Emotionally unavailable mothers - can you ever accept it?

[Motherlessagain]

I’m constantly grieving the fact that my mother is and always has been emotionally unavailable. As a child there was never any physical love or affection, in fact she recently told me that I “hated cuddles” which is not true at all she just never cuddled me!

I remember being about 10 or 11 sitting in my room crying over some maths homework and knowing there was no one I could ask for help or advice or to just talk it through with even though my mother was right next door.

She made sure I was fed and clothed but that was it. Now I’m older and have children of my own I just can’t get over how terrible a mother she was. Always bringing strange men home, going out at night and leaving me alone, once talking about pretending the baby she was pregnant with was mine (I was 13 😮) luckily she had a termination.

I see her maybe once a week and it’s so unsatisfying. I am going through some stressful stuff right now and just wanted to talk about it. As soon as I tried she shut me down telling me her life was more stressful. She’s always been like this. When I was exhausted from no sleep with a sick child I. Intensive care apparently she was more tired than me.

I’m so desperately sad I haven’t got the mother I deserved. I see my friends with their loving and supportive mothers and I’m stuck with her. It’s so unfair and I can’t seem to get over the unfairness.

But of course, @Motherlessagain your brother is the boy child. I have nothing to add to the many insightful comments on this thread but to say that my mother was also emotionally unavailable, but she was the better out of my parents.

Thank you for starting this thread. I have an emotionally unavailable mother, who I have gone NC with. She has a particularly virulent strain of narcissism. I’ve spent a long time trying to reason it, but I can’t. I haven’t been mothered, and I don’t know what that feels like, but I’m always moved when I see mothers and daughters out doing nice things and interacting with love and care.

barbarahunter I had never even thought it was because he’s a male! But maybe this is why! Any small thing happens in his life like someone stole his bin he’s on the phone to my mum and she’s running around after him buying a new bin etc

I almost died giving birth and she turned up at the hospital unable to even look at me because she was embarrassed by blood stained sheets and me having a catheter. She started talking about what’s on TV, so completely unable to even say “are you ok? I’m so sorry this happened to you” it makes me SO angry!

No its called self preservation and protecting your children from emotionally damaging relatives. I was stopping the cycle now. My kids and grandkids deserve better. I treat my kids and grandkids completely opposite of how i was raised. They are lovely kind loving adults and kids. My job done!. My mother damages everything and i couldn't inflict her on my immediate family anymore. Sge damaged me. I tried many times to reach out, talk with her, to no avail..she slipped back into the narcissist, unloving, selfish, attention seeking person ive ever met. I am NC.

My grandmother was an awful parent and I guess this is where my mother learnt it. However I broke the cycle with my own kids so why couldn’t my mother with me

Oh OP, this is a very recent expectation in parenting.

that.

I had similar experiences to you, and I'm only realising now that unfortunately some of strategies I learned from my parents and then used with 21 year old DS weren't great.
I'm not beating myself up about it though.

You need to find a way to feel proud of breaking the cycle and having the insight to do this, as I don't think most people would or can.

My mother was the same. But she was cruel as well as emotionally unavailable and cold. She also told me I hated being cuddled, when it’s the thing I like most in the world. I’ve never been hugged by my mother and never had a positive word said about me. Even when I was seriously ill. She was able to be a better mum (though still not good) to my younger sibling which was a further twist of the knife.
I couldn’t accept it and have been NC a very long time. It’s hard to be a daughter to someone who is not a mother towards you. NC doesn’t undo the damage done to you, but it prevents further pain.

Because she couldn't! Look at your mom age group. I was born at the end of the boomer age. I'm not making excuses.

We were born into a major generation of change and the most fcuked up generation ever.

I've done a lot of study into this as well as various therapies.

My childhood was incredibly dysfunctional, though I was bought up in what they now call affluent abuse /neglect.

I changed a certain amount of stuff. Some I didn't as I married a man like my father.

I did break the chain and leave with my children eventually. I've built a good, happy life since. Also happily remarried.

My adult youngsters are all happy, have good jobs, and have happy marriages with children.

I've had 23 years of intermediate various therapies.

What I've learnt is to accept my parents as they were. I can't change them or the past.

I've learnt to put my boundaries into place and accept them and not put expectations over my Serenity. An ongoing process.

My mom was the opposite, though, and we had an unhealthily co-dependent relationship. My father was emotionally unavailable.

It sounds to me as if you need some specialised counselling 1-1 in family of origin work, which is what I had

Yes! My mother idolizes men and boys but hates women and girls. Jealousy. Shes always sought attention from men, always had to be the one. Even flirted with her grandchilds boyfriend, sexually inappropriate words behaviour. Jealousy towards women

I second the fact you are having way too much contact. This will be hurting you every time you see her, the emptiness it brings is awful.

Perhaps reduce visits to once a month - short visit and then once or twice a year if you still want some contact, but not enough to damage your well being. Try it out as an experiment and see how you feel. No need to discuss it with her, just say you are busy.

There is no ‘getting over’ the loss of love and connection that you should have had with your mother, just acceptance that for whatever reason she can not mother you or love you in a way that supports your well being/development or life.

Getting therapy will really help you talk it through.

My mother was never there for me either, she is a covert narcissist and I have accepted she will never change.

I'm pretty sure DM had narc traits as well as an attitude that the world was out to get her, which didn't help.

I don't know why my mother bothered to have me and my sister as her work was always more important to her. My sister wasn't academic so I was made to live the life my mother wished she'd had. She controlled every aspect of my life - which school subjects I chose, my career (emotionally blackmailed when I wanted to do something different), said I had brought shame on her for leaving an unhappy marriage. She still thought that what other people thought was more important then her own children's happiness. Tbh nobody could care less. I could go on and on....

If her "parenting" has taught me anything, it's to do the exact opposite with my children and let them live their own lives.

Your upbringing was probably better than hers hence you were more easily able to learn from it.

That doesn’t make it okay. As adults we know what we are doing or not doing, and need to take responsibility.

I'm sure that the mothers being referenced in this thread thought they were taking responsibility. Mine was parenting the way she knew how. Like I said, we were fed, clothed, housed and educated. Notions of child centred parenting and that it's possible to cause emotional damage by the way she acted or didn't act towards us didn't figure.

How interesting that so many of us here were told by their mothers ‘you hated being cuddled’. I was told the same thing. I also have a favoured brother.

OP I know exactly what you mean. It’s a kind of grief. I dread any contact with my mother but choose not to go NC as I’d cut myself off from other immediate family members who I care about.

I know how you feel OP, I'd recommend therapy, including how to deal with abandonment issues. It helped me accept the facts and move on. It's not what you need or what you want but we cannot control other people's feelings, even our own mothers. I am like you in my parenting now, to break the cycle, as this is how parenting should be. Being emotionally distant now helps me actually but everyone should find their own way.

I was also told I hated being cuddled or touched, and wouldn't talk to her about anything. No mention of the fact that she was impossible to talk to as she never seemed interested and I never remember her trying to hug me or spend time with me just chatting. But they made it about me. That I was moody and spent too much time alone, not that they told me to go away and seemed miserable and angry most of the time. It has really messed with my sense of self. I have had a lot of therapy too, it is all so very sad. My Mum announced the other day that Mother's never have favourites and she said that I would agree with her as a Mum. I told her I didn't agree. She favoured my siblings over me every time but she will never see this I don't think. Everyone tells me what a lovely mum I have but they have no idea what it was like growing up with her. This has been a painful post to write.

"She did what she had to do. We were fed, clothed, housed, educated. I just don't think she had the bandwidth for anything else."

This this exactly this.

I just got anger. She never engaged with me, talked to me like she cared. Tried to help me with problems, guide me through my teens. I was completely on my own.

I have one of these mothers OP.

The single best new thing I've got from this thread is the saying

emotional constipation

that is the final piece of the jigsaw I needed to process my mother. That turn of phrase is absolutely the perfect description 👏

I so desperately want to go NC with my mother, we see each other about 3 x a year, which is too much. It's an awful process OP and not sure it is something anybody truely recovers from, but with excellent therapy, self care and learning to love yourself then you can still move on and have a good life. A little humour goes a long way too.

As adults we can choose to be loved, and love others. We don’t have the requirements as a child to depend on parents for survival.

If you decide to have children - there is a world of love there, and feeling so loved. There may be moments of wishing you felt loved as much as your children, and supported by a mother figure but I have found it has filled my heart, learning to mother myself and take care of my own needs. Having incredible friends, a wonderful therapist and a circle of love that can catch you when things are difficult. I have resilience. I am independent. I have been the parent for as long as I can remember so I am resourceful. It’s not all bad. I have learnt to grab life by the balls ( nothing to lose ) trust my own instincts ( never wrong ) and be my own person, I am untethered and free.

So much of what PP have said has resonated with me

I was completely on my own

I remember when I was dating my first boyfriend, I was amazed that his mum was interested in what he did, and she was even interested in what I did, in a kind way, as his girlfriend. I was so unused to that.

What I think I am saying is sometimes you can be set free, it’s not all awful. There are many advantages to being free to pursue your own dreams and agenda, and if you choose to grasp that opportunity, you might find its offers such freedom and you may say it doesn’t compensate, but your newborn in your arms might, exploring the world because you had nothing to stay for. You have the cosiest house in the world ss warmth and togetherness means everything to you. You value the love you are given.

Its not all bad.

I have a mother like this OP and I am a Mother who hasn't repeated the way my mother behaves towards me. I love my DC's so much and will always support, love them always. My Mother is a jealous woman and cruel with her words.
I finally broke free when she was nasty towards my DS. I have always put up with the way she has been with me. She isnt like it towards my siblings (I am the oldest) she has never been supported and one of the saddest memories was when I lost my Baby boy from an infection. He died 3 and a half hours after he was born. She was more concerned with the dent in our car when my DH went round to see her. No cuddles, No how are you, how is busydayahead.
I live life to the full with my tiny family unit and we are happy. I protect my dc's.

So proud of you OP for breaking the cycle your grandmother and mother set. I’m so sorry that they were so unavailable and narcissistic - you did deserve it and the hurt must continue. Of course you deserved more, so much more than this. It makes my chest hurt for you. Please consider going NC with your Mum and brother - no shame in that if it eases your hurt. Also, getting some therapy to support some healing from your childhood.

oh I am so sorry @Busydayahead - that is horrific! My mum said she had to go for a walk when I took on one side to tell her at Christmas I was having a miscarriage and could she tell my aunt I couldn't go to hers for lunch! I had to go anyhow and have the full on miscarriage in the car on the way and in my aunt's house ( she had never been able to have children so it seemed doubly cruel - though she was so so kind to me ). It was eye opening to me - I thought somehow my parents would be there if I really needed something but they weren't! They didn't call me to see how I was for a week. After that I knew they weren't capable of any sort of normal relationship. However like other posters I feel sympathy for my mum - imagine being that cold and cut off. I feel grateful to have worked out how to parent my children in a better way. It is hard though - I have felt fundamentally unloved