Would you say your piece or simply go no contact?

[McQueensMuse]

My relationship with my Mother has never been good, We are not close and she's said and done some pretty nasty/hurtful things over the years. We are very different people and just have never got on.

Me and my Dad were very close, he died this year.

Despite not being close, I made a lot of effort with her in the months following my dad's death and thought perhaps our relationship might turn a corner.

Well, It's all coming to a head now after an argument on the phone last week and I'm wondering whether I should just leave things as they are or have my say?
Especially keen to hear from those who have went no contact, Did you regret having your say or are you content with just walking away?

What would you do?
Have your say or just draw a line under the relationship altogether?

(I'll post the text/email I'm thinking about sending below which will give a bit of context)

Sorry this is so long by the way.

Just let it go and allow yourself to have a guilt-free arm's-length relationship. The chances of your mum having some kind of epiphany are negligible. Share your time and affection with the people in your life who don't drain you and make you feel like crap.

I'm glad I started this thread as it's helped me realise some things.
I guess I wanted to have my say because she'll be giving it....

"mqueen didn't visit her poor widowed mother despite being in town for the whole weekend" when that isn't what happened at all.
But me emailing my point of view isn't going to change her mind or stop her telling people her narrative is it?

Those close to me know how things have been with her over the years and what actually happened this last year and weekend.
More importantly I know and my lovely Dad knew too!

I would just keep your message saved as a “note”, and add to it when necessary.

Don’t send it though.

She will be facing the first Christmas without your Dad, and other first anniversaries, birthdays, anniversaries and part of grief is anger as well.

I would just hive her space to reflect as others upthread have suggested.

You will likely feel better for just keeping the note yourself, and adding to it as other thoughts arise.

Sending that letter won't fix whatever's broken inside her. She'll be defensive and come back with an argument, and you don't need to subject yourself to more of her vitriol. Understand that the problem is her, not you, block her and let it go. It's a shame, but there's nothing more you can do.

Writing out the rant and then burning it is a very good idea.

I'd say nothing ever again about all that has gone on so far. And then lower the amount of contact with her. Respond cheerfully and politely when she gets in touch, continue to acknowledge birthdays/Christmas/any other key occasions, but let it go at that.

Yes, you wanted things to change after your DDad's death. It hasn't, so now you need to let go of that dream that somehow she'll step up and become a warm parent figure. I think this may be bound up in the grieving for the parent you were close to, and a craving to still have an actual parent.

Judging by the fact that i started sobbing at your last paragraph, I'd say you've hit the nail on the head.

My parents told their version for years and unfortunately many believed it but after 20 years of observation they realized they had believed the lie and though too late to make things better I felt relief knowing that I didn't give in to their BS and the truth will out - even if the cost was high and long overdue.

Its painful, but not as painful as prolonging the suffering and its a very rare and highly motivated person who changes maybe 1 in 1,000,000.

You legit have my sympathies, best of luck!

Its tricky, I've always wanted to give my mother a real talking to and tell her I think she's an absolutely awful mother but she's in her 80's now so I've decided just never to visit instead. I can't bring myself to rant to an old woman.
I live a long way away so I always have an excuse.
I'm sure she knows because I've been making excuses not to see her for years and she isn't stupid.
I think it's better to go and talk to a counsellor and get it all out that way.

Read People of the Lie by Scott M Peck.
I found myself shouting YES at the end of every chapter.
He does recommend confronting the parent/s but I don't want to confront very old people so I didn't. I wrote a letter full of vitriol and rage and burnt it. Then I went for therapy and got it all out.
I no longer worry about her. She's missed out on a wonderful relationship with me and that's her loss not mine. I finally feel at peace.

Also when you lose the parent who made having a relationship with the difficult parent bearable, the dynamic changes hugely. Every prickly interaction with the difficult parent is a reminder of the parent you've lost. (Sorry for your loss op.)

I wouldn’t bother sending it; you’d be giving her exactly what she wants - attention!!

It doesn’t matter that it’s not positive attention but you’re using up energy and emotions showing her that her behaviour has hurt you and how much. She will preen to herself that she’s managed to get a reaction out of you and that, without doing anything, you’re running around feeling all upset that she won’t agree to meet you etc.

If I were you, I’d simply stop responding to her, remover her from all your SM and try to fill the (small) gap that this would leave by spending time with people who really would appreciate your time and attention!! She probably wouldn’t even notice straight away; more likely, it will dawn on her at some point over Christmas week, and you’ll have found there are people out there who want to make arrangements and spend time with you and return some of the energy and emotions you’ve put into being rejected by her so many times!