Do antidepressants help clear thinking or does it just dull strong thoughts/feeling - will I lose ME?

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I have had issues with my mental health for most of my life.

I am now 50 and when I say most of my life, it literally is. I have had anxiety, strange obsessional thoughts and processes, panic and fear of living since I was a small child in primary school. I recall nothing triggering this, I think it’s just my basic make up.

It has been a rollercoaster of an emotional journey over the last 50 years of my life.

I have tried everything (non-pharmaceutical) that I could physically afford. From endless CBT sessions, counselling, relaxation therapies, hypnotherapy, other talking therapies and weird whacky alternative stuff………….none have had lasting positive impacts on my MH because here I am still struggling (and not helped at all by the fact I am now in the throes of perimenopause).

One thing that I have never tried long term are antidepressants. That is simply because, and I’ll be frankly honest, I am absolutely terrified of them.

I am scared of ending up woolly headed, unable to think clearly, to have my senses, emotions and personality deadened and my brain and mind to be ‘taken over’ by pharmaceuticals (I know, even writing that down looks ridiculous but that is genuinely how my brain thinks).
I am also worried they will contribute long term to something terrible such as Alzheimer’s (my poor dm suffers and it’s hell).

Maybe they may deaden my senses and personality and I won’t know or care, maybe they will help turn down this internal dial I have on my mental and emotional health, the one that has been ramped up to overdrive since I was a small child and has left me in a state of permanent exhaustion.

I am scared (petrified) but nothing else has helped me. I just don’t want to carry on into my older years feeling this way anymore.

What will/could these meds do for me? Will I still be me? I don’t want to lose ME but to turn down everything else about me, if that makes any sense.

Depends on the AD. Some numb you up.

Im currently in Venlafaxine. This makes for a smiley chilled friendly sparkly me.

A low dose of venlafaxine changed my life. I no longer suffer from OCD or intrusive thoughts and I don't have fuzzy head side effects because this particular medication works for me. I have found equilibrium that I never thought I'd have. I also had 2 courses of counselling, not CBT but talking therapy with trauma based refocus sessions. Like you, I have suffered since I was 3/4 years old and only in my 30s did I get the help that I needed. In my very honest opinion it is worth it, speak to a compassionate GP who will listen.

I took sertraline. I don't know if I was just lucky, but I felt amazing on them. Like I was on a constant high, so happy and relaxed. Tbh I think about going back on them to feel like that again.
I was able to concentrate and focus as it took away all the background noise.

Depends.

SSRIs make me totally flat and personality-less (not woolly/foggy though). They don’t do that for everyone.

There are various types of ADs and most people can find one that suits them.

You have nothing to lose and everything to potentially gain!

I took citalopram at a time when I was so anxious I was almost shaking and also when I just felt nervous the whole time for no reason. I took a fairly low dose and it just calmed me down. It didn't stop my normal emotions or ability to think.

I took SSRIs in my 20s, and they didn't have that effect on me - they gave me a bit more energy and allowed me to focus my thinking more. I don't think I'd have finished my postgrad degree without them. Effects can be different for different people but I remember my GP was quite conservative with the dose initially, reviewed it often, and would have stopped/changed it if it wasn't working for me.

I'm on duloxetine. I'm a better me.

I tried some many years ago. They made me sleepy so I stopped. I don't have time for that.

I took sertraline. For me it was the lifting of a dead, flat feeling that was pushing me down. I started to get chinks of "me" back.

I vividly remember taking my daughter clothes shopping (a huge chore I had had to push myself to do) and finding myself enjoying seeing her so happy. Couldn't remember the last time I had felt joy. Didn't fully understand how much I had lost "me" until I got a bit back.

I found my thinking is clearer and more rational. I notice things that make me smile and I can feel pleasure. Without them everything feels grey and I can’t think from the noise of intrusive thoughts. I don’t feel I’ve lost myself, I feel I’ve found the me I want to be. The me I glimpsed occasionally on a good day. Sertraline is what works for me.

150g of Sertraline with an upping to 200g in winter has saved my ‘ME’. I’ve been on them for for the last 10 years and within that last 10 years I managed to get the proper support for my son with autism, ping up in the morning, not lay in bed ALL day, finish my degree, train to teach and successfully hold down a teaching job. I no longer think suicide is the only solution as I can think things through relatively rationally and sort them.
I am a ‘me’ that I love and they’ll be prising my ADs out of my cold, dead hands - but at an appropriate, not gone-too-soon age.

I have always been so worried about this but eventually couldn't take things anymore, I take a v low dose (only 10mg) of fluoxetine (Prozac), I started with the aim to up the dose about 1.5 years ago but haven't needed to up it, it's turned me into a much more relaxed social happy less anxious person, I'm so happy to made the decision to go that route

I’d love that version of me, never met her before.
It’s been suggested by my consultant I try fluoxetine or escitalopram.

A word of caution - the first two weeks in them raised my anxiety levels hugely and I felt very agitated. But I stuck with it and the ability to feel joy and happiness has made an unbearable existence a life I’m glad I have. You may find the other non-pharmological techniques you’ve tried are augmented with the medication.

I was on fluoxetine for 3 years followed by citalopram. Be prepared to feel terrible for the first few weeks, I didn't sleep felt dizzy and sick and thought I was having a full breakdown. But soon the side effects stop, then very slowly over the months I just filled up with a warm happiness, the edge of fear I lived with faded away and even the buzz of excitement for life came back. For me it was depression that deadened my emotions and filled my head with fog. The antidepressants brought colour, clarity of thought and energy back into my life.

Dontfuckingsaycheese your reply is so very encouraging. I am trying to navigate my days with all of these thoughts/feelings whilst caring for my mum with dementia and it’s such hard work. I need the meds just to help with the caring alone.

namechange003 I’m so glad to hear they’ve helped you. Fluoxetine is one of the meds they have suggested.
I wanted to start on 10mg but my consultant said they start at 20mg capsules. I was hoping to start low and slow. Are yours capsules or tablets?

Thanks for the tip PandyMoanyMum

My dd was on Fluoxetine. We have 10 mg capsules downstairs. Chemist dispensed them. I can send you a photo if it helps.

ConflictofInterest One of the reasons I’ve always put off taking them is the fear of the initial side effects but I just can not go on like I am anymore, I’ll have to suck it up as terrifying as it is to me (I have awful health anxiety too so side effects are my biggest nightmare!)

If you wrote out a list of the side effects then when you start suffering from one you can look at your list and reassure yourself that it’s only temporary. i told my therapist that I wanted to try antidepressants and she really tried to talk me out of it and helped add to the stigma I already felt in my own mind.

She was wrong - they saved my life. If you’ve tried everything else then I would bite the bullet. My meds didn’t make me a happy sparkly person but I wasn’t constantly crying and thinking about death either - they did make some more room for me to be happy and feel joy in individual moments. Definitely an improvement!

I'm taking Fluoxetine and have been for about 6 weeks. I felt a bit odd in the first couple of weeks but am now feeling much better. Lighter. Definitely still like me.
It's worth giving it a go op. I'm glad I did.

I take mirtazipine. I'm prone to awful pmdd and general depression. Instead, I take them before bed so they have no effect on me in a tired woolly way. I only get a bit irritable during my period, most of the time I'm actually content. Quiet of mind. I don't reach heights of happiness but I never have. But I do feel appreciative of things in my life and am a better mother.
I accept that my brain chemistry is wonky and that antidepressants produce more of the happy hormones that other people are just lucky enough to have! I wish I had taken them earlier as most of my relationships were car wrecks due to my major moods.
My sex drive went from 100 to 5 after having my first child, so I can't say the antidepressants are responsible. But I don't really care.

You would be surprised how many people you know who are on anti depressants.

I was on venlafaxine for six months or so and wish I could go back and not do it. I essentially lost that time from my life then the withdrawal and recovery afterwards. I have big memory gaps, time just lost.