Potentially stopping doing voluntary work

[allaloneandlost]

Backstory - Very quiet and introverted. No family. Difficult childhood. Zero community where I live. Made redundant after about 20 years in a nice workplace. During pandemic voluntary work closed. Friends and colleagues retreated into themselves and I stopped eventually when it became one-sided.

Started again using every bit of courage. Been doing some courses and got another job. Get on with them, nice people and made efforts but no friendship. Situational.

I wanted to volunteer for a certain charity for over 30 years in memory of the one lovely relative I had. I was too young to help them but wanted to help others. Every time I enquired there were no vacancies but then there were.

Started properly a year ago after months of training, chasing various people including Head Office for nearly a year for a DBS (all clear) and having six months probation. Very few people get that far.

Problem is it's a toxic antisocial environment. The trainer gave no real support or feedback. Hard from another volunteer I'd been successful!

Few pleasant enough people but 95% have been there years having agendas, are competitive, unapproachable, do hardly anything, cliquey and just turn up to gossip about each other. I'm there to help and don't get involved in that and just kept my head down more and more after being snubbed as a newcomer. I was horrified and am clearly naïve that a charity could be like this when you'd think they'd be kind, whatever their reason for being there. People are leaving and retiring so they need new volunteers who are made to feel unwelcome.

Too many chiefs yet no structure, pass the buck and ignore. The role is tough and that doesn't bother me but the lack of support and camaraderie does when you're dealing with things that can be distressing. You're totally on your own. I've had a few difficult situations and have be. If you reach out you get shut down.

I stopped going as it became too difficult and again, didn't know who to talk to and nobody's interested anyway. Two months later somebody emailed asking if there was anything they could do and they were looking forward to having me back. Very friendly email but I don't know them.

Emailed the director for a two month break which is ending shortly. I really wanted to do this but don't feel able to in this environment. I just feel like resigning but am really upset and feel very guilty when there's so many that need help yet, oh the irony!

No wonder there's a volunteer shortage and it's maddening when I have the resources. Could volunteer other places but after this and having been turned down a few times in the past I won't bother anymore. Better off sitting in front of the TV after work. Sad and lonely but at least you know where you stand and don't get messed about.

Sorry for essay but needed a vent and nobody to talk to. Hope nobody else has experienced but experience says different

If that organisation doesn't suit you, find another - don't overthink it. You may need to try a few because anything volunteer based tends to be problematic!

It's so sad that you've reached this point.

As you don't intend to return, would you consider putting in writing the reasons why and send it to someone senior. No need to name people but just give examples of the shitty behaviour you had to put up with.

Either the seniors already know it's a toxic environment and have no intention of doing anything about it, or your letter might make a difference.

I hope you find something more suitable.

I would move on but send a factual email explaining why you won't be returning. My mum volunteered for years at a hospice but got frustrated by the paid staff downing tools when the volunteers were there and being treated like she was something on the bottom of their shoe. Another charity would love to have you if you can find the right one. How about a local one that is much smaller?

I stopped volunteering. The trouble is that very paid staff seem to be reluctant to have a word with the toxic individuals. I actually heard a volunteer in one organisation that I worked for (paid) say to a manager that she wasn't one of his paid minions. True but an unfortunate way of putting it.

Most recently for a different international charity, I did six months training, including an extra highly specialised module that hardly anyone had done before. Then another long-serving volunteer stamped all over the tasks for which I was supposed be responsible, the management backed her not me, so that left me no option but to resign. I was devastated. I had wanted to do this particular rôle for years.

I agree with @Ragwort , @Judashascomeintosomemoney - you will be helping the charity in a different way if you can get this 'lack of welcome' atmosphere changed. I'm glad you've decided to e-mail.

I also agree with others that you shouldn't let this difficult experience tar your image of all volunteering though. I've spent a lifetime volunteering. Nobody is going to say there haven't been frustrations, or challenges dealing with different people over the years, but remember it is them with the problem. Overwhelmingly though, I get so much from volunteering.
Friendships, satisfaction, a sense of doing something worthwhile, yes, but overall fun, and laughter.
Up to you of course, but I'd recommend you offer your time somewhere else. But do it by doing something you enjoy, rather than out of some feeling that you "ought to" do this because of the misplaced guilt you've been carrying all these years.

Thanks again for the replies.

Yes sad it's problematic when people try and help then get discouraged but good point!

Definitely emailing them to let them know it's been difficult being excluded, hearing malicious gossip and being belittled and shouted at, whereas feedback and guidance would have been useful. As would knowing who to speak to if needed. They know it goes on but is an ingrained culture and others have left.

Sorry it's happened to others especially when so much training and effort's gone in and to those it would have helped. There's been so many cutbacks that the volunteer sector's more and more replied on. Without that....

Hope those of you who have stopped find something else. Must be so nice to not only be able to do something worthwhile but also find a few friends and have a laugh :)

What an awful, unkind response when the OP is clearly feeling upset. And the first response she got too!

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP- you’ve been there a while now so if I were you I’d resign but I’d look for something else that you’re interested in. You sound like you want to do something more but feel downtrodden with this experience. Please try not to let it put you off, volunteering is such a selfless thing to do.

I’ve volunteered in a few places. I’ve found it’s easier and works better if it’s an organisation you are already familiar with or you get involved because you already know people there - so I volunteer at my children’s school, their sports clubs, various things through the church we go to… It tends to mean you already know the culture a bit, “how things work” and some of the people. I’ve always been really happy doing what I do and felt valued and appreciated. Do you have any similar connections?

I agree.
Volunteering can be hard and thankless.
I used to be in St John Ambulance. Lovely, worthy and useful. Also full of weirdos.
Now I volunteer in Scouts. Also lovely. Also very fulfilling. Also filled with total weirdos.
It's OK for me as I'm an extrovert. And I realise that I'm not completely unweird myself.
But I recognise everything you say. So, how much are you willing to forgive and live with? When you hit your boundaries, move on.

In our mind, we often see charities as charitable and we associate them with the disease or cause they support. Often, they are money-making machines, and quite aggressive in their work environment.
There might be other ways you can support your interest, creating or moderating a support group on FB for example or taking part in events.

Don't moan or rant in your email. Just say, circumstances have changed and that you are unable to volunteer for the next few months.

Airing your thoughts or concerns or reporting the negative interactions will have zero effects and might actually harm you, because you built expectations that won't be met.

Move away from them.

@Fahhgedaboutit thanks so much and for those of you that mentioned the first post. Just didn't want to drip feed!

Thanks a lot. Will resign as it's like a toxic workforce. The whole culture needs to change or it'll just keep happening. Studying for another course and then will decide where to go from there.

Good idea to stick with who and what you know a bit to get the lay of the land. I don't know anybody who volunteers so it's been very much walking in not knowing!

Lovely to see some of you enjoying, albeit a mixed bag but then that's what can make volunteering so interesting. You're thrown with people you wouldn't have otherwise known. By the sounds it either really works or it doesn't!

The environment's too ingrained and isn't going to change because they don't want to. For reasons I can't quite understand it thrives on unpleasantness. The only thing I can think of it is most come to be able to mention volunteering at dinner parties and cheese and wine parties. To be better than those they're there to help. I find it all very unsavoury and also worrying it's allowed to go on.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time, OP.

My take is a bit different - I volunteer for a national museum and deliberately chose a large organisation so there would be a range of roles, good support, training, development etc. And I also chose something that wasn't too close to my heart. I care about it, and enjoy it, but I switch off at the end of my shift.

I've been doing if for ten years now, several different roles, also help with training and recruitment. And I can suit myself - if I like working Tuesday mornings solo, I sign up for those shifts. If I want to do a Saturday afternoon with a friend, I sign up for that. There is no pressure, and I've done some wonderful things and met some amazing people.

I think there is a real advantage in volunteering for a large organisation - mine has hundreds of volunteers across multiple sites - because it takes the personalities, the guilt-tripping, the emotion etc out of it.

Our city hospital (very new and large) has lots of volunteers. Talking to patients, wheeling their beds around to various locations. All stuff like this.
my friend does it. Maybe consider something more at the front end of volunteering? Do you get more instant satisfaction

I had a very similar experience. I was bullied based on race and never went back. It's sad because I believe in their cause so much, and things could really get done if they didn't treat people that way. They've made their own bed I suppose. I had a huge awakening in the pandemic and realized I was a giver surrounded by takers. Never again! My energy is for me and my children, no one else again. Unless it's an elderly neighbor or something like that.

I've worked in charities for many years and I actually manage volunteers in my role.

Unfortunately most of the charities I've worked for have had very toxic cultures for one reason or another; I don't know what it is about the charity sector but there have been some absolutely awful managers and awful treatment of staff. It's ironic isn't it that charities are supposed to do good but don't necessarily walk the talk internally.

I do my best to support volunteers, thank them and show them that I value their contribution. It is tricky in the context of the pressures we are under (too much demand, not enough resource) and in the past there have been lots of bad decisions made by bad senior management that have had a negative impact on volunteers and caused lots of them to leave. I voiced my concerns as did colleagues but it fell on deaf ears and it's been sad to lose so many experienced and wonderful volunteers. Luckily there has been a change in a senior manager and the new one really values volunteers and has been a breath of fresh air tbh.

Anyway sorry for rambling. I just want to say I'm sorry you've been treated that way and it's definitely not you; it's them. I hope it hasn't put you off completely because you might find another organisation which is a happier place and a better fit for you. But I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted to take a break and do things for yourself for a bit.

I volunteered for a large charity in a role that required training and commitment. I had an amazing manager who really knew how to handle volunteers. The paid staff gave us so much respect . It was very enhancing for me and gave me confidence to apply for full time roles both there and elsewhere. Shame was in covid it all got disbanded. Several years on I am grateful for that experience and lead me to what I do now (paid) you do need to find the right fit.

How nice to find something worthwhile, enjoyable and interesting. Makes it so worth it. More opportunities in larger organisations but people can be a number, whereas smaller local places are maybe friendlier but less roles. Food for thought!

This is a large nationwide charity and seems like it's the branch that's the problem rather than the organisation at large. Other branches are an hour away and with having to do a weekly 4 hour shift, that's almost a full-time job on top of a full-time job.

Thanks for the ideas. A museum sounds fun and lots of nice interesting people. I did offer to help a cinema run by volunteers but no vacancies. I work for the NHS but could look into that as already in house. A lot of school leavers are doing voluntary NHS roles to gain experience of work and something for the C.V.

@junbean I'm so sorry and hope you complained. You're a great loss to them and other charities. Can't blame you.

Your local Parkrun might be needing volunteers on a Saturday morning, OP. If you have a local one, that is.

Litter picks can be quite sociable.

From my experience there is always some sort of office politics with some people, for me it was try to to my best for the charity as a whole and try to do good each day, for me it helps to be chatty but try not to be drawn in due to the ones that par take with gossip, hear all trust nothing.

How beautiful and kind that you have turned your own loss and helplessness as a small child into a desire to help others. I hope you find a place to volunteer that appreciates your decency and goodwill.

@AnotherEmma Thank you for what you do and showing appreciation. Everybody who works for or volunteers for a charity is valuable. Sad loads left but glad things are improving before it all falls apart.

It's baffling behaviour and the only explanation I can find is that some are on an ego trip, to look good and impress the neighbours type of thing whilst looking down on those who need help. A "we're better than them" situation. I've also heard some saying really unkind things about those we should be helping. No compassion at all which is awful. It begs the question why do they do it then?

I don't expect thanks although don't get me wrong, it's great if somebody says that. Just find the unkindness so awful!

@Quitelikeacatslife Great to hear positivity and people being appreciated that led to you getting a better opportunity. Yes, the pandemic stopped a lot that haven't started up and lost loads of volunteers.

@PastorCarrBonarra No Parkrun's but might look into something else in time as a litter pick sounds fun and unstructured, thanks!

@ACGTHelixA Sad it happens but best thing to stay out of it then you can't get implicated.

@greenhydrangea Thank you so so much for such a kind comment. What a brilliant person you are. So grateful for all the kindness people have shown on here.

Just hate the thought that somebody would feel the same and totally alone, and that was their best option. It isn't and would also hate for somebody else's relative to have to find them. If somebody might help just be listening to them it's worth it :)

I think these are both good options because they tend to be friendly, cheerful, positive groups. They achieve a specific goal on a given day, and nobody is under any pressure. Then they go to the cafe or pub.

Volunteering is often fraught because the people who volunteer are frequently doing so as much to meet their own needs (which may be complex) as to benefit the organisation or cause. This can give rise to disappointment on both sides when nobody's needs are fully met. You don't get that at parkrun .

You could always volunteer for something different instead.