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Original poster

Husband blames for stuff that is really just random life stuff.

65 replies

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:38

My husband was in the office today (I work for myself so always from home, while he has to go in a few times a month). I got up early along with him, made him some breakfast while he was getting showered and ready. When he came down he started complaining that he hadn't slept well, I remarked that I hadn't either, I was too hot and creeped out from a horror film we'd watched. He then said "It's eating too late at night, we had dinner too late then we ate chocolate and crisps too late" Essentially he is blaming me for making dinner too late but we ate at 7pm after he had suddenly wanted lunch at 4pm, which I made for him. I then had a cup of tea after dinner and a couple of chocolates as did he. He then also had a can of cola and polished off half a tub of pringles!

If anything has been keeping him up at night it was probably the cola and pringles!

The issue is that the minor argument that ensued has put me off kilter all day, I just feel upset about it. I feel like in moments like that when he is tired or things haven't gone to plan he needs to blame someone else and as I'm the only one here its me who gets the blame. Everybody has bad nights or feels tired at times, the bedroom was a bit hot or you had too much caffeine, shit happens!

He's always been like this, grumpily lashing out with blame, his whole family are like this and he is miles better than he used to be but when he is tired and grumpy he still does it. It just gets me down because their is no need for it. For my part, I probably get too upset about it when it should be water off a ducks back by now.

I just wish he's stop blaming me for things when it is just life, he's even blamed me for things that I wasn't even there to do or not do! I also wish it didn't throw me off kilter like this when he is like this.

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 30/10/2023 15:35

*not playing by the rules

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 15:37

@crumblycrust I do get that, I for a long time in my teens and early 20's had a tendency to say about things I personally didn't want "I don't like it" which could be hurtful to people e.g. I might complain about not being able to find a suitable duvet cover and someone says "oh I have a great set I love, these ones from m&S" and I'd go "No I don't like them" afterwards I would cringe because it wasn't even what I really meant but the way I said things made it sound like I was rubbishing other people's choices which wasn't my intention at all it was just that they weren't quite what I was after. However I was self aware of this pattern and worked on correcting it and being more diplomatic and now I'd never say that sort of thing.

Dh seems to lack this self awareness and only really "gets it" if I point it out when he is in a reasonable frame of mind.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 30/10/2023 15:40

If it's his tone that makes you feel he's blaming you, just ignore him.

"It's eating too late at night, we had dinner too late then we ate chocolate and crisps too late" I'd have just responded with - 'yeah maybe' and left it at that. Unless he's directly blaming you there's not a lot you can do. I'd not bother responding and carry on as normal

Coyoacan · 30/10/2023 15:45

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 13:50

@IMustDoMoreExercise Thanks, I think it is a male thing although all his family do it to some extent, his mum once cut herself prepping dinner and was angry at his sister because she was distracted by what she thought was his sister coming up the path while she chopped veg, it wasn't the sister but a delivery for a neighbour but his mum still blamed her daughter even though she wasn't even there!

I did say to him that it was probably the cola and he said I'd put in in the fridge for him, which I did but I'd never drink cola past 7pm myself and normally he wouldn't, I thought he'd have it while watching the football earlier. He was sulking by then and said we had to hurry up and get him ready to leave or he'd miss the train.

I had a grandmother like that. If she dropped a cup in an empty house it was your fault because she thinking of you at the time.

But OP, what's with all the hand maiden stuff? Why are you doing everything for him? Is he disabled?

Original poster
eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 15:49

@Coyoacan I don't do everything for him, I do do most of the cooking because I am better at it and typically enjoy it and I did do the lunch as he was watching "the big game" at the time which is a highlight of his week, normally we'd make it together. He did do the breakfast that morning which was a mini cooked breakfast. I get up when he is going into the office and make breakfast for both of us as he's usually in a rush to get ready, it's just a slice of toast.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 30/10/2023 16:02

Remind him to buy de-caff cans and drinks in future.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 30/10/2023 16:03

He is using you as an emotional punching bag. He is offloading his annoyance/frustration onto you so he feels better but with no care about the effect it has on you at all.

I wouldn’t try discuss why he feels he can blame you, nor would I even try to make him See sense.
Id really just tell him ‘I’m nit your emotional punching bag’
And if he asks fir ‘clarification’ I’d tell him I get he is tired/annoyed/grumpy but I’m not here to ease that feeling off from him.
And repeat.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 30/10/2023 16:06

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 15:49

@Coyoacan I don't do everything for him, I do do most of the cooking because I am better at it and typically enjoy it and I did do the lunch as he was watching "the big game" at the time which is a highlight of his week, normally we'd make it together. He did do the breakfast that morning which was a mini cooked breakfast. I get up when he is going into the office and make breakfast for both of us as he's usually in a rush to get ready, it's just a slice of toast.

What you are saying though is that your role is to ease life for him.
So you get up in the am because he is more in a rush. You cook because he is busy watching the match. You put the Coke in the fridge because you think he might enjoy it during the match etc….

Which is how it should be.
When it’s reciprocated.
And not taken for granted by the other party as ‘what women do and what I expect’ but instead is appreciated and recognised iyswim

mathanxiety · 30/10/2023 16:07

eatmytwirl · 30/10/2023 14:07

@Crikeyalmighty I get that would be annoying but in our case he really is blaming me, I will often ask him "are you blaming me?" and he will reply "well who else's fault could it be?" If I say well it could be your fault or just nobody's fault he reiterates why its my fault even if his logic is bizarre, sometimes he even knows how ridiculous he is being and laughs at himself doing it. I think it makes him feel better to attribute the blame to an outside source rather than think oh I messed up there, like its a coping mechanism he has but be making me a patsy for his negative emotions or some kind of garbage can for them its kind of abusive and not very considerate of me.

"Well, who else's fault could it be?"

You:
"It seems to me that you feel it's important to find someone to blame?"
Answer:
Blah blah, of course there has room be someone to blame, blah blah...rubbish, rubbish...

You: "Why is it important?"
Answer - because blah blah...rubbish...
(Essentially, 'I can't deal with ordinary frustrations or minor upsets to my routine and I think you should do that for me.')

Then: "I find this trait of yours very objectionable. I am not the proverbial cat that exists to be kicked. When you get to work, try dumping your shite on your colleagues. See how popular you'll be in the office if you do that a few times."

Zakana · 30/10/2023 16:08

WomanHereHear · 30/10/2023 15:34

@Zakana this is common in my community, it’s a patriarchy thing where I am rather than accidental which is why I have no time for it. It would never happen where a daughter in law is throwing a strop even if she has every bloody reason to. Whilst my husband is decent (although I often wonder would he behave himself if he married someone more ‘tolerant’ seeing as he had that dynamic modelled by his parents) his family would prefer it if I was a doormat. Much of it is a power thing, they rely on a woman’s fear of divorce etc but once they realise a woman is playing by those rules, they really panic.

Show quote history

what you have just said makes perfect sense, their community does seem to accept this as “normal “ behaviour, I had never met people like this before I met my DP and then because I was so caught up and besotted with him, spent the first 16 years not seeing any of it at all and thinking I was the one doing wrong constantly. It’s only been over the past 16 years and in particular the past two years due to stuff that has happened both now and previously and that I’ve found out about in the meantime, that I’ve started to call both him and his mum out on their behaviour. Of course, they are a bit put out now! 😂 Funnily enough though, I must have known deep down because I bought up my kids in a certain way, which is nothing like their community would normally raise kids. My DD is headstrong, confident and has her own mind and does what she wants, but she reminded me today that I had very strongly bought her up that way so she wasn’t walked over by anyone!

mathanxiety · 30/10/2023 16:09

And he sulks too?

He's coming across as a proper pain in the ass.

This is a very emotionally immature man you have on your hands.

Luckydog7 · 30/10/2023 16:35

Assuming you want to stay with him, i would come up with a few matter a fact, curt replies that put it back on him but avoid a broader discussion/negotiation about blaming you. Use them consistently everytimr he does ot then you just walk away as if the discussion is done. Kind of a grey rocking technique that is detached from any emotion or defensiveness. Train him like a dog. Negative reinforcement each time and he will slowly change (or escalate i suppose)

'You're doing that thing again where you blame me for something you've done' then walk away.

'Sigh, I'm not your mother'

'Did I make you do xyz? No thought not.'

'Maybe take responsibility for your own actions?'

Don't engage at all, if he starts an argument shut it down. 'Let's discuss it when you've calmed down.' He obviously does have SOME self reflection so this might work to make him see how ridiculous he is being.

Prelapsarianhag · 30/10/2023 16:43

I would laugh at him every time he does it and say - you really love the ole blame game don't you. And, don't be afraid of his anger - he is not your boss and he is not your dad. He is your equal.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2023 17:13

Bene brown on blame might be a good video to watch together

coxesorangepippin · 31/10/2023 17:23

Just say 'yup' and walk away

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