Anyone else finding life so bloody difficult?

[WhereWhoWhen]

I'm usually super independent. Consider myself quite resilient/robust, lucky enough to be healthy and have family, a partner and friends (no kids).

I don't know why I'm not happy or why life seems so difficult at the moment.

I was working a 'big' job. Good wage but long hours and a lot of stress. Through covid, the pace got insane and it never really reduced. I wasn't seeing my family, or friends. Anytime I spent time with my partner, I was exhausted or complaining about work. I was sleeping 10 hours a night and still feeling awful. The environment had also got pretty bad with cuts and people not being replaced etc.

So I took some action. I saw my GP, started taking some vitamins, getting outside every day and I moved to a much more junior role on secondment. Same company and still full time but roughly half the pay and responsibilities. Hoping it won't be too awful on my career prospects as I'm also taking my professional qualification through this role.
I'm 3 months into this new role and I'm still struggling massively and I don't know what else to do.

The new role includes a commute which the previous didn't so that adds 1 hr 45 mins each way but even taking that in, it should be less hours than before. I'm also needing to stay overnight two nights a week away from home.

I thought this would all be fine and manageable but instead I'm still tired, I'm making stupid mistakes and I have assessments approaching in January that I'm not ready for. My house seems to look worse despite me not being there half the week and I'm still struggling to fit in friends and family. I'm travelling during the week so barely have time/energy to do things after work but then by the time the weekend comes around, I just want to stay at home.

Financially its manageable but its a big drop and cuts have had to be made. My eating habits are awful due to all the trains and I'm getting very little exercise but can't seem to find the energy to do any.

I'm trying to sort Xmas at the min and have the my DP's parents staying over this weekend and I just want to give up and go back to bed.

I know people have much busier and more chaotic lives than this and seem to manage so easily or at least without this level of overwhelm and I feel so pathetic. Taking the job cut was huge with lots of people surprised I was willingly 'taking a step back' despite always being so ambitious and yet now, I feel like I'm not even coping with this level of life.

Any wise words? (Even if that's a kick up the arse!)

How old are you and when was the last time you had a proper break and a rest (more than a weekend)?

I am not sure a job cut was the best idea when you are adding a big commute. Long commutes are soul destroying. Maybe you should think about changing jobs altogether once you get your qualification.

I have had the busy, high-profile, time-critical projects with loads of responsibility. I’ve also had the quieter, lower profile projects that should (in theory) be less stressful. In reality, I find the easier jobs much more stressful. I have realised that I need the stress and stupid deadlines to keep me motivated.

I think the commute and the staying away from home 2 nights a week would take it out of anybody.

Is there no option to wfh some of the week?

I hear you, but don’t think you’ve chosen a good job option given its large drawbacks. Would look for something in between with another employer, with better location.

I wouldn’t add to my commute for less money. There must be a better role

Are you in peri menopuase?

Personally I think life is too hard, too much noise, stimulation, expectation, but equally being too separate from others, passwords all over the place for every single thing, everything seems hostile and difficult to achieve

But then it might be my age!

Wow, thanks for so many comments so quickly! It was a lot longer than planned so thank you for reading.

I'm mid-thirties so again, feel I should have the 'get up and go' and yet I just don't.

I wanted to take some time off between roles but it didn't work out due to my old role needing me Longer. I haven't been great at taking leave (well, had it cancelled three times ...) but I've now moved into a role where leave has to be taken at certain times of year. My first break is Xmas and it's a month which sounds fantastic.

But I do have my first set of exams in January so I imagine a lot of revision but no travel.I did look for other roles completely but did feel that the drop in responsibilities would be more beneficial than the money but I'm not so sure now.

No WFH option unfortunately which is a bit of a shock to the system when I was more balanced in the previous role.

That commute is ghastly. Can you seek a job nearer home? If there a possibility that you could work hybrid?

What do those two overnights a week look like? Are you able to use that as downtime (no cleaning to be done in a hotel!) or is it late working?

I took a lower level role, and found that actually it wasn’t the drop in stress that I thought it would be, because I had more autonomy at the higher level. I think that’s not an uncommon experience! (But for me worth it for the flexibility and reduced hours that came with the role)

Is your commute by car or train? If it’s by car, frankly I’d look for another job. If it’s by train that’s more manageable - I found commuting exhausting, but better when I approached the commute strategically - so using it as a chance to listen to a book and reframe it as “me time”, or doing the Christmas shop in one big Amazon session on a journey!

At the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying you know what, this is not working, and looking for something else. You can’t always find a way to force things to be ok.

I’ve found mid-30s to be a time which a lot of my friends switched careers. Some sped up their ambition, some slowed it down. Our needs and priorities change.

I'm not surprised you're feeling the strain OP - work pressures are not to be dismissed, so please don't feel that you 'should' be... Well, anything really! Coping, happy, even just ok - it's completely understanding if you aren't any of these things. That is a beast of a commute too. I used to work away from home a lot, and spend hours on trains. I always felt under pressure to work but the day I decided to take the commuting time to listen to a podcast or audiobook, gaze out of the window and just switch off was a game changer. If you can't change the duration of the commute for now, perhaps change what you do during it. I found I quite missed it when I stopped that job!

I think that the pandemic has really changed our working patterns and we are all finding a way thru. We are expected to be able to perform the same levels whilst being ‘in person’. I encourage you to set boundaries around your work life. Use the train trips to have self help or down time podcasts that help you to refocus. And also, take your holidays. They are needed.

I’m sure you’ll get good job advice from others, but in the short term - get a cleaner and ask them to include changing beds and possibly ironing as well, set up some kind of healthy ish food system for yourself, such as buying good quality ready meals for the freezer and frozen veg. Set yourself a non-negotiable target for drinking water and eating veg and fruit daily. Take a multivitamin, vitamin D and a probiotic.

On your commute spend 15 mins or so doing a guided meditation. There is an amazing woman on YouTube whose channel is called Boho Beautiful Yoga. Her guided meditations are the best I’ve ever tried. Doing this daily will help
you get clarity.

Book yourself a massage once a week. At the weekends go for say a 30 min walk and reward yourself with a nice coffee or something.

Be kind, gentle and consistent. Things will get clearer 💐

The commute is 2 x trains and a bus. It's not too awful on the way there so I've been using that time to concentrate on the qualification learning.

The way home is horrendously busy though. I regularly stand for 90% of the journey and seats aren't prebookable on the train that I'm on the longest.

I feel like I pegged so much on this. This was a huge change that was so out of character for me. It took me a really long time to make the decision and then to take the plunge and it doesn't seem to have fixed anything.

I really like the actual day to day stuff I'm doing which makes me think I'm just not managing the rest of my life very well?

My sister recently had a baby and I've been helping out/visiting when I can and listening to her juggle two kids and a baby, manage a house and do it all alone, I'm so proud of her. I wouldn't mention me feeling like this to her (of course) but in comparison, I just feel like a major drama queen.

Sorry, @TryAgainWithFeeling missed your question.

The overnights are in a hotel which I thought I'd love. And I do appreciate the quiet but it's a later working day and by the time I get back to the hotel, I'm falling asleep at 8pm ish. I even missed dinner twice so far.

Thanks for your suggestions @Sussurations. The walking is definitely something I need to get back into a habit with. I'd love a cleaner etc but the drop in pay wouldn't stretch unfortunately. And there's only the two of us at home which makes me feel incredibly lazy that we're not keeping on top of it!

I think what you think you should be doing with your career and life is different to what your mind and body actually wants to be doing. Sometimes what we think we need to be doing and what we should be doing for our health are two different things. Are you sure the career you are in still suits your needs and goals ?

Good question.

Tbh, this doesn't feel manageable for the next 15 months of the secondment. On the other hand, once I'm there and in it, I love what I'm doing on the day to day.

This qualification has been on my list for years and doing it now will help me later.

The commute sounds awful - it's 1 hr 45 mins each way? God! However, from what you've said it sounds like you've got another month or so at work, then you get a month off to be at home and revise in peace in quiet and then you sit your professional exams in January.

So what happens after that? Will you be done with studying and then get back into a more normal rhythm again? I wonder if it's the exams hanging over you and all the revision you need to do. I find stress a huge drain on my resources and add in a new role, lots of travel and nights away from home and that sounds like a lot to me - particularly as you spent a long time being really stressed out before you changed jobs and agonising over how to change things.

I think I'd aim to get through the next two months and then re-evaluate how you feel in January, once you've got your exams out of the way.

I've been here. The drop in responsibilities always sounds like a sensible move, but I don't think it addresses the real problem - which is a level of burn out regardless of seniority or role. The commute (and salary drop!) wouldn't suit me at all. I'd be taking my original role back (if poss) - booking some much needed time off over Christmas and then managing the role and your mindset towards it (taking the stress of work home with you etc).
It's tough to do, especially if your career is accelerating, but you must make sure you're attaching the right energy to the right problems. Have you thought about a work coach? (Life changing!)

I get the feeling you can do this. Good luck with everything :)

I'm very sorry this isn't working out as you'd hoped. You must be feeling disappointed: your choice took guts, and you deserve to be seeing at least some benefit!

Fantastic news about the month off for Xmas - not long to go now! Of course you'll be revising, but do be sure to make use of the time for lots of long sleeps, meandering around enjoyable places and seeing people you love, too. That is, make it a proper holiday with some revision, not a new kind of guilt trip!

My best advice about commuting is to treat it as a worthwhile part of your day. If it feels like dead time, it's soul destroying. If it's 3 hours of personal time instead, it can even start to feel like a bonus. More to point in your case, this is the extra time you wished for when deciding to switch roles.

I used to do my makeup, have breakfast and read the paper in the morning. Your mileage will vary; there are books to read, podcasts to listen to, personal letters to write or calls to make, meditation apps to get lost in, study to do ... you get the picture! An hour and a half is a nice big window of opportunity - twice a day, there's a whole world of possibilities. Plan this time to suit your needs and wants, as you would any other space in your life.

Exercise probably isn't a priority during this phase, but you're right about getting outdoors. What do you do at lunch time? Further opportunities to change the scenery and pace include going to a gym or pool after work, before going home, or getting off the train at the stop before home to walk the rest of the way. I'm sure you can think of more. Also, eliminate things like food shopping (unless you're the weirdo who enjoys it!) Get as much done online as you can.

Wishing you the best with this, and success in your exams.

A 1hr 45 each way commute would absolutely destroy me. Is there any room to wfh a few days a week

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Don’t compare yourself to other people. Horses for courses, and other people haven’t had to walk in your shoes before you got to this point, so there’s no use comparing how you are faring to those around you who are in different stages of life.

It sounds like burnout, and while the job stress has reduced on paper, you actually have additional stressors of a new job (learning is hard!), long commute, being away from home, new qualification, drop in pay, AND the decision fatigue from actually weighing up the factors on whether to go for this job. That’s a lot!

You are not weak, and you’re not alone in how you feel.

If I were you, I would be considering my options. Will you do yourself justice in this qualification if you don’t feel any better any time soon? Can you take the qualification another time?
If you don’t feel like you can last 15 months in the secondment (3.5 hours a day commute is BRUTAL), can you leave? Can you go back to your old job and work fewer hours? Can you do a new job?

If the above questions feel too big to contemplate right now, let’s work on topping up your energy.
What makes you smile?
What makes you feel content?
What makes you feel warm and safe?
What makes you feel energised?
Can you work one or two of these things into your day, and all of them into your week?

Be kind to yourself!

Sorry, I've just realised you might be driving, not commuting by public transport. Same applies, but it's far more draining because you have to be 'on' the whole time and are limited in your options. I'd find it hard to cope, and would look to the train or even staying more nights near the office (bit of a blow if you've already taken a pay cut!) Most people I've known with long drives to work have made the trip very early in the morning, to limit the stress, although that does make their evenings at home very short.

I think get your qualification sorted then look for a less demanding job both in terms of role & travel.

Thanks everyone.

The really odd thing is, in my last job I had to travel a few times a month and I looked forward to it. Exactly as you say @GarlicMaybeNot , I'd make the most of the uninterrupted time when I couldn't be on a call or in a meeting and I'd get loads done.

I think the combo of it being 3 separate vehicles and the waiting time in between as well as the busy-ness of the route is making it less productive. But I can definitely address my Mindset to it and try to get other things done.

@Northby thank you for your kind words. I'm struggling a little with the knowing myself bit at the min. I've never been conflicted really or had any issues with Mindset (lucky I know!) but I don't enjoy the stuff I used to. I was a big reader but that stopped during the busy job (no time) and I've tried a million times in the last 3 months but I just can't get into a book or reading.

My old job is still there but the secondment is for 18 months. And I'd have to give up the qualification. I don't know when/if I'd ever have the opportunity to do it again. Plus work are paying for it so feel messing them around now would be really bad form.