Selfish Sister

[annoyedville]

My sister is dreadfully selfish and very self-centered. She does absolutely NOTHING to help or support my mum who lives on her own. She buggered off down south many years ago, has a career, a child and makes zero effort to do things which are convenient for anybody else. A lot Everything is on my shoulders. I also have a brother with a disability and needs a lot of help. When my mum passes, it will probably fall on me to help him too. Because I am the one who stayed closest to my mum, it has fallen on me to help out with everything. Obviously, it's my mum so I don't mind, but it does piss me off that I feel like I am on my own and my sister gets to live her life down south without doing anything.

My dd has a dentist appointment on Monday, and now I'm having to cancel it because she and my mum are going to see my sister down south because that's the only day she can make it apparently. This is just one very small thing. For Christmas, it's too expensive for my sister (who has a career) to come and spend anytime with my mum, so the emphasis is always, always, on my mum to fork out to go down there. Then there is the presents issue. My sister decided years ago that she 'doesn't do Christmas' so my dd never gets a present, or my mum. Yet, my dd likes to give her dd a present.

I don't even know why I started this thread...is anyone else in a similar position?! Obviously, I will continue to support my mum and do everything I can because she is a widow but I wish my sister would step up once in a while.

The sister can do whatever she likes - there is no obligation (or shouldn't be). The whole "down south / up north" narrative maybe suggests jealousy? OP, just get on with your own life, and let your sister get on with hers - there is no need for all this drama, surely?

Is your DD a child?

How old is your dm? Still working, still happy to travel! Remember a recent similar post complaining about a sibling not helping with the 'elderly dm/df' who was 63!

Your anger is misdirected.
What plans has your mum sought out from professionals to put in place for your brother to be cared for after she's gone? Surely she isn't just expecting you to step up?!
Her loneliness is unfortunate but no one else's responsibility.
Don't resent your sister because he life choices lead to a different life than yours do for you.

Don't know where you've got that from.

Maybe if OP was secure in the knowledge that there was someone on hand to support her mum with company, financial support and support for her brother, she'd be able to live a carefree life 100s of miles away too 🤔🤔🤔

OP - the best you can do is know that you are doing the right thing by your morales and conscience.

Sounds like your mum is lucky to have you x

Bit offensive to assume people who have stayed in the area they grew up in are tied to the apron strings.

@cptartapp "her loneliness is unfortunate but no-one else's responsibility "
REALLY? Is this what society has become? You really don't think adult children (who have been brought up reasonably and kindly with no abuse) should make an effort with their parents? Why do you think that? It does seem our society feels elderly parents should be foisted on social services or charities when their family feel they're of no further use. It's an awful attitude. Surely if you think it's ok for elderly people to be isolated in old age, you too will be happy to be cast aside in similar circumstances??

Don't cancel your DD's dental appointment, you've learned to put your own needs last, you don't have to teach her to do the same thing.
Stop giving your mother money. You have a daughter, put it aside for her. Encourage her to get an education and tell her you will help her through university.
Insist your mother put a care plan into place for your disabled brother.
Its pointless feeling resentment towards your sister while you are so reluctant to put boundaries in place, and put yourself and your own child first.

I’m shocked at the backlash OP is getting. Sounds like she’s a caring, supportive daughter. I bet some of you have criticised on other threads where that hasn’t been the case. She’s not asking the world of her sister, she’s complaining that her sister does nothing and makes zero effort. It’s not impossible to move away, have a busy career and life and still show that you care in some way. Of course sister “can do what she likes” and is under “no obligation” but if she chooses to offer no support, care or thought towards her relatives, many of us will criticise her for it. Like PPs have said, heaven help us all if that becomes normal behaviour.

Maybe your sister doesn't have the same relationship with your mother? A lot of the time siblings have completely different memories of their childhoods.

That's unkind!

She can of course do whatever she likes, but her behaviour is selfish, unfair and lacking in consideration.

She can do what she likes in the knowledge that her sister is carrying the load on the home front, yet she actively chooses to do nothing to ease that burden. That's not the behaviour of a decent human being.

Of course the OP isn't fucking jealous!! She's weary of carrying this load that should be shared in some way. The woman is "down south" not on the moon!!!

It's hardly "drama" to expect a sibling to contribute in some way to the care of her mother, or to appreciate her sister whose own contribution gets her off the hook!!

What a disgusting, depressing attitude you have.

Are you equally as selfish?

She sounds like a miserable person tbh, no xmas, no birthday and not even a card for the woman who birthed and looked after her.

OP - could you have a word with your sister along the lines of "mum is getting old/ mum is upset that you don't visit more often.
You might regret it when she dies"
Good luck. I wouldn't bother to keep in touch yourself.
Is your daughter old enough to stay in touch with her cousin off her own steam? Xx

What are you on?

I cannot believe some of the nasty selfish responses to OP's situation.

Very depressing.

It sounds like your sister doesn’t really want a relationship with your mum. If she never visits and doesn’t send cards on special occasions for your mum it suggests she doesn’t really want to be in touch.
Everybody has different relationships with people and different experiences with people. There must be a reason that your sister behaves the way she does, the same way as there is a reason you do what you do for your mum. Neither of you are wrong and both of your reasons are valid no matter what they are. You can’t change your sister, the only thing you can change is what you choose to do for your mum.

Maybe my previous post was a bit harsh but without knowing all the details @annoyedville just sounds like she is having a moan. We don't know what MH issues the sister down south might have - re reading the drip feed of info and the "not celebrating christmas" type stuff she could be having real difficulties of her own. I don't know why everyone thinks all the children should always hang around to care for elderly parents - it sounds like the OP has got it covered anyway. Maybe the OP gives over a martyer complex if they ever speak to their sister and thre sister thinks everythings being done that needs to anyway?
It does really come across that @annoyedville has served herself up this problem without planning properly and is now just jealous of what she sees as her sisters carefree life

Seems like my post has been rather triggering for some of you. And judging by the comments on here, I think it's time some of you looked at your own failings and the way you live your lives, rather than try and deflect blame and make excuses for selfish behaviour.

@Hbh17 So, because I use 'north/south' as a comparison in this way, I'm...jealous 😂. You really need to get out more often if you think this is the case.

@TruthSeeker2023 . Seems you're in dire need of context. So here it is. I live an hour away from my mum. I moved out of my home town many years ago. Jumped on a plane at the age of 24 and went to live in a remote city in mainland China. I've lived many places in my life (north and south!) and abroad. I have done things most people would only dream about doing. I am happy and settled where I am. If I wanted to live in the south, I would. I have a beautiful dd, have a good job, financially secure - I have a good life. Truth told, I've probably got more 'gumption' in my little finger than most people have. I wonder if you could say the same?! Yet, you seem to like using bat-shit crazy theories that I'm in someway 'jealous' a 'martyr' 'moany' or drama-filled'. Because, all I want to do is help my elderly mum, and want my sister to step up once in a while?! F me. If this is what the world is coming to, then there is no hope for any of us.

@cptartapp out of all the posts on here, yours is by far the saddest. I hope to God that one day in your hour of need someone is there for you. And you don't have idiots reminding you 'loneliness is unfortunate but no-one else's responsibility'.

Time for me to bow out of this thread now. I feel very sad that some of you think my sister's selfish behaviour is acceptable. Really says a lot more about you, than it does about me. I've never once in this thread suggested i'm unhappy to help my mum, unhappy with my own life, or even suggested my sister dropped her life or changed it in any way, shape or form. All I am asking is that she steps up in a while. Makes some kind of effort - a simple birthday card, or wish goes a long way, especially when somebody lives on their own. Offering to help cover travel costs once in a while when a 75-year-old makes their way to come and see you, while having to change their own plans. It's really not too much to ask.

I hope some of you can reflect on what you've said, and take a long, hard look at yourselves. The mirror is that way...!

@annoyedville After reading your update, if your mum is anything like you are I can see why your sister keeps her distance. Just saying.

@WastingTimeOnTheInternet - judging my your name, I can see why you love to come on here and troll. Just saying.

@annoyedville ignore all the utter batshit answers from some of the PPs. There is zero unreasonable about your position and what you’re saying, I guess a lot of the other PPs are more akin to your sister than yourself x

I think when a lot of people think of an elderly mother who needs care they think of someone who is ill or frail and needs help to do daily tasks like cooking or cleaning.

As you seem to be saying that your mother has a part-time job and looks after a dog, my guess would be that she doesn't need that much "care" in terms of helping with daily tasks.

I get the impression from your posts - please do correct me if I'm wrong - that she is lonely and also needs financial support.

So the support that you offer her is money and just generally being around.

In some other countries it is considered absolutely normal that children support their parents with money, but it is quite unusual in the U.K., so if your sister does not want to support financially that isn't unreasonable,

Is your mum getting all the benefits she is entitled to?

The just generally being around - cards on birthdays and Mother's Day, phone calls and visits, these are generally expected of family in the U.K. but if she isn't doing it you will find it hard to make her.

With respect to the being lonely - there's a lot out there if she is prepared to go out and try it - I moved to a new area recently and have been going to pretty much everything - choir, band, yoga classes etc and am starting to pick up friends.

@annoyedville - thanks for responding to my "dire need"!!
The problem with so many posts on MN is that if these are real problems they need real answers rather than asking a load of strangers on the internet what they think. The whole premise of AIBU seems to fly in the face of common sense as the internet is so full of really unreasonable / anonymous people so the answer can never be at all trustworthy. Its just a way to let off steam.
Glad that you are well travelled and have lived in lots of places @annoyedville - way to go in turning this thread from martydom to stealth boast and back

It won't change to focus your energy elsewhere rather than on anger because it isn't worth it. I'm the same, my sister lives a ten minute walk from my mum, I'm 45 miles away. I'm the one providing help while she does naff all except ask for money.

@TruthSeeker2023 "I don't know why everyone thinks all the children should always hang around to care for elderly parents". This attitude is a big problem in our society. Who should look after them then with our MASSIVE carer shortage? Would you prefer your children to abandon you? This selfish attitude abounds and results in a lot of lonely and isolated people. Barring any major previous abuse, I can't see why it's such a major problem to look after our elderly in whatever way one can help.