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Original poster

Is it ok to be selfish sometimes? WWYD?

40 replies

WeirdedOutAgain · 27/10/2023 16:58

I’m having a difficult time at the moment for various reasons. It’s been chronic stress for the last few years and I’ve just lost my mojo the last few months.

I’m not depressed but I just do not have the motivation to do anything that takes any more of my time or effort.

MIL has just been on the phone asking when she is going to see her DGC at half term next week and I am irrationally angry about it , because of course it is me who will have to travel to her (it’s less than a 2 hour round trip, so not a great distance). DH is working away. It’s always us travelling there, she hasn’t been to our home for over 3 years.

I have a good relationship with MIL (albeit on her terms) so I don’t usually mind but I just can not be bothered right now.

I am chronically exhausted as both our DC have SN. One is having a really hard time at the moment so is usually in frequent meltdown at the slightest thing. Trying to get DC2 dressed and out of the house is a huge battle. Then they’re exhausted from the interactions and cue more meltdowns back at home. The DC are not keen to visit but I do explain it’s family etc.

I had surgery 6 months ago and whilst physically recovered, I still tire easily and have after pains (expected for my condition). We have other things going on which are time consuming and stressful too.

I feel physically and emotionally drained and I’m sure I’ve gained a good stone in the last few weeks. I look awful.

We have no help at all. The expectations are all on us to organise visiting. MIL didn’t even bother to ask how my surgery went or offer any help at all so I’m a bit irked by this.

I want to hide away and heal and de stress. I do not want to go out of my way to visit next week which will take up near enough a full day.

Is it ok to be a little selfish sometimes?

OP posts:
Karmakamelion · 27/10/2023 17:00

Completely OK. If she wants to see the children she can make the effort. You are being completely reasonable

Enterthewolves · 27/10/2023 17:01

Totally ok!

OhComeOnFFS · 27/10/2023 17:01

"That's fine, come over any and take them out - they'd love that."

SaracensMavericks · 27/10/2023 17:03

YANBU at all. Explain that you aren't up to the drive at the moment but she is very welcome to come and visit.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/10/2023 17:04

I once read something like "it's not selfish to do what you want, it's selfish to expect other people to do what you want".

Look after yourself and your kids, sounds like you all need a relaxing few days. Tell MIL you are all exhausted and plan to chill for the week. She is more than welcome to visit for a day (or whatever suits) but you will not be travelling. No harm in a wee guilt trip too - "I'm still suffering some after effects from surgery" might give her pause for thought.

Enjoy!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 27/10/2023 17:11

You're not being selfish. She's bring presumptious by hinting.

Say you're still not fully fit after the op 😏 and you'd love her to come see the kids.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 27/10/2023 17:11

You're not being selfish. She's bring presumptious by hinting.

Say you're still not fully fit after the op 😏 and you'd love her to come see the kids.

Coyoacan · 27/10/2023 17:13

Take some vitamin b complex, it will really help you with the stress and anger. Only visit if you fell like it

RandomMess · 27/10/2023 17:13

You need to tell MIL you aren't well enough to bring them but she is more than welcome to come and visit instead.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 17:13

Just get dh to message her saying you will be on in x day if she fancies coming over... Let him deal with her excuses. And you bite you tongue and don't agree to visit her... 1 adult travelling versus 2 dc with SN. She is a cf imo.

BogRollBOGOF · 27/10/2023 17:19

Self-care isn't selfish. If you don't look after your (and your children's) needs, no one else is going to do it.

"Selfish" is frequently bandied around by people who mean "I think you're selfish because you're not inconviencing yourself to run around after meeee". Which is ironic.

Inviting her up to you is fulfilling your duty. It's then her choice to meet with you (unless there's a major reason that makes this unviable)

Floralnomad · 27/10/2023 17:23

Just tell her that she is welcome to visit but you can’t do next week at hers or better still get her son to organise it . If she doesn’t want to come tell her she can see them when your husband has time to bring them .

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/10/2023 17:26

Self care is not selfish. It is necessary. You are not being selfish if you do not have the capability to do something someone else wants you to do and you tell them that.

Fartooold · 27/10/2023 17:27

Can you tell her what you've just said in your OP?

if you've always been the one to visit her, it may have just become a habit, an expectation because you've always done it that way.

Tell her what you've told us. Any reasonable person would be beating a path to your door to help out.

Original poster
WeirdedOutAgain · 27/10/2023 17:27

These replies are the opposite to what I expected. Thank you for the kind words. MIL has form for not being able to see beyond her own world so in her eyes, we are not making an effort to visit her.

I am just so worn out. It is never reciprocal and the last few months it’s like a switch has flicked and I’m wondering why I’m allowing all of these expectations to drag me down when it’s not reciprocal .

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 27/10/2023 17:28

Self care isn't selfish.
As others have said, you reply
"DH is away and can't bring them. I'm still not fully recovered from my op so I can't bring them either. If you want to come to us, the either Mon, Tues, or Thurs could work ?"
Then leave it in her court.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/10/2023 17:30

I once read something like "it's not selfish to do what you want, it's selfish to expect other people to do what you want"

Write this down and keep it where you can read it as often as you need it, OP.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 17:32

She is being quite rude imo, you should be angry with her, not directly of course but use that energy to stand up for yourself and use one of the very reasonable responses from pp.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/10/2023 17:35

Hi XXX, yes be great to see you in half term. The Weds and Thurs work for us. Can you come to us this time? I’m struggling after the op, things haven’t been as plain sailing as I would have hoped. Let me know what day suits you better and I’ll do us some lunch. Xxx

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2023 17:35

UsingChangeofName · 27/10/2023 17:28

Self care isn't selfish.
As others have said, you reply
"DH is away and can't bring them. I'm still not fully recovered from my op so I can't bring them either. If you want to come to us, the either Mon, Tues, or Thurs could work ?"
Then leave it in her court.

A perfect response!

NotDonna · 27/10/2023 17:55

If she hasn’t asked how your operation went it makes me wonder if she knew or has forgotten. Either way it’s unlikely she’s even considered how you may be feeling or what it’s like looking after two kids with SN. Maybe she’s selfish or thoughtless or just wrapped up in herself. She may not intend to be this way and if she knew maybe she’d dash over and help out. Who knows.
If it would be nice to have her over then invite her. I’d find that equally exhausting tbh. But if you really need a few days chilling with DC rather than entertaining, not driving about etc. then say so. Just say ‘you know, it’d be lovely to see you either at yours or here but I’m absolutely shattered and just need a week to chill with the kids, thank you so much for understanding’. Or similar.

DeadbeatYoda · 27/10/2023 17:56

Totally okay. It sounds like all three of you need to take the time to chill.don't feel like you need to apologise for that. Avoiding your MIL's disappointment is not worth burn out.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 27/10/2023 17:58

That’s not selfish. That’s prioritising your own needs….those are 2 different things.

stay home. If you feel you want to invite her to you. Just tell her you need to keep life simple at the moment so won’t be driving to see her this time.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 18:12

Remember the road goes both ways op. Stand firm.

RubyBoozeDay · 27/10/2023 18:17

Put yourself first. She can come and visit you. Make it quite clear you aren't up to the trip post-operatively.
Feel better soon.

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