Did anyone else‘s mother

[Growingupinthe80s]

Did anyone else‘s mother sit around discussing you with their friends, who would also snipe about their children? Mine did and it has broken trust to this day. Some of the mothers would also tell tales about other kids. It was basically gossip, horrible to hear and left such a feeling of shame.

This was the 80s/90s. I cannot imagine talking about DC like this and would tell any adult pointlessly tattling (it was nothing important that needed to be shared) to stop.

Not exactly, but her lack of self-esteem, her perception that her children were an aspect of her, and her horror of looking ‘full of herself’ meant that when anyone congratulated her on something good one of us had achieved, she would immediately deprecate it. I have a strong memory of when I had won a national scholarship to postgrad study abroad (and it was in the local paper, otherwise she wouldn’t have told anyone for fear of looking ‘too big for her boots’), her telling a neighbour, ‘Oh Seethrough is too lazy to ever leave university, she’s just putting off work’.

It took me until well into adulthood to see how damaging this was as a pattern — it took a lot of work for me to not immediately bat away attention or praise, often really ungraciously.

Yes! I wonder if this was a parenting technique popularised in the 70s and 80s: I think my Mum particularly- and also older female colleagues in my early career when I was similar ages to their children- used the talking about you with you in earshot as an alternative of talking to you.

Overwhelmingly critically, and not particularly constructively.

My self-esteem is shot as a result and I find relationships difficult and worry about rejection and take things very personally. E.g. 'Rebecca and Bobby have sour pusses today and aren't really talking to me but are to others, what have I done wrong?/what is inherently wrong with me compared to other people who just fit in?'.

I wonder how much of it was an attempt at using shame to control. It was extremely shaming and damaging.

If I had my friends/boyfriend around she would talk negatively about me which was mortifying, picking holes about how look/what I wear, my personality. I think she was an insecure unhappy person.

My mother is an absolutely incorrigible gossip who discusses everyone with everyone else, all the time. Her idea of keeping a secret is to prefix its passing on with “you didn’t hear this from me” and to say it in a low voice. I learned many years ago that I just can’t trust her with anything I’m not happy to be public knowledge. She also has no qualms about sharing her most negative spin on any situation, even if it’s about someone close to her and even if it’s built entirely on idle speculation.

Yes my mother did this, then she couldn't understand why I didn't tell her when I started my period! Seriously she had no filter. I know everything about all the other kids from how they were doing at school to health problems etc etc.
Also my mother and her friends spent most of their time slagging off their own mother's. And they still do, her best friends mother is 97 and she is still moaning about her mother.
I actually have been careful not to do that but honestly she could hardly moan if I did.

I was just thinking that I do not hear parents today talking like this. I guess oversharing on social media may be today‘s version.

I guess so but it's all fakey positive on social media isn't it? Although that is better still.

Well done you! I have tried to excommunicate my mother for years now, because not only does she criticise me and my kids to others (I've never heard her doing this as it's rare that I meet up with her but I feel worse when she criticises me to my face. Also she tends to diagnose my Friends as being sly and drug addicts and so she used to tell me it would be better for me if I didn't hang around with her. Of course mum was mortified and apologetical when I told her that my friend had a bit of a lazy eye which may have caused her to appear sly! I liked it because I thought it made her look more

My mother was one of those people who thought/knew she was always right but our relationship has improved a lot since my husband and I got married, he is always there to calm me down and to put a different view on things as I am not totally unreasonable! In fact I am getting some better personality traits from him, especially as he is renowned for being such a patient person. I needed a lot of help with this personality trait. I try to forgive and forget the past as when I have managed to do this I feel largely unburdened! I would urge others to try it too.

On MN everyone seems to moan and gossip about their family children husbands etc.
The whole world knows only difference is that no one knows who you are.

Im sure my Mum dis and does as she's a gossip and loves it when things aren't going right for people

Also, I lived with my GP's during Primary due to my Mum being hospitilised when my Father left her and GP's had custody. My Gran would stop and gossip about my Mum to anyone who she bumped into

well done you! I've struggled with my mother for years due to this type of relationship. Not only was she a single mother but she blamed me for her shame. It actually hurts more when she says things to my face in front of family members or friends (I'm talking about the few stragglers left who she hasn't managed to chase away! I mean these are Grammar School candidates who can work out a jibe behind a sentence in a nanosecond! I sometimes think it's all caused by loneliness and if I visit her in this state of mind it tends to go better and longer before I just see my kids shoulders beginning to droop. I have pointed all of this out to her and she won't even entertain the idea - especially when she felt like she had an upper hand in things. No, Im not going to let whatever it was happened with my dad (who had oesophageal cancer). My mother is a glass half empty person and I try to be glass half full!

Oh yes. The worst was when I had friends over, to ask them about what they thought about other children.

My Mum used to talk about me to her Mum, in front of me.
I used to find it annoying but she did it less as I got older and it didn't really affect our relationship.
With hindsight it probably was because my Mum was quite isolated and didn't have many friends to talk to.

Goodness, some very sad stories here.

My mother moaned about me to her siblings, but they also moaned to her about their children, so I didn’t feel singled out. My cousins and I were all fairly hard work (all diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood - cousins constantly in trouble with the police for drugs, drunk driving, etc; meanwhile I was law abiding but unbearably moody & and never did anything I was meant to do).

There was no support for kids like us at the time, and nothing but judgement of our parents. I don’t begrudge them supporting one another / having a moan as they were the only people they could talk to who would understand. It helped them get us through adolescence in one piece, without disowning us completely.