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Original poster

I know I'm being horrible

32 replies

Toothteeth23 · 10/11/2023 22:58

I know I'm being horrible when I say this . But I'm feeling selfish. My 2 youngest go to their dad's every other weekend sleep for 2 nights . Every night around 10pm they video call me. It sounds awful but it's annoying.. I don't get much time to myself as I have other children who have mental health issues and other difficulties. I don't get to do simple things such as watch TV. So I go to bed around 10pm settle myself in bed and watch TV. I only have a basic TV in my room so I can't pause rewind etc and the 2 youngest always call me just as I settle to watch something. They don't have anything to say they are just making noise and silly sounds . I ask them what they have been up to . But that takes 20 seconds then it's just faces and sounds they are only 7&8 I love them to bits but sometimes I want time on my own. I asked if they ask to call me and they said no daddy tells us to. But i also can't tell them not to. That would be awful

OP posts:
Pallisers · 10/11/2023 23:00

Of course you can tell them not to - tell them to call you at 7.30 instead. Write the time down for them. Tell them you can't pick up the phone after 9.30 as you will be asleep (and what are they doing up at 10 anyway) and if you are in a situation where you can say it to ex, do the same.

Then turn don't answer. They are with a parent who can text you if it is an emergency.

fourelementary · 10/11/2023 23:08

Tell your ex they should be in bed and not making stupid calls at 10pm. It’s on him and not the kids.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/11/2023 23:10

Sorry why on earth aren't a 7 and 8 year old in bed at 10? If they call, be firm but fair, tell them it's time to go to bed, say night night (don't get drawn into a long goodnight) and confidently end the call with the red button then put your device on airplane mode for about 30 mins so they get the message.
You also need to talk to your ex about bedtimes. Children need sleep and they don't take themselves to bed!

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/11/2023 23:14

fourelementary · 10/11/2023 23:08

Tell your ex they should be in bed and not making stupid calls at 10pm. It’s on him and not the kids.

He's probably doing it deliberately to make sure she doesn't get an early night.

Rick9plus · 10/11/2023 23:23

They really should be asleep by 10pm at age 7 and 8!

FuckingHellAdele · 10/11/2023 23:29

You're not being horrible. Does your ex have control issues?

Thewondererhasreturned · 10/11/2023 23:32

I'd be worried the ex is trying to check up on you. As others have said tell them to ring you for half 6/7 then have a get out clause also like batteries dying or diners ready or someone's at the door or even just that your busy. I would say they don't need to ring you every night its important they have quality time with their dad. I'm intrigued do they ring their father every night when staying with you?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/11/2023 23:33

They should be in bed!! What on earth is he doing,?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/11/2023 23:33

You aren't horrible at all, he is putting you in this situation probably because he is a nasty bastard.
Tell the girls you are having an early night and won't be answering past 8pm ( they should be in bed before 10pm anyway tbh ) because you are asleep.
I'm sure they will be fine so long as they know before hand.

Original poster
Toothteeth23 · 10/11/2023 23:42

I don't think the ex is up to anything nasty trying to check up etc . I think . He thinks it's a kind thing to do.

I don't have control about them being up at 10pm they are not in my care. As long as they are not in danger or anything like that . It not my place to say when they go to bed.

There is a bit of co tavt through the week just a few messages though but thar both of us . He might as how kids are. I might ask how his days been or if I have a diy question fir example. We don't hate each other . Just this video call thing is annoying

OP posts:
LoneFemaleTraveller · 10/11/2023 23:44

Dont answer. Tell your ex to stop telling them to facetime you.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/11/2023 23:48

If you have an amicable relationship then it should be no problem to tell him you won't be answering video calls past a more reasonable time.
Why haven't you told him this already?

Original poster
Toothteeth23 · 10/11/2023 23:50

TomatoSandwiches · 10/11/2023 23:48

If you have an amicable relationship then it should be no problem to tell him you won't be answering video calls past a more reasonable time.
Why haven't you told him this already?

Because I don't want to hurt the kids feelings

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/11/2023 23:50

Tell you kids you're going out so won't be able answer the phone. Then don't!

TomatoSandwiches · 10/11/2023 23:53

Can you not video call them at a time that suits you? Preemptive action and set a new normal. Perfectly reasonable imo.

FrogFighter · 10/11/2023 23:56

Put the boundary in! 10 is too late for hijinks and you are tired. Back in the day you’d get a flea in your ear for being up past 8. Our parents would make it clear they did not want to see us. Same here. They should be in bed or at least out of your face.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/11/2023 00:07

Why don't you message them at 8 o'clock and tell them you are having an early night and that if they call you, you probably won't hear the phone.

Jewelspun · 11/11/2023 00:09

At those ages they are old enough to understand that it's late evening.

Tell them and your ex no calls after 7.00pm or whatever time you wish to choose.

MintGreenPolo · 11/11/2023 00:24

Don’t answer 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Toothteeth23 · 11/11/2023 09:02

Jewelspun · 11/11/2023 00:09

At those ages they are old enough to understand that it's late evening.

Tell them and your ex no calls after 7.00pm or whatever time you wish to choose.

My 7&8 year old do not have an understanding of time. Of course their dad does . But ds looks really pleased with himself when he calls he has a really lovely smile on him. And it makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
Britneyfan · 11/11/2023 09:07

If you have an amicable relationship just tell your ex that you’d like them to call earlier in the evening, or indeed it’s also ok to say that actually you’d prefer them not to call at all when they’re with him unless they’ve specifically asked to (which at that age they probably won’t think to). As it gives you a chance to have a much-needed break if they don’t call. And tell him just to say something like “oh mummy said she’s feeling a bit tired tonight so she’s gone to bed early but she’s looking forward to seeing you” if they are asking. It really is ok to want to carve out a little bit of time for yourself.

GreyCarpet · 11/11/2023 09:23

I really don't think your ex thinks this is a 'kind' thing to do.

My exh wouldn't have told our children to call me because he respected that I had them 24/7 on my own when they weren't with him and felt I was entitled to some 100% child free time.

I wonder how much of this is because, if the children call you at 10pm and your sitting in bed watching TV, you're definitely not out having fun or on a date or in bed with a man. And aren't likely to be doing those things if you've been trained to expect a call from your children at 10pm.

Either that, or he is trying to get a few minutes break for himself during one of the few evenings he spends with them.

DatingDinosaur · 11/11/2023 09:23

It sounds like your ex is using the kids so HE can check up on you – to make sure you’re not out with another man – something like that. A sort of subtle way of not letting you live your life, or move on (even if that’s just going out with friends).

CryptoFascist · 11/11/2023 09:29

This smacks of him not wanting you to have any time to yourself and possibly wanting to check you're not out on a date.
How long since you split up?

On the weekend he doesn't have them start getting them to Facetime him at 10pm.

Changednayme · 11/11/2023 09:30

They shouldn’t be awake at 10pm

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