on them because she and I don't get on.

I think the message is a bit much to be honest and might just lead to a back and forth of your perspective versus her perspective.

How about just saying you were reflecting on the conversation last Friday and wondered if it would be useful to take a break from each other for a while. Take a step back, see if no contact or limited contact feels good from your end.

Having your say can be cathartic but it usually ends in arguments. She’s not been able to meet your needs or see your perspective so far. Do you think her hearing your side will help this? or is she just unable to see to that right now?

good luck either way OP

I’m pretty sure if I were you, I would send it then block her and enjoy the rest of your life. Doesn’t sound like you live too close together so hopefully unlikely to bump into her? I’m sorry she was so awful, there’s absolutely nothing to lose sending this.

Write message on paper with full venting, then burn paper at home and go back to no contact. You are not going to change things in my experience and nothing you do no matter how well intentioned will be well received or change anything. Best of luck.

@mambojambodothetango there were plenty messages/gestures of warmth from me to her.
Especially in the first few months of Dad dying.
I did ask her to meet up several times during my visit.

That's sound advice. Thank you.

Honestly, I don't see the point in sending such a long, angry message, but I don't think it's a choice between that and just cutting her off completely. Leave it a week or two, focus on other things and calm down about it? See if any olive branches are offered from her side, and how you feel about it once your emotions have settled a bit?

I think your message will just add fuel to the fire and give her ammo to let everyone know how you have upset her.
Just quietly withdraw.

I just went no contact. Explaining your POV is a waste of time and opens up a dialogue.

Personally l wouldn’t bother with the message. She’s clearly one of those people who doesn’t have the capacity to think about others and it’s ALL about her. The ashes scattering was a bit of a stunt by her, as was the memorial

Why do you think she had a tantrum about you announcing you were pregnant?

She deliberately excluded her from the ashes scattering and memorial. That would require one hell of an olive branch for me!

Just cut contact - had to do so with my mum recently after a row. We are talking again now, but things aren't what they were.
Have had to cut ties with my sibling (cause of said row) and that probably doesn't help.

I didn't say my piece when I went no contact? What would be the point? I assume that this is not out of the blue but likely part of an ongoing situation spanning years - therefore your mother is not going to take your point any more than she's taken it before. If she was capable of self reflection and changing, you wouldn't be in this situation. It will only cause more upset.

I did find it cathartic to write a long ranting letter (a bit like yours) for my own benefit. But it's not going anywhere.

I am no contact with my family and just walked away. I don't have time for drama and I don't waste energy or effort sending messages or having discussions when I know I won't be listened to.

There is no point in sending your message as it won't be listened to, and worse, it can set you up for your words to be manipulated. Be silent and serene.

I am NC with my mum. I wrote out everything I needed to say in an email and sent it to her with the request never to contact me again.

Now this doesn't mean she doesn't try (she does attempt to contact me still, maybe 3 times a year, I don't even read the messages anymore). But it does mean that it's been stated very clearly what I expect of her and why. The door is closed from my perspective. She may never give much consideration to anything I've said, but maybe one day, she will be able to talk to someone about it.

From a reconciliation perspective, it won't matter, as I don't ever want a relationship with her again at any point or for any reason. But it means that no one can every say that I wasn't open and honest and direct. She knows what's happened. She knows what she did that damaged the relationship. She knows what I asked her to do to repair it that she refused to do. It's all in writing. And I have proof of it. No one can dispute anything and that was important for me. I was also cathartic to be able to say all of that before I shut the door.

It's meant that I can move on in peace. Because I have nothing more to say and the relationship is over and done with. Before this, I got a lot of attempts to contact me, and while the attempts have not dropped to zero, they are few and far between and much more ignorable now. It's made a massive difference to my quality of life and my mental health. If I'd just disappeared and left her hanging, I wouldn't have had this outcome and life would have been a lot more stressful.

It's probably been cathartic writing it all down. But, honestly I'd just leave it and let her make the next move. It's sad but not everyone gets on with their mum/dad etc. Some people just like the drama they create, don't play the game.

I'd go no contact until she contacted me. I wouldn't bother with the email just keep it for reference for when and if she does contact you and you can discuss it then.
You are and have obviously been hurt by this indifference with your mother - I can understand your wanting to have your say but this is your anger speaking. Been there and done that with a sibling - it took eight sessions with Talking Therapies to sort stuff out in my mind and at the end of it - the realisation struck me that I just didn't care enough about it. So for all the letters my sibling has written to me - they are filed - someday I may or may not reply but I don't need to be beaten with a stick every time just to make them feel better.
The fact that you have written but not sent the email has allowed you to express your anger, hurt and disappointment - so don't let her ruin your future constantly trying to please her - it's not worth it.

I've absolutely no idea.
She was a bit weird about my announcing my second (successful) pregnancy, Didn't say congratulations just "how the hell are you going to cope with two"
I had several miscarriages over the last few years, no condolences from her and when I announced my last pregnancy (thankfully successful) she refused to speak to me on the phone.

Then a few weeks later started buying things for the baby and being all excited.

Do you think that if you send the message she is suddenly going to realize that she has been shitty to you, apologize and turn over a new leaf?

Do you think sending the message will help to jump start a more positive relationship going forward?

Do you think sending the message will provide you with some emotional release?

Any of these would be good reasons to send the message, but just be clear with your self as to why you are sending it. If you are hoping to re build a relationship, I would suggest it isnt a very constructive way to try and start out. If you want to get it off your chest, then its got a bit too much self justification (which you dont need..just tell her how she has been shitty to you from your perspective)

You're spot on.
It has been cathartic writing it down and discussing it here.