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Original poster

Encouragement please - gave an ultimatum

37 replies

Siha345 · 19/10/2023 11:36

I know I’ve done the right thing really but I regret how it came out and we had been talking about living together so I feel a bit wobbly.

I have some issues from a previous SA and have mentioned it but haven’t gone into details with DBF. Sometimes when I don’t want to do something sexually he will be persistent in keeping asking me until I’ve had enough and just get turned off. After another of these conversations last night I told him this morning that if we have to have another conversation about respecting my boundaries then it’s over.

He said I threatened him (which I did and I really regret that, I just didn’t feel he has been taking the issue seriously enough), that his exgf left him suddenly and he doesn’t feel safe being in a relationship with threats. He has taken the day to think about things.

The way I see it the choice is either respect my boundaries or leave and I know if he chooses to leave it would just show me what kind of man he is but I wish I hadn’t made it an ultimatum.
Please could I have some reassurance that it would be for the best and I’ll be ok if he does leave because I think he’s leaning that way

OP posts:
Antst · 19/10/2023 12:12

So what if you threatened him? His behaviour has been a major problem. It's turning you off him and stressing you out that he won't stop pestering you about something you don't want to do. The consequence is that you have had enough and have threatened/said/promised (whatever you want to call it) to end the relationship. That's how it works!

What he is doing is playing the victim. He's trying to out-victim you so he's not responsible for anything.

I really make an effort not to say "end it" because I realize that most situations are more complex than can be explained here in a few words. Also, most people have complicated financial links/issues that make it hard to walk out suddenly. But I'm confident here that you don't need this.

He should have stopped pestering when you said you weren't interested in whatever he wanted. Maybe it would have been OK for him to ask to discuss it a second time. Asking you again and again and then playing the victim now that you've had it is a red flag. Don't keep discussing this.

Bonbon21 · 19/10/2023 12:17

He is taking the day to think about it... thinking it will make you back down as you will realise how much you are going to lose...
Yeah, right.
He is playing games.
Whenever...WHENEVER.. you say no.... that is what it means.
Let him go... you can find better... if and when you choose to.

TicTacNicNak · 19/10/2023 12:19

Tell him you don't feel safe in a relationship where you're getting pestered/harassed to perform sexual acts you've said no to, and you too are considering things.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Newbie2808 · 19/10/2023 12:19

If he even has to think about respecting your boundaries then for me that would be my decision made

CurlewKate · 19/10/2023 12:23

He doesn't respect your "no" and he has a "crazy ex girlfriend"

Either is a good reason to move on.

TokyoSushi · 19/10/2023 12:26

Good grief, he's taking the day to think about you calling him out on not respecting your boundaries? I think that's all the evidence that you need.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/10/2023 12:29

He doesn't respect you, let alone your boundaries. Kick him into touch op, you can do way better.

Isheabastard · 19/10/2023 12:33

I read this article this morning. It’s about teens, but applies to everyone in that situation.

If anything you are not taking his disregard of your sexual boundaries seriously enough.

im hoping the photo has loaded, if not I’ll repost.

Encouragement please - gave an ultimatum
Namenamchange · 19/10/2023 12:37

whats the point in the ultimatum? Things might change for a bit, but eventually he will likely slip back to old ways. Stop wasting your time, take control and move on .. you are worth more

Isheabastard · 19/10/2023 12:39

Me again, the full article is in todays Daily Mail.

I don’t know how to do links, guess I need to learn.

TheresaOfAvila · 19/10/2023 12:39

What do you think he should be thinking about during this day he’s taking?

Because he’s taking his time to decide whether you having boundaries is acceptable to him. He’s not a keeper.

Purpleraiin · 19/10/2023 12:42

What tic tac said 👆

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2023 12:43

This man is an absolute piece of shit. It's a shame he can't be dropped into the middle of the ocean. Please, op, raise your standards and stop wasting your life on unworthy men.

Original poster
Siha345 · 19/10/2023 12:56

Antst · 19/10/2023 12:12

So what if you threatened him? His behaviour has been a major problem. It's turning you off him and stressing you out that he won't stop pestering you about something you don't want to do. The consequence is that you have had enough and have threatened/said/promised (whatever you want to call it) to end the relationship. That's how it works!

What he is doing is playing the victim. He's trying to out-victim you so he's not responsible for anything.

I really make an effort not to say "end it" because I realize that most situations are more complex than can be explained here in a few words. Also, most people have complicated financial links/issues that make it hard to walk out suddenly. But I'm confident here that you don't need this.

He should have stopped pestering when you said you weren't interested in whatever he wanted. Maybe it would have been OK for him to ask to discuss it a second time. Asking you again and again and then playing the victim now that you've had it is a red flag. Don't keep discussing this.

You’re right, he is playing the victim. The conversation became about the threat rather than the real problem and then I ended up feeling like the bad guy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Siha345 · 19/10/2023 12:59

TheresaOfAvila · 19/10/2023 12:39

What do you think he should be thinking about during this day he’s taking?

Because he’s taking his time to decide whether you having boundaries is acceptable to him. He’s not a keeper.

He said he’s going to think about things from my point of view but what you’ve said is how I feel - that he will be deciding whether my boundaries are ok enough that he can accept them and won’t get threatened again

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 19/10/2023 13:03

This is awful. He shouldn’t be “persistent” ever. Why would he want to do something with you, knowing that you’re not 100% happy with it.

A decent man wouldn’t enjoy whatever it was knowing that you’re not completely comfortable. Maybe he enjoys you being uncomfortable.

That’s enough “reason” to end the relationship if you need a reason. The fact you’ve had to speak to him about it at all, and in fact more than once means it’s not going to work.

Original poster
Siha345 · 19/10/2023 13:03

I think having issues from the SA clouds things sometimes because this isn’t the first time I’ve had to have these conversations with someone I’m dating. So when the person isn’t instantly apologetic and feeling awful it makes me feel like I have unreasonable expectations or making a mountain out of a molehill. Especially because my friends don’t seem to have this problem

OP posts:
KatnissNeverdone · 19/10/2023 13:15

You didn't threaten him. You told him what the consequences would be if he didn't respect your boundaries. If he has to go away and think about that then he already had absolutely no respect for them.
Him "going to think" is him manipulating you so you back off and let him do what he wants.

Antst · 19/10/2023 13:16

Siha345 · 19/10/2023 13:03

I think having issues from the SA clouds things sometimes because this isn’t the first time I’ve had to have these conversations with someone I’m dating. So when the person isn’t instantly apologetic and feeling awful it makes me feel like I have unreasonable expectations or making a mountain out of a molehill. Especially because my friends don’t seem to have this problem

I don't know what "SA" is, but I'm guessing it's some kind of bad relationship dynamic.

The issue here is NOT that you're unreasonable. It's that people who have been in abusive/exploitative relationships often have blurred boundaries. In other words, if you have dealt with bad treatment before, then you may have begun to think that some of it was normal. When the boundaries were pushed further, bad treatment would have seemed more normal.

So when you meet new people, your friends might choose to go nowhere near a particular person, but you might tell yourself that he's OK even though he has X and Y about him that seem less than ideal.

This is just my guess as to what's going on. If you can afford counselling, I think it would be a good idea to discuss these issues. Maybe identify red flags to watch out for, where you automatically dump someone or don't date him. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a matter of being tougher on people.

HellonHeels · 19/10/2023 13:20

He's a nasty piece of work. He made an attempt to "counter-threaten" you to make you back off and do everything he wants.

What a creep he is. Dont waste your time - dump him now.

alongcameboo · 19/10/2023 13:21

Siha345 · 19/10/2023 13:03

I think having issues from the SA clouds things sometimes because this isn’t the first time I’ve had to have these conversations with someone I’m dating. So when the person isn’t instantly apologetic and feeling awful it makes me feel like I have unreasonable expectations or making a mountain out of a molehill. Especially because my friends don’t seem to have this problem

I'm so sorry you have previously had to deal with SA issues (and still having to cope with the aftermath) but your partner is in the wrong. Why on earth does he need to take a day to think about things?! All he has to think about is accepting your boundaries, end of! Awful to think that he thinks your boundaries are negotiable, particularly when it comes to sex! What a shitbag.

Acornsoup · 19/10/2023 13:24

Time to move on OP.

Cotonsugar · 19/10/2023 13:24

TokyoSushi · 19/10/2023 12:26

Good grief, he's taking the day to think about you calling him out on not respecting your boundaries? I think that's all the evidence that you need.

This

Original poster
Siha345 · 19/10/2023 13:36

Antst · 19/10/2023 13:16

I don't know what "SA" is, but I'm guessing it's some kind of bad relationship dynamic.

The issue here is NOT that you're unreasonable. It's that people who have been in abusive/exploitative relationships often have blurred boundaries. In other words, if you have dealt with bad treatment before, then you may have begun to think that some of it was normal. When the boundaries were pushed further, bad treatment would have seemed more normal.

So when you meet new people, your friends might choose to go nowhere near a particular person, but you might tell yourself that he's OK even though he has X and Y about him that seem less than ideal.

This is just my guess as to what's going on. If you can afford counselling, I think it would be a good idea to discuss these issues. Maybe identify red flags to watch out for, where you automatically dump someone or don't date him. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a matter of being tougher on people.

Show quote history

Oh sorry, SA is sexual assault (I think SA is also used for sexual abuse so I should have been clearer in my post)

What you’ve said makes sense and I think there are areas where I would be instantly put off someone but my friends would carry on because of their own experiences. So it makes sense that maybe they see some red flags before me and I see some before them.

I do have a therapist but I thought I just wasn’t being clear enough with the guy. I think I will talk to the therapist because I don’t want to have to spend time defending my boundaries/choices in the future

OP posts:
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