How to be a great auntie

[CopperLion]

I’m an auntie to my brother’s two children: nephew (8) and niece (3). They are the only children in our wider family and I won’t be having my own. I’ve been an ok auntie so far (they like me!) but don’t have a strong relationship with them and would like to change that. I’d like to be someone who has a positive impact on their lives — not necessarily in a profound way, though it would be great if I was another adult that they knew they could count on as they grow up - but in terms of having fun and adding some extra joy IYSWIM.

in practical terms, we live close by and I like my brother and SIL but we don’t ‘click’ as friends exactly, so tend to see each other for plenty of family occasions but wouldn’t otherwise choose to socialise which means that I don’t see DN & DN incidentally. Before the pandemic I had an all-consuming job that meant I could never commit to much outside of work. Now I have changed company and have a lot more balance, so feel more able to add things to my life (that might sound weird, I’ve been on a big recovery journey following workplace bullying and burnout).

What can I do to be a better auntie? What do you see your siblings do that is nice for your kids? I’m interested in little ideas but also bigger ones (like maybe regular scheduled time with them?). Also, the 3YO is easily pleased but 8YO much more reserved and mainly into computer games, so harder to know how to play with him these days and I would like to evolve our relationship as he gets older. The playground doesn’t cut it any more!

grateful for any ideas, big or small.

I suppose it depends on your family dynamics ,are your Brother and sister in law happy for you ti.be more involved with your nephew and niece?
If so maybe start taking them out on days out and having them stay over night ?
The more time you spend with them ,the stronger the relationship will be
I have two nephews but they are only a few years older than my own children ,so whilst I care about them in an abstract way I have been busy with my own boys and my sister is the same .

Yep, family dynamics are fine and I think DB and DSIL welcome the help! I think days out are a good idea and have done a few before but not regularly. It’s a bit tricky with the age gap too - would you tke them separately?

I think it depends on where you are planning to go if its something that say your nephew or Niece has a particular interest in bearing in mind the age gsp.then it might be nice to.spend some one on one time with each child
But if its something both children will enjoy than take them.both.

’epic’ auntie here -

you put the hours in basically. Maybe Offer to take the kids to an activity and do it regularly and here is the important bit NEVER cancel.

or do babysitting once a month.

when with the kids just listen to everything they say and get interested in what they are.

take them to Lego land and stay in the resort hotel !

buy yourself a Nintendo switch if the 8 yo has one and start playing the games they play.

@pineapplepinecones thank you, these are some great ideas! I agree about not cancelling. This is one reason why I never made a regular commitment when dealing with work stress/bullying - I was barely coping and knew I would likely end up cancelling plans I made with them. I didn’t want to make empty promises.

I love that you have suggested simple things (get interested) but also things I would never think to do - like buy a console! That’s a fun idea, especially as nephew has apparently said it’s no fun at my house because he isn’t allowed to touch anything! Not true but other family members let him jump on the sofa etc.

I'd always show that I'm interested in them (have you done anything nice recently, how's school, did you enjoy ... the other day) and pay them compliments when appropriate. Offer to play games, and in particular with the younger one read a book, play with them.

Also, offer to babysit. You might not end up doing it very often, but that way you have them to yourself for a while and can have a bit of uninterupted fun with them before bedtime.

If and when you feel comfortable, ask parents (not them in case parents aren't
onboard) if you can take them out to park, a drink and snack or a drive somewhere fun younger ones might like.

You could let your DB and SIL know that if they have activities that they would like to do, but that only work for one child because of the age gap (eg going to theatre or cinema) you are happy to be the extra adult who can make that happen, eg taking the 8-year-old to the cinema, or babysitting the 3-year-old so that Mum and Dad can do activities with the 8-year-old that wouldn't be manageable with a 3-year-old.

I never take anything my nephew says or does personally. He’s six, he reacts to things based on a fairly limited understanding of the world, there’s just no point getting upset or frustrated with him. Taking this view makes it easy to be both patient and firm in short doses. I’m also happy to have very serious conversations about very stupid things, and to be proved wrong endlessly.

Thanks @CopperLion !

the console thing is good as you’ll be the newbie and he’ll be able to be the expert at it, which is great role reversal. You could get games like Mariocart and race against him. Amimal crossing is another great one for adults and kids.

if you drive you could offer to drive the kids to their activities. Driving time is a time for good chats with kids. A friend of mine used to volunteer to drive her niece and nephew to all their sporting matches, she said they had the best chats, the longer the car drive the better.

Ohh and inspired by another thread have a Lego set on the go that they can help you with!

top auntie right there

I'm in effect honorary aunt to my friends' 7yo and 3yo. It started out when the oldest was born without much hand-on involvement, I'm not really a kid person, but if I wanted to still see my friends I needed to adapt! And it's not reasonable to go around to a friend's house and just sit there gormlessly while they're run off their feet with chores and kids. I tried to focus on the chores to begin with, but appreciate now that sometimes a quiet half hour to do the washing up while another adult deals with a 2yo playing Paw Patrol for a bit is actually relaxation!

I'm most often another pair of hands in the house, but sometimes take the older one out on a Saturday afternoon while the youngest naps, or take the youngest to the local park. Last few years I've had the older one some days in the summer holiday and it's nice to treat him a bit with things like a trip to the local pier and amusements, or ninja warrior, that are difficult for them to arrange unless the whole family is free. But equally hanging around and listening to him talk about Minecraft, or showing him how to make a cake, it's all part of being another interested adult in his life plus giving my friends a break.

Favourite aunty over here!

Play games with them - be silly. I recently thrashed my nephew on an assault course (silly lad thought I was above pushing him off )

Boring aunts just sit around drinking coffee with the grown ups and don't bother to have fun.

Thank you all, I love these ideas. Please keep them coming! the Lego set is a great one.

I also appreciate the practical advice about interaction and how to fit with what their parents might need, etc. as some of these things I wouldn’t think of myself.

I am an ok auntie, I just want to invest in them more and these ideas are really helping me see how I can do that. Wish I had asked mumsnet sooner!

@legalseagull oh dear, I do like coffee and a grown up chat…!

I’d also ask your DB and SIL if they’d prefer you take both lf them on days out or separate - I loved it when family members took mine out individually. The kids felt super special and it’s memories they treasure. As long as it’s fairly even and not just taking the same one out all the time.

It means the day can be all about them and they don’t have to consider the older or younger sibling. My MIL is taking one of mine to an event this weekend and he’s mostly excited by the fact the day won’t be interrupted by the fact that his sister (according to him) needs to pee every 5 minutes.

My kids have aunties, for their birthday they have them for a weekend and take them to London or the coast or whatever the kid wants to do. They have a great relationship

I barely knew my niece and nephew when they were younger, pre university age. I lived a long way away, had my own 2dc of similar age. and an exh who wasn’t exactly keen on me spending time with extended family.

however, 3 years ago I moved “back home” after divorce and have had the sheer pleasure and delight of getting to really know my now adult niece and nephew. They both married lovely partners last year, niece is now expecting my great something (tbd). They come round to tea, or just call round for a natter and cuppa or we meet up for a walk. I’ve discovered they’re both magnifcant company.

but I put effort into the relationship; I offer tea on workdays without expectation they’ll stay late, pitched as a “save you cooking and a bit of company for my tea”, I’ve helped with DIY, pet sitting/house minding when on their hols, mending/making stuff (I’m a good needlewomen). And try hard to keep up with stuff that’s important to them. I’ve already offered emergency child minding when niece goes back to work after maternity. Her parents (my DB\SIL) are first in line, and I’m not mad on baby stage, but niece in’s she only has to ask.

my own 2 Dc are 100 and 250 miles away respectively. So I don’t see them as often now, and I see niece and nephew as a bit Of a “fill in” in having “younger generation” company and keeping me on my toes. I also know, by helping them out, that if I needed help then I only need ask- a definite must as I get older being on my own.

so, don’t think you have to do it all while they’re young. You and they have the whole of your lives together. You’re in for the long haul. Think of things they only do with you, that you can do occasionally that reflects who you are to them. As they get older, embrace those changes and change what you do to meet their changing needs. Be prepared to go through stages when they don’t fancy spending time with “aunt”, and be there when they emerge as fully decent humans at 22-23 years and ready to be adulting with you.

I am indisputably the world’s best Aunt.

Lots of individual time so each gets to do things tailored to their age and enthusiasms. Days out to the cinema, galleries, museums, countryside. Lots of overnights for theatre and concerts both close at hand or in other cities. Times when I went to stay with the family and did the school run, etc. And joyous times when they’ve stayed with me for weekends or a week - doing all the things above but also building dens, listening to music, baking, making pizza, serious amounts of reading with, and to, and having them read to me.

Endless talking and open communication about the world, and family history and experience. Very much sharing the things in life that matter to me, as well as engaging in whatever interests them.

It’s incredibly rewarding, now they’re older and going out into the world, to see where the things I, and their parents and grandparents have shared with them have fed into and developed their young adult activities and aspirations.

What they really love is attention. I’ve been an auntie, now a great-aunt, and I’m an honorary auntie to my friend’s DC of 7 and 5. Play games, read books, spend endless hours with Sylvanian families or Lego or whatever it is (I mutter to myself ‘repetitive play is important for development’ as we embark on yet another round of Snap)! Spending time with them is just as important as buying them things or taking them places.

Why not do a voucher for birthday or Christmas presents, promising a day out to be arranged (museum, zoo, theatre, cinema, etc), that way you could take each child out separately once ot twice a year.

By the way, I think it’s fine to say ‘I’ll play with you in a bit, but I haven’t seen your mum and dad for ages, so I want to have a cup of tea and chat to them first” as long as you keep your promise.

And listen to them. Take them seriously, answer questions, and be silly. Children can be infuriating, frustrating and tiring, but I also find the time I spend with them priceless - it lifts my spirits.

These replies are all so lovely. I’m going to take them on board and invest much more in the relationships. I really appreciate the variety of ideas and perspectives.

@Appleofmyeye2023 your post was especially touching. Thank you for sharing the long term view, I don’t have that with my aunts and uncles so it’s harder to envisage, but the way you put it sounds lovely.

A further thought on this - what kind of outings / activities would an 8YO enjoy, apart from gaming?? I have recently taken him to Ninja Warrior and a leisure pool, but these were pricey and I’d love to have some other ideas, including cheaper ones. He used to love going to the playground but not so much anymore!

I'm favourite auntie of 3 here and I have lived 100 miles from her (the others very close!) since she was a young baby.

For us, it's always been about making time for her and asking what she'd like to do. Making FaceTimes just to her, cuddles, countless trips to the park and the odd ice cream here and there.

She's 10 now but still loves us taking her to the park still, as long as we run around, up and down on the slides. You aren't going to find you have loads in common with them but it's about learning their interests and talking to them about it. They just want your time!

My brother and his kids were at the other end of the country so I didn't see them often.

But I would send them an 'unbirthday present', so instead of each getting a birthday present they all got a present on a random day.

Yes to taking them out and spending time with them, both together and individually.

Maybe start something you do with each of them. Pantomime season is around the corner and 8 is a good age. Maybe that could become a tradition and let the younger one join you in a couple of years.

If you have some spare money then you could ask the eldest to pick an activity that you pay for, take him to, have a meal with and then drop home. When the younger one is older do a different activity.

Cheaper things, baking a cake or making jam tarts are fairly cheap.

Yes, we have booked the panto for both of them this year! It will be first time for the little one. I have enrolled grandparents (my parents) to come so we have a strong adult:child ratio in case of any meltdowns

Baking is a fun idea.