"Attentive to the narrative capacity of objects"

[GoodOldEmmaNess]

That's from a product description on the John Lewis website.

How much of a heathen am I for not having that in my list of top things to consider when choosing an espresso pot?

And has anyone got any other examples of overly wanky product descriptions?

[Grin] sounds like a pseuds corner shoo-in

Eh?! 😊

THe vibe in my kitchen is more 'If you want narrative capacity, go read a book". Am afraid that the kettle will tease it.

Could you give a link please?

That is super-wanky.

The Post-Modern Semiotics of Taste: material culture and the culturally constructed 'seeing' of the espresso pot as generative text

By the OU Hive, forthcoming

Fabulous! I do love a pretentious kitchen appliance

Every product description for high end audio gear.

Everytime I look at the ridiculous toaster that says Smeg, my brains screams SMEGMA!!!!!

If it’s trying to be pretentious it is failing.

I love the wanky descriptors.

To be fair, it’s a description of the designer not the coffee pot 😂

Oh that is fantastic. Well done John Lewis.

I read it and assumed this would be a direct quote from an academic paper. That it’s on the JL website is even funnier.

Ahh that makes much more sense!

Well obviously the capacity for objects to act as repositories for externalised memory. The emotional valences of those objects contributes to the emotional geography of the home by materially enacting a shared history that holds together a tangible concept of ‘couple’
or ‘family’.

If I had more time, or inclination, I could polish that turd further.

OK, so does it mean the designer "tries to make objects that (can) tell a story"?

I'm trying to translate from Wankspeak into English.

If it does, how does a brand new object tell a story?

I mean, I can see an older object sort of telling a story by its identifiable age and its imperfections - my great great aunt's copper kettle, for instance.

Or is the brand new one telling the story that the purchaser has particular tastes and a certain level of disposable income i.e. a status symbol?

Or does it evoke particular scenarios somehow? Hosting dinner parties where fascinating people have interesting and witty conversations over their post-prandial coffee, in the case if the pot?

I think we may need to unpick the western concept of 'repository' though. Temporality is a tool of the oppressor.

If it does, how does a brand new object tell a story?

By evoking memories of a different coffee pot in the range, apparently 😭

Well of course.

We also need to carefully consider the non-human agency of objects and the ethics of corralling them into our emotional assemblages.

Ah, so basically a Moka pot with the facets made all wavy, and black instead of silver coloured.

Another thing I'm wondering now is, who is the wankery in the description supposed to appeal to?

It's one thing using Designer Wankspeak with other designers, but what about the paying customers?

Have Alessi / their English language ad bods actually researched their target market?

Because here's part of it mocking them.

OP, that sounds like a candidate for Private Eye’s Pseuds’ Corner. They love this sort of wank-speak.

Oh is it for homeopathic coffee that invokes the memory of coffee?

I suppose homeopathic coffee is hot water, which would come from a kettle, so the narrative here is that this poor coffee pot was born in the wrong body and really felt like a copper whistling kettle and had kettlebrain and desperately needed to be recognised and have access to kettle spaces but one day their owner, who believed trans kettles are kettles, put the coffee pot on the hob and its plastic melted and glass shattered and there was water everywhere and no one got coffee or homeopathic coffee.

The closing scene is just a black and white shot of the shattered glass in harsh focus on the hob as the flame burns with nothing to heat anymore. So much lost opportunity and tragedy.

Fin.

Why is an architect designing a coffee pot?

Things a bit slow on the building front? Bills to pay...

Fair enough. Was just wondering what transferable skills were involved

Ethereal design curation in the material world

Does it actually mean anything in a serious sense?

Or do you think who ever writes product descriptions were having a competition amongst themselves to see who could get away with the daftest description?