How to be a great auntie

[CopperLion]

I’m an auntie to my brother’s two children: nephew (8) and niece (3). They are the only children in our wider family and I won’t be having my own. I’ve been an ok auntie so far (they like me!) but don’t have a strong relationship with them and would like to change that. I’d like to be someone who has a positive impact on their lives — not necessarily in a profound way, though it would be great if I was another adult that they knew they could count on as they grow up - but in terms of having fun and adding some extra joy IYSWIM.

in practical terms, we live close by and I like my brother and SIL but we don’t ‘click’ as friends exactly, so tend to see each other for plenty of family occasions but wouldn’t otherwise choose to socialise which means that I don’t see DN & DN incidentally. Before the pandemic I had an all-consuming job that meant I could never commit to much outside of work. Now I have changed company and have a lot more balance, so feel more able to add things to my life (that might sound weird, I’ve been on a big recovery journey following workplace bullying and burnout).

What can I do to be a better auntie? What do you see your siblings do that is nice for your kids? I’m interested in little ideas but also bigger ones (like maybe regular scheduled time with them?). Also, the 3YO is easily pleased but 8YO much more reserved and mainly into computer games, so harder to know how to play with him these days and I would like to evolve our relationship as he gets older. The playground doesn’t cut it any more!

grateful for any ideas, big or small.

@CopperLion

Re the baking, a friend of my mother's used to collect her grand daughter from school and one day was asked to collect another child and keep her for a couple of hours.

She decided to make a cake with them.

The little girls then had a discussion about the cake because one of them said, "we buy food in our house" and the other said, "We are poor, so we just buy ingredients and make food".

There are children's cook books and I suggest investing in a cooking apron for any small people helping. Their parents will thank you.

what kind of outings / activities would an 8YO enjoy, apart from gaming??

An 8 year old has very little knowledge of what’s available - it’s entirely open to you to introduce them to new experiences or things they wouldn’t have chosen themselves.

I remember a truly gobsmacking post ages ago from a mother, brutally dismissing the suggestion of taking her small children to art galleries or museum exhibitions “because they’d be bored”. It was so, so puzzling to me - because wandering around exhibitions has been part of the natural rhythm of life with my niblings since they were babies. How on earth will a child begin to understand how to engage with and enjoy any activity unless you show them?

Also, given that ticketed experiences - theatre, opera, classical concerts, sporting events, whatever - and hotels and restaurants and travel to distant places, can all cost not insignificant amounts of money, there’s great relief in spending a morning clambering over steam engines or discussing the meaning of a piece of video art for free.

What I would add is that the activities you share with them don’t have to have a giant label on them saying “For Children”. It’s perfectly wonderful if the gallery has an area specifically geared to them - but they will also enjoy the rest of the exhibits and the building. It’s great fun to take them to a children’s theatre event - but you can also take them to a Britten opera or innovative theatre at an international arts festival or a free student performance at your nearest conservatoire. As long as you always remember to include some opportunity for them to race about outside and burn up some energy, they will always be happy to be led by your example.

And as a pp said - you only have a limited time (probably about 12 years) before days out with any adult become anathema to them. Then it’s a long wait until they reach young adulthood and are once again happy to be seen with you.

The answer is that the more time you spend with them, you’ll find out what they like to do. I agree with the poster above, it doesn’t all have to be stuff aimed at children.

Re museums, stately homes etc - a lot of them have trails, I-spy games etc for children but be prepared for the speed of the visit to be much faster than you might choose! My experience is that they race through. It doesn’t matter, try and find something in every room/gallery for them to look at and then move on.

I try to avoid an expectation that we will always visit the shop at the end, but you might have to ‘sell’ a visit by the promise of hot chocolate afterwards, or a picnic in the park. Most eight-year-olds I’ve known still love playgrounds, maybe he’s just being too cool for school! An adventure playground, woodland, Trail or just somewhere different, might be interesting for them.

This year I took 7 year old to London to go to the Natural History Museum. The train journey and the tube were all part of the fun. It was busy and a bit overwhelming, and we ended up eating our picnic in Hyde Park and playing a card game (always have something in your bag!) for longer than we spent in the museum. Absolutely fine, we had a good day.

Those are the best days, @MerelyPlaying!

I recall taking one of mine to the theatre in another city, requiring an overnight stay. We spent as much time building their hugely ambitious Lego model in our hotel room as we did exploring the city - it was a magnificent trip.

When another was between 5 and 7 years old I used to take them to a regular weekend activity. It involved a fun journey and then a couple of hours during which I read the FT in the car or cafe while I waited for them. Then into town for hot chocolate at Pret. (Best part of the day for them!) Then a leisurely stroll through town - Farmers Market, magazine browsing (in the cool magazine shop and W H Smith), maybe picking up a birthday present for a relative, then home. It really was a ridiculously easy and cheap way to have a glorious day.

It’s wonderful of you gradually establish one or two activities that are your shared thing with a child. Doesn’t matter if that’s sci-fi or embroidery or birdwatching - it will bind you as you both mature. And it’s a failsafe way of maintaining communication through their surly teenage years.