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Original poster

Husband blames for stuff that is really just random life stuff.

65 replies

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:38

My husband was in the office today (I work for myself so always from home, while he has to go in a few times a month). I got up early along with him, made him some breakfast while he was getting showered and ready. When he came down he started complaining that he hadn't slept well, I remarked that I hadn't either, I was too hot and creeped out from a horror film we'd watched. He then said "It's eating too late at night, we had dinner too late then we ate chocolate and crisps too late" Essentially he is blaming me for making dinner too late but we ate at 7pm after he had suddenly wanted lunch at 4pm, which I made for him. I then had a cup of tea after dinner and a couple of chocolates as did he. He then also had a can of cola and polished off half a tub of pringles!

If anything has been keeping him up at night it was probably the cola and pringles!

The issue is that the minor argument that ensued has put me off kilter all day, I just feel upset about it. I feel like in moments like that when he is tired or things haven't gone to plan he needs to blame someone else and as I'm the only one here its me who gets the blame. Everybody has bad nights or feels tired at times, the bedroom was a bit hot or you had too much caffeine, shit happens!

He's always been like this, grumpily lashing out with blame, his whole family are like this and he is miles better than he used to be but when he is tired and grumpy he still does it. It just gets me down because their is no need for it. For my part, I probably get too upset about it when it should be water off a ducks back by now.

I just wish he's stop blaming me for things when it is just life, he's even blamed me for things that I wasn't even there to do or not do! I also wish it didn't throw me off kilter like this when he is like this.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 30/10/2023 13:42

I don't know if it is a male thing, but I do find that men feel that they have to blame someone else for everything.

I feel for you as my ex used to blame me for everything all the time.

My husband does it sometimes but he has got a lot better.

All you can do is point out to him but it was his decision to have a can and Pringles so late at night and it was him that had lunch so late.

Did you do that and what did he say?

MirandaGreenwood · 30/10/2023 13:44

"Yeah, you're probably right. What time will you be cooking for us tonight then to try and get a better night sleep? And I assume you won't be housing chocolates, pringles and a can of coke afterwards this time as well?"

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 30/10/2023 13:44

Well OP, did you hold him down and pour the offending snacks down his neck? Is the poor wee soul unable to start dinner such that he eats it earlier? And really, did you force him to wait until 4pm to eat lunch?

Though not. He is an adult. All those things which he blames for his sleepless night are within his control. I would be telling him so. He’s a man child.

And you clearly know this, but his unpleasant moods are not on you. Maybe some online CBT or mindfulness would help you gain resilience.

Londonscallingme · 30/10/2023 13:47

I can appreciate this must be annoying, especially if it’s recurring but you know it’s not your fault so don’t accept the premise, or the blame;

”yeah, maybe the Pringles and coke you had late didn’t help. If you’d like to eat dinner earlier tonight I’m happy to do that. You just need to stick it on a bit earlier, maybe so it’s ready for 6pm?”

Almondmum · 30/10/2023 13:48

Is he blaming you though?

He's saying you both ate dinner later than normal and had snacks after.

I wouldn't have taken that as being my fault even if I'd cooked.

Who suggested the film and likes the room warm? Could he equally feel you're blaming him?

McQueensMuse · 30/10/2023 13:49

Whilst I do get where you are coming from, If those were his actual words, Are you sure he was blaming you?

Any chance he was just stating the cause and knows full well he ate later because he decided to have a late lunch?

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:50

@IMustDoMoreExercise Thanks, I think it is a male thing although all his family do it to some extent, his mum once cut herself prepping dinner and was angry at his sister because she was distracted by what she thought was his sister coming up the path while she chopped veg, it wasn't the sister but a delivery for a neighbour but his mum still blamed her daughter even though she wasn't even there!

I did say to him that it was probably the cola and he said I'd put in in the fridge for him, which I did but I'd never drink cola past 7pm myself and normally he wouldn't, I thought he'd have it while watching the football earlier. He was sulking by then and said we had to hurry up and get him ready to leave or he'd miss the train.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 30/10/2023 13:52

Not a male thing. My SIL is terrible for this. Everything is always someone's else's fault even when there is no need to allocate blame.

Sounds like he's just having a grumble OP, I would ignore it. Why do you not share the meal prep? That's more of a problem imo.

Sidebeforeself · 30/10/2023 13:53

Yes I wouldn’t take it as blaming you . It’s the sort of thing I would say but I wouldn’t mean it was anyone’s fault. Just “ oh why do we do this to ourselves?”

Ragwort · 30/10/2023 13:53

Good grief he sounds like a big baby ... why do you have to hurry up and get him ready ... is he still going to school? Hmm.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2023 13:53

Challenge his right to use you as his emotional garbage can every single time.

Don't engage with the subject at hand (whatever specific thing he's blaming you for). Get down to the core of the problem.
"Are you saying it's my fault that X, Y, or Z happened? Can you explain your reasoning if so?"

spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/10/2023 13:55

Is this him grumpily lashing out? Unless I missed something he just said why he thought he hadn’t slept (which you then story topped by saying you didn’t either). Was it the tone? Was there door slamming and shouting? Otherwise it does seem a very minor conversation to be dwelling on.

Velvian · 30/10/2023 13:56

You had to hurry up and get him ready? Jeez. He sounds like the 'full assistance ' man. There was a thread from a woman looking after her babies/toddlers and her DH informed her that ge would require her "full assistance ' to get out the door to work a bit early the next day.

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:57

Almondmum · 30/10/2023 13:48

Is he blaming you though?

He's saying you both ate dinner later than normal and had snacks after.

I wouldn't have taken that as being my fault even if I'd cooked.

Who suggested the film and likes the room warm? Could he equally feel you're blaming him?

So I picked the film, I'm the one that gets spooked by such things so that's on me. The bedroom being warm is just that it is unseasonably warm here at the moment. I accept that sometimes you don't sleep as well as you normally do for whatever reason. For him to get a bad night is like a major catastrophe, even though he normally sleeps well.

I can tell he was blaming me because of his general demeanour and tone of voice when he said it. He was watching the Man U - Man City game I made him lunch, then I think he feels I should have jumped up as soon as I'd finished my tea and started making the dinner so it would be ready for the game finishing. I wasn't hungry after the later lunch he requested, dinner would have been earlier if he could have waited. Also 7pm for us having dinner is normal, his snacking is on him but he chose to make it about the dinner being late, i.e. the think I was responsible for.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 30/10/2023 14:00

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:50

@IMustDoMoreExercise Thanks, I think it is a male thing although all his family do it to some extent, his mum once cut herself prepping dinner and was angry at his sister because she was distracted by what she thought was his sister coming up the path while she chopped veg, it wasn't the sister but a delivery for a neighbour but his mum still blamed her daughter even though she wasn't even there!

I did say to him that it was probably the cola and he said I'd put in in the fridge for him, which I did but I'd never drink cola past 7pm myself and normally he wouldn't, I thought he'd have it while watching the football earlier. He was sulking by then and said we had to hurry up and get him ready to leave or he'd miss the train.

So it looks like he has learnt it from his parents.

His mum sounds awful.

I'm sorry but I could not put up with this if he did not change.

I would start pointing out to him that you cannot cope with him blaming you for everything and that he needs to change. He needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions and not look to blame someone else all the time.

This was one of the reasons that my ex became an ex because life is too short to be blamed for everything. I tried to stop my ex from blaming me for everything but he just couldn't do it.

My husband used to be like that but I managed to get him to change so he hardly ever blames me now.

amicissimma · 30/10/2023 14:00

You'd think that after 2-3000 years men would have got the idea that just because a woman says that an apple is good to eat it doesn't mean they have to eat it if they don't think it would be good for them.

Apparently not. Always the woman's fault.

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 14:00

spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/10/2023 13:55

Is this him grumpily lashing out? Unless I missed something he just said why he thought he hadn’t slept (which you then story topped by saying you didn’t either). Was it the tone? Was there door slamming and shouting? Otherwise it does seem a very minor conversation to be dwelling on.

He was very grumpy and he was clearly annoyed by his poor sleep, not my fault but he focused on the one thing that would make it my fault, the time we had dinner as opposed to the cola or pringles or just that he had a random bad night which happens to most people at times.

I know to most people such an exchange wouldn't be a big deal but it just annoys me that he falls back on this way of blaming me.

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 30/10/2023 14:02

amicissimma · 30/10/2023 14:00

You'd think that after 2-3000 years men would have got the idea that just because a woman says that an apple is good to eat it doesn't mean they have to eat it if they don't think it would be good for them.

Apparently not. Always the woman's fault.

😂

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 14:02

Sidebeforeself · 30/10/2023 13:53

Yes I wouldn’t take it as blaming you . It’s the sort of thing I would say but I wouldn’t mean it was anyone’s fault. Just “ oh why do we do this to ourselves?”

I could tell by his tone he was blaming me, if it hadn't been that it would be that I woke him up going to the loo in the night and he couldn't get back to sleep.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 30/10/2023 14:02

I don't think he's actually blaming you- if he's like my H he just likes venting out loud - but as you are in the vicinity it feels like he's blaming you. I find it immensely unsettling and annoying

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 14:07

@Crikeyalmighty I get that would be annoying but in our case he really is blaming me, I will often ask him "are you blaming me?" and he will reply "well who else's fault could it be?" If I say well it could be your fault or just nobody's fault he reiterates why its my fault even if his logic is bizarre, sometimes he even knows how ridiculous he is being and laughs at himself doing it. I think it makes him feel better to attribute the blame to an outside source rather than think oh I messed up there, like its a coping mechanism he has but be making me a patsy for his negative emotions or some kind of garbage can for them its kind of abusive and not very considerate of me.

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 30/10/2023 14:09

No it’s not a male thing.

I do think though when you are the one making breakfast and cooking dinner, and having to get him ready to catch the train perhaps some males subconsciously think you are their staff and they can lash out at you whenever they feel like it. I don’t know. My husband isn’t like that and he comes from a culture where women are expected to ‘keep men happy’ but he is independent and knows I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of lip.

Redskyatwhatever · 30/10/2023 14:12

My DH is like this
random appliance doesn’t work properly when he is using it - appliance is faulty or I’ve “ done” something to it
random appliance doesn’t work properly when I am using it - I must be using it wrong
he can’t find one of his possessions - I must have moved it
random life minor annoyances that happen to everyone - he is somehow being singled out for especially bad treatment.
I just let it all wash over me now after many years, I have been known to say for goodness sake stop moaning about everything ( very mature but it makes me feel better).
I know with him that it comes from his anxiety disorder that he tends to blame himself for things going wrong so looks to deflect.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/10/2023 14:14

@eatmytwirl tell him to cut it out as it's pissing you off.

WeeDove · 30/10/2023 14:16

So annoying, I know what you mean, my x used to open fridge and say :we've no milk" and it wasn't just an observation, it was ,"you have allowed us to run out of milk".
So annoying how blames need somebody to blame for such small things.
By the time I had left my x I had switched to almond milk, soya yogurt, quorn fillets, and this was largely so that he couldn't hold me responsible for running out of milk, ham bread.

He got even more annoyed if I argued it out and said "why would I notice that, I don't drink cows milk I don't eat bread"
I never said to him "we're out of coffee" because he drank tea. But LOGIC annoyed him even more.

Some people just have to have somebody to blame.