Gifts you want that don't exist (lighthearted)

[whatausername]

I'd like a cookery lesson with Hannibal. Not at all into the cannibal aspect but if I could persuade him to use some other kind of red meat (are we red meat??) then I bet he'd be a class A teacher. The food in the tv show always looked amazing*.

What non-existent present would you like?

*Is fairly essential to mentally replace the meat components with non-human delectables to maximise the dancing of one's tastebuds.

If you haven't seen this you will love it -

While digging in her garden, harried housewife Penny unearths a wooden box containing a gold pendant in the shape of a sundial.
She discovers that saying "shut up" while wearing the pendant causes the entire world but herself to become frozen in time and saying "start talking" makes everything begin moving again.
She uses this power to give herself much-needed reprieves from the demands of her dim-witted and hapless husband Russell and their four children: Janet and Susan, who are always fighting; Bertie, who is clumsy; and Russell Jr., who is always playing pranks.
She also silences news programs about recent arms talks between the United States and the Soviet Union and moves door-to-door anti-nuclear weapons activists away from her house while they are frozen in time.

..... I won't spoil the ending for you.

Have you tried melatonin?

I instantly thought Bernard's watch too!

A device that periodically sweeps my house for spiders and evicts them humanely without bothering me.

A box of mint Wispas.

A day at my grandparents' house in Devon in the 1970s. I don't feel like I appreciated it enough at the time. I thought all grandparents lived by the seaside...

Also seconding more Terry Pratchetts.

And a hitherto undiscovered Dorothy L Sayers!

Also Hermione's timeturner gadget. Although is this similar to Bernard's watch?

Someone who would call in at the crack of dawn (even on dark cold wet or snowy days), give my fridge a quick tidy, then put the bins out, and come back later to put them away.

I would like a tea making robot too. I did used to have an old fashioned Teasmaid, though it had some disadvantages, that hopefully the robot would overcome.

I saw an old-fashioned teasmade for a tenner in a charity shop, and I was very tempted to buy it.

I would like an app on my phone that tides my house, does the ironing and cooks me healthy, low calorie, delicious meals daily.

@QuestionableMouse Oh how I wish 😭😭😭
Not in Hartlepool but actually not in the right economic bracket!
I guess this was not so much of a gift that doesn’t exist as one that I can never afford 😂
You sound wonderful though 😍

Bernard's watch. Every time

A daily, hour long foot rub and a back tickler

I’d like a bottle of Lancôme aroma tonic perfume. They discontinued it a few years ago and I think of it every time someone asks what gift I would like.

Oh yes! I would like a bottle of Eau d'Eden, a bottle of Paco Rabane XS pour Elle, and a Cabotine soap.

A mood scale for the OH. It sits on the forehead and lets you know from 0 (safe) to 10 (you might a limb) how stressed they are.

OMG yes! The frustration is real!

A magic laundry basket.

You put your clothes in and 24 hours later they reappear clean, dry, ironed etc hanging in the correct place in the wardrobe/drawer.

A teleporter.

A pair of heels that don't damage my (very fragile) feet.

A TARDIS like machine that has buttons for eating, sleeping and hygiene which instantly sorts those needs out so I don't have to waste time with them.

Ooh yes, more Pratchett would be lovely.
I'd like a magic hair removal device for my legs and bikini line, I get awful shaving rash and cream is messy and annoying.
Also something that gives me shiny hair. A cat bed my cats would actually sleep in.
Jeans that change size when needed, never dig in and change length based on choice of shoes.

I'd like to buy DH a mind reading device. So he can read my mind and know everything that needs to be done without me pointing it out. With filters obvs, I don't want him to be able to read ALL my thoughts.

Something that will recreate in my brain that all-encompassing, completely immersive joy I used to feel going to gigs. I still like live music but find myself preferring seats to the mosh pit, wondering whether to wait for a break to go to the loo or miss a few songs to beat the queue, or hoping people won't stand up too soon

I want some Just Do It (and get organised) juice.

Thanks for that tip, I'll give it a go.

Calorie free alcohol.

A stage in my kitchen where just the click of a remote would teleport my favourite band in to play music while I cook and clean. I think about this too often.

A shopping trip to a shop where all the clothes fit me and make me look fabulous.

Tickets to see Nirvana.