Do antidepressants help clear thinking or does it just dull strong thoughts/feeling - will I lose ME?

[RedorangeyellowBLACK]

I have had issues with my mental health for most of my life.

I am now 50 and when I say most of my life, it literally is. I have had anxiety, strange obsessional thoughts and processes, panic and fear of living since I was a small child in primary school. I recall nothing triggering this, I think it’s just my basic make up.

It has been a rollercoaster of an emotional journey over the last 50 years of my life.

I have tried everything (non-pharmaceutical) that I could physically afford. From endless CBT sessions, counselling, relaxation therapies, hypnotherapy, other talking therapies and weird whacky alternative stuff………….none have had lasting positive impacts on my MH because here I am still struggling (and not helped at all by the fact I am now in the throes of perimenopause).

One thing that I have never tried long term are antidepressants. That is simply because, and I’ll be frankly honest, I am absolutely terrified of them.

I am scared of ending up woolly headed, unable to think clearly, to have my senses, emotions and personality deadened and my brain and mind to be ‘taken over’ by pharmaceuticals (I know, even writing that down looks ridiculous but that is genuinely how my brain thinks).
I am also worried they will contribute long term to something terrible such as Alzheimer’s (my poor dm suffers and it’s hell).

Maybe they may deaden my senses and personality and I won’t know or care, maybe they will help turn down this internal dial I have on my mental and emotional health, the one that has been ramped up to overdrive since I was a small child and has left me in a state of permanent exhaustion.

I am scared (petrified) but nothing else has helped me. I just don’t want to carry on into my older years feeling this way anymore.

What will/could these meds do for me? Will I still be me? I don’t want to lose ME but to turn down everything else about me, if that makes any sense.

I had virtually no side effects on citalopram. Libido fine, not sleepy or fuzzy. Just slowly felt better.

I would love to know this! I always assume I'm the only person in my family on them.
Obviously I know my immediate family and whether they're on them or not, but I'd love to know the wider family because none of them know I take them.

I take mirtazapine.
OP I honestly wouldn't worry about losing you. That's not how they work IME - you are always you. Just a better version of you.
It really hit home with me when you said you have strange obsessional thoughts. I have these and I aways will, I know this now, but my ADs just allow me to push them away, they make me feel 'on top', like I can manage life better and I'm more resilient.
I think you would be very surprised how much better you felt taking ADs. Go for it - it's what they're there for

I find that Venlafaxine helps me think more clearly and I'm less forgetful.

@RedorangeyellowBLACK I've tried Prozac and more recently Sertraline, and both have significantly cleared my head - like switching on the lights in my brain where it was previously struggling along in a haze. Each time it has helped me to achieve things in my life that I don't think I would have achieved otherwise. So I prefer the 'me' on the tablets than the 'me' without, though I'm not quite sure which is the real me. 🙂

The chemical imbalance idea was debunked two decades ago

The AD I take, an old one called Seroxat, makes me feel normal, like I've found myself again and I can function effectively. I've been on it for years and have no plans to come off it. It took a few weeks to take effect but once it did it was like a miracle drug. It's not prescribed much as a first choice any more, but it's the one that works best for me.

Second this. I was on citalopram after DM died, I was alone with no support and work manager was being an arse. I wept all over the doctor's desk, told her I couldn't do this any more, and she put me on a low dose; which turned me from a person who went to bed at 7pm (because that was the only place I felt safe) and crying nearly non-stop to the functioning human being I'd been before who could cope better with her grief.

I was on it for about 18 months with regular checkins and was tapered off slowly. If I needed it again I wouldn't hesitate.

I have been on various ad's for years. Starting with prozac (fluoxitine), 26 years ago. Before that I had no idea about depression etc. I believe I have had mental health issues from childhood.
I am now on citalopram. All the tablets I have tried have started off well, but then have ceased to work.
When I'm not on anything I have a black cloud of doom following me everywhere, can't deal with people/shops at all.
When I'm on them, the black cloud goes away and the people/shop problems lessen but don't go away.
I am in my early 50's and have no idea who 'I' am, I don't think I ever really have. I do know that being colourful helps push back the doom.
I don't think I'll ever stop taking them in one form or another because I don't want to lose the 'me' that I have become.

I can only share my experience, not offer advice (and I think my story is very different to yours). I started taking AD after the death of a very loved family member. I couldn’t function, I was emotionally exhausted, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t rationalise my days, my feelings , my work. The AD bought me time, gave me a breathing space, time to grieve and come to terms with my loss (which happened under difficult circumstances). But I realised I had lost my ME, or had least it had been totally suppressed. It was great not to spend every day in floods of tears but then I was shocked/upset to realise that maybe I had become too desensitised, left unable to cry, left feeling like another person.
After nearly two years I have nearly (and slowly) come off them and am hoping that ME will reemerge. I absolutely think I needed some “space” but am hoping to find I am still ME. I have decided to have some kind of counselling if I do need some help and see where that takes me.
Really sorry if this has been too much of a ramble and I know it comes from a different starting point but your concern about losing your ME really chimed. I wish you so much success in finding a solution.

My dd has been in anti-depressants for anxiety for 3 years since she turned 18. Sertraline was awful and made her depressed, Prozac was ok but she’s now on citalopram and seems to be functioning ok. She is also starting to explore an adhd I diagnosis as there is definitely something of the neurodiverse about her.
edited to say she is definitely ‘her’ - got a v strong personality!!

@NameChangeNeededForThis Thank you very much for sharing. I can understand and relate to your experience 💐

@RedorangeyellowBLACK sorry for the late reply! They're capsules, 10mg, I had to ask specifically and the pharmacy had to order them in and it took a couple days, the dr initially said they only came starting at 20 but I was so worried about side effects I looked online and saw that wasn't the case and they double checked and realised they do come as 10...! I'm in the UK, don't know where you are. I was terrified of side effects which is why I wanted to start at 10, I had no side effects thankfully x

Normally gp’s give you a first line AD like
citalopram

I’ve suffered anxiety/depression episodes from
being in my early 20’s to now being 66 yrs old
I’ve started on citalopram stayed on that for years, up peeing in later years. Then I tried Escitalopram again for years upped to max dose

in early 50’s and onset of peri menopause I had a really bad time and anxiety was off the scale which lead to depression.
This time I was under mh team and they suggested I change again, like you even thou I’ve tried 2 by this time it was over 20+ years
and it brought all the anxiety of ad’s change and lots of over thinking because I felt so so bad at the time
Psych suggest Venlafaxine, because I was so poorly and thought I was loosing my mind
i accepted it.
Because of the type of person I am about
AD’s and the impact on my brain I was scared stiff now aged 53
It was not a good ride on them I mean months
upping every 6/8 weeks started at 37.5mg now on 225mg.
They haven’t helped my negative thoughts and I still have anxiety attacks and feel flat
The thing is I’ve now done a lot of research into Venlafaxine and how hard it is to get off 😡
The thought of that scares me to death, as I don’t think it’s done much for me .
my friend was on Ven, she felt much better and started decreasing, decreased down to very minimal dose just literally grams after about 3 months of nothing she had a breakdown and had of the start up side effects of starting it again.

If I was you(just my opinion)
I would try the hrt first before going down any AD route. As your in your 50’s your at the start of menopause and depleting hormones have a massive impact on mh issues

This is just MY opinion but wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right choice for you

Thanks everyone, I’m really encouraged by the positive accounts, I just need to pluck up the courage and actually try them now.

namechange003 I really wanted to start with a 10mg dose as I would prefer to go low and slow but my GP won’t prescribe them, she says the 10mg are way more expensive than the 20mg and she would be in trouble if she prescribed them to me!
I am also in the U.K.

I'd tried a few SSRIs and could never get past the initial extreme anxiety side effect they had on me. I would panic and flush them.

I'm glad I didn't know how horrendous venlafaxine was to come off of, so I just did it cold turkey from a high dose and rode it out. It was scary but I was a teenager, I think I would be more worried doing it now.

Maybe you could break the tablet in half OP, I’ve read some people doing that.

MovingAnxiety sadly the 20mg are capsules, gp said the 10mg were tablets but refused to prescribe them.

Early 50s here on 20 mg fluoxetine for anxiety - from the day after I started taking them, the anxious chatter in my head died down and the happier, more cheerier, more rational and confident me re-emerged. It's been an absolute game changer with no downsides at all.

IME, no, you won’t feel woolly-headed, etc. During the first week, you might feel a bit nauseous and sleepy for a couple of hours after taking one as your body adjusts to a new medication- but that happens with many medications, not just AD’s.
Personally, I found that taking them just before bed is the best time for me.

Anyway, I’m 49 and was diagnosed with GAD a few years ago. I’d been anxious to varying degrees for decades, but it got really bad then, panic attacks etc. I had some counseling and started on 20 mg of Escitalopram. All I can say is that after three weeks, the anxiety subsidized, I didn’t feel as panicked and jumpy anymore. I was actually MORE clear-headed without the anxiety, I could think rationally!

My doctor reduced me to a 10mg “maintenance dose” after a few months. I decided to come off them two years ago, but unfortunately, the anxiety started creeping back. So I’m on 10mg again and feel fine.

Honestly, OP, you may have to try a couple of types before you find one that works well for you (Sertraline did nothing for me) but once you find a good match, you’ll feel so much better. As I said, without the crippling anxiety, you think more clearly and logically.

At the very least, it’s worth a try. Good luck. 💐

i am on fluoxetine. Have tried a few antidepressants and this is the only one thats actually helped me without any side effects.
I think that sometimes drs prescribe them too quickly without discussing more naturAL remedies and talking therapies, but on the other hand, i think that there absolutely is a place for antidepressants. I actually feel like fluoxetine has brought "me" back, because i was all over the place with my emotions out of control.

@RedorangeyellowBLACK that's so frustrating... I wonder if you could speak with a different dr? These are mine for reference, 10mg capsules:

I completely lost 'me' when I was on Citalopram a few years ago. I had to come off them because they dulled my mind too much.

I'm on a low dose of Sertraline at the moment. I'm not sure if I've lost 'me' because I gave up work at around the same time and I don't need my sharp mind and wit quite as much. What I have noticed though is that they've turned me into a lazy sod. Instead of being on the go from 6.30am and feeling guilty if I don't keep that up at weekends and hols, I laze around in bed half the day, I really struggle to get the chores done, and things that really need doing get left until the last minute.

Have you considered hrt alongside meds? I’ve never felt so well, so emotionally stable on it. And comes with the added benefit of potentially of reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s.

Piffpaffpoff thank you, that is so good to know.

HamBone my consultant has prescribed Fluoxetine but has said I can try Escitalopram if they don’t agree with me, which is good to know.

Branleuse I agree, GPs do seem to hand them out like sweets? I have always been against taking them and I am someone who would much prefer to find an alternative way to feel better but the truth is that none of these things have helped and I think now is the time to at least give them a try (even though I am so scared to do it) and just hope and pray they will help 🤞

namechange003 I will definitely do that, I would much rather start on 10mg.

SoMuchSimpler I had a friend on Citalopram and when I met up with him a year later he was like a completely different person and not in a good way. He seemed devoid of any emotion, he was completely flat. Think it’s because of him, it had really put me off antidepressants up till now.

CrystalMaisie I have tried hrt but they really upset my chronic digestive issues to the point I had to stop. I want to try hrt again because my mum has Alzheimer’s, osteoporosis and heart disease, all the issues hrt is reported to help prevent. My consultant has suggested antidepressants first to get my anxiety and other mental health issues to a manageable level, which in turn, hopefully may settle my gut issues and then I can introduce hrt further down the line.

@RedorangeyellowBLACK if one didn’t agree with your digestion, a different type might be ok, if you want to try. If it was utrogestan, inserting it instead of swallowing bypasses the digestive tract and lots of women report it much better for those issues. Or the mirena coil. Good luck with it all.