DH’s when DW is poorly? What is yours like?

[Paynefully]

I don’t know if I’m just being a bit spoiled or expecting too much. But I’ve just spent 24hoirs in a hospital waiting room barely being seen for agonising pain in my shoulder/collar bone and right abdomen. When I was seen the doctor did some poking around and suspected I have a gallbladder infection. I went for a scan this morning and that was clear so they’re unsure of what’s wrong with me and sent me home with morphine and antibiotics just in case.

DH has been brilliant, he’s done everything while I’ve rested on the sofa so far, he took DS to nursery this morning and stayed with me at the hospital while waiting for results.

But now we’re home and I’ve had a ‘all clear’ for gallstones/gallbladder infection I can tell DH wants me to get up and cook tea, help the kids get to bed ect. I feel bad because I obviously want to help him but I feel absolutely horrendous. I am completely wiped out, pretty sure I’m high on morphine too as I keep semi falling asleep but I’m aware of my surrounding I just feel asleep but awake.

I still have considerably high pain in my abdomen but because there’s no ‘reason’ for it I feel like he thinks I’m just milking it or being lazy. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell he’s stressed. - I just feel a little bit annoyed because I work from home with the kids everyday which is pretty stressful, and he was super reluctant to have a day off for me today. He doesn’t want to take another day off tomorrow but I just don’t know how I’m going to manage when the pain is so severe I can’t take a proper breath.

Am I just being a bit of a princess? :( I don’t want to make DH feel like crap and I don’t really want him to be stressed, but how do I manage on my own?

I have had three sets of surgery since we've been together (I hadn't realised that until I typed it and am a bit shocked by it, it seems excessive although one was tonsils and one was a C-section). He was great. He did push me to get up after I broke my leg but looking back he was actually just pushing me to do what the physio wanted me to do so I can't really complain about that.

As for your DH - I only learned very recently (through a shedload of therapy) to let the adults around me use their words. DH may secretly think you're milking it or he may just be very stressed about being solely in charge. Both of these positions are a bit ridiculous for a grown man, but they're probably a product of him just being anxious that you're not well and wishing you were better.

It's likely that he's well aware of that which is why he hasn't said anything.

If he's not saying you're milking it, leave him to manage whatever conflicted feelings he has and concentrate on getting well. That is objectively what you should be doing for everyone's sake.

If he gets to a point where he does say something along the lines of what you suspect he's thinking, you can point out to him that they do not send people home with morphine for shits and giggles (speaking as someone who got sent home with paracetamol and ibuprofen ten days after sustaining a nasty fracture) and suggest he talks to your GP if he thinks that you're malingering.

Otherwise, as I say, take your time and get well.

PS I feel compelled to point out that after a day of ibuprofen and paracetamol I phoned my GP and asked if it was normal to sob with pain every time I tried to move and she said that it certainly wasn't and prescribed me some much stronger stuff. But my point is that doctors don't prescribe these drugs to people they think are malingering.

I’m not sure you’ve ever fern in the receiving end of ‘that’s enough now. Just get in with it’ vibes….

I have. Unfortunately often. Fir a chronic condition that disabled me.
It wasn’t being worried about me. People who are worried don’t act like this. Believe me. It’s very different to be stressed because his partner is unwell and to be stressed because he has to deal with the dcs etc… on your own and he doesn’t want to.

@Paynefully how are things today? Has the pain calmed down a bit?

My DH & DSS recently picked me up from an unexpected overnight stay in hospital & on appearing in the ward to collect me the first thing he asked was what was the plan for dinner!

My DH is a bit like this, great at first but then sympathy wanes when he gets tired of steering the shop. Tbh I do have sympathy because I feel similarly when he is ill, it is hard on your own, but need to try and be understanding.

I've not been on the end of them, but I've given them off.

DP suffers from chronic migraines, and a few years ago spent pretty much 8 months in bed with a related condition.

When she gets a run of them, then I get worried about her. And yes, I get frustrated, that we can't go do something we've planned, or that I have to do all of the housework for a fortnight, or rearrange things to look after her. But mostly its frustration that I can't just bloody fix it for her, and worry that it's going to get worse.

I try not to let it show, because it doesn't help and it's not aimed at her at all, it's frustration with the situation. But sometimes it bleeds through, and she apologises to me for feeling ill, and I have to reassure her that it's not about her.

I'm not saying that OPs DP isn't frustrated with the fact he's doing stuff he doesn't want to, I'm saying that she's reading that into the situation, and communicating about it would be the better option.

Mine’s bloody awful, usually completely ignores me but expects nothing to stop me cooking etc.
when I had Covid I spent 4 days in bed with a bottle of water and a packet of biscuits that I fetched from the kitchen.

Jesus Hopingforbetterluck

I would leave someone who treated me like that!

Then you and her dh should start with communicating better yourself and actually tell all the stuff you’ve written to your dwife

Because it is nit ok to end up
in a situation where the person been ill is apologising for being ill!!!
thats shit and you know it.

So instead of putting the blame on your dwife and the OP for ‘not communicating’ well enough when they are not in a position to do so (you know because of the pain and medication etc…), maybe you should put your own house in order first.

Also a bit of empathy on how hard it is to be ill and in pain wouldn’t go amiss tbhYou know like worrying you ate going to spend years with awful pain and nothing the doctors do will work for you.