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Original poster

DH’s when DW is poorly? What is yours like?

60 replies

Paynefully · 30/10/2023 18:30

I don’t know if I’m just being a bit spoiled or expecting too much. But I’ve just spent 24hoirs in a hospital waiting room barely being seen for agonising pain in my shoulder/collar bone and right abdomen. When I was seen the doctor did some poking around and suspected I have a gallbladder infection. I went for a scan this morning and that was clear so they’re unsure of what’s wrong with me and sent me home with morphine and antibiotics just in case.

DH has been brilliant, he’s done everything while I’ve rested on the sofa so far, he took DS to nursery this morning and stayed with me at the hospital while waiting for results.

But now we’re home and I’ve had a ‘all clear’ for gallstones/gallbladder infection I can tell DH wants me to get up and cook tea, help the kids get to bed ect. I feel bad because I obviously want to help him but I feel absolutely horrendous. I am completely wiped out, pretty sure I’m high on morphine too as I keep semi falling asleep but I’m aware of my surrounding I just feel asleep but awake.

I still have considerably high pain in my abdomen but because there’s no ‘reason’ for it I feel like he thinks I’m just milking it or being lazy. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell he’s stressed. - I just feel a little bit annoyed because I work from home with the kids everyday which is pretty stressful, and he was super reluctant to have a day off for me today. He doesn’t want to take another day off tomorrow but I just don’t know how I’m going to manage when the pain is so severe I can’t take a proper breath.

Am I just being a bit of a princess? :( I don’t want to make DH feel like crap and I don’t really want him to be stressed, but how do I manage on my own?

OP posts:

ShutTheDoorBabe · 30/10/2023 21:25

When I had gallbladder pain, dh held me at the doctor's while I was doubled over in pain. He went to collect my prescription and came with me to as many appointments as he could.

I am crap at being poorly and do his head in but he does look after me when I am properly ill. That's what a partner should do, isn't it?

alloalloallo · 30/10/2023 21:29

Mine is competitive. Whenever I’m ill/injured/whatever, he’ll have something 10 times worse.

I currently have frozen shoulder and am carrying on as usual, but there are some things I can’t do and he’s having to help me. He now has a pain in his neck and both shoulders 🙄

He will look after me, get drinks, cook dinner, etc, but it doesn’t last very long before he’s dying of the flu or something.

I hope you feel better soon!

Milliemoos5 · 30/10/2023 21:29

These messages 🤦‍♀️ makes me so glad I’m single. Revolting men…

Interested in this thread?

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General health

BHRK · 30/10/2023 21:29

My DH is good and kind.
your DH sounds mean. Ignore him and stay where you are

Dacadactyl · 30/10/2023 21:31

My DH will look after the kids, do the cooking and any housework that needs doing...but he totally forgets about me, so if I didn't bang on the bedroom floor with my foot for attention, I'd starve to death upstairs.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 30/10/2023 21:35

Your DH is a twat sorry.

The fact the gallbladder is all fine doesn’t mean you are not in pain. If it was the case, they wouldn’t have given you morphine!!
And you certainly are not able to look after tte dcs. The medication itself makes it dangerous.
YOU ARE NOT A PRINCESS.

Now if your DH thinks you are milking it, he is a twat.p who doesn’t even believe his own wife telling him she is in pain.
If he has an issue with ‘doing it all’ fir more than one day, he clearly 1- has no experience if parenting his own dcs, 2- has taken you for granted for far too long 3- is a very poor parent and partner.

Now, I think you should take a leaf from his book. I’m sure that when he is ‘poorly’, he is staying in bed and doesn’t come out until he us actually better. He is expecting you to bring him cups if tea, food and to be able to rest.
Do the same!! You deserve it just as much as he does.

Hopingforbetterluck · 30/10/2023 21:35

DH is actually quite horrible to me when I’m ill as though I’m hugely inconveniencing him. I had a fever and felt pretty rubbish on Saturday. I felt too poorly to do the washing up from the kids tea and went to bed straight after putting the baby to bed. I got up with the baby the next morning even though I’d been awake shivering and sweating all night and noticed DH had left the kitchen a bomb site and hadn’t even done the washing up. I said to him couldn’t you have least washed up? To which he replied why would I, it was nothing to do with me.

I then dragged myself out pumpkin picking with our toddler as I didn’t want to let him down, had the baby strapped to me and felt pretty dizzy and unwell. The toddler had a minor meltdown about something and DH stomped off for a walk on his own and left me with both kids as he couldn’t be dealing with it. when he found us later plonked a coffee down in front of me and said there, not that you deserve it, I hope you f@:/king choke on it. Nice.

nomoresnacks · 30/10/2023 21:36

Pretty mean to be honest. Makes out that I can't be that sick. Was v ill with Covid and he was utterly furious.

I remember being discharged from hospital and my mum bringing me back home and he asked grumpily what was for tea

He's ill now and complains I'm not sympathetic. I find it really hard to be

reluctantbrit · 30/10/2023 21:36

Because I travelled for work a lot when DD was 1.5 - 4 years DH is used to do things on his own and that also includes when I am ill.

Only drawback - he is not the best when it comes to feed me, I often have to ask for food/drinks outside of the 3 main meals but I assume the main reason is that he hates eating/drinking when ill and just thinks everyone is the same. I normally force him to drink.

I may get ask where certain stuff is or timing of things I normally do but only so he can do it himself.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 30/10/2023 21:41

Btw @Paynefully there clearly is a lot if men who thinks it’s really not fair their favourite appliance is broken. And that they are entitled to be awful to their partner because she dares being ill.

Please do NOT think that it means you have to accept it.
Don’t push yourself to still do things ‘because otherwise he will be stressed’.

I appreciate now isnt the time when you feel like fighting and standing your ground. But really, there is no reason why you should accept this behaviour.
Could you go some family until you have recovered more/they have found what’s going on?

Kittycat43 · 30/10/2023 21:43

@Hopingforbetterluck Why do we put up with these awful men? I'd have thrown the coffee at him. Arsehole

UndercoverCop · 30/10/2023 21:47

What scan did you have? I'm having my gall bladder out this week and my first scan was 'clear' , second one wasn't and it turned out there was a miscommunication in the hospital notes and they didn't scan my gallbladder

CoatesCat · 30/10/2023 21:49

Has he actually asked you to do anything? You said you "can tell"and you "feel like". Just ignore the vibes if that's what you are picking up on. He knows he can't ask you so he's waiting till you feel guilty and take it upon yourself. And if he does directly ask just say no I can't do anything.

catwithnocream · 30/10/2023 21:50

@Paynefully your symptoms sound like ectopic pregnancy

ohme · 30/10/2023 21:54

Mine is good, just as well as I have had many periods of being quite unwell over the years.

gamerchick · 30/10/2023 21:54

Yeah I was wondering if they did a pregnancy test at the hospital OP. None of this sounds right, something is going on.

Hopingforbetterluck · 30/10/2023 21:57

@Kittycat43 I’ve no idea. It astounds me that they can treat anyone like that, let alone someone they’re supposed to care about. I’d have thrown the coffee in his face but I didn’t want to ruin my three year olds day.

Nutsabouttopic · 30/10/2023 21:58

@Paynefully I had a scan for my gallbladder on a Thursday and was given the all clear. The following Thursday I ended up in hospital for a week. I had a MRI and it showed that my gallbladder was " chock o block full of stones". Can you ask for further investigations

Weatherwax13 · 30/10/2023 21:58

This is one area my H is excellent in. I'm currently laid up after surgery and I haven't lifted a finger in a week.
But he doesn't deserve praise for being lovely when I'm in pain.
Because I'd do exactly the same for him. Because we're partners. It's not a high bar to expect patience and kindness.
I think many blokes' true nasty streak comes out when their partner is vulnerable.
They're not the centre of the universe - or god forbid they're expected to pick up the slack.
It must be an awful when you're a woman dealing with physical illness combined with a heavy layer of mental distress caused by her H.
Men can be fucking detestable.

Bobbotgegrinch · 30/10/2023 21:59

It doesn't sound like he's actually asked you to do anything OP?

He's allowed to feel stressed out, given that you're ill and they don't know what's wrong with you, he's probably worried sick.

Are you sure you're not mistaking the cause of his stress. He probably is wishing you were better, but not to help, but just so that you are healthy.

Codlingmoths · 30/10/2023 22:01

He was shit even after I told him and told him it’s not ok so I said our marriage was over then and he changed. I made myself guilt free take the recovery time I needed after that as if the only person in your marriage who has your back is you then you really have to have your own back!

henrysugar12 · 30/10/2023 22:02

Did they give you a pregnancy test? Pain in your shoulder can be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.

fukkingthreadworms · 30/10/2023 22:05

Generally quite good

Mariposista · 30/10/2023 22:08

In our house the problem isn't DH - it's me! I am the worst patient ever! I HATE being taken care of, fussed over, pawed at. I was standing in the kitchen, dripping sweat with fever and the room spinning (bad chest infection), and he kept saying 'go and lie down' and I only conceded when I actually couldn't stand up. The idea of lying about in bed while he does everything is a nightmare for me. Then I am self-employed - we do have a different mindset and tend to be tougher as we have to work unless we are covered in blood or unconscious!

mulberrybag · 30/10/2023 22:09

Second the other posted that suggested pleurisy - sounds v similar and feels utterly horrific but took a week to diagnose

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