Emotionally unavailable mothers - can you ever accept it?

[Motherlessagain]

I’m constantly grieving the fact that my mother is and always has been emotionally unavailable. As a child there was never any physical love or affection, in fact she recently told me that I “hated cuddles” which is not true at all she just never cuddled me!

I remember being about 10 or 11 sitting in my room crying over some maths homework and knowing there was no one I could ask for help or advice or to just talk it through with even though my mother was right next door.

She made sure I was fed and clothed but that was it. Now I’m older and have children of my own I just can’t get over how terrible a mother she was. Always bringing strange men home, going out at night and leaving me alone, once talking about pretending the baby she was pregnant with was mine (I was 13 😮) luckily she had a termination.

I see her maybe once a week and it’s so unsatisfying. I am going through some stressful stuff right now and just wanted to talk about it. As soon as I tried she shut me down telling me her life was more stressful. She’s always been like this. When I was exhausted from no sleep with a sick child I. Intensive care apparently she was more tired than me.

I’m so desperately sad I haven’t got the mother I deserved. I see my friends with their loving and supportive mothers and I’m stuck with her. It’s so unfair and I can’t seem to get over the unfairness.

I feel for you OP. Both myself and my brother wonder why our Mother ever had children. Our Dad left when we were very young and she was basically absent, we spent 95% of our childhood with our grandparents. Never heard “I love you”, never had time with her, never had proper family meals. She lived the life she wanted to as if she didn’t have kids. Both of us had depression and self harmed during our teenage years, which she puts down to our Dad leaving and doesn’t ever consider it could have been her parenting (or lack of) as well.

It is still painful but both of us have limited contact, both now with children who also barely have a relationship with her. She’s astounded that my DC don’t want to see her or spend time with her. I find comfort knowing that my DC will never have the same upbringing I did. They are told multiple times a day they’re loved, always shown affection and always put first.

Give yourself the gift of LC and NC OP. You have spent enough time trying to unpick her problems, and comparing your upbringing unfavourably to others, no more. All of the effort and time, you are free to spend on yourself. Find out what you enjoy and do more of it.

Sometimes maybe the case but not always.
It was my paternal grandparents that made us who we are. Our childhood was worse than my mothers. I shall not go into it but she left me especially vulnerable. My grandparents were amazing, thank goodness for them to show me how parents grandparents could be loving

My mother was like this..at her long term partners funeral .but the other way....ott crying and wailing but looking around to see if anyone was watching her. Then at the wake, shouting and joking.

Same scenario for me, excellent articulation.

My GM was an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to my Mum. Interestingly not towards my Uncles, only ever towards my Mum. As a result, my Mum is understandably damaged but rather than try to fix the cycle of trauma with me by being the best Mum she could be, she was always just emotionally distant and still is.

I don’t recall her ever giving me hugs or telling me she loved me. We’ve certainly never had a shopping trip/going for a coffee and chat type relationship. I don’t really talk to her much tbh because there’s very little point. Any chat we do have is always at a superficial level, if I ask for any real advice her support is along the lines of ‘well you just have to get on with it’ so I don’t bother.

In ways I don’t consider it all negative because I’ve learnt how to be very independent. I taught myself to read at a very young age because I always loved books and she wouldn’t read to me. I’ve broken the cycle with my own DC and shower them with love and as much affection as they’ll allow (older ones not so keen anymore ).

My mother was young having me. Left school at 15 & married at 18 & then I came along. She was not equipped in any sense to be a mother if I'm honest.

She was anxious & self absorbed & my memories of childhood all revolve around her anger / anxiety/ fear of anything unfamiliar. She was not encouraging or supportive.

When I was about 16 I met a woman 10 years older than me through an aftershool activity & over time she took me under her wing & provided a lot of the emotional support I really craved & needed. She & her husband & afterwards their children became my family in many ways. My mother was v jealous.

I think the thing that breaks the cycle is self awareness. My mother has zero ability or interest in any sort of self reflection. She's v limited in this regard & is firmly of the opinion that 'things were different then. And she did the best she could. And I wanted for nothing - I had a roof over my head & food & clothes ,etc "
On the surface she's right but there's so much more...

Dh & I talked a LOT about what we did & didn't want. I was in my 30s before having dc. I have tried very hard to not repeat the cycle & my dc have a radically different experience of childhood/ teen years than I did.

I am not close to my mother & there have been many times when I have mourned that. And times when I needed it but didn't get it. I am lucky to have an amazing dh

(they were same age-ish as my actual mother who is 89 and pickled in viciousness, she is definite proof that indeed the good die young and the very bad just go on and on and on, like a cockroach in a nuclear reactor, invincible.)

You met my 'D'GM, didn't you?

My DM was a Narcisstic as well as emotionally unavailable.

Unlike many DMs here mine had an excellent mother and childhood. My DGPs absolutely adored her. She also had an adoring aunt and uncle and a DGM who constantly fussed over her. But she felt aggrieved because they were poor.

I went NC because I just couldn't stand it any longer. Some of the things she said and did yo me were wicked

I never came to terms with it. It left me vulnerable and feeling less than. She's been dead quite some time.

I'm a very different DM. I actively care about and for my DS. I'm his safe person and he knows how much I love him.

My DM could have done this but all she ever, every single second of every single day, cared about was herself.

It sounds like your mother loves the attention @Motherlessagain and db, being naturally needy and self centred, gives her it. People like that compliment each other and not in a good way. You can see the difference and that's something to be grateful for

This will be a long one, but I will share my experience in hopes that others can relate. I left home when I was 16, I’m 31 now. Life before that was questionable. I was fed, clothed, given a kiss before bed, Christmas presents etc. I thought we had a happy childhood. Unfortunately my mum and stepfather were big drinkers, this was problem number one. They used to argue so badly that I had to comfort my little siblings crying scared in bed. They were tiny at the time, we have different fathers, and a 8-10 year age gap. My stepfather is not in our lives anymore and has been in and out of prison since. My mums drinking became even worse and she’s stayed single ever since, probably put off by men, or knows no one would put up with her drinking.

The reason I left at 16 wasn’t voluntary but because I had no other choice, due to a situation with my stepdad. It was an awful situation caused by him, which I told my mum about and it all went downhill from there. She knew I was scared of him but she didn’t do what needed to be done. Eventually he did leave, forced by other family members, my siblings saw him sometimes but ultimately he turned to drugs, and ended up in prison. He’s not managed to stay out much over the past 13 years.

My main role from a young age was to look after my siblings, this continued after I left, I looked at them like they were my own responsibility. I would leave my mums house after visiting, wondering if she was even capable of caring for them as she was so drunk day after day. All I cared about was their wellbeing. The irony of it is, they still live with her and have full contact and I’ve had on and off no contact or low contact for all of these years. I think that they don’t know any different, unlike me who left at 16 and saw more of the world, they don’t understand anything different. They know that she’s not very nice when she’s been drinking but I suppose they are a family, so they have learned how to handle her. She’s not as bad now because she’s getting older.

For me, I’m very much isolated in my choices, my family don’t contact me, they contact her though, which deep down shows me which side they are on. I reach out to cousins, aunts and uncles, they reply back to me which is great, but untimely make no effort to contact me first. My siblings understand my life and what I’ve gone through, especially being alone with nowhere to go at 16. They know the life I’ve had is vastly different from theres. They obviously look at my mum in a different way, and that’s no issue for me. I’ve struggled with my feelings for years. I’ve drifted through no contact a couple of times, to then giving in due to feeling guilty, and wanting it to not be awkward for the rest of the family, to allowing my memories and feelings to be brushed under the carpet.

Finally I explained everything in a letter this time, I got an apology, something along the lines of, I’m sorry for how you feel, I’m aware of what I can be like. Literally two sentences. She says things like I’ll always love you, I don’t doubt that. I genuinely think she’s been through so much in her life, that she is unable to communicate effectively, accept her wrongdoings, or have the emotional empathy to try to reach out and right the wrongs. What did I want? I wanted a full response, to each individual issue, I wanted her experience and her excuses, or her reasoning for why it happened, or for her reaction. At least I could then understand her a bit more, and work on forgiveness. She is so clearly unable to communicate or is too stubborn to fully admit her faults. Just getting that two sentence sorry, was a huge step. It was the first time she actually said sorry, she’s very stubborn.

We are 15 years on from the incident which pulled the family apart. I have seen her surrounding family events, but it has upset me as I feel like I’m pushing down my feelings to please the family. The family who never reached out to help me. Just recently an aunt told me how bad I would feel if something were to happen to my mum. This is the reason why I am weary of spending time with them because of their comments. I’ve reached out recently just to let my mum know that I do care, to check how she is etc.
i ultimately believe it’s too late to build any relationship with her, just like it would be too late for my siblings to do so with their father that they haven’t seen for 12 years. The difference is they don’t have any expectations as my mum made sure to cut his whole family out, including his mother (their grandmother), so they have no pressures put on them in that regard. Not that I blame her, my stepdad deserves the life he has, he is vile.

I care so much for my siblings and have tried to maintain our relationship all this time without ever putting them in the middle. I can’t say the same for our mum, as she loves drama. I try to remain calm in my feelings, whilst also being truthful of my experience. I don’t bring it up unless I’m asked. I’ve tried to put my feelings last for so many years, it’s had a negative effect on my life. I’ve been in different forms of therapy for years. They mainly tell me to move on, and accept that she will not be the mother that I wanted. That’s the lesson here, is to accept it. I suppose part of me wishes she would just make some effort to repair the relationship but I know she can’t. I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t love me, I think she doesn’t know how.

All I will say is I’m so damaged, no amount of therapy can begin to fix my life and the things I’ve gone through, including this issue. Leaving home at 16 triggered other life events because I was vulnerable and had no family support. This then triggered years of other issues, that I’m now trying to unpack still in my 30’s. One thing I will say, is although I am very self aware, and I’m trying to heal my own trauma, I still think it would be a mistake to have any children of my own. I’m so scared that I will unintentionally damage my child, because of my own issues, just like my parents did with me. I have no idea what my mum went through in her life, or my stepdad or real dad. Their early years could have made them who they are in a way… then we are all just repeating the cycle. Who knows 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve realised now that it’s too late to have a relationship with my mother as too much damaging has been done, she didn’t care enough to have any kind of relationship with me, she only cared about the drink, and now it is too late. Unfortunately other family members think that I am wrong for this, I’m thankful that my siblings can kind of understand, but the wider family only know one side of the story. I’m not interested in telling my side to turn anyone against her, I suppose if I am ever asked I will tell the truth. I doubt they care to ask or check on me though. They come from a generation and a family dynamic where you don’t speak out against your parents.

I could have written this word-for-word.

The thing is obviously the media (social media I'm particularly looking at you) and society will portray the opposite as the 'norm' further alienating those of us that have had the misfortune of emotionally and/or physically unavailable parents.

There just wasn’t the awareness there is now about child rearing, attachment theory, parenting generally. Parents had kids because there was no choice and you got on with it. No counselling or therapy, no talking about feelings. Life was harder on a practical level as many fewer appliances etc and generally less money and fewer good times. Holidays were a luxury generally. Women were expected to stay at home and put their husbands first. Men had little awareness of the needs of their wives both physical and emotional. Many parents struggled with unresolved trauma from their own experience and that handed down by their parents.

My parents left me for THREE months when I was 18 months old . They thought nothing of it. I cried and cried and yet they didn’t come back. It was only much later when my mother read about attachment theory as part of her training that she realised what damage had been done. She had no idea . She herself had been sent to boarding school at 8 and rarely came home. Her own mother struggled with lots of issues and from what I remember of her didn’t understand children at all. She was not emotionally supportive or loving to me and always focused on her own needs. She wasn’t in a happy marriage and had experienced significant trauma. She did the best she could. I don’t feel I had a mother really.

There just wasn’t the awareness there is now about child rearing, attachment theory, parenting generally. Parents had kids because there was no choice and you got on with it. No counselling or therapy, no talking about feelings. Life was harder on a practical level as many fewer appliances etc and generally less money and fewer good times.

If you'd suggested therapy to my mother she'd have very confidently told you that she knew it didn't work so there was no point. She wouldn't even visit the doctor to tell them what was wrong when she was ill, getting her to a therapist was a non-starter.

I'm more and more convinced that she suffered from huge trauma all her life; she was a deeply angry woman who sought refuge in alcohol. And we all know how well THAT works.

It’s so hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mum had a weird upbringing and then got sucked into an abusive relationship with my narcissist, much older father at the age of 15, so I try to have empathy as she obviously didn’t have the support she needed. But then she does something like threaten to leave me at the hospital with no other transport options when my episiotomy stitches burst open, at the start of lockdown, because I ‘upset’ her in some mysterious fashion, and it’s hard to keep that empathy up. It’s hard to know what goes through people like that’s’ heads, and it’s really lonely as an adult child to know you won’t get the unconditional love and support you need and deserve.

it’s really lonely as an adult child to know you won’t get the unconditional love and support you need and deserve

What really hurts is that I cannot imagine what a life with love and support feels like. I am shocking at asking people for any sort of help because growing up it wasn't there - if my own mother wouldn't support me and fight my corner why would anyone else?

Rationally I know I was trained to be that way but it's so bloody hard to overcome.

So many excuses on here for bad parenting. People were not “emotionally aware” or “times were different” or they had no “self awareness”.

I cannot think of any reason to justify poor mothering. Obviously I had no mothering, no emotional support and have been left damaged and traumatised. In fact I had no self awareness about how bad my childhood was until I had children of my own. And yet I show my children daily how much I love them.

My mother was also emotionally unavailable and clearly had anger/anxiety/depression issues after two failed marriages and being a lone parent. Further compounded by her own childhood, with an alcoholic father and lots of arguing between the parents.

She could occasionally be affectionate but it was always on her terms and still is to this day. She wasn't there for me throughout the tricky school years, navigating friendship issues, boyfriend problems etc. I don't ever remember her telling me that she loved me, was proud of me etc.

Essentially if she's in a good mood and everything is going well in her life then she can be lovely. However if things are going badly then she can be vicious.

I've had therapy. I've written a lot of stuff down which has helped. It bothers me less now, but there have been periods where it's hurt SO badly.

She is however a (mostly) wonderful grandparent 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have definitely broken the cycle with my own child. I say 'I love you' all the time. I burst with pride when they've achieved something. Im affectionate and there are lots of cuddles and kindness.

Sure, my child gets bollocked from time to time when they're really pushing their luck. But I always make a point of calmly going back after the event and talking to them and reassuring that I still love them despite their bad behaviour! That's goes a long way.

No there isn't any excuse for it. But I think most of us are just looking for some kind of explanation as to why it happened.

In my case, I do have empathy for my mum because she genuinely had a hard time and just didn't have the intelligence or emotional resilience to see the error of her ways.

It doesn't justify her behaviour, but it helps me to understand why she acted like that.

It’s absolutely horrible isn’t it.

I think I have done my best to create a backstory for myself that allows me to move forward with all of the stuff that has happened to me, if that makes sense. It helps me personally to reduce my own inner conflict, that I was experiencing, because absolutely the stuff that happened to me shouldn’t have happened, it was never about me though which tended to be what I had a tendency to believe, there were issues which them, their culture, their upbringing, their temperament, their personality that they have been unable or unwilling or it simply would never be possible to address and I want to leave that behind for my own peace of mind. I don’t know if that makes sense. It certainly does not excuse or justify what people have done to me, it just helps me to deal with that stuff.

@Motherlessagain
I haven't read all the posts on this thread, but I just had to respond to this particular post of yours whilst it's in my mindspace. I apologise if someone has already said what I'm about to say......
You wrote......."However, I broke the cycle with my kids"......"
Please read that over and over again to yourself., and hang onto it. You suffered, but you are making sure your kids don't suffer as you did. That is such an achievement - many parents can't help but repeat the process as they know no different. Your hurt may never completely go away, but I urge you to take pride in how you, as you say, "broke the cycle".

she genuinely had a hard time and just didn't have the intelligence or emotional resilience to see the error of her ways

^This sentence really says it. I teach and sometimes you come across a student who because of their own particular unique makeup just cannot get to grips with some aspect of the material.

Emotional stuff is often taught by parents who they themselves don’t get it, so it is often very poorly taught and then some people are completely stunted in their ability to understand this facet of people. It is horrible to be on the other side of these people’s behaviour and actions but they simply do not have the capacity to learn this stuff.

@Motherlessagain you on the other hand were gifted in this area, you got it without ever being taught it by anyone, in fact you were untaught it by your mother and you still got it. That is a real gift for your children.

I understand. DM is selfish and unable to put anyone's needs above her own. Which is strange because my GM (who I spent most school holidays with) was kind and generous and a people pleaser.

I went NC two years ago but she wouldn't accept it (as I have to obey her even as an adult with my own DC) so I avoid her whenever possible and count down the days until she is no longer here when I will be free.

I have accepted it then I suppose, but still having to put up with her whining, ironically about how I am so cold and a horrible child...

I have a very difficult relationship with my own mother.like many others on this thread , she took care of my material needs , but had no interest in my life! She had an all consuming involvement in local politics, which took all her care and energy, I particularly remember her being annoyed that I had a baby the year she was mayor!