Selfish Sister

[annoyedville]

My sister is dreadfully selfish and very self-centered. She does absolutely NOTHING to help or support my mum who lives on her own. She buggered off down south many years ago, has a career, a child and makes zero effort to do things which are convenient for anybody else. A lot Everything is on my shoulders. I also have a brother with a disability and needs a lot of help. When my mum passes, it will probably fall on me to help him too. Because I am the one who stayed closest to my mum, it has fallen on me to help out with everything. Obviously, it's my mum so I don't mind, but it does piss me off that I feel like I am on my own and my sister gets to live her life down south without doing anything.

My dd has a dentist appointment on Monday, and now I'm having to cancel it because she and my mum are going to see my sister down south because that's the only day she can make it apparently. This is just one very small thing. For Christmas, it's too expensive for my sister (who has a career) to come and spend anytime with my mum, so the emphasis is always, always, on my mum to fork out to go down there. Then there is the presents issue. My sister decided years ago that she 'doesn't do Christmas' so my dd never gets a present, or my mum. Yet, my dd likes to give her dd a present.

I don't even know why I started this thread...is anyone else in a similar position?! Obviously, I will continue to support my mum and do everything I can because she is a widow but I wish my sister would step up once in a while.

I don't know how old your daughter is but why can't you just say that she can't go to visit your sister on that day, as she has got a dentist appoinment?

I also think its fair enough if people 'don't do Christmas', we don't in my family either. If your DD still wants to send her cousin a present, then that is up to her.

You can't make anyone step up unfortunately, you will just have to learn to deal with it or ignore it.

This could have been written by me 5 years ago. Little did I know that my sister's gradual withdrawal was actually part of her master plan to estrange from nearly the entire family. She only has one remaining person she speaks to. She has some serious issues and whilst I did go through a phase of outrage about her selfishness, I actually feel lighter and happier without her. She brought nothing positive or good to my life and I didn't realise what an emotional drain she'd been on all of us until she decided to cut us off. I really feel for you, it's a shit position to be in. Try and limit what you do for your mom to a reasonable amount, don't do what I did and try and compensate for your sister's absence. Just focus on doing what is fair for you and your family rather than worrying about the bits that don't get done by your sister. If your mom feels she needs more support then it's up to her to arrange for it (gardeners, cleaners, carers etc).

Stop being a martyr for a start.
Don't cancel the dental appointment-why should you?
If your mother wishes to spend money on your sister, leave her to it.
If your daughter wants to buy her cousin a gift that's up to her. Nobody is forcing her. You know it won't be reciprocated. But that's up to your daughter.

I don’t think your sister is doing anything wrong, it’s one hundred percent right she lives her life, draws her boundaries. You choose to martyr yourself that’s ok. But it’s not ok to slag her off for not doing the same. You could have said no to your daughter’s trip. Unless she’s an adult.

i don’t get your resentment of your own sister living her life when you’ve chosen a different path.

Your sister doesn't seem to live close by to you and your mum. What do you want her to do?

Here they come, the people with no sense of family loyalty will always justify selfish behaviour. 🙄

I don't resent her living her own life, but a bit of effort wouldn't do a miss. Coming up to the north once in a blue moon to see my mum who is quite elderly now would be appreciated. It's not about me being a martyr. My mum is lonely and financially in need, so what am I suppose to do, be a selfish cow like my sister, and just not bother?!

If your mum chooses to travel down south then that’s on her. It’s annoying but your sister hasn’t really done anything wrong

She only travels down there because my sister wouldn't bother to come up.

It’s still her choice to travel down there, though.

This is just what happens when people move away - they can’t be involved in day to day things. But your sister has her own life, as do you. You also have a choice how involved to be, regardless of geography.

I have quite a lot of sympathy for your situation. Its fine for your sister to move away and live her life, but its unfortunate when care for elderly parents/disabled family members is left to the remaining siblings. People will say 'dont do this or that' but its hard for the remaining sibling - you don't have a convenient excuse for ever saying no.

You could spend years looking after your mum in her old age, sister do absolutely nothing because logistically she can't.. but I'm sure sister will still expect an equal share from your mum's will when she dies etc.

Its up to your mum to say no to constantly going down though. She might actually like opportunity to get away. Likewise your dd present giving. I would just say something gently like 'oh well you know your aunt doesnt do Christmas so don't worry about a gift for dcousin this year, buy something for yourself'. Then its up to her. Its crap that your sister doesn't get a present for her niece, despite not 'doing' Christmas 🙄

I agree with @Lorelaigilmore88 . I wonder if mum put her foot down about always coming down South whether sister might even decide to come North?

This is a really interesting read. I am the sister, in the sense that I left my home town many moons ago, live down south with my young family, have a career and earn good money. My widowed mum still lives up north about 10 mins from my sis. My sis and I don’t have a good relationship and i do think there is some resentment on her part, although I have tried everything for that not to be the case. We visit often, I insist on paying for my mum when we go out, we visit for christmasses and birthdays etc with a “whatever’s easiest for you mum” type attitude. Despite our differences, i will say my sis is a great daughter and helps my mum loads and I respect and am grateful to her for that. Meanwhile I feel guilty that i can’t be there for my mum as much as I would like. Really, I think it’s just hard when you such different perspectives. Have you ever actually said to her “mum would really appreciate a visit” or “bear in mind that’s quite expensive for mum”? I agree from your post that she sounds selfish but, rightly or wrongly, it may just not have occurred to her how her behaviour is impacting the rest of you.

I think deep down my mum knows my sister won't bother coming up. She has really withdrawn herself over the years. No birthdays, no Christmas, no Mother's Day. My mum doesn't even receive a Mother's Day/birthday card from her. My mum has asked my sister in the past and it's met with ' Can't afford it'. 'Too much work' 'Can't get the time off'. If my mum doesn't make the effort and go down there then she would never see her child, or grandchild.

@annoyedville it sounds like you resent you're sister becuase shes living her best life and becuase you haven't had the gumption to move on in yours. How is your sister meant to do much for your mum if she lives miles away - how do you think people cope when their children move to Australia etc? You've made the choice not to move out of the apron strings whereas you sister has - you could just as easily decide to move away if you wanted to.

Have you spoken to her about visiting her DM ?
I'd put all the rest of it to one side, but yes she should either visit or reimburse whoever is visiting her for their driving costs. Why does your DD have to go down with DM btw - is she driving?

@TruthSeeker2023 - You couldn't be more wrong. I have lived in quite a few places in my life (and not just the UK). But I have always been there for my mum in one way or another. I was away one year for Mother's Day...guess what - my mum still received a card and a gift from me when I was thousands of miles away. My sister?! - F all. It has nothing to do with living away, or 'living your best life'. I live a very good life here - thanks for that.

@TruthSeeker2023 why so harsh. Her sis isn’t in Australia, she’s a few hours away so not visiting is obviously more hurtful than if she were the other side of the world. And read OP’s updates - doesn’t even send a birthday card. Also just because people stay local to the area they grew up in, doesn’t mean they haven’t cut the apron strings. What a bizarre comment all round

I'm very surprised (although I shouldn't be, considering how many lonely elderly people there are in the UK) that people are endorsing the selfishness of the sister down South. Too many people in general seem to endorse the me myself and I attitude and I think in the end it results in less benefits than selfish people realise. The selfish sister may also end up isolated in old age which she won't enjoy. Just because you live in a different area, it isn't a carte blanche to abandon your responsibilities. OP I think you should just tell your sister how you feel if you haven't already. I think it's lovely that your dd gets her cousin a gift and I hope those two have a good relationship.

Your mother has the time and capacity to go and visit- so why shouldn't she?

Not everyone does Mother's Day- why should they? You choose too but your sister does not- that is perfectly fine.

@annoyedville this makes me so sad. Your poor mum. I wonder if there is more going on here than simple selfishness? Maybe your sister really doesn't like your mum?

I agree,,,the mother is going as she wishes to, no matter how much it galls the op , her daughter also wants to go, and even wants to take a gift.

op you clearly dislike your own sister and resent what you’re doing for your mum, but it’s not your sisters fault.

My mum although getting on in her age, does have responsibilities. A lot of silly assumptions on here that she has a lot of time on her hands, isn't true. She has a dog who she cares for, has a part-time job and struggles financially. I give her money each week to help her out. The irony is I've probably paid for this trip to see my sister. My sister doesn't shell out a dime towards any costs. I would understand if she did, but she doesn't. It's literally nothing.

Ok, I think we get it. You don’t like your sister and resent her. It’s not going to change op. Your mother loves her kids equally. She’s going as she wishes to, as is your daughter, there is no point being all resentful that they want to see her.

You need to learn to let it go. Do as much as you can for your mum that you are happy with. You could tell your dd that you can't afford to buy for your niece or that the effort isn't reciprocated so you just don't want to. You could tell your mum to stop being a martyr and wasting money she doesn't have on a trip down south for Christmas. You could stop propping her up financially. You choose to do these things. It may well feel like you have no choice but partners die, did your mum never consider her future with a private pension to supplement her income? Would you want your dd to live the life you do? Whilst she is alive a plan needs to be considered for your brother.

Yes I do think your sister is a selfish arse but you can't change her. I'd let her know what I thought of her though.