Need advice unpicking some emotions from people who have partners who works away from home for long periods of time.

[Loopylemons]

I have NC’d for this but a regular.

DH is in the Forces and has been our entire married life (almost 17 years) we are in our early 40’s and have 3 DC.

For best part, it’s been an excellent career for DH and for us as a family. Job stability meant that I could stay at home with the DC when they were little and whilst there were obviously long periods where he has been away and missed out on special moments he has always had really good leave which meant lots of family time when he is home.

I would however be lying if I said there wasn’t any resentment from time to time, mostly when DC were little, we only have 4 years between the 3 of them and I found being stuck at home with a newborn and two small children challenging especially when he would escape to another city for a long weekend with one scheduled meeting and being wined and dined for the rest of it and call it “forced fun”

I won’t say exactly what DH does but when he is operational it means that he uncontactable and is on a constant 8 hours on/8 hours off and this can be for months on end. This is when we work the best, we have learned to compartmentalise well. He gets his head down, I put him in his little away box and get my head down and we soldier on and then let it all out when he gets back and have wonderful life.

However, this is not the only part to DH’s job, like many he has courses, different types of duties, a good chunk of admin, and also, where we are at the moment” stints abroad.

My life is busy, work, 3 teenage DC, the house, a hobby/lifestyle that involves a lot work and everything else that goes with family life. DH has been operational for 6 weeks, we hadn’t spoke to him in that time and has just arrived where he is going to be for the next few months, which takes you to where we are now…

I literally want to stab him in the head, with a blunt knitting needle! Absolutely EVERYTHING he is doing is annoying me and I honestly not sure if will make this entire trip without imploding…

It started off the 1st day he arrived. A text to say “I’m here” “working tonight” (which means no signal) but will call 1st thing tomorrow, no usual “love you!” but put it down to him being tired and busy and on the whole was glad to hear from him.

Day 2 a message from him on transport to a stunning hotel, picture of beer in hand, a video of hotel suite, I asked him to call, which he did (10 minutes we got) of how amazing everything was, that his plan was beer, food rugby and a quick “How’s things back home?” Two DC out with friends so had a few minutes talk him youngest DD, yesterday was day 6 and I had to remind him to call the other children.

Since them there has been a steady stream or nights out, dinners, beach days, sniggers of the weather back home…

I would liken the way he is being to what you might be like to a work colleagues or mate back home when on holiday, a bit smug and braggy certainly no, reassurance of I miss you all and I’d rather be at home.

I literally can’t be bother engaging with him at all, he’s not really scratched below the surface of what’s going on at home or really made an effort to find out how we all are as I suspect he doesn’t really want anything to burst his little no worry bachelor bubble…

Even the way he communicates is annoying me, yesterday’s being the icing on the cake, do you think you could phone them kids? Oh yes no worries, it’s a chill day today so that would be great” 🤬🤬🤬

Whats niggling at me is that in previous arguments when away, I would get angry or upset, we’d argue, he’d sometimes apologise, I’d sometimes apologise but we would at least communicate. All I can muster at the money is a thumbs up or “ok” and for the 1st time ever last night when he phoned the DC I told them to take the phone upstairs and pretended to asleep when he messaged after to ask if I was around and I can’t quite work it out in my head why. He is now over communicating with me more “Hi how are you” or “that’s me finished work” “It’s colder today” amongst other mundane comments as he knows something isn’t right and I just want to scream “I DONT FUCKING CARE”

We are not new to this, I don’t grudge him living while we are apart but I also know that every single thing he says is making me furious and my anxiety is so much higher that what it was before he arrived. I also know that we have another couple of months of this and it’s not doing us any favours carrying on the way we are.

I’d like you to ask that if you’re not living or have experience of our lifestyle not to judge. It’s one of these situations that you can’t fully understand if you’ve not been there but for anyone that has can you help me unpick…

It feels like to me:

Ok I KNOW when you go away I’m holding the fort. But you show no sign that you miss us or care and you’ve made up some story about how it’s going to be terrible and then it patently isn’t and you’re rubbing my nose in it.

If you are missing us, and it’s a gilded cage (as is sometimes the case) then tell me and at least I will feel a little empathy because homesickness is shit. If you don’t miss us and are having a fucking marvellous time then you KNOW how I feel and I don’t want to hear it.

Mine has just been away for 4 months.

Your age might be a factor too. Or accumulated stress & burn out with an added helping of him ladling on a lack of respect.

I used to do everything. As I've got older, I look back & wonder. I haven't got the words but think the ability to cope with shit treatment gets less over time.

My DH is now retired & moaning like hell about all the house admin & work. I do point out I used to do it all but I think he lacked respect for house stuff more than I realised at the time.

My dh worked away for 2 years on a mostly 2week away/ 2 week at home rota. When at home he would have a few days off then was in the local office. There was resentment from my part, at home working FT with dc and dog, no family around. Dh in lovely hotels, cooked meals, free drinks, Laundry service etc. eventually we had a heart to heart and decided that our marriage and family life was more important than his career. He got a local job (still some shifts involved) but family life is 100% better.

Thanks everyone lots of things to consider here, it’s actually really helping, certainly making me feel like it’s more a him caused problem than mine.

He is great at home, he’s really involved in our DC’s sport/hobby and the work that comes with it, not usually dad based world. He does most of the cooking, bills, he is kind and fun.

We have a really busy life, the kind where you get to the end of the week and are both like how did we get through that. We talk often about how it definitely needs both of us make things and run properly but yet when he leaves there is no consideration of how the balance must now be tipped.

I touched in my op about us being good at compartmentalising but I been thinking about this a lot since I posted, this is fine and easier when he is operational because it feels fair but when it comes to times like this when he is basically just living his best life without giving two shits how we all are it feels like a big old cop out.

The generic, surface deep daily “How’s thing's back home” makes me want to pull my eyeballs out!

Sounds like you have to have a chat.

You either need more help at home if life is run at a pace 2 people need to be present all the time or have less going on overall. Plus a bit more care of your feelings.

If you're getting to the point where you don't care or are feeling indifferent, then it is fairly urgent to address.

@Spottywombat has summed up the salient points well.