Emotionally unavailable mothers - can you ever accept it?

[Motherlessagain]

I’m constantly grieving the fact that my mother is and always has been emotionally unavailable. As a child there was never any physical love or affection, in fact she recently told me that I “hated cuddles” which is not true at all she just never cuddled me!

I remember being about 10 or 11 sitting in my room crying over some maths homework and knowing there was no one I could ask for help or advice or to just talk it through with even though my mother was right next door.

She made sure I was fed and clothed but that was it. Now I’m older and have children of my own I just can’t get over how terrible a mother she was. Always bringing strange men home, going out at night and leaving me alone, once talking about pretending the baby she was pregnant with was mine (I was 13 😮) luckily she had a termination.

I see her maybe once a week and it’s so unsatisfying. I am going through some stressful stuff right now and just wanted to talk about it. As soon as I tried she shut me down telling me her life was more stressful. She’s always been like this. When I was exhausted from no sleep with a sick child I. Intensive care apparently she was more tired than me.

I’m so desperately sad I haven’t got the mother I deserved. I see my friends with their loving and supportive mothers and I’m stuck with her. It’s so unfair and I can’t seem to get over the unfairness.

WOW I couldn’t have said it better myself. 🥲

Do you ever accept it? In my case (sadly) the answer is no. But you do develop strategies to cope with it. In my case by going very LC.

I always felt my mother was emotionally unavailable growing up and she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad.

When he died (I was 36 at the time) and I cried I was told to stop crying as he was her husband.

When I got a call from her at work in a Monday morning that the hospital couldn’t do any more for him (I was 250 miles away at the time). She coldly told me that he was about to die then put the phone down on me and wouldn’t answer the phone when I called back.

I suffered a stroke in my early 40’s (after a skiing accident in France) and was rushed into hospital. She couldn’t visit as she had badminton on a Monday. I spent 4 weeks in a French hospital on my own. I couldn’t walk.

When I announced I had got engaged - she took absolutely no interest.

When I got married. She took no interest in the wedding, didn’t ask any questions. I eloped (she knew the day we were getting married). No call from her on the day of the wedding, absolutely nothing. A week later she sent me a cheque - her way of making herself feel better for her shitty behaviour.

She had a rough childhood herself from an emotionally unavailable mother. Hasn’t done anything to break the cycle and you can’t discuss anything with her as if you dare to have a different opinion it results in her getting angry and shouting. She was quite rough with us as kids - we’d be smacked across the face or hit with a slipper. Apparently we deserved it.

Years ago - after some of the incidents above the penny dropped & I realised we could never have the mother / daughter relationship I had always dreamed off. That’s when I went LC for my own mental health. As far as my mother is concerned I’m a terrible daughter as I never phone her. The relief is immense on my part.

I've found this thread very helpful to read, thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

For me, I've had a lot a therapy and have also spent a lot of time talking to my Dsis about our upbringing. I was parentified and basically raised my sister due to both parents, but especially my mum, being completely absent for most of my childhood. Everything was financially provided for, but they were completely absent in any emotional and physical sense.

Like PPs have said, I've dealt with it by understanding that my DM had her own trauma and honestly did the best she could for us. She 'half' broke the cycle by ensuring that we were provided for financially, and we wanted for nothing. She was unable to do more emotionally because she is so broken herself. She is far more involved as a grandmother than she ever was to me and my sis, but I've accepted that my DC benefit from that, even if it's hard to accept.

I've also tried to look at the positive side of it, like how I'm very independent and proactive in my life, due to the fact that I had to do everything on my own from a very young age. I try and be thankful for that, as it's put me at a big advantage in my career and life, even if emotionally it's been hard.

My Dsis has struggled a lot more with our relationship with our DM, possibly because she is much younger than me.

It’s very interesting people have mentioned being independent due to an emotionally absent mother. I left home at 18 , but was incredibly shy , and jumped into a disastrous relationship because I wanted to feel cared for . I feel I am probably in a co dependant relationship now.

Yes @Toomanysquishmallows i would say that my upbringing made me very codependent too. I am lucky though eventually I got out of the shitty relationships and ended up with a good husband but I have spent the guts of the last decade peeling away that codependency.

I can see various levels of that codependency in my siblings even ones who are extremely independent in every other aspect of their lives. They are still very beholden to our parents.

One of my brothers became genuinely very independent though, he is neither emotionally nor practically dependent on our parents and he hasn’t been in his adult life.

I left home at 18 , but was incredibly shy , and jumped into a disastrous relationship because I wanted to feel cared for

Pretty sure that was the impulse behind getting married. 'Oh wow, someone who cares for me and wants my company and actually talks to me!'

Ha bloody ha.

My mother had an appalling childhood. She still tells the same sorry stories over and over again. But they're now embellished and she misses out any part she's played in continuing the cycle of abuse.

She had affairs throughout my childhood. She poured her heart and soul into every affair and brazenly included me in her secrets. She'd pick fights with my dad to justify her actions. She'd be screaming her head off downstairs while me and my siblings sobbed upstairs. She finally met 'the love of her life' when I was 16 and we all breathed a sigh of relief when she finally ran off and left us. She moved over 2 hours away so we never really saw her much after that.

Despite all this I thought I'd had a good childhood. I didn't realise this wasn't how it was meant to be. She told me she loved me but I hadn't realised she was meant to show me she loved me.

Looking around me I was astounded at the relationships other people had with their mums. They talked to each other. Hugged. Laughed. Took and gave advice and support. Mind blowing. And the way people talk about their mums on MN just fills me with envy, surprise and shock.

I have my own DD now. We have a very different relationship to the one I had with my mum. It's not perfect but there's lots of love shown. She didn't like her grandmother. She rarely sees her anyway. My mum has never babysat or done any of the things that grandma's do. Fine with me. I hope I've done enough to break the cycle.

Thinking about this over the last few months I've come to the conclusion that the relationship my mother really wanted after DF died was with her mother - we lived with DGPs and GM did childcare and housekeeping while DM went out to work. She was the adult DM could talk to and rely on while we were bereft children. GM was the extrovert in a family of introverts and at some level I think DM was afraid if she didn't toe the line GM would tell us to leave (unlikely, because a) their house was too big for a retired couple and b) she'd be alone with DGF). GM was demanding of DM's company and she harldly had any times to herself. Gradually we got - not frozen out but pushed aside because that was her primary relationship. After all, we had got over DF's death, hadn't we? 🙄

Not just my opinion - DB's kindest description of GM is 'toxic witch.' I know she didn't like me, because I heard her admitting it. Who knows why an adult takes against a child right from the start....

Unpacking such a lot lately and it's painful.

Reported as not genuine poster.