Who is your “SIL”?

[Raincloudsonasunnyday]

Is it:

1. your DH’s sister
2. your brother’s wife
3. your DH’s brother’s wife
4. 1 and 2 only
5. all of 1, 2 and 3?

Having a not-quite-an-argument with my DH.

imo All 3.
However, I could see an argument for No.3 to be a bit ambiguous. Although I’d still end up that If DH brother is BIL, his wife is SIL although it’s not a direct link (if that makes sense).

So again, for me all 3

1 and 2 only.

My DH's sister becomes my sister-in-law because she is my husband's sister.

My DH's brother's wife becomes DH's sister-in-law as he is a sibling to her husband. She doesn't become my sister-in-law (imo). She is my husband's sister-in-law. I would just say they are part of the extended family. I guess I could call them SIL but it isn't my immediate thought.

1 & 2 only. It feels a bit incestuous having your BIL married to your SIL (even though they aren't related to each other).

All of them.

Well this conversation with my DH has certainly served to clarify how we both feel about each other’s siblings and their spouses! Whoops.

I think I like “BIL’s wife” because it’s absolutely clear what the relationship is. It can only be one thing (you’d never call your sister your BIL’s wife 😂). But, I don’t like that it’s exclusionary. It’s bad enough being an in-law. Being relegated to an in-law’s spouse is even worse!

I think it also depends on whether you view families in terms of “levels”: grandparents, next layer down is parents, next layer down is grandchildren. Everyone on the same level should be equal.

I don’t suppose it matters, it’s just not something I’ve ever thought about properly before. Definitely approve of Spanish/Indian languages having specific terms for these relations.

(And just to be clear, I mean to include all husbands and wives of all brothers and sisters. But I do stand by only marriage (or civil partnerships in countries where that’s recognised as the same) conferring the relationship. I don’t think merely living with someone makes their family
yours in this particular context.)

Interesting question.

I call my DH’s brothers wife my SIL… is that incorrect?

I'd say all 3 (when using English, same word for all), but in my native language each one has a different name, makes it much easier to know who anyone is talking about 😂 (but the list goes on, because every relation has a specific name).

Oops posted too soon, therefore going for option 4-all of them (would be referred to as SIL-when using English).

That’s the question, really.

What does “in law” actually mean?

I know it means that under the terms of the law, your DH’s brother (for example) is your brother “in law”.

But those laws would have been created to preserve or confer property rights; to prevent incest; to regulate inheritance; and so forth as between cousins. It’s about what constitutes “family”, realistically. Your DH’s brother isn’t actually your brother in any sense other than “in law”. And, you can divorce your DH and legally marry and have children with his brother! So there’s that confusion too…

I think eastern cultures tend to cast the net wider in terms of who is family. I think Anglo Saxon (-esque) cultures have a narrower understanding of it.

The whole point of “in-law” is that you are related to the whole family of your spouse by law if you are married (not by blood.)

My DH’s sister is my SIL, her husband is my BIL.
My DH’s brother is my BIL and his wife is my SIL.

I am not related to any of them by blood, but I am by law!

Some people on Mumsnet are so cold and detached in relation to their partners family. Would never occur to me that husband’s siblings children are not also my nephews. They absolutely are. Just like his brother’s wife is my sister in law. I’m glad I’m part of my family where blood isn’t seen as the be all and end all!

I sometimes refer to my husband’s brother’s wife as my sister-in-law-in-law…

Techinically, only 1 and 2 are your SIL; 3 is called a co-SIL. But in my family I call all of the above my SIL!

I’d use SIL for all three. Maybe you and DH need a hobby 😀

1 & 2

In my family, H's brothers' spouses. They are partners of my brothers in law, so become SIL.

All 3
Only when legally married, excluding partners (even in 2023)
Including same sex marriage (because it is a legal marriage)

You have got me wondering / investigating the origins of the terminology though.

Yes; I stopped thinking of my husband’s siblings’ kids as my nieces around the same time his sister told him he only had one nephew because mine “don’t count”…

All

All

All off them, if they are your children's aunts and uncles or you to theres then they are you sil/bil.

One and two only, though I can understand 3 as well as a form of shorthand.

I normally call aunts/uncles spouses aunts and uncles, but depending on context if I'm talking to a 3rd party about an auntie by marriage if its relevant I'll say my uncles wife. Eg I was talking to a colleague after my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and she asked if any other family members had it. I said my aunt had, but she was my uncles wife so in this context ie is there a family history then no she isn't as strictly speaking she's not my aunt

Cousins to me means 1st cousins but i do occasionally refer to second cousin as a cousin as a form of shorthand.

Technically 4 but since there isn't a word for 3 I'd probably use it for that too. The whole 'in law' bit shows it's a person you are only related to by marriage not blood.

All of them.

If a brothers wife is an aunt then she is also a sil.

I use the term for all of them. DH's sister is my SIL, DH's brothers wife is my SIL. If I had a brother his wife would be my SIL