If you're good at confrontation, please give me some tips!

[FortuneTella]

There's an issue at work. I would like to confront a colleague about it next week. I'd like to understand her actions and intentions. So far, she has been passive aggressive and I want to deal with it head on. I am being treated unfairly in this situation and it's clear as day.

However, I am extremely averse to confrontation. I fear that I will end up apologising and doing exactly the opposite of what I don't want to do. That is how bad I am! I also go into a panic attack or something with my hear racing a million miles per hour.

I need some tips to help me next week. I feel a bit bullied tbh and it's just making me feel really small but I really want to deal with it as if I don't they will just walk all over me.

Do you actually want to understand her actions or intentions or do you want her to stop doing something.

Any question starting “explain to me” or “Why” will get slapped down. Why - because I wanted to and feel perfectly entitled to do that.

Can you say a bit more about the situation so we can help formulate what you might say.

Do it on email.

Gives you a chance to think through how you say it, and edit it, and a record so she can’t deny you said anything or pretend you said something else. And it’s easier and less scary than face to face tbh.

Even if you decide to say it face to face in the end, writing it out will have helped you formulate your points, what order to say things in, what wording to use etc.

Be clear. Have evidence. Don’t ask questions you don’t know the answer to.

you want change not explanations .

when xyz happened, the actions were abc. Abc was intolerable and not in line with …job role/project expectations/managers requests/time lines (whatever). As a result this cannot happen going forward. We need to agree on ….
then seek agreement. If no agreement can be met-
it is very disappointing that an agreement can’t be met on how to move on from this. Consequently please expect…to happen/not happen.

take ALL the ego and emotions out and be really clear on what’s happened, the effect, how to change, agree. No agree then plan b.

After you have worked out what you want to say etc then practise it and a possible conversation with someone you live with or in the mirror several times. This will help the words come more naturally.

@TheresaOfAvila I guess I was thinking more along the lines of why are you doing this? This is really unfair. But as a pp pointed out they're probably say because I can and am entitled to it.

I’m sorry but someone who is prepared to do something nasty and unfair is not going to be rattled by you asking why are you doing this.

Better to say something along the lines of I’m not prepared to be treated this way, and if it carries on after today I’ll be reporting it.

Okay so forget asking the why questions.
Do I speak about how this is making me feel or is that a no go.
Do I just go straight into what I want. I am prepared to meet in the middle though.

Don't talk about how it's making you feel. They don't care. Keep it all as calm and free from emotions as possible. I would also make sure that if you do this face to face you have witnesses there too. A simple " you have done this...it is not acceptable ... It has to stop." Keep your voice low and speak slowly. Breathe and keep eye contact.

Decide exactly what you want to say beforehand

Be rational and measured but also firm. Don't become emotional or lose your temper whatever the other person says or does

Talk to your line manager and HR and log it all. And then ask for them to make it clear she’s being inappropriate. Use them as a mediator/authoritative force.

As others have said, keep your breaths regulated and voice low and slow. Don't ask questions that invite her opinions or justifications. State the facts "X has happened and it has caused Y" and then make sure that any follow up questions are positive and constructive and push her to come up with a solution- "how are we going to make sure this doesn't happen again?"

Stop thinking of it as a confrontation.

Start thinking of it as you being positive and assertive.

Do I just go straight into what I want. I am prepared to meet in the middle though

How do you meet in the middle if your issue is how they're behaving towards you? They can only bully you 50% of the time?

Impossible to give an opinion without more details because this comment makes it seem as though you have a difference of opinion about something rather than you being bullied.

You might want to read up on having difficult conversations successfully.

There's a script to use which a quick Google will find, but from memory it's based on an explanation from you about how you see the issue and the effect it has on you; then it's their turn to respond, then you agree next steps. So:

I want to talk to you about X and I'd really appreciate it if you could allow me to explain, and then tell me how you see it.

When X happens, it makes me feel Y. (No accusations, focus on how it affects you)

For example, (specific recent incident)

I would love it if Z happened instead, as then I would feel A. (Show how recent incident could have gone better)

But I'm aware this is from my perspective and I'd like to understand how you see it.

Then listen calmly to their side. They might be unaware of how it affects you, or respect you for bringing it up.

Then you might naturally be able to have a conversation about handling the situation better next time.

That's the goal anyway - I've used it and it's surprisingly helpful.

She's taken something from me without telling me and the meeting in the middle is you can use it on the days I'm WFH which is one per week.

Ask questions about her behaviour but be specific.

"Have I done anything to upset you ?

I can sense some tension, can I help you?.

You look rather stressed anything I can do?

Or

Take her to one side and say what the fuck is wrong with you. ....

is this something that belongs to you? Or a piece of office equipment that has been allocated specifically to you eg posture chair? Or is it just something you nabbed from the communal office supplies and she thinks it’s a communal office item so is also using it?

I don’t think it’s meeting in the middle to say she can use it when you’re wfh. That’s just obvious, it would be ridiculous to say she couldn’t use it even when you’re not there.

If it’s something that’s yours or allocated to you and she’s taken it then I don’t think there’s any subtle or emotional language required, it’s a case of “That’s mine, I need it back. If it keeps walking itself over to your desk I’m going to have to have a word with <manager>”

@minipie it's my desk! My actual workspace.

OK <cracks knuckles>. Wait for a quiet time with no one around. Have somewhere you can have a private chat lined up.

"I'd like to talk to you about using my desk. [BIG pause]. Do you have time right now or later?"

This give her the chance to a) give a response if she has one b) know what it is about c) think about a repost se if she needs to. When you have the conversation:

"I've noticed you're using my desk". [BIG pause}

This gives her the chance to say anything she wants. Also, once someone has had the chance to say their piece they are more likely to listen.

"When you use it I feel [insert emotion]". If you feel weird, sad, annoyed, discombobulated, say so. Not any PA 'emotions' that aren't, like 'disrespected'. That's just a sneaky you statement.

"Could you not use it? Thanks."

Give a clear ask, not maybe/perhaps/umm/I'd rather etc. Then she either has to refuse or come up with a compromise.

It's VERY few words if you look at it. Very little to think about. And less to mess up!

It is allocated to you specifically. Or is the office hotdesking and she happens to be in your preferred seat?

If the former, doesn't it have your personal effects, photos etc. How can she sit there if that is the case? She must have some brass neck if you are in the office that day to do that.

Hey Sandra, I’m going to have to ask you to stop using my desk, ok. Thanks.

If her stuff is on it, move it off (gently) and put it down somewhere else completely away from your space. ‘I’ll leave these there for you while you decide where else to put them/take them back to your own desk’.

No need to pussy foot about, telling her how you feel. She might not give a fuck about how you feel. She might even enjoy you being upset. Just say what needs to happen. Needs to be in a firm, but even and non-aggressive tone, with an air of non-expectancy of any push back.

To do this successfully you need a deep conviction that you are in the right and will NOT tolerate being walked over. And that you have as much right as everyone else to be respected.

I'm not big fan of "when you ... I feel" outside of personal relationships, because feelings aren't relevant to work or business situations. Nobody cares how you feel, least of all your bully.

I like @MrsTerryPratchett's simple statement "You're using my desk" and the BIG pause.

It's a good idea to say why this is a problem.
"It's my allocated workstation.
People expect to find me here;
All my stuff's at my desk;
I've set everything up the way I want it;
I expect to come to work, sit at my desk and start where I left off, not scrabble for a seat;
It's my published extension number;
It's been my desk for X years and I'm not moving."

Do listen to what she has to say. But don't back down. You can simply repeat "I want you to find another desk".

@FortuneTella, PLEASE do an assertiveness course. You may well find your employer will fund one. Meanwhile, here's the best assertiveness primer I've ever seen. https://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mb6music/A2998551

I like this matter-of-fact approach. If the desk is yours, just claim it back. Practice doing it with a smile but eyes as hard as glass.

Don't give her a choice. Or ask why she is doing it. She is parking on your lawn and now needs to get the f__ out.

Some great advice.

I would stick to facts. "I'm aware you are using my desk. I need it in xyz days so please make sure it's available. "

Say minimal and do a lot of staring and waiting for her explanation thus will put her on the wrong front. No apology no explanation from you. I'd give your line manager a heads up too so they know in advance and can support if needed.

A statement of fact is not confrontation. Is it your allocated desk? Then you speak to your and her manager if different people and say I don’t know what’s going on with her. Perhaps there’s been some issue with finding her a desk- that would be your job (to her manager) but I’m feeling very upset and targeted here and I am going to take my desk back. I would appreciate your support.
if they are pathetic cowards and say oh isn’t there somewhere else you can sit, you say I’m being bullied out of my own desk here and you are supporting the bully. There is no need to find me a desk, I have one. There is a need to support me to be able to sit at my desk. Are you coming with me or not?

then you go and you say this is my desk and I need it, you will have to find somewhere else. Excuse me, I have work to do.

ideally her manager would also come with you.