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Original poster

Row with adult daughter and feeling really upset

44 replies

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:15

She lives here and can't realistic leave, she is training for her job for a further two years and not on a proper salary. I don't charge her any rent

She doesn't full fill her side of the bargain here at all. There are reasons for that, I am disabled, and was advised by my consultant last year to use a certain amount of housework every day as a way to keep active. So I did her share and my share, for last year, but this advice does not apply any more, but I am still doing it

She is supposed to clear up after herself and cook for me once a week - not happening. She has a car and drives us around, but tbh, I prefer to go by bus. I find myself compromising on this, and other things quite a lot

We fell out yesterday and have not spoken for 24 hours now. She was complaining I had said something that upset her, and maybe I had, but she started scolding me like a toddler, and that was just not on. It deteriorated from there.

I have been biting my tongue, I could say a lot of things there would be no coming back from, She thinks I am happy for her to be living in my house, for example. I'm ok with it, and try to make her feel welcome, but actually enjoyed my own space when she was at uni.

We've never fallen out before, but I have bitten my tongue a lot - maybe she has too, I have apologised for upsetting her, but she has not apologised for upsetting me

pointless thread, really.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2023 16:20

Sounds miserable 😕

I hope that it will blow over. But tbh I would also think about starting to set some ground rules. It does sound as if it would be infinitely better for your relationship if she moved out.

What training is it? Could she earn alongside it? Or is there another friend or relative she could stay with?

coldcallerbaiter · 05/11/2023 16:23

She should apologise too. It is your first row? wow you have done well, mum daughter rows are frequent and prolific growing up! It will blow over and then you can talk it over calmly.

Original poster
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:23

PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2023 16:20

Sounds miserable 😕

I hope that it will blow over. But tbh I would also think about starting to set some ground rules. It does sound as if it would be infinitely better for your relationship if she moved out.

What training is it? Could she earn alongside it? Or is there another friend or relative she could stay with?

thanks for your reply. Yes I certainly am feeling miserable today! Yes, I will have to reset the ground rules, I think

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 16:25

She was complaining I had said something that upset her, and maybe I ha

what did you say?

Original poster
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:29

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 16:25

She was complaining I had said something that upset her, and maybe I ha

what did you say?

It was just that I like travelling by bus, she likes to drive - we have said this to each other quite a lot but this time I was having lunch with a friend, and she came too, and on the way home started shouting at me for what I said. If she had just said quietly please don't say that in public, it upsets me, then I would just have said sorry, and not mentioned it again. It was the way she was talking to me that I can't accept.

She gets very worried about me travelling by bus due to being disabled and vulnerable - but I like it

OP posts:
Original poster
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:40

I really want her to make some effort to put things right. I've already said sorry, but now I think she needs to as well

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 05/11/2023 16:57

What age is she? It sounds a bit teenagerish from her, but to be honest me and my mother have regular arguments and I'm in my 30's - that's just how we are, we soon forget and move on. If this doesn't happen often you may be a bit shaken.

I think you should sit her down, when things are calm, and explain that you are ok with her living with you, and you want to treat her like an adult, but she needs to act like one also by cleaning up after herself and not scolding you.
She may have felt embarrassed by you saying you like to travel by bus, as she is supposed to drive you around, but she shouldn't have reacted like that.

She must realise how fortunate she is to not be paying any rent.

Farmageddon · 05/11/2023 16:58

Also, maybe you could have a rota or something for the housework. Tell her that she needs to step up more, or start paying some rent.

margotrose · 05/11/2023 17:01

The whole dynamic here sounds very strange, I have to say.

What is your relationship like normally?

OhComeOnFFS · 05/11/2023 17:02

I think you need a really grown up chat with her. Tell her you know she had a good time at uni and managed without you, but it was the same for you. You both got used to living independently. You're letting her live there without any contributions but she's behaving like a child, expecting you to do her household jobs. Not only that, she's behaving as though she's in charge of how you get about, when you've managed perfectly well on your own all of your adult life.

Jewelspun · 05/11/2023 17:05

If she is able bodied and working I can't see why she can't get a place of her own. You say she can't afford it but if she had to I'm sure she'd find a way.

You wouldn't tolerate bad behaviour from a partner sow why out up with it from her?

She could have had it easy not paying you any rent but has chosen to treat you like shit.

Show her the consequences of her bad behaviour by booting her out.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/11/2023 17:09

She sounds like she's trying to parent you at best and at worst control you
She needs to realise you are two adults who share a house as well as parent/ adult child and pull her weight
How old is she? She does sound immature

Odingodof · 05/11/2023 17:09

Op just to put the other side here you said she worries about you being disabled and vulnerable on the bus.

Have you ever managed to talk to her about your disabilities....

She maybe under enormous worry and strain about you, my dp became immobile etc in later life and that was a very hard toll to take even in my 40s.

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:13

It was just that I like travelling by bus, she likes to drive - we have said this to each other quite a lot but this time I was having lunch with a friend, and she came too, and on the way home started shouting at me for what I said.

There will be more to this than as you describe

unless her skin is so thin as to be transparent

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:14

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:40

I really want her to make some effort to put things right. I've already said sorry, but now I think she needs to as well

What effort have you made given We fell out yesterday and have not spoken for 24 hours now.

Mirabai · 05/11/2023 17:16

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 16:40

I really want her to make some effort to put things right. I've already said sorry, but now I think she needs to as well

Well she has no impetus to put anything right if you’ve already taken the blame and apologised.

If you want her to make an effort tell her you this set up isn’t working for you and it’s time she moved into a house share. That will focus her mind when she sees what she has to lose and result in better behaviour.

And if it doesn’t then she really does need to move out.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/11/2023 17:22

Her behaviour is typical of young carers actually and how they relate to their parents. It sounds like she has spent so much time and effort caring for you in the past and caring for herself and taking responsibility for things that she doesn't see you as an adult or parent.

She's not trying to be controlling. She probably feels stuck at your house and is probably worried about how you will cope if/when she moves out, which might make her resentful or feel like she can't really leave. Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways of getting her to do stuff for you but simultaneously wanting her to move out. When she leaves, you'll have to cook for yourself and do all of your housework.

You sound a bit childish and conflict avoidant, TBH. Have you always been like this? She will learn from how she sees you solving problems and communicating. And I don't think you are necessarily aware that she is probably biting her tongue a lot of the time as well.

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:22

I don’t understand how your apologised and taken the blame

but also not spoken ever since it happened

Loubelle70 · 05/11/2023 17:23

Tbh OP i Think your daughter wants you to be ferried about by her, even if you prefer public transport, so she can throw it in your face at some point. Eg: please clean your mess up?!!.
Oh , ive only been driving you about!!!.

See what i mean?. Youll be fine on p.transport so just do it..its good for your independence. Youre an adult tell her youll get the bus when you like, and she needs to clean her shit up

theduchessofspork · 05/11/2023 17:29

Sit her down in a day or two and say this isn’t working for you right now. She is welcome to stay till her training is compete but she needs to do X,Y, z or she needs to move out.

Travel by bus if you want, explain to her it’s good for you (it probably is)

theduchessofspork · 05/11/2023 17:37

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/11/2023 17:22

Her behaviour is typical of young carers actually and how they relate to their parents. It sounds like she has spent so much time and effort caring for you in the past and caring for herself and taking responsibility for things that she doesn't see you as an adult or parent.

She's not trying to be controlling. She probably feels stuck at your house and is probably worried about how you will cope if/when she moves out, which might make her resentful or feel like she can't really leave. Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways of getting her to do stuff for you but simultaneously wanting her to move out. When she leaves, you'll have to cook for yourself and do all of your housework.

You sound a bit childish and conflict avoidant, TBH. Have you always been like this? She will learn from how she sees you solving problems and communicating. And I don't think you are necessarily aware that she is probably biting her tongue a lot of the time as well.

Edited

@SisterMichaelsHabit you need to improve your reading skills.

The OP’s daughter moved out for university. There is no reason to think the daughter is or ever has been the OP’s carer, and neither is there any reason to think the OP’s daughter is worried about what will happen when she moves out.. given she’s left home before

The OP says she preferred it when the daughter lived away, and does most of the housework. She does not expect to be looked after.

The OP’s daughter’s behaviour is typical of many young adults living at home, actually.

I presume this is some massive projection on your part, but calling the OP childish is particularly bitchy. Sort your own issues out.

Doopydoo · 05/11/2023 17:44

I’m sorry but your daughter doesn’t sound like a nice person at all.
Definitely sort out the ground rules again. Don’t be soft.

Original poster
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 17:49

margotrose · 05/11/2023 17:01

The whole dynamic here sounds very strange, I have to say.

What is your relationship like normally?

it is normally fine

OP posts:
Original poster
Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 17:51

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/11/2023 17:09

She sounds like she's trying to parent you at best and at worst control you
She needs to realise you are two adults who share a house as well as parent/ adult child and pull her weight
How old is she? She does sound immature

she is 24, yes, you are right, she is trying to parent me, and I don't like it!

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:51

“Fine”

is not a great way for a mother to describe her relationship with her daughter

let alone an adult daughter that she lives with

just the two of you