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Original poster

Anyone up? Just been dumped over text

75 replies

SusanSHelit · 25/10/2023 00:36

Just as the title says really.

Left an abusive relationship a couple of years ago and spent a year happily single.
Have a gorgeous 10yo boy from said relationship. Still in contact with his dad as custody is 50/50 and ds and ex have a good relationship.

Que January this year, get back in touch with old friend from college who I hadn't seen for years. Is (or I thought was?) a good man. Started dating early Jan. Everything going great. Introduce him to ds after 7 months.

He moved cities recently to be closer to work. We both work full time with some mad hours but thought things were going well. Had both said, and meant 'I love you'

We had been keeping in touch most days via WhatsApp, neither of us are phonecall people.

He'd been quiet last couple of days and not been replying. We were supposed to be meeting up on Thursday.

I asked if everything was OK and he's replied honestly no and everything has come out.

I'm heartbroken and feel so stupid

OP posts:

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 09:59

Birthdayblu · 25/10/2023 09:54

It really annoys me when posters jump onto threads like these and their first offering is to defend the man for doing nothing wrong. How utterly tone deaf to the person who has just been broken up with. How is it helpful to hear that?! What’s more, ending a relationship via text message IS wrong. But that’s kinda secondary here. And @PyongyangKipperbang words fail me. What an unpleasant post.

So of course he’s entitled to end the relationship. That obviously doesn’t make you feel any better but you have the golden opportunity to meet a better match, made easier by the fact you now have distance between you.

Op I hope you managed to get some sleep. This must have been horrible and you’ve had some great advice already. I agree with other posters saying not to meet him in person. He’s taken enough of your time and you don’t need kicking whilst you’re down. I don’t think you’d have a constructive conversation and posting your key back is less painful. Basically what @CandyCane75 said.

Look after you now. Time to spoil yourself

Agreed. The OP is allowed to feel hurt and betrayed and mourn a relationship she thought had potential.

She's allowed to slag him off. She's human and she's hurt.

Be kind to yourself OP. Half of this site is women losing their shit over the ending of bad relationships and they clearly aren't able to just be happy the man made the right decision to live his best life.

BurbleBumleBleep · 25/10/2023 10:08

Celibacyinthesticks · 25/10/2023 01:52

Personally I wouldn’t meet up with him, why would you want to listen to the reasons someone doesn’t want to be with you? Take back control, text him to say no need to rake over the ashes, just post me the key back.

Really this. Don’t see him.

You aren’t stupid. I think having young children makes new relationships incredibly tricky. Even the successes have rocky patches. However help yourself by being less giving to relationships. Whoever loves you will fight to make it work. Don’t be the one putting in the time and effort, he can do that and he’ll feel more invested.

Newestname002 · 25/10/2023 10:38

SusanSHelit · 25/10/2023 07:18

He's said all the classic it's not you it's me, can we still be friends etc

I just feel betrayed

I feel stupid because I introduced my ds to him and ds adores him

Please don't feel stupid - you did the right thing in taking time to introduce your son to him. If you had a crystal ball you would have acted differently but you played the cards as dealt, which is what most of us would do.

As far as remaining friends - I'd swerve this I think. He's saying this to make himself (and maybe you) feel better but the current situation would always be between you and you'd maybe always have it in the back of your mind that he'd want to start the relationship up again when he'd be thinking differently. Draw a firm line under this I think and move on with your life as soon as you possibly can, comforting your son for the loss of this "friendship".

I don't think I'd meet him - what for? Changing the locks would be a definite sign for you, and takes away any potential that the set he might give/return are the only ones he has. 🌹

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

Vitriolinsanity · 25/10/2023 11:16

Do not go on Thursday especially if you're thinking, even a tiny bit, there's a chance you'll get him to change his mind.

Creepyrosemary · 25/10/2023 12:09

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2023 01:18

Unfortunately, I think him moving further away should have been your first clue that he wasn't as invested as you were.

He said he's just not in the right place to be dating right now

Sorry, op, but that's the oldest line in the book, right next to "it's me, not you."

Be sad for a bit, and then be glad he didn't waste more of your time. Have him mail the key. There is absolutely zero point in meeting with him.

DON'T mail the key. If the mail gets stolen they have your key AND your address.

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 12:17

Creepyrosemary · 25/10/2023 12:09

DON'T mail the key. If the mail gets stolen they have your key AND your address.

Show quote history

Special delivery exists

Original poster

SusanSHelit · 25/10/2023 16:43

I'm still going to talk to him face to face. Doing this over text we've both agreed is not right and I don't want him to post the key I want him to hand it to me.

I have no notions of trying to win him back. I've had a sleep and a cry and will pick myself up and carry on.

OP posts:

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 17:13

It's been less than a year. I doubt it's worth talking face to face. Might just prolong the agony. Why bother listening in person to why he doesn't want to be with you.

happinessischocolate · 25/10/2023 18:30

SusanSHelit · 25/10/2023 16:43

I'm still going to talk to him face to face. Doing this over text we've both agreed is not right and I don't want him to post the key I want him to hand it to me.

I have no notions of trying to win him back. I've had a sleep and a cry and will pick myself up and carry on.

Good for you. I would meet too.

Don't get a drink or anything though. Quick meet, quick chat, grab key, must dash bye 👋

Fifireee · 25/10/2023 20:58

If mistake meeting him.
You'll wish you hadn't.
Just get the key back and no more contact. I guarantee this will make him very frustrated.

salsmum · 26/10/2023 03:17

Some years ago I met a man on OLD, I eventually introduced him to my kids ( they were older) and he did live about an hour and half from me... he seemed really nice was kind and caring and then one day he rang me saying I'm sorry but I've been thinking I can't move down there because I won't get work down there 😮 I never even thought of him moving in! Fast forward a few months later and his friend told he he'd gone back to his ex and after one drunken night he'd beaten her black and blue Although you can't see it now everything happens for a reason so don't get sad get mad! Get him to send you the keys back have a nice hot bubble bath and spoil yourself.

TheHawkisHowling · 26/10/2023 03:30

Bless you. The film Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the book The Essence of the Thing by Madeleine At John have both helped me after a shock dumping.

I'm in similar circumstances to you from your description. I could imagine something like this happening suddenly deeply upsetting.

Of course he's entitled to his choices but you're also entitled to your grief.

Please take care of yourself 🌺🌺

koalaknickers · 26/10/2023 07:59

SusanSHelit · 25/10/2023 16:43

I'm still going to talk to him face to face. Doing this over text we've both agreed is not right and I don't want him to post the key I want him to hand it to me.

I have no notions of trying to win him back. I've had a sleep and a cry and will pick myself up and carry on.

But he thought breaking up with you over text was okay in the first place? He could have saved that for tonight. Though maybe it is better this way, as you had time to cry it out. I suppose I'd prefer that myself than to be told in a public place.

Sorry, I know it's none of my business to interfere. I don't want to make a difficult time worse for you.

I hope the meeting goes as well as can be expected and that you feel some sort of closure and of course get your key back.

I am sure there is someone out there for you who is perfect and now you are free to meet him.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

😍

Original poster

SusanSHelit · 26/10/2023 09:01

Thank you everyone for your kind replies

I'm obviously not looking forward to today but hopefully will get some closure

I don't plan on dating again soon, I think I need to take the winter to recoup and, I don't know, have a think about various things I suppose.

I have my best friend picking up my son from school today so she will be there which is a blessing. I know I can always count on her to get me through tough times, we've been friends since we we three and she is like a sister to me.

She will undoubtedly wish vengeance on him though, which I don't want really. I think he probably just has a lot of growing up to do still. He said he has a lot of work to do on himself and I think he's right.

The raw shock has eased now though, I'm mostly just disappointed and sad today, ad well as feeling rather ego bruised still

OP posts:

koalaknickers · 26/10/2023 09:45

SusanSHelit · 26/10/2023 09:01

Thank you everyone for your kind replies

I'm obviously not looking forward to today but hopefully will get some closure

I don't plan on dating again soon, I think I need to take the winter to recoup and, I don't know, have a think about various things I suppose.

The raw shock has eased now though, I'm mostly just disappointed and sad today, ad well as feeling rather ego bruised still

Sounds like you are handling this very well and in such a mature way under the circumstances.

I am glad you have a good friend by your side. I know what you mean about the vengeance. Our friends and family can be quite protective of us at times, which is lovely, but you are right in that there is nothing to be gained from being bitter about it all. It's easier to move on quickly without that. You don't want a man who hasn't really grown up, so you are well out of it IMO.

Good luck for tonight. The worst will be behind you tomorrow morning!

Original poster

SusanSHelit · 26/10/2023 11:36

Well I have my key back.

Was very brief. He wished me well and said me and my ds deserve better than him.

I told him he was a dick head (in the nicest possible way) and that he doesn't know his own value. That he needs to figure out his priorities and that I wasn't going to beg him to stay.

It wasn't pleasant but it's done now

OP posts:

koalaknickers · 26/10/2023 11:38

SusanSHelit · 26/10/2023 11:36

Well I have my key back.

Was very brief. He wished me well and said me and my ds deserve better than him.

I told him he was a dick head (in the nicest possible way) and that he doesn't know his own value. That he needs to figure out his priorities and that I wasn't going to beg him to stay.

It wasn't pleasant but it's done now

Well done you!

Sounds like good closure and you got to have your say.

You sound like you have a lot of sense. I am sure you will feel better sooner than you think.

Now you can put him behind you and look forward.

Goodornot · 26/10/2023 12:42

You deserve better means I deserve better.

He has figured out his priorities - new job and new life and doesn't want to date you anymore. I'm not sure why you said he needs to figure the priorities out he clearly has. Oh well I'd not have done it but as long as you're happy

Drdoomish · 26/10/2023 13:02

Good for you @SusanSHelit Well done on keeping it brief and getting closure.

Time to grieve what you thought you had, then pick yourself up and move on.

materialgworl · 26/10/2023 18:24

He knows his value though, that's why he ended this...

I appreciate it feels good to have the last word but it's only worth it if you meant it...

on to the next

happinessischocolate · 27/10/2023 07:34

SusanSHelit · 26/10/2023 11:36

Well I have my key back.

Was very brief. He wished me well and said me and my ds deserve better than him.

I told him he was a dick head (in the nicest possible way) and that he doesn't know his own value. That he needs to figure out his priorities and that I wasn't going to beg him to stay.

It wasn't pleasant but it's done now

Well done.

It's never easy, but sounds like you handled it well.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 27/10/2023 07:55

Whatever you do, don't remain friends. Don't respond to texts he will likely send in the future to listen to his woes, (when the amazing new life doesn't turn out as he imagined and life without you isn't quite as peachy as he thought it would be).

One chance. No returns. Otherwise he will do the same thing again.

koalaknickers · 27/10/2023 07:56

WmFnKdSg1234 · 27/10/2023 07:55

One chance. No returns. Otherwise he will do the same thing again.

Edited

This.

You may be surprised when he pops up again. Those types often do. Don't know what they want.

Original poster

SusanSHelit · 27/10/2023 08:16

I have no intention of remaining friends. The fact he's in his 30s and never had a relationship last much more than around a year should have been a massive red flag I suppose.

I'm just glad he's in another city so the chance of bumping into him is small

OP posts:

DollyPartonsLeftTit · 27/10/2023 19:45

Sorry that you went through that, @SusanSHelit . Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being so reserved when you got your key back.. I would have given him what for as well as calling him a dickhead, but that's just me. 🙃 Be kind to yourself! Hugs. xo

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