Encouragement please - gave an ultimatum

[Siha345]

I know I’ve done the right thing really but I regret how it came out and we had been talking about living together so I feel a bit wobbly.

I have some issues from a previous SA and have mentioned it but haven’t gone into details with DBF. Sometimes when I don’t want to do something sexually he will be persistent in keeping asking me until I’ve had enough and just get turned off. After another of these conversations last night I told him this morning that if we have to have another conversation about respecting my boundaries then it’s over.

He said I threatened him (which I did and I really regret that, I just didn’t feel he has been taking the issue seriously enough), that his exgf left him suddenly and he doesn’t feel safe being in a relationship with threats. He has taken the day to think about things.

The way I see it the choice is either respect my boundaries or leave and I know if he chooses to leave it would just show me what kind of man he is but I wish I hadn’t made it an ultimatum.
Please could I have some reassurance that it would be for the best and I’ll be ok if he does leave because I think he’s leaning that way

Walk away OP he has no respect for you.

He said I threatened him (which I did

No. You didn't.

Setting a clear boundary is not a threat (especially a boundary that really shouldn't need to be stated; understanding 'no means no' is the lowest possible bar).

If he see you having any boundaries at all as a 'threat', you need to understand that is a whole Kremlin's worth of red flags.

He is not a good man OP, he shouldn't be pushing you to do anything you're not comfortable with in the first place, let alone attempting to turn this on you now you've asserted your boundaries I'm a rape survivor and my DH has never even questioned my boundaries, if I'm not comfortable with something then he doesn't want to do it anyway because for him it needs to be 'enthusiastic consent' or nothing at all. That's how decent men (and women) approach sex and consent, if their partner isn't into it, it doesn't happen.

Setting safe boundaries that protect yourself is not a threat.

Only someone who is determined to get their own way and willing to play the victim would think like that.

Most men would apologise and be mortified they ever made you feel like that.

I’m so sorry ☹️ your DH sounds great. I’d love to be with a guy like that, what a shame they’re proving hard for me to find so far

Make it easy for him and tell him to get fucked
He shouldn't have to think about it for a split second
He is now EA you
You didn't threaten him, you told him what your choice would be

It’s got nothing to do with you, it’s him. You have repeatedly discussed boundaries, he keeps pushing. He isn’t listening to you, and is now having a sulk because you finally got through to him and he calls it a threat. It’s not. It’s you telling him, again, that he is disrespecting your boundaries and he needs to stop.

He is making a choice to disrespect you, you are making your stance very clear

Personally I would be texting him now and saying being thinking, as you can’t respect my boundaries you obviously don’t respect me so it’s time we called it a day

I wonder if his ex left him for the same reasons

He's gaslighting you.
You called him out on his sexual coercion (which is what he's doing, and this is abuse), and he's now twisted it to you not making him feel safe in the relationship and he needs space to think. (Obviously waiting for you to back down and be the one to apologise).
His behaviour is unacceptable, but he has the opportunity to learn and grow through your conversations, but instead of doing that, he's failed to take on board how much his behaviour affects you and when you get firm on him, he pulls the victim card. It's classic manipulation and gaslighting.
He is not willing to understand your perspective and work on changing his behaviours so your relationship as a whole can be a safe and secure environment.
I'd really be considering whether you and him are compatible at all. And the longer the relationship goes on, the more likely you'll see more signs of manipulation and abuse from him.

I also experienced an SA in the past and then was in a relationship where he was sexually coercive and emotionally abusive and would gas light me. He then went on to SA me also.
Don't ignore the red flags.
People can change their behaviour but they really have to hold themselves accountable in order to do that, and it doesn't seem like your bf is willing to do that. That's a huge red flag.

I would let him know he doesn't have to bother wasting time thinking about it and that you've decided to end the relationship anyway.

He's still bullying you now by insisting on space, it's designed to make you panic and hopefully agree with whatever he wants to do - which is working at the moment.

He's abusive. Sexual assault coercion is a crime

If he can't take no for an answer without having to pester then you need to show him the door.
He won't get better. He won't change.
No means no.