If you're good at confrontation, please give me some tips!

[FortuneTella]

There's an issue at work. I would like to confront a colleague about it next week. I'd like to understand her actions and intentions. So far, she has been passive aggressive and I want to deal with it head on. I am being treated unfairly in this situation and it's clear as day.

However, I am extremely averse to confrontation. I fear that I will end up apologising and doing exactly the opposite of what I don't want to do. That is how bad I am! I also go into a panic attack or something with my hear racing a million miles per hour.

I need some tips to help me next week. I feel a bit bullied tbh and it's just making me feel really small but I really want to deal with it as if I don't they will just walk all over me.

NOT in xyz days. ‘I need to use it for work now.’

Okay so the issue is her manager is okay about this. Also I haven't been spoken to about this. I just came to work to find her stuff moved into my desk and my stuff removed. I only have one folder on my desk! And my colleagues around me told me she's taken your desk. Not even an email. There are other desks in the office that aren't used. They have a load of crap on them which need clearing out and you'd need to reconnect your equipment and youd be good to go.
Mine was the same, not as bad as the others but I have cleaned it spotless and also have new equipment ordered to set up as my own.

I barely know this colleague as she has only come back a couple of months from sick leave. I also work at another office for one day a week where my manager is based and I also have a desk there.

I emailed my manager who said she will speak to her manager but not sure that will be any help as she supports her. We will both be in on Monday when I'd like to speak to her myself. I might find her sitting there when I come in.

I would arrive early into work one morning and move all her stuff to a different desk, then reset my own work space.

Let her raise the question of why you're at "her" desk. It brings the issue to a head and makes her justify why she took your space.

However, tbh, I'm not actually that bothered about where I work so would probably just set up a new workspace (but then I'm used to hotdesking).

If she's at your desk monday morning I would just say something like " morning, you're sitting at my desk could you move please"

Then if she refuses or tries to justify just keep repeating, this is my desk please move.

I wouldn't get into any explanations as to why it's your desk/why she has to move or how it makes you feel. If she refuses then escalate to management.

Be sure to get in early though so you can be seated at the desk before she turns up. Possession is nine tenths and all that. You'll look a bit foolish saying 'please move now' if she's sitting there and refuses to budge. If she is already seated by the time you come in, then ask if you can have a word in a separate meeting room/space

Are you certain it wasn’t her desk before she was on sick leave?

You need to get in much earlier than you normally would and be set up and sat at that desk when she arrives!

Treat it as a negotiation.

Go in knowing
(A) what outcome you want
(B) what is the minimum outcome acceptable
(C) what's the plan of action if they don't back down/agree

Then you will stay calm and objective

And of course, get in first and bag the desk

“It doesn’t work for me for you to take my desk”

No need for anything else. Surely?

I think the best approach is to go earlier on Monday. Moving someone physically is difficult so when she is at the desk it becomes a problem.
You didn’t answer how desk are allocated in your office. Also was it her desk before sick leave? How long was her sick leave? If she needs this desk as a reasonable adjustment (and this is possible) the manager should have talked to you obviously but as this didn’t happen it’s probably her doing.

Please don’t go into why and feelings conversations at all. You want you desk back as it’s your allocated workspace. Be polite and firm, you can do about feelings etc in an email ( preferably ) to your line manager but not to her.

Personally I'd go In early before she gets there, move her things just like your things were moved and then perch myself at the desk and wait. Let her choose if confronting is the right decision or not, and if she does then just tell her that it's your desk as you're sure she is aware seen as your things were on it before she/someone else removed them, but you'll be taking your desk back now unless there is a legitimate reason as to why she can't use another desk.
I can be quite petty in circumstances like this though 😅

Agree with getting in early to bag it. Ridiculously early. Just do it as a one-off.

However are you sure you know all the facts, and that it's a bullying thing?

Did she definitely know it was your desk?
Has she been told to sit there by someone else who thinks this has all been agreed?

Going in early and getting there first on Monday has the benefit of forcing her hand, because she either has to confront you - "excuse me, you're sitting in my desk?" which then draws out the truth of the matter (is this in fact one massive confusion) or if she slinks off to another spot without saying anything - STILL have the conversation otherwise she'll be the one getting in early tomorrow. "Sue I noticed you used my desk last week. I had to reconfigure my whole workstation this morning which was very inconvenient. Please don't use it again without asking me in advance."

Believe it or not. Yes this is my desk for the last 2 months. I've had it all okayed by my manager and have ordered new equipment for me. It's known this is now my desk. Her desk is somewhere else. People have moved about and she wants to move too but noone has touched her desk whilst off.

Last two months - so when she was off sick? So from her perspective her desk was given to someone else while she was on sick leave, and she’s just taking it back?

And your manager supports you, but hers supports her?

sounds a bit less clear cut tbh. I think this is going to require a manager to manager chat.

What’s your fear around taking your desk back/speaking to her?

Or was her desk moved before she went off sick?

Why has your office got unused desks full of crap?
Either the crap is needed and has to be put away or it is not needed and has to be disposed of. Why has you manager not sorted this issue?

If your office was organised, your current problem would not exist.

Noone has taken her desk. Her desk is as eas left when she was off.
Yes this office is an absolute shit tip - we work in a construction type place but large organisations. The desk that is mine was a dump desk which I asked to have and make use of. I have taken nooones desk. Her desk is still as she left it when she was off.

Rather than making it personal, can you approach management to ask for a clear policy on the desk situation. Do they want all desks cleared so that hot-desking can happen or do they want personalised work stations where people can lock away confidential material etc. Sounds like a good clear-out and a reset would be beneficial for everyone.

No. Her desk has not been given to anyone.

When you have to deal with a difficult conversation you simply stick to facts. Short and sweet. Be honest. Keep it simple. Say what you want to change. Ask if they have any questions.

Don't get into an argument or debate. Just close it with. Thank you. Food for thought

Presumably your colleague has a reason for moving, does not have to be a reason that you agree with.

Most people on here will probably be thinking you are fortunate to have more desks than workers. If your office was given a good sort and returned to full functionality, this would become an easy to resolve problem. As PP said, ask a manager to sort a desk policy and clear the crap.