Anyone else finding life so bloody difficult?

[WhereWhoWhen]

I'm usually super independent. Consider myself quite resilient/robust, lucky enough to be healthy and have family, a partner and friends (no kids).

I don't know why I'm not happy or why life seems so difficult at the moment.

I was working a 'big' job. Good wage but long hours and a lot of stress. Through covid, the pace got insane and it never really reduced. I wasn't seeing my family, or friends. Anytime I spent time with my partner, I was exhausted or complaining about work. I was sleeping 10 hours a night and still feeling awful. The environment had also got pretty bad with cuts and people not being replaced etc.

So I took some action. I saw my GP, started taking some vitamins, getting outside every day and I moved to a much more junior role on secondment. Same company and still full time but roughly half the pay and responsibilities. Hoping it won't be too awful on my career prospects as I'm also taking my professional qualification through this role.
I'm 3 months into this new role and I'm still struggling massively and I don't know what else to do.

The new role includes a commute which the previous didn't so that adds 1 hr 45 mins each way but even taking that in, it should be less hours than before. I'm also needing to stay overnight two nights a week away from home.

I thought this would all be fine and manageable but instead I'm still tired, I'm making stupid mistakes and I have assessments approaching in January that I'm not ready for. My house seems to look worse despite me not being there half the week and I'm still struggling to fit in friends and family. I'm travelling during the week so barely have time/energy to do things after work but then by the time the weekend comes around, I just want to stay at home.

Financially its manageable but its a big drop and cuts have had to be made. My eating habits are awful due to all the trains and I'm getting very little exercise but can't seem to find the energy to do any.

I'm trying to sort Xmas at the min and have the my DP's parents staying over this weekend and I just want to give up and go back to bed.

I know people have much busier and more chaotic lives than this and seem to manage so easily or at least without this level of overwhelm and I feel so pathetic. Taking the job cut was huge with lots of people surprised I was willingly 'taking a step back' despite always being so ambitious and yet now, I feel like I'm not even coping with this level of life.

Any wise words? (Even if that's a kick up the arse!)

I found audiobooks brilliant for a mixed transport commute - no need to stop listening as you move around.

Sounds like tiredness is still a bigger issue than it ought to be. Have you gone through medical options with your GP - sleep apnoea, vitamin deficiency, etc? Do a bit of reading up first and don’t get fobbed off!

Hi, I recognise lot of your behaviours WhereWhowhen. you are displaying classic symptoms of burn-out: unable to concentrate on leisure activities, withdrawal from social life, exhaustion, etc

The instinct to rein your work in is overall positive - the problem is that your solution has as many negatives as your original problem. And the reason is you are not recognising how fundamentally exhausted you are. You need to recharge your batteries.

could you ask work for a period of flexible working eg wfh one week on, one week off? Or change your hours so your commute home is at a better time of day?

why are you working such long hours on the days you stay in the hotel? Why can’t you work your contracted hours?

if you don’t make adjustments you will break

Audio books are a great idea, thank you!

Thanks for your thoughts @MissusNiceGuy I was getting a little worried about my health in the last job. Some stomach symptoms, the tiredness and also my periods randomly stopped about a year ago. I'm undergoing some tests but nothing obvious jumping out at this stage.

This move was meant to give me the chance to slow down. When I'm working, it's great. But the travel, the financial aspect, the need for exam prep/study outside feels like a lot of extra stuff. Then normal life stuff too.

I don't know how I can improve my attitude/approach to life. This was supposed to be a break and even this hasn't helped. How do people do it and run families etc too?!

The move you chose wasn’t a ‘slow down’! It was just less money.

If you stick it out when would you get the qualification? You could plan your next step now, based on having the qualification; seek to return to your old job sooner; or job seek elsewhere now for something closer to home and better pay.

Are there some measures you could take for your health? Whatever you decide.

Thanks @Loopytiles

I don't think going back to the old job right now is a great idea, although obviously the money would help.

Working a 60 hour week was a quiet one, there was also a new boss who was causing issues (4 others in my team have left completely in the last 6 months) and I was still super exhausted.

It will take 18 months to get the qualification although the travel bit may drop down a little. Maybe that's what I should focus on negotiating?

@WhereWhoWhen feel free to join my new 'wallowing' thread if that helps.

Mind you none of what you post is trivial shit. I spent years doing a full on full time role with small children and it was so hard. People on the outside all look like they are coping perfectly but many aren't.

This kind of full on travel and staying away does take its toll. And you have studying on top, that's a lot. The good thing is that you have an end date to aim for and plan around.

My advice to you would be firstly to plan in breaks and lovely things to look forward to in your down time. Make sure you get outside for a walk (even if it's just to the bus stop or station) every day as it lifts your mood and gives energy.

With hotel living it's fine to get early nights but don't do it at the expense of eating properly.

If you have a fridge in the room then buy decent M&S salads and cheese/ bread to eat when you get in. Take your own plates and cutlery if it makes sense. Or eat before you get back to the hotel. Drink lots of water.

Take a small light yoga mat and do some stretches in your room. If you are at the same hotel each week they might let you store a mat in their left luggage room so it's not another thing to carry.

But most of all listen to your heart. Working life is long. Make sure it's something that you (mostly) enjoy, rather than endure. I see many friends who earn much less than I did, but who seem much more relaxed and contented with the balance more even. I think they may have got it more right than I did !

You aren't taking hormonal contraception are you? A lot of the "I ought to be coping, why is this so hard?" type sentences sound eerily familiar. I wasn't right when I was on the pill. It made me weirdly energetic round the edges, and dog tired at the core (if that makes any sense??). So I kept thinking I ought to achieve and cope then crashing.

That said, it's a pretty brutal schedule so totally normal to be in survival mode till you've got your qualification.

Sorry to hear you had such a rough time @deplorabelle

I've been off the pill for a good few years now so I'm hoping it's not that but I know it can really not agree with some people. Hope you got sorted.

I'm fine now thanks. I just avoid nowadays

Is there a possibility of moving closer to this new job - that way your commute won't be so brutal. From what you have said the job itself is good, it's just getting there and having to stay in hotels etc.

Could you be undiagnosed autistic/ ADHD? I know it's a cliché that every issue on MN gets this suggestion...but that's because there are so many undiagnosed autistic women out there, as high functioning autism was not recognised in girls who were at school in the 80s.

There is some strange rationale around your decision making for a pay cut that reminds me of pre diagnosis me. Apart from the benefit of the professional qualification, it seems like the re is little benefit to this secondment. You sound burned out but determined to continue no matter what - that's not entirely rational thinking.

Thanks for the suggestion. With mortgage rates at the min, I'd be worried I'd be worse off for the sake of a 18 month secondment.

My DP works near our current location but he does WFH a fair bit.

You're right though, everyone on this thread seems to think it's the travelling which may be the case.

@Gruffling thanks for sharing your experience. my DP has ADHD (medicated) and I don't recognise his symptoms in me. I'm not as familiar with the symptoms of autism in women so never say never but I've not had any issues with work before. I'm an introvert so sometimes do find myself "hiding away" when things are busy but not usually to this degree. Can I ask what type of symptoms prompted you to seek a diagnosis?

So, I fainted yesterday. Had a blood test, nothing there so the Dr thinks it's stress related.

I'm getting so frustrated with myself and I don't know how to give myself the break. How do people manage it with bills to pay?!