Page 2 | Row with adult daughter and feeling really upset

Reddishraddish · 2023-11-05T16:15:33+00:00

She lives here and can't realistic leave, she is training for her job for a further two years and not on a proper salary. I don't charge her any rent She doesn't full fill her side of the bargain here at all. There are reasons for that, I am disabled, and was advised by my consultant last year to use a certain amount of housework every day as a way to keep active. So I did her share and my share, for last year, but this advice does not apply any more, but I am still doing it She is supposed to clear up after herself and cook for me once a week - not happening. She has a car and drives us around, but tbh, I prefer to go by bus. I find myself compromising on this, and other things quite a lot We fell out yesterday and have not spoken for 24 hours now. She was complaining I had said something that upset her, and maybe I had, but she started scolding me like a toddler, and that was just not on. It deteriorated from there. I have been biting my tongue, I could say a lot of things there would be no coming back from, She thinks I am happy for her to be living in my house, for example. I'm ok with it, and try to make her feel welcome, but actually enjoyed my own space when she was at uni. We've never fallen out before, but I have bitten my tongue a lot - maybe she has too, I have apologised for upsetting her, but she has not apologised for upsetting me pointless thread, really.

Canisaysomething · 05/11/2023 18:07

We've never fallen out before

This is the most shocking thing.

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 18:16

Canisaysomething · 05/11/2023 18:07

We've never fallen out before

This is the most shocking thing.

And one I don’t believe

they get on “fine”

if they’d literally never fallen out before, you would not describe the relationship as “normally fine”

Sethos · 05/11/2023 18:24

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:51

“Fine”

is not a great way for a mother to describe her relationship with her daughter

let alone an adult daughter that she lives with

just the two of you

What on earth are you on about? It’s an entirely appropriate answer to the question within this context.

Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 18:32

Flipdiddle · 05/11/2023 17:14

What effort have you made given We fell out yesterday and have not spoken for 24 hours now.

Show quote history

well, I texted to say sorry I have upset you, but please don't speak to me like that again

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Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 18:35

Odingodof · 05/11/2023 17:09

Op just to put the other side here you said she worries about you being disabled and vulnerable on the bus.

Have you ever managed to talk to her about your disabilities....

She maybe under enormous worry and strain about you, my dp became immobile etc in later life and that was a very hard toll to take even in my 40s.

she is always worrying I might fall, but to me, falling is a risk I live with, and if I fall over, I then cope with the situation, and any injuries that might result. I have an actual fall no more than once or twice a year - and get injured probably half that time, not always a serious injury like a break, sometimes jsut a sprain that improves in a week or two

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Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 18:38

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/11/2023 17:22

Her behaviour is typical of young carers actually and how they relate to their parents. It sounds like she has spent so much time and effort caring for you in the past and caring for herself and taking responsibility for things that she doesn't see you as an adult or parent.

She's not trying to be controlling. She probably feels stuck at your house and is probably worried about how you will cope if/when she moves out, which might make her resentful or feel like she can't really leave. Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways of getting her to do stuff for you but simultaneously wanting her to move out. When she leaves, you'll have to cook for yourself and do all of your housework.

You sound a bit childish and conflict avoidant, TBH. Have you always been like this? She will learn from how she sees you solving problems and communicating. And I don't think you are necessarily aware that she is probably biting her tongue a lot of the time as well.

Edited

I am quite capable of cooking for myself, and doing all my housework!

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Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 18:40

Jewelspun · 05/11/2023 17:05

If she is able bodied and working I can't see why she can't get a place of her own. You say she can't afford it but if she had to I'm sure she'd find a way.

You wouldn't tolerate bad behaviour from a partner sow why out up with it from her?

She could have had it easy not paying you any rent but has chosen to treat you like shit.

Show her the consequences of her bad behaviour by booting her out.

Because she is in training, and not on a full wage, that is why she can't afford to move out - and I agreed to her staying here before she started the training, so I am not going to ask her to leave until she has finished. She is trying to improve her career chances, I am all in favour of that! She has a good maths degree, but needs further career orientated qualifications

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Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 18:43

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/11/2023 17:22

Her behaviour is typical of young carers actually and how they relate to their parents. It sounds like she has spent so much time and effort caring for you in the past and caring for herself and taking responsibility for things that she doesn't see you as an adult or parent.

She's not trying to be controlling. She probably feels stuck at your house and is probably worried about how you will cope if/when she moves out, which might make her resentful or feel like she can't really leave. Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways of getting her to do stuff for you but simultaneously wanting her to move out. When she leaves, you'll have to cook for yourself and do all of your housework.

You sound a bit childish and conflict avoidant, TBH. Have you always been like this? She will learn from how she sees you solving problems and communicating. And I don't think you are necessarily aware that she is probably biting her tongue a lot of the time as well.

Edited

this is quite a helpful post

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Renamed · 05/11/2023 18:46

I think there’s a lot of weird nastiness on Chat tonight. OP if you want to get posters to see your point of view, try feeding your daughter on marshmallows. Everyone will then realise that she is very ungrateful.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 05/11/2023 19:00

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/11/2023 17:22

Her behaviour is typical of young carers actually and how they relate to their parents. It sounds like she has spent so much time and effort caring for you in the past and caring for herself and taking responsibility for things that she doesn't see you as an adult or parent.

She's not trying to be controlling. She probably feels stuck at your house and is probably worried about how you will cope if/when she moves out, which might make her resentful or feel like she can't really leave. Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways of getting her to do stuff for you but simultaneously wanting her to move out. When she leaves, you'll have to cook for yourself and do all of your housework.

You sound a bit childish and conflict avoidant, TBH. Have you always been like this? She will learn from how she sees you solving problems and communicating. And I don't think you are necessarily aware that she is probably biting her tongue a lot of the time as well.

Edited

Where did the OP say she needs to be cared for? She is doing her DD a favour by letting her live with her rent free, surely it's not too much to expect her to do some housework and cook a meal in return? They aren't living together so DD can care for her, and OP has stated she is looking forward to living alone again.

Princessfluffy · 05/11/2023 19:07

Maybe ask to have an open and honest chat about how you both would like things to work whilst you are living together.

madroid · 05/11/2023 19:09

Try not to worry OP, I'm sure you'll sort it in a few days time.

Have that honest chat soon. Make a proper time for it. In the meantime do your normal activities and show that you're fine thank you very much without your dd directing your life!

Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 19:35

She has come and said sorry and given me a hug now, so I am feeling much better. Yes we will have a talk about house rules and my independence in the coming days

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Original poster

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 20:53

well, she was obviously genuinely sorry, as she has cooked me a meal and cleaned the kitchen. She did say she worries a lot about me. I have let her put tracking on my phone so I can go around by bus and she can see where I am

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Renamed · 05/11/2023 21:32

That’s a lovely update. So glad for you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/11/2023 22:30

I'm glad you've sorted things out
FWIW I'm disabled and live alone and my adult sons can track me to see I'm ok( not in a stalking way, in case I fall)

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/11/2023 22:44

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 20:53

well, she was obviously genuinely sorry, as she has cooked me a meal and cleaned the kitchen. She did say she worries a lot about me. I have let her put tracking on my phone so I can go around by bus and she can see where I am

That's probably a good idea if it's something that has been worrying her. She might feel calmer if you were to go and visit a friend on the bus and you get to spend sone time away from one another.

Jewelspun · 05/11/2023 22:48

24?

She really does need to move out! Even if you got on like a house in fire she is going to feel frustrated at still living at home at 24!

Flipdiddle · 06/11/2023 06:24

so is the point of the op about the argument over lunch OR fact that she does bugger all around the house

if the former - you have both apologised and now sorted

if the latter - well, nothing seems to have been addressed and so nothing will change