Did anyone else‘s mother

[Growingupinthe80s]

Did anyone else‘s mother sit around discussing you with their friends, who would also snipe about their children? Mine did and it has broken trust to this day. Some of the mothers would also tell tales about other kids. It was basically gossip, horrible to hear and left such a feeling of shame.

This was the 80s/90s. I cannot imagine talking about DC like this and would tell any adult pointlessly tattling (it was nothing important that needed to be shared) to stop.

Yep

Yes my mother did this, and I've never forgiven her! Most of her friends spoke positively about their own children, but she never took the hint.

Ha oh god yea. I can’t say it’s really caused any long-lasting issues between us (further than those we already have!) but you had to be so careful what she found out/what you told her. She wasn’t mean or negative particularly but just had no sense of what wasn’t hers to share.

One of the reasons I never told my mother anything; because it would get back to grandmother, DM's work mates and probably my aunts and uncles as well.

Exh had an affair and left to be with OW. It was all round the family that he'd left me for 'someone younger' (I was 30). Needless to say she hadn't bothered to ask if I minded the pain and feeling of humiliation being shared around.

Yes. Not in exactly the same way. My mother would sit and complain about me, and the other mothers would reciprocate with how wonderful their DC were. My mother would then shoehorn these DC into every conversation, saying how wonderful they were. She is still doing it to this day and one of her GC has cut her off as a result and she STILL wont stop.

Certainly if she heard something bad about a child she would be telling everyone. I once said a boy from school was naughty nearly 50 years ago and she is still telling people that. He recently split up from his partner but it was only to be expected because he was a naughty boy!

Also laughing at me in public and humiliating me eg announcing to everyone that I had wet myself and laughing.

I thought all this was normal for many decades.

Yes and I do the same - although not in earshot of any kids

My (single) mum never did this but it might have been better for her mental health if she had. My sister had a lot of mental health problems, and physical health problems, and blamed them all on my mum. On decisions she'd made or hadn't made, etc. I've seen some of the messages she's sent her, even in her 30s, just full of verbal abuse and unreasonable accusations.

In reality, we have severe mental health histories in my family (eg a relative from an older generation died from suicide), so some/all of it is simply genetic, and not my mum's fault at all.

My mum has just got increasingly consumed in guilt and anxiety and she is just a wound up ball of panic nearly all the time, needing constant reassurance, really hard to live with. If only she'd confided in another adult, who could have given her perspective, things might have been better.

Yep my DM would slag us all off to her friends in front of us. She did it with our boyfriends too, when we got older. She even once said some pretty nasty and untrue things about us in a letter to a friend she'd left lying around and we saw.

Then she was surprised as adults we had little to do with her. I've been totally NC for 7+ years now and the others have very little to do with her.

Do none of you talk about your children to your friends?

Not with friends, but with her sisters. I know all sorts about my cousins, and can only assume they know the same about me.

Certainly not in that manner.

Yes, my mum did this all the time - "amusing" anecdotes, always ones that humiliated us. Partly true and partly invented or exaggerated.

I thought it was normal as well, at the time. But I can't imagine doing that to my own kids.

Now we have very little contact with her and share nothing about our lives. Just small talk, and not very often. When she goes, I won't miss her.

Yes, my mother did this too. My parents were 'friends' (no real warmth or affection, just competition) with another couple who had 3 kids of similar ages to us. Let's call them the Jones. My parents were forever comparing my siblings and me to the Jones kids. As in, 'Sally Jones doesn't wear make up yet', 'Stephen Jones spends much more time studying than you do'. It was unbelievably tiring and weird. We weren't friends with these kids and couldn't give a shit what they were doing or not doing. Looking back, I can see it was all about my parents' own insecurities and their own sense of not being good enough, but at the time it just felt like WE weren't good enough

Surely it’s normal to have a bit of a moan to your friends, isn’t it? It’s how women bond and show mutual support in friendship groups.

Have you read mumsnet? That’s about 50% of content

She used to find my diaries and tell my aunt what I'd written when they called each other. Until I stopped writing or found better hiding places!
I talk about my child to my friends, but nothing personal, and not when she's there.

It probably is normal to have a moan to your friends. I grew up believing it was normal to never say a kind word to or about your own child. I've recently learned that is not the case.

Yes. And it never stopped when I became an adult. I've met people (as an adult) whose whole assumption of me is based on my mother's assassination of my character as a child. That's very painful.

I sent her a photo of a painting I was particularly proud of a few years ago, and she accidentally pressed the "record" button on WhatsApp, and sent me a voice clip of her trashing my work and my character to my MIL, (who she also hates and shit talks behind her back). I have vastly drawn back from contact with her nowadays. And of course, as a result, the shit taking will probably be worse than ever. It hurts to not have that assumed love, loyalty and support. Sure I have made bad choices and I'm nowhere near perfect, but I was not a bad person as a child, and unfortunately grew up thinking I was.

Mine loved to exaggerate everything to the point where it was just made up bollocks. It was always "struggling" and "worried". Destroyed my confidence. Never got it back. I'm LC with her, because she is still doing it to all and sundry, including school mums when I used to let her collect DC - thankfully one told me what she'd been up to so I put an end to that. The nasty cow.

So sorry others had this. It was like competitive bitching and looking back showed a complete lack of awareness on their part. The biggest gossip of the group has adult children who are NC. The worst was hearing `So and so said this about you‘. Looking back I want to reply that So and so is obviously a nasty bit of work, so why would you discuss your children with her.

I don’t think what they were discussing was ever useful or could have been used to support us children.

@CurlewKate

"Do none of you talk about your children"

Yes, most mothers do to an extent and an exchange of information with other mums, such a potty training or the difficult teenage years can be cathartic. But this thread if I've got it right is about mothers who tittle tattle (more akin to office gossip) or share personal information about their children as though it was their own. Then there are other mums who say nasty things about their kids behind their backs.

For those who are worried about others judging them based on their mothers' character assassinations - I can offer a bit of hope.

In recent years I've ended up meeting several people independently whose opinions of me I would have worried about for that reason. Without exception I have found them pleasant and kind and, when the subject of my mum comes up, it becomes subtly obvious that she is viewed as a slightly unstable Mean Girl and they take anything she says with a massive bucket of salt. They seem to feel sorry for me and my siblings for having her as a parent.

I ask very good friends for advice about how to deal with general parenting issues and I do talk about how they are getting on, but I never discuss things in too much detail as I think they need their privacy.

My mother had a group of friends around to exorcise me. They all stood outside my bedroom praying or whatever over me, because she didn't know what else to do with me. It was the last straw before putting me in a home apparently (which she didn't do). I was just a normal teenager. Worst I did was get drunk in nightclubs once a week.

Yes my mum would call her friends and stand outside my room and talk about me