Need advice unpicking some emotions from people who have partners who works away from home for long periods of time.

[Loopylemons]

I have NC’d for this but a regular.

DH is in the Forces and has been our entire married life (almost 17 years) we are in our early 40’s and have 3 DC.

For best part, it’s been an excellent career for DH and for us as a family. Job stability meant that I could stay at home with the DC when they were little and whilst there were obviously long periods where he has been away and missed out on special moments he has always had really good leave which meant lots of family time when he is home.

I would however be lying if I said there wasn’t any resentment from time to time, mostly when DC were little, we only have 4 years between the 3 of them and I found being stuck at home with a newborn and two small children challenging especially when he would escape to another city for a long weekend with one scheduled meeting and being wined and dined for the rest of it and call it “forced fun”

I won’t say exactly what DH does but when he is operational it means that he uncontactable and is on a constant 8 hours on/8 hours off and this can be for months on end. This is when we work the best, we have learned to compartmentalise well. He gets his head down, I put him in his little away box and get my head down and we soldier on and then let it all out when he gets back and have wonderful life.

However, this is not the only part to DH’s job, like many he has courses, different types of duties, a good chunk of admin, and also, where we are at the moment” stints abroad.

My life is busy, work, 3 teenage DC, the house, a hobby/lifestyle that involves a lot work and everything else that goes with family life. DH has been operational for 6 weeks, we hadn’t spoke to him in that time and has just arrived where he is going to be for the next few months, which takes you to where we are now…

I literally want to stab him in the head, with a blunt knitting needle! Absolutely EVERYTHING he is doing is annoying me and I honestly not sure if will make this entire trip without imploding…

It started off the 1st day he arrived. A text to say “I’m here” “working tonight” (which means no signal) but will call 1st thing tomorrow, no usual “love you!” but put it down to him being tired and busy and on the whole was glad to hear from him.

Day 2 a message from him on transport to a stunning hotel, picture of beer in hand, a video of hotel suite, I asked him to call, which he did (10 minutes we got) of how amazing everything was, that his plan was beer, food rugby and a quick “How’s things back home?” Two DC out with friends so had a few minutes talk him youngest DD, yesterday was day 6 and I had to remind him to call the other children.

Since them there has been a steady stream or nights out, dinners, beach days, sniggers of the weather back home…

I would liken the way he is being to what you might be like to a work colleagues or mate back home when on holiday, a bit smug and braggy certainly no, reassurance of I miss you all and I’d rather be at home.

I literally can’t be bother engaging with him at all, he’s not really scratched below the surface of what’s going on at home or really made an effort to find out how we all are as I suspect he doesn’t really want anything to burst his little no worry bachelor bubble…

Even the way he communicates is annoying me, yesterday’s being the icing on the cake, do you think you could phone them kids? Oh yes no worries, it’s a chill day today so that would be great” 🤬🤬🤬

Whats niggling at me is that in previous arguments when away, I would get angry or upset, we’d argue, he’d sometimes apologise, I’d sometimes apologise but we would at least communicate. All I can muster at the money is a thumbs up or “ok” and for the 1st time ever last night when he phoned the DC I told them to take the phone upstairs and pretended to asleep when he messaged after to ask if I was around and I can’t quite work it out in my head why. He is now over communicating with me more “Hi how are you” or “that’s me finished work” “It’s colder today” amongst other mundane comments as he knows something isn’t right and I just want to scream “I DONT FUCKING CARE”

We are not new to this, I don’t grudge him living while we are apart but I also know that every single thing he says is making me furious and my anxiety is so much higher that what it was before he arrived. I also know that we have another couple of months of this and it’s not doing us any favours carrying on the way we are.

I’d like you to ask that if you’re not living or have experience of our lifestyle not to judge. It’s one of these situations that you can’t fully understand if you’ve not been there but for anyone that has can you help me unpick…

I understand. DH also worked away a lot, staying in nice places, having his bed made and food cooked. While I’m at home, doing kids/work/ house, and when he gets home he says he’s tired.
To be honest, the resentment has never gone, and it’s one of the many reasons we will probably divorce.

He has it all and you do it all?

Or you feel unseen? A side part, an accessory.

Are you actually really quite worried because you don't care enough to argue?

Those were my first thoughts. Feel free to give a big old 'nope'.

Hmm I wonder if you can put your finger on what's different this time...is it because it's a bit of a jolly? Or are you pissed off because he was more matey than husband-y when he first messaged? I have found it easier to manage when he's somewhere a bit rubbish rather than somewhere I would like to go! I also think going away a lot can mask underlying issues as you have the artificial honeymoon period when they come back. Have a think about whether there was anything different before he went too. It might be that as your kids are older and you have more thinking time that this way of life isn't working as well anymore.

@whatausername I had been struggling with the weight of responsibility with this job and juggling everything when he’s away, it was actually easier when the DC were little but now they come with their own complex emotions, hormones, busy social and club lives and with work the house, animals it has felt like a lot.

DH knew this but had our usual it will shit but we will get on with it and get it done pow wow…

This trip was also an extension of draught that should have been much shorter, I didn’t want him to go, he told me he didn’t want to go but couldn’t get out of it…

And now I feel like he’s taking the piss out of both these aspects and for the latter wondering with how wonderful it’s sounding, lied which I think is feeding my anxiety.

I’ve not experienced it on this level, but I am alone Mon - Fri with 3 young primary age kids and a full time job out of the house while DH works in another city, stays in hotels, eats in restaurants and only has himself to worry about.

The rage I feel when he texts me a picture of his fancy dinner or client-hosted drinks party is UNREAL. They always seem to come through just as I’m trying to get one child to do spellings, another to stop spilling a drink and the third to eat his fucking dinner and stop dicking about.

So, no tips but I feel ya.

@Castlereagh I think you probably near enough hit the nail on the head.

Same tbh

Don’t rule out perimenopausal rage - it might be amplifying stuff you’d usually brush off.

Yep I get this.

it’s tough. You’re doing the hard work and probably have coped very well without him. As did I.

i used to get too many calls, every bloody day right at about the time i was cooking dinner or rushing to an after school thing. I too would pass the phone to the kids and tell them to take it to the other room. Only the youngest wanted to chat really. I suppose after many years it all wears thin. They live a life of Riley, and you don’t. The kids know who has their back.

I hear you, OP, though DH wasn't away as much and my DC are grown now.

I'm used to him working away Mon-Fri in our home country and in other countries sometimes for a couple of weeks. With three children (like you, we started doing this with three under four) it was hard but we had a routine. It's much harder doing it with teens, I agree. It's especially hard when a jolly gets tagged on to the end of a trip, while I'm still holding the fort at home.

A few years ago I put my foot down, left him to it with the kids at home and took myself away for a week. It took ages for it to sink in to his brain that no, he wasn't invited and that I wanted to go alone because in all the years since he took this job it was my first time getting away, while he'd often had time off to explore wherever he was working and to do his own thing. It gave him an inkling into what I had to deal with all the time when he's away.

These days as he approachesretirement he's only taking contracts that are more local and preferably short weeks so he's under my feet a lot more - which comes with its own set of problems!

My husband sent me a photo of him drinking a margarita at a water park in California. It was January, the baby had "measles" from her MMR and I'd just been notified of a major restructuring leading to redundancies.

I would have flown to California solely to murder him. Nothing but solidarity, OP.

Was pondering this a bit more. I can't quite tell if it's tone-deaf superficial sharing of his day (i.e. a really poor attempt at communicating) or showing off. To me, it reads more like the former.

@whatausername It probably was a poor attempt of communication but I guess I’m realising that I deserve the bar being set a little higher. I told him I was struggling before he left, that I was worried about this trip and yet he still isn’t able to read the room.

Im worth fucking more than that.

Mine is on his first glass of wine, he’ll finish the bottle again. I also need to set my bar higher.

Basically you are completely enabling his life.He has important interesting work and a family who he can connect with when he is available. It is like he can just put you in a box until it is convenient. I don't have solutions but understand the rage. I remember once when DD was little and had thrown up somehow all over the house and in her and my bed. I rang DH who was on the other side of the world having lunch with friends at a conference. I just felt pure rage.

I just feel that my role in the family is undervalued. When away, it’s not really discussed and when back and I want to share the load it’s almost like I’m lazy

@Loopylemons yes, you damn well are worth more! Sounds like you need a heck of a conversation with him and a whole lot of follow-through on his side.

Similar story DH forces. Been together 18 years. He's been in American since August. He has 5 days off in vegas now 😖😖

Also name changed for this. I think your feelings are extremely valid. I was married to someone who was in the military for a long time and felt exactly like you do. Longest trip away was 15 months with ten days at home half way through.

Ultimately we divorced, many reasons but I felt that he lost respect for everything I did here and lost the ability to prioritise his family and home life. Like you, I was holding down a senior role with tons of responsibility, kids, home, animals, life. It is extremely tough.

For a decade we worked towards a (I thought at the time) shared dream, he would retire and become a surgeon (not a surgeon), near home or one move away, and I would carry on with my career (I was the higher earner by far). He couldn’t hack being at home post retirement after 25 years and took another job which meant he was out of the country for 8-9 months a year within 12 months of retirement.

I also felt that his rank had an impact on the failure of our marriage, because having everything done for you for a year or more, being senior to everyone around you etc., etc., didn’t do much for the status quo once he came home. Basically he became a knob!

I think you’re right about reading the room, not that you want them to be living a miserable existence in the 🏜️ , but there needs to be a level of respect for the, quite frankly, shit, at times situation you are in.

I’ve been divorced for nearly a decade now, I am extremely happy, very content with my lot. Sadly the kids don’t see much of XH now they are grown up, in fact the other day one of them mentioned his choice to work away post retirement (they were teens then) and said something along the lines of ‘Dad wasn’t really involved in our lives Mum was he, even when he was here. We (siblings) were talking about it the other day and he chose X job didn’t he when he didn’t have to’.

Life is much easier on my own.

Have you tried spelling it out? That photos of him having a jolly time while you're struggling with the kids by yourself aren't helpful

I had a similar pattern with exh. If you have the leave and money could you book a fortnight away when he’s home? Just you and maybe a friend? Somewhere you want to go, where you can explore and just be you for a bit whilst he looks after the kids.

Fairness is important, and it seems like he had gone from appreciating the imbalance, to taking it for granted. You deserve some time to yourself too. If you can make it happen it might help heal some of those wounds.

I don’t think you need to unpick, I think you’re having a totally normal emotional response to the scales shifting from “we are in this together, let’s get through it” to him being really quite thoughtless, unappreciative and even unkind in his interactions with you. It doesn’t sound like he’s showing you much (or any) appreciation for your side of things right now. And it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to reconnect emotionally and for your sake and the sake of the relationship, I think you need to pull him up on all those things.

But in the meantime, just be kind to yourself as cheesy as that sounds. You’re having a normal response to a pretty extreme situation and no matter how much you tell yourself you both chose this and you get something out of it too (lifestyle etc), it’s ok and even normal for the balance to tip to “fuck this” For you at times.

My dp Only works away for shorter periods - up to 2 weeks before we had dd and about a week since but I’ve always found it really important that he wants to connect with me even if it’s just one or two texts or a 5 min call, I need him to be interested in my life as much as I’m interested in his job. I appreciate that’s not possible when your Dh is completely off grid but when he can contact, he needs to be mindful.

I think you also need to think about what changes you could put in place to ensure you don’t feel like you’re the one with all the responsibility for keeping the home fires burning and never get down time. There can be the feeling of being responsible for everything when he’s away and then you need to reconnect and have intense time together when he’s back so you’re always needing to put everyone else’s needs (or the relationship needs) first before any needs you might have personally. Meanwhile, he is getting a lot of personal validation (and let’s be honest, sone decent perks) from work as much as I’m sure it’s often hard for him too and he works hard.

Can you get regular help of whatever kind needed so you can exercise/spa day/go for dinner with friends/weekend away/hobby just for you etc etc while he’s away? Even if it feels a bit weird and unnatural to be not “fulfilling your side” of the bargain at first, I think you might get into it and find it gently helps give you a bit more balance. You might benefit from something that’s just for you whatever that is.

I don't know whether I'm qualified to post on this thread - my husband goes away for a few days at a time regularly so I don't have it anywhere near as tough as you. But I do still feel resentful. I've done a lot of soul searching too because I am happy he's doing a job he enjoys, he's a higher earner than me so his salary pays for a lot of the things I enjoy.

For me I think the resentment comes from the lack of acknowledgement or appreciation of the fact that holding down the fort is hard work. I work full time in a job that's not well paid but is demanding because I'm trying to work my way up the ladder a bit so taking extra stuff on. My kids are teens but they still need feeding and ferrying around. There's all the house and pet stuff. I would love a thank you from him. I would love him to come home and say 'you sit down with a glass of wine - you're completely off duty for the day, I'll take over'.

I don't want a medal or for him to change jobs, I just want a bit of consideration.

I think this is very interesting @NoFleasOnMe .

For me it wouldn't have worked, because after months holding everything together on my own, at the time, I would have wanted us to spend time together as a family, not go away without the man me and the kids hadn't seen for months and months on end.

I get it might work for some but for me to feel like that would mean that I had passed the point of no return.

I feel you OP.

The question I have though, is when he's home, does he pick up the slack off you? Take on some of the responsibility?

I think that's what makes the difference.

My dp rung me last week to tell me he had good news... he was due home on the 8th November. But the good news was that he's now not home until the 20th. But they are sailing into a port he's never had a night out in before!

I've worked the last five weekends. Work is horrifically horrible atm, I'm crying after every shift and keeping on top of everything at home,

He sends me flowers whilst he's away and we talk and text daily if WiFi signal allows.

But. I know when he's home he will definitely pick up the slack! So it helps keep my rage in check 🙈