Is it ok to be selfish sometimes? WWYD?

[WeirdedOutAgain]

I’m having a difficult time at the moment for various reasons. It’s been chronic stress for the last few years and I’ve just lost my mojo the last few months.

I’m not depressed but I just do not have the motivation to do anything that takes any more of my time or effort.

MIL has just been on the phone asking when she is going to see her DGC at half term next week and I am irrationally angry about it , because of course it is me who will have to travel to her (it’s less than a 2 hour round trip, so not a great distance). DH is working away. It’s always us travelling there, she hasn’t been to our home for over 3 years.

I have a good relationship with MIL (albeit on her terms) so I don’t usually mind but I just can not be bothered right now.

I am chronically exhausted as both our DC have SN. One is having a really hard time at the moment so is usually in frequent meltdown at the slightest thing. Trying to get DC2 dressed and out of the house is a huge battle. Then they’re exhausted from the interactions and cue more meltdowns back at home. The DC are not keen to visit but I do explain it’s family etc.

I had surgery 6 months ago and whilst physically recovered, I still tire easily and have after pains (expected for my condition). We have other things going on which are time consuming and stressful too.

I feel physically and emotionally drained and I’m sure I’ve gained a good stone in the last few weeks. I look awful.

We have no help at all. The expectations are all on us to organise visiting. MIL didn’t even bother to ask how my surgery went or offer any help at all so I’m a bit irked by this.

I want to hide away and heal and de stress. I do not want to go out of my way to visit next week which will take up near enough a full day.

Is it ok to be a little selfish sometimes?

You say

"Sorry MIL. After my surgery I'm really not up to driving this half term. Please feel free to come to us for a day if you'd like to. Otherwise we'll come one weekend when DH is home and can drive and visit you with us."

I wouldn't be going to visit my MIL if my DH wasn't going too. It's upto him to sort it out and be there!

Yes it’s ok to be selfish. So from now on you leave visiting mil to your dh to sort. If she calls just breezily say oh you need to speak to xxx he is arranging all contact now

Be selfish… actually no, look after yourself and tell mil to do one

This is not selfishness @WeirdedOutAgain . It really isn’t. Wanting to not dance to someone else’s tune for once isn’t being selfish.

Someone is being selfish in this scenario but it definitely isn’t you. Tell your DH to contact his mother and explain to her that you’re not well and neither you nor the DC are up to travelling, so if she wants to visit you then she can, but you won’t be going anywhere.

I hope things get better for you soon 💐

This.
You have more than enough on your plate.
REST and recharge- or become ill.

@Wishimaywishimight

I once read something like "it's not selfish to do what you want, it's selfish to expect other people to do what you want".

THIS IS BRILLIANT

If only someone had told me this 50 years ago!

What they all said! She wants to see then she travels. I hope DH is on side. For 3 years she hasn’t been bothered to visit you, enough now.

I would not put the word Sorry in any message at all!

My response would be

"You're more than welcome to visit X,Y,Z days. Which ones do you want to come down for?"

Do not apologise. Do not justify by mentioning your health, that's none of her business. Never use excuses. Cheeky fuckers like her pick apart excuses.

As others have said - tell her you would love to see her but you're not up to travelling. If she can let you know when she wants to come to you you will make sure you don't have anything else planned for that day. And then make her very welcome, smother her with kindness, make it obvious that you are doing absolutely everything you can do so that she has a lovely day AT YOUR HOUSE, and ON YOUR TERMS. You may not feel much like it if she takes you up on it, but at least you won't have to drive.

You sound exhausted. No harm whatsoever in saying, civilly but firmly, that she will see them if and when she travels to you at a pre-agreed and appropriate time, you just have nothing left to give atm.

Another vote for self care. Look after yourself. It's ok to say no.

Just say you're not travelling.
MIL is being v presumptions.
Look after yourself,

It's not being selfish. It's putting the needs of your dd and you first.

Just text MIL and say you absolutely want her to spend time with DGC during half term but due to post surgery struggles and DC2 MH you can't travel up there. She can let you know what day she's coming down to visit and if she wants to take the children out you'll have them ready.

Everyone needs to be selfish, especially when they give other people so much all of the time.

If we don’t look after ourselves, then how can we look after anyone else.

I will go days not seeing anyone because I need time to mentally recover.

Tell MIL you are ill (there is lots going around).

Would she be any help if she can’t to yours?

When is your DH home?
I think you need a couple of nights away in a hotel to just laze about and sleep.