Grandparent dying - telling the kids

[fuffa]

My DH cares for my MIL and she's now coming towards the end of her life. Her GP said today it's likely weeks. She lives at home by herself so my husband will be round much more. The palliative team etc is involved and care will be ramping up.

Our children are 7 and 10. The 7 year old is very sensitive and has been going through a period lately of worrying about death. This ebbs and flows although last night he came downstairs crying saying he's been thinking about dying again.

I'm not sure how much to tell them at this point. This will be their first death of a close family member. I want to try and get this right as the death of my grandmother at my eldest's age is something I remember clearly.

Does anyone have any advice?

stick To the truth but I’d Start preparing them now
the fact DH will be spending a lot of time there leads you in to explaining she very ill

Sorry you're going through this, it must be a difficult time for you all. The best way to help children with grief is to be 100% honest with them. Be short, to the point but give the news compassionately.

"Hey kids come and sit down with me. Nan is very poorly at the moment and dad is looking after her. Unfortunately nan won't be getting any better and is likely to die in the coming days/weeks. Dad and I are going to be really sad and upset and probably grumpy for a while and you're allowed to be too. It's very sad for all of us"

Encourage talking and sharing of memories. If they're going to the funeral explain that process to them and answer any questions factually and sensitively. Don't make things up because you think it's kind, it's not.

Important you explain to them. Its unavoidable. Don’t pussyfoot around with death. We all face it

Tell school too, and ask them for some resources. Lean on community support (if you're religious) and follow the rites of your cultures, this can bring the children comfort. Most of all empower them to grieve and be sad.

Oh bless you all, very sad. I echo what others said about keeping it factual (in a loving, empathic way). One of my relatives told their little one that grandpa had gone to live in the moon and it created all kinds of confused misunderstandings (including the child becoming frightened of the moon). When the parents tried to clear up their messy explanation with a more honest one they said the poor mite wasn't sure what to believe! Obviously it was all well intended but backfired somewhat.

Thank you.

Yes, we will be keeping it factual. No gone to sleep etc etc.

With regards to the funeral, we've no plans to have them there. I feel it's too young. Especially for our youngest.

I feel down and out of sorts this evening. DH is at his mum's and I'm trying to hold it together at home. We knew she was going downhill but for the GP to come right out and say today has knocked me for six.

Good idea about telling the school, thank you.

We've been dealing with this recently too. In our case, as we don't know how long FiL has, only that his diagnosis is terminal and he needs a lot more support than he did, so DH is living there with him for half the week at the moment. So we decided to be led by DS(7), but never to lie. We explained that DH was there because FiL was poorly and when DS asked when he would get better, we explained that he wouldn't and when he asked if FiL was going to die, we told him that he was. DS was really upset of course and asked lots of questions about why the doctors couldn't help, why the hospital couldn't help etc, but he does seem to have reached a point where he's accepting things now. He occasionally asks more questions, like whether grandad will be buried once he's dead and so on, and we try to answer honestly and give him space to talk about what's worrying him, and tell him it's ok to feel sad, or angry, or anything else. We have kept school in the loop too and honestly, they've been great. I was in doing reading the day after we finally had that chat, and saw the head going past me, heading in to sit with DS and check he was doing ok, and they've let me know how he's doing with it all at school as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this too, it's really tough.

my parents didn't tell me my grandmother was dying, I didn't see her for months (she was very ill and not herself) but assumed she was getting better. When she died I was devastated and became depressed I was 9. I wish I had known and got to see her one more time before she died.

There is a lot of advice and help from several charities so Cruse, Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK might be worth looking at online for some ideas on how to word the conversation and support them

Think very carefully before you decide not to let them come to the funeral. At 10 they are definitely old enough and in my opinion it should be their choice. I was 11 at my grandfather's funeral. Not going would have been unthinkable for me. I would have been furious if I'd been prevented.

Maybe ask yourself what you're worried about them experiencing at the funeral? You can't protect them from the reality of death (as much as we'd like to).

I know it's hard though.

I think its important to give them a choice about the funeral

Hugs op, it’s a hard time for everyone.
We’re in a similar position right now, the kids are a bit older (14 and 11) but due to ASD emotionally younger.
I was completely straight with them. Grandma is very sick and the doctors can’t make her better. They tried but her illness is too serious and sadly that means that she will die. We don’t know when but it might be soon. She loves you so much and would like to see you (this was true for us anyway). Along those lines.
We took them to see her over half term and she was on good form, it was a nice visit, she’s not local to be able to pop in easily. I’m glad we did, as she’s now taken a turn for the worse, and I very much wanted their last memories to be nice ones. They could also see for themselves how frail she was though, to give it all context. I don’t know if that’s an option for you.
DD was very concerned about pain which I wouldn’t have twigged had I not asked straight out. So do ask them if they have questions or things they want to know about. I could at least reassure honestly that grandma was having medicines for the pain and she was comfortable.
It’s going to be awful when the time comes but a bit of preparation is hopefully going to ease the shock a bit. I hope so anyway.
I will also look into the resources mentioned and school when it’s time. Thank you to all posters. So much sympathy op, you’re doing a good job x

My kids dad died when they were 7 and 9. The only way is to get straight to the point and be totally honest. Don’t dress it up as something else and don’t try to hide it from them. Kids can always tell when something is wrong. Best of luck. Don’t have any advice for the funeral as this happened during the lockdown so there was no funeral. For what it’s worth I always thought a funeral would have helped my two, but it just wasn’t an option. Give it some thought and discussion with family.

My children were 4 and 8 when their Great-Nanny died.

I thought they were too young for the funeral as well, so what we did was take over the responsibilities of preparing the house the the wake, warming food, pouring drinks for the arrival etc. It meant I missed the funeral, but it meant I was a great help to my in-laws.

It made them feel part of the day, without the intense emotions of the funeral, they felt useful, especially the older one knowing that Grandad had just lost his Mum.

For your 7 year old there's a great book called Badger's Parting Gifts that deals with death from old age. Really helped my DD at that age.

Following. FIL is going to die of cancer, probably before Christmas.

DS7 knows he has a tumor and knows people can die of that.

DD3 doesn't know anything.

Have been putting off discussing it further until we have a more reliable sense of the timeline.

After posting earlier I had a Google about kids at funerals and the consensus is to give them a choice.

Growing up for me and DH kids going to funerals was not the done thing in our families.

My Gran died when I was 10 and I didn't go and I felt resentful for a long time as I grew up.

I'll speak to DH about it and we'll have a think about it over the coming weeks.

@etetchedowl I'm sorry that was your experience <hugs>.

My eldest asked why Daddy was at MIL's again tonight after being there all day so I took that as an opportunity to say she's very ill and needs him more just now. I'll keep the lines of communication open with them.

I’m sorry, that’s very sad. And hard for you all.

There is a good book, called ‘Badger’s parting gifts’ about death and bereavement, which puts things in very accessible terms for kids. Particularly good for the death of a person who has had a long life, but less suitable for an untimely/early death. Another one called The Invisible String’ is a lovely book all about how love is stronger than distance/death. I think in your shoes I would encourage your children to share memories and appreciate the things they have enjoyed in the time you’ve all had together.

Echoing what others have said about giving your children the facts — with anything tricky I tend to answer just the question they ask — resisting the temptation to elaborate, as the elaboration is likely more than they need/can process.

I think it’s helpful to say out loud that someone is dying/has died, rather that they have ‘passed away/moved on/late/departed/gone into another room as this completely confuses a lot of children (and some adults) who then expect them to return.

Also, when it comes to bereavement, many children don’t even begin to process a bereavement (particularly a significant one) until 6months after the event. They may start (as my daughter did) to process themselves at 6months without any warning. Your young one is wrestling with the concept of death/loss at the moment, but they may also come back to think specifically about their grandmother at the 6month point. I know it sounds brutal, but I would be tempted to diary a reminder to check in on my child down the line as after the funeral etc these things get forgotten.

Your school ELSA (as well as class teachers) will be able to advise you and possibly suggest resources along the way. They can keep an eye on your kids in school and I would also remind them at the 6month point too.

When it comes to the funeral, it depends what kind of service you have as to whether it is suitable to take the children. I suggest you see how you feel nearer the time and how the children feel too. If you are involved in planning the service, you can have a lot of say in what you would like to include, even in a church service you can tailor a lot of it. You can discuss it with the celebrant/minister and they might have suggestions. I have been at funerals where the children have written poems and/or memories to be included in the eulogy or in the booklet for the order of service, or included pictures they have drawn of grandparents etc, and helped to choose the music. There is no need to decide on anything now, don’t pressure yourself to decide either way at the moment.

X

@Cryingbutstilltrying I'm sorry you're going through similar. It sounds like they will have lovely memories of her.

I agree with and have experience of this. Tell the truth, as brutal as it may be. I was ‘lucky’ (if you can it that & I know it’s probably not comparable to human loss for some, though I disagree but hey ho) that I had animals who died. Knowing what death is and saying goodbye is very important. Sorry to those who have lost loved ones 💐

my mum died when dd was 11, they were very close. I told her gran had fallen, and all of a sudden was in hospital very poorly with her eyes closed and not aware of any pain or sound or touch (massive brain bleed) and I explained that as her brain was no longer feeling or thinking, so slowly her body would slow down until her heart stopped and it would be a very gentle ending. We talked about the difference between asleep, unconscious and dead as my dd found it confusing.

She also had been through a “fear of death” phase a few years earlier, utterly convinced she might just die in her sleep. So we’d already watched a bunch of YouTube videos about sleep cycles and how your body is programmed to wake up. I thought losing gran might trigger all those fears again, but it didn’t.

we all cried, a lot. And now several years on we just remember, with much love, the great lady we lost.

Sorry that you are in this situation. My kids are the same age and we've just been through similar with my father in law. Lots of good advice here which is basically what we tried to do. They knew he was ill, getting steadily frailer and would not get better. In laws aren't local so the last time we visited fil was frail but only able to walk a few steps with a frame. We kept them updated and DH was spending more time there. They chose not to come to the funeral which was right for us and them. It wasn't really a child friendly one, there aren't any other children in the family. On the whole the kids have coped OK so far, I'll try to remember about checking on them in 6 months though, I didn't know about that.

I should add that I've found the whole time really lonely. DH has been there a lot so I've been ending up home alone with the kids. I'm sure I could have organised to see friends but my ability to arrange stuff has suffered and I've just not sorted anything. And of course we cleared the diary when FIL was sick...