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Original poster

How would you feel in this situation?

28 replies

WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 12:41

This isn't an imminent problem but one that I've been thinking about for a while and one I'd like to be clear about before it comes up.

My partner and I are in our 40s/50s and have been together for a couple of years. We met through a hobby few years ago. He did this hobby with some friends.

One of the men is one of his oldest friends of 30+ years.

We have discussed getting married in the future. This man would be his natural choice as Best Man. My partner would want him to be invited at the very least and has said as much.

The problem is that this man really doesn't like me. We used to get on well enough but there was a bit of an issue last year, I stood up for myself, he didn't like it and refused to discuss it with me so that we could resolve it.

To begin with, when we bumped into him, we'd say hi and be civil but the last few times I've seen him, he has completely blanked me. I even tried speaking to him last time - just a How's it going? and he totally ignored me.

Their friendship has dwindled in recent months because of this. They still get on fine but they rarely see each other anymore. That's not because of me - the issue is between me and him I don't expect my partner to get involved but it is because of me because their friendship wouldn't have changed if it hadn't been for the falling out.

However, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him being at my wedding if we were to marry. I don't want him to be invited.

Is that wrong of me?

OP posts:
dicedicebaby · 31/10/2023 12:43

No, I wouldn't want him there either.

Singsonggsu · 31/10/2023 12:45

You can’t be expected to like all your DPs friends as they do. But I do think you’re getting yourself in a twist about something that may never even happen. It is also wrong for you to state you don’t want him invited. It would be your DPs wedding too. Maybe you have upset his friend much more than you realise?

Toddler101 · 31/10/2023 12:45

Are you engaged currently? Wedding booked? If not I'd worry about it then later down the line. Your relationship might have mended itself by then, I'd carry on trying to that end.

flufferknutter · 31/10/2023 12:45

No, he can't be best man. He doesn't respect you and shouldn't even be at the wedding as it will cause ill feelings.

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 12:47

Thank you. I can be a bit black and white about things so I wanted to see if this was another example of this.

Tbh, when my partner said he'd want to invite this man, it was still at the stage of us being civil at least and whilst I wouldn't have been overjoyed with him being there, I'd have tolerated it for their friendship.

But now that he just ignores me completely, I feel more strongly about it.

I think my partner would go with whatever I wanted but I need to know whether that would be an unreasonable stipulation or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 12:50

Singsonggsu · 31/10/2023 12:45

You can’t be expected to like all your DPs friends as they do. But I do think you’re getting yourself in a twist about something that may never even happen. It is also wrong for you to state you don’t want him invited. It would be your DPs wedding too. Maybe you have upset his friend much more than you realise?

I don't want to get into details but he was in the wrong. He involved himself in something that was nothing to do with him and made judgements without being in possession of the full facts.

All I said at the time was that he wasn't in possession of the full facts and I'd rather he didn't get involved.

That's what he didnt like. He's not really in a position to be upset tbh.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 31/10/2023 12:51

A person who can't be civil to the bride can't be best man.

This is not your fault, it is his fault - he's the one who won't speak to you!

Has your DP discussed wtf is going on with this 'friend'? I am pleased to hear your DP is not pretending nothing is wrong.

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 12:53

Toddler101 · 31/10/2023 12:45

Are you engaged currently? Wedding booked? If not I'd worry about it then later down the line. Your relationship might have mended itself by then, I'd carry on trying to that end.

I don't see him often enough for the relationship to be repaired. And he ignores me so no chance of that happening.

No, the wedding isn't booked and we've made a decision to marry in a couple of years.

But I'd rather be clear about my position so that, when it does come up, I can be clear about it. I'm not worrying about it but whenever getting married comes up, it pops into my head. I suspect my partner knows it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 13:20

Has your DP discussed wtf is going on with this 'friend'? I am pleased to hear your DP is not pretending nothing is wrong.

No. He hasn't been discussed recently. My partner isn't very happy with him but they've been friends a long time and the friendship is still there.

He initially said that he didn't want to be put in a position where he had to choose between me and his oldest friend. He later said that, if he had to choose, then he'd choose me because his friend was in the wrong.

I'd rather his friend was just civil towards me and the whole thing could be put behind us.

The last time we saw him was a couple of weeks ago. He was fine with my partner. But I don't even tell him his friend ignored me when I spoke to him and blanked me. Partly because it feels so childish and partly because I don't want to influence his opinion of him in any way.

It just seems so ridiculous. When it first happened, I messaged this man (with my partner's knowledge) and offere__d to meet him to sort it out and he refused and said he wouldn't be discussing anything with me.

I think it's caused bad feeling between them too. On my partner's side because he was shocked his friend reacted like that and on his friend's side because he believes my partner has allowed a woman to come between them.

I don't feel there's anything else I can do.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 31/10/2023 13:26

The last time we saw him was a couple of weeks ago. He was fine with my partner. But I don't even tell him his friend ignored me when I spoke to him and blanked me. Partly because it feels so childish and partly because I don't want to influence his opinion of him in any way.

I think you must be honest with your partner. This man's actions are not your fault. You can explain without being disparaging.

Would a non-traditional wedding be an option? So no best man and no giving away, to sidestep the matter?

MidnightOnceMore · 31/10/2023 13:28

on his friend's side because he believes my partner has allowed a woman to come between them This is misogyny, not friendship. You haven't come between them, his own behaviour has.

Have neither of them been married before?

JanefromLondon1 · 31/10/2023 13:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

RunningFromInsanity · 31/10/2023 13:30

It’s not just your wedding. It would be your husbands wedding too.
The best man doesn’t really have any interaction with the bride tbh so I think for you partner I would suck it up.

SarahLKelp · 31/10/2023 13:31

I wouldn't have him there.

Smartstuffed · 31/10/2023 13:32

I was going to suggest clearing the air with his friend but see that you've tried and been rebuffed...

I would not be worrying at the moment about this man being best man. Suspect that your partner would not inflict that on you on your wedding day. And yes it is a day for the both of you but hopefully not at the expense of the peace of mind of either bride or groom.

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 13:33

Tbh, we'll probably go for a less traditional approach anyway.

It's more the discomfort I feel at wanting to veto his oldest friend being invited but also knowing that I don't want him there.

The Best Man issue isn't really the biggest thing.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 13:36

Sorry, edited as you'd mentioned his age in the OP.

Is his friend married or in a relationship?

Mossstitch · 31/10/2023 13:37

Go to Gretna Green and get married just the two of you or a beach one abroad and have a lovely holiday........problem solved no best man required!

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 13:43

Oh we're thinking about something non traditional and fun anyway but this man would be notable by his absence too given the length of the friendship.

Questions would be asked. My partner has a lot of friends who've all known each other for a long time. Which I suppose adds to the complication. People would notice he wasn't there and be surprised by that.

It wouldn't be a big thing but we'd want closest friends and family there.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 13:45

OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 13:36

Sorry, edited as you'd mentioned his age in the OP.

Is his friend married or in a relationship?

Edited

His friend's been married for nearly 30 years.

OP posts:
Megapint · 31/10/2023 13:45

I've been married 30+ yrs,Dh has had the same best mate since school. I don't like him, he doesn't like me. We stay out of each other's way & we are civil when we need to be. He was best man at our wedding & I really didn't interact with him. It didn't cause an issue.

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 14:21

This man can't be civil to me though.
If we'd just never really got on or gelled then it would be different. But we've all been away for the weekend together previously. We used to get on.

But was rude to me, dismissed me and then told me he had no interest in speaking to me when I tried to address it. This isn't as neutral as we just don't particularly like each other.

But again, this is why I asked because my gut feeling right now is if he goes, I won't. But I don't know if I'd feel differently on the day. Surely he wouldn't ignore me the whole day?

I can tolerate him being there on neutral occasions but it wouldn't be neutral.

It's all academic at this stage I know but still.

OP posts:
JanefromLondon1 · 31/10/2023 15:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

VeridicalVagabond · 31/10/2023 16:19

He sounds like a teenager, what kind of adult can't just resolve issues and then be civil? Fancy blanking you! Feel bad for his wife!

I wouldn't invite him to your hypothetical wedding OP unless he can grow up, grow a pair, clear the air with you and act like a grown up!

Original poster
WhatToDoAboutThisQuandry · 31/10/2023 16:47

Well, not unaninous but a majority and that's put my mind at rest

Thank you.

OP posts: