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Original poster

ADHD and homework hell- has anything worked for you?

32 replies

ChienneDesFromages · 05/11/2023 12:16

DS11 has just moved to Year Seven. He has ADHD and dyspraxia, has an EHCP and has just moved to a very small, independent secondary school. The move has gone much better than we hoped, socially and academically, but he’s really, really struggling to engage with homework.

DH is, with the patience of a saint, working through the two pieces needed this weekend. I can hear the usual drama, excuses and fury as DH cajoles, and produces various carrots and (not literal) sticks. The homework is not hard, it’s more than within his abilities and he could do it in ten minutes if he focused. He chooses not to take medication at weekends, which really doesn’t help but I don’t ever want him to feel forced to take it, we are clear that it’s always his choice.

He is so far from being able to motivate himself or work through the tasks independently, it feels impossible to know how to help him. After school is even worse as he’s exhausted.

Just to preempt any helpful ‘just make him do it’ suggestions, I currently have two teenage daughters upstairs diligently doing their classics/ maths homework- we really aren’t soft or crappy parents. A child with SEN is a completely different experience, but he has many strengths and we will do all we can to make school work for him.

If anything, big or small has helped, please share. We will try anything!

OP posts:
indianwoman · 05/11/2023 15:23

I can't help as my child is exactly the same. Year 8, occasionally takes his medication, and occasionally I bribe him to take it.
I don't know what the answer is.

Lifechoicesinhindsight · 05/11/2023 15:38

Two dc with asd (so not same but have issues). So can definitely understand your stress.
Dc1 found that they could only do homework at school so went to homework club/library or senco hub. This however caused difficulties during lockdowns and school holidays.
Dc2 has a comfortable bedroom with desk etc but prefers to move round the house (on the stairs, in the hall or in the lounge) and does it in short bursts with me prompting after a break to get back to it.
For us it has been trial and error and asking dc how they felt afterwards to see if we could narrow down what helped and what didn't. Also spoke to senco who gave pointers to us and dc.
Dc2 has headphones on and plays a specific playlist, dc1 can't cope with music (or any noise), they're all different. In your favour is you have a few years before gcse to work on this (which also means stressful situations). I also think I'm more relaxed about homework with dc2 and think the consequences of the stress caused to all shouldn't outweigh the benefits of getting homework completed.

ShutTheDoorBabe · 05/11/2023 15:47

I do some of it with him, get him to do it as soon as he gets in from school if I'm home (I work and don't come in until 4 usually) and stand up for him at school when they tell us he hasn't done enough. They have made some adjustments due to his ADHD, which is good, and I try my best. The moment it turns into a battle, we stop, get some food, he has a rest and we try again.

Interested in this thread?

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11 year olds Families General education Secondary education
illbeinthegarden · 05/11/2023 15:49

My ds has autism and never did any homework, he really needs home to be home and not bring school home. He occasionally would stay after school to finish work but often it just wasn't done.

His school did have a policy of not punishing students for not doing it though so was easier to opt out. Also removed all my power of 'you'll get in bother if you don't do it' etc which didn't help in the early days when I was trying to get him onboard with it.

Original poster
ChienneDesFromages · 05/11/2023 15:53

Thank you. There are some helpful ideas here.

When DS is in the right frame of mind, is relaxed and feels confident, he can do brilliant work (his creative writing is great.)
I’m increasingly of the view that if it’s a battle, it’s probably not worth it. But I do worry that he’s not developing the study skills he needs for revision etc. (he already flunked a science assessment as he refused to look back over the work with me.)
He is currently very anti-homework club, but I’m going to broach this again, and see if the school can support this. He is a very, very different child at school, masks massively, but that’s part of the reason he’s so burnt out and can’t focus when he’s home.

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 05/11/2023 15:54

Year 10 DS and brilliant lad but always in detention for lack of homework, he's also adhd, dspraxic, has touretts and autism. He's not medicated as medication can make his autism and or touretts worse. He's a popular lad and just terrible at organising things. We have a meeting next week. Academically He's not struggling. Good luck

caringcarer · 05/11/2023 16:00

When my teen had ADHD he wasn't allowed online until I saw his homework had been completed to a good standard. He complained, shouted and got angry but I never once gave in. He passed his exams and now has a job. It would have been so much easier for me to have given in and let him game.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/11/2023 16:01

Awesome effort for trying.
Honestly, I've given up. I'm tired of trying to get her to do it. The fact is she cant self motivate. She can only do the homework on the bus on the way to school, as her brain somehow won't 'allow' her to do it till the last second, when the pressure is on.
Given the point of homework is to learn to self discipline, if someone can't self discipline, then there's no point sitting with them to do it. Yes I accept that's a lazy way out. But you aren't achieving homework's point. If he can do the work, as you say, then he can do it. There is no value on your patient dh sitting with him to do it, he hasn't learnt anything. He hasn't learnt how to self motivate, he could already do it anyway. So, what's the point? Or is that really bad??

arethereanyleftatall · 05/11/2023 16:02

Whoops given the message just above mine 😂😂 I would say that dd is on for all 9s in 10 GCSEs so perhaps there is less need to force her. She's doing fine her own way.

yoshiblue · 05/11/2023 16:04

My ADHD son is a couple of years younger and we've experimented with no medication for weekends. It makes homework a complete nightmare TBH.

If he really doesn't want to take medication on the weekend, can he target doing all homework in the week?

It is noble that you want to give him so much control over his medication, but I'd also look a couple of years ahead. With increasing workload he's likely going to have to take it to get through GCSE years.

InattentiveADHD · 05/11/2023 16:05

My Autistic and ADHD DS couldn't cope with homework. Either doing it not in school time, or in organising it. His school arranged sessions in school with a TA who helped him organise what he needed to do and complete his homework in school time. Worked really well and it was continued right the way to year 11. He dropped one of his options to accommodate it (albeit he made up this missed GSCE by doing Triple Science but he didn't have to do that).

Deadringer · 05/11/2023 16:06

My dd is exactly the same! We did the gently reminding, cajoling, bribing, being tough, different things worked on different days tbh. The good news is that my dd is a year ahead of your ds and she is so much better this year. Not much help but there is (hopefully) light at the end of the tunnel.

Helenahandkart · 05/11/2023 16:06

I’m not sure he’ll ever learn to self-motivate. My ADHD husband, to this day, can only ‘do his homework on the bus’. He performs really well at work, but anything in his own time is always, always last minute and stressful.

Pushmepullyou · 05/11/2023 16:10

DS (year 8, ADHD) and I do all computer based homework in my bed on the laptop. Quite often I’ll read the questions and put the answers in but he tells me what to put. We have dim lights and a no shouting rule - for both of us!

it is still a challenge but much easier for both of us than sitting at the kitchen table in the bright and the noise

Legendairy · 05/11/2023 16:12

DS has autism and ADHD, the only thing that worked for us was medication. Homework was reformed almost overnight!!

Legendairy · 05/11/2023 16:13

Just to add its still a struggle as he doesn't really understand why you do school work at home, school is for doing work, home isn't but we don't have meltdowns because of it. He is doing GCSEs this year, the consultant said its a really common thought process for ND children.

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 05/11/2023 16:15

Can he sit in a chair for 10minutes? (Not being sarcastic, genuine question).
If the homework is within his abilities and should take 10minutes a day, could you try dedicating 10 minutes of your patient DH’s and son’s time and no more? So for 10 minutes, maybe after breakfast but before any fun activities can be done. Homework comes out. DH check it’s the right page/activity. Timer goes on. After 10 minutes timer goes off even if the homework isn’t done and the day starts.
If your son doesn’t think he can do it - put the ten minute timer on while he’s eating breakfast or playing a video game so he can feel how short a time it is.
Worth a try maybe? If it doesn’t work you’ve all lost 15minutes so pretty low stakes.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/11/2023 16:20

Is the homework essential? I doubt it.

l taught secondary for 27 years. I’m opposed to honework under year 9. We just used to have to give honework to appease the homework Gods. I’m not sure they learn anything over and above from the honework they did.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/11/2023 16:21

There is no answer !
its hard

other than stay calm and let him handle the consequences of not doing it

SeaToSki · 05/11/2023 16:21

Some options to try

as soon as he gets home from school try lots of mindless physical activity with shouting if possible. My ds used to run up the stairs shout 1 up and then run down and shout 1 down, up and shout 1,2 up etc……then try to sit down and do homework

when you sit down to do it, its a challenge..how many pages can you do in 5 mins, and have big timer. After the 5 mins its a 10 min break (doing something else but nothing he loves as then its difficult to break away) then another 5 mins

try playing music loudly while he works, my go to is classical as any words distract me, my ds is EDM. It uses up some of the brain capacity and helps allow the rest to stay on task

ask the doctor for a short acting (2hr) dose of his meds to be used once at the weekend for homework

try giving him a cola 10 mins before he has to start homework…its a stimulant and can sometimes help enough

bit above all else, sit down and have an honnest chat with him, ask him how he feels about homework, if he has any ideas about how to make it easier and quicker to get through it. Write down everyone’s ideas and each morning at breakfast let him decide which one to try that night/weekend. You are right, he does need to develop the study skills to survive in this education system, but the first step in doing that is him knowing what works for himself. And also, dont expect to find that if something works for a bit, you jave cracked it for life. Keep the lists of ideas as you might need to circle back as he grows and develops mentally.

cheezncrackers · 05/11/2023 16:24

I have a DC who's very similar to yours OP - same age, ADHD + dyslexia, finds homework really hard to do on his own. We allow him to do it in short bursts with help from us where needed. School are aware that he finds homework hard, but it is very gradually getting easier as he gets older. Mine also doesn't want to take his meds at the weekend, although I got some 4-hour ones specially so he can (his usual ones are 12-hour). We also have a NT DC who's completely different. You just have to parent them as they needed to be parented and with ND DC you tailor-make your approach to your DC and their NDs.

Original poster
ChienneDesFromages · 05/11/2023 16:38

Thanks for all these ideas. It’s so helpful to know what has worked for others.

It’s so hard to know how to address it (what works for child A is completely the opposite of what child B needs.)

At the moment I’m not convinced homework is helping him at all, just creating friction, although it does mean he’s unprepared for some lessons (and tests) which isn’t great.

When we talk with him about it, he either shuts down the conversation or promises to try a new strategy which he can’t then implement in practice (even with help.)

It’s so hard! The ideas are much appreciated.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 05/11/2023 16:43

InattentiveADHD · 05/11/2023 16:05

My Autistic and ADHD DS couldn't cope with homework. Either doing it not in school time, or in organising it. His school arranged sessions in school with a TA who helped him organise what he needed to do and complete his homework in school time. Worked really well and it was continued right the way to year 11. He dropped one of his options to accommodate it (albeit he made up this missed GSCE by doing Triple Science but he didn't have to do that).

I think this is going to be your best bet OP

If possible I think weekends and evenings need to be homework free for the next couple years so he can decompress from school.

At 13 he’ll have a bit more stamina and you can build it up.

reluctantbrit · 05/11/2023 16:43

High functioning ASD with ADHD. We found having a strict routine works the best, timetable for homework during the week, taking her hobbies into account. Weekends are ideally for total relaxation, she masks a lot and needs the days to not think about school at all. 8 out of 10 weeks it works.

We had periods where we would do them verbally with her and we would type her answers, no changes, purely typing what DD dictated.
We also had some issues that she just didn't understand the question and we needed to sort out that first before even starting the work.

Definitely speak to the school and arrange a homework plan.

Bit by bit DD managed more and more on her own. By the time GCSE revisions came along she was definitely ready but had her very own style of revision techniques. It worked for her.
She is now in 6th form and has quite some homework at the weekends but it helps that she loves her subjects. Y7 physics was a very different issue.

youngones1 · 05/11/2023 16:46

I think people underestimate how debilitating ADHD can be.