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Original poster

Gifts you want that don't exist (lighthearted)

97 replies

whatausername · 16/10/2023 15:13

I'd like a cookery lesson with Hannibal. Not at all into the cannibal aspect but if I could persuade him to use some other kind of red meat (are we red meat??) then I bet he'd be a class A teacher. The food in the tv show always looked amazing*.

What non-existent present would you like?

*Is fairly essential to mentally replace the meat components with non-human delectables to maximise the dancing of one's tastebuds.

OP posts:
BlackJumpsuit · 16/10/2023 16:53

A housekeeper who does all the cleaning, laundry and cooking and remembers all the things I need to buy and do around the house 😂

They would make lovely cakes every day that were somehow healthy and the house would always smell amazing and be really tidy.

PandaG · 16/10/2023 16:54

Yes, I'd like that too!
Edited to explain I would also like Z in the Kinsey Millhone series.

kingkongs · 16/10/2023 17:05

Peacelily001 · 16/10/2023 16:05

I’d love a device that would highlight every book I’d love in the library or book shop.

I'd also love the computer system at the library to flag up any books I've borrowed before, because if it's more than a year ago I forget.

You would think they'd be able to do this, it's not much to ask!

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JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 17:05

I'd like a jackpot winning Euromillions ticket.

A robot housekeeper/cook - one that can do all my shopping, meal prep, bulk cook, load the dishwasher...

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 16/10/2023 17:06

I'd like a house elf too. Also some gadget that makes deveining prawns very easy! Blush

LeefsPrings · 16/10/2023 17:27

After the last hour, I'd quite like to be magically able to read the names of the countries on these old postage stamps I've got here. So some sort of inbuilt translator mechanism should do it.

They are not in our alphabet, and I'm going cross-eyed trying to work out if they are from China, Japan, Korea or Taiwan; Burma or similar; Kyrgyzstan or anything else in Cyrillic characters, and any number of countries who might use Arabic or some other lettering. Even with the aid of a magnifying glass and a 'how to identify foreign stamps' book, I'm struggling!!

FetchezLaVache · 16/10/2023 17:33

I would like a device that would mute DH's mutterings during DIY projects.

Jewelspun · 16/10/2023 17:45

A robotic hand that looks like 'Thing' from the Addams Family and can be controlled by my mind.

It would be out and about all day scurrying around sent to jab people I mildly don't like, Slap or punch anyone I hate, stick two fingers up or flip the bird at anyone that annoys me, wave and give a friendly Pat on the back to anyone I like, soothe and stroke the hair of those I love, give my husband a squeeze on the bum and throttle anyone that I deem needs to be throttled.

It could paint and draw wonderful masterpieces and give me a massage, brush my hair and scratch my back!

SeaToSki · 16/10/2023 17:52

I would like an automatic exerciser.. so I step into it for 10 mins and watch the news while it instantly and without making me sweat or get muscle aches, exercises all of my muscles and heart so that I am in good shape and healthy (from this aspect) without the hours of pain and anguish and need for self motivation that exercise normally needs

Wolfen · 16/10/2023 17:55

Peacelily001 · 16/10/2023 16:05

I’d love a device that would highlight every book I’d love in the library or book shop.

We might have that when we all get chips in our brain. Which might be a gift we don't want.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 18:01

SeaToSki · 16/10/2023 17:52

I would like an automatic exerciser.. so I step into it for 10 mins and watch the news while it instantly and without making me sweat or get muscle aches, exercises all of my muscles and heart so that I am in good shape and healthy (from this aspect) without the hours of pain and anguish and need for self motivation that exercise normally needs

Ooh. Yes, I'll take one of these.

MinnieMountain · 16/10/2023 18:05

Non-addictive sleeping tablets that don’t leave me groggy the next day.

DilemmaDelilah · 16/10/2023 18:12

@SeaToSki oooh yes please!
and taking it a bit further... I would like some kind of virtual massage machine (not the @funbags3 kind but as well as 😁) that would work in conjunction with your brain waves to give you the feeling that you are being massaged without actually having to go somewhere and get undressed and then have somebody do it too hard and hurt you - or not get the right place etc. Apologies to the lovely lady who comes to me regularly and does a really fab job - it would still be nicer not to have to get undressed and climb onto a massage table.

Original poster
whatausername · 16/10/2023 18:16

You'll need to make a thread on Chat so we can help you to decipher them! @LeefsPrings

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 16/10/2023 18:18

BlackJumpsuit · 16/10/2023 16:53

A housekeeper who does all the cleaning, laundry and cooking and remembers all the things I need to buy and do around the house 😂

They would make lovely cakes every day that were somehow healthy and the house would always smell amazing and be really tidy.

If you're anywhere near Hartlepool, I'm looking for another client (currently part time as a private housekeeper) and I love to bake!

QuestionableMouse · 16/10/2023 18:20

LeefsPrings · 16/10/2023 17:27

After the last hour, I'd quite like to be magically able to read the names of the countries on these old postage stamps I've got here. So some sort of inbuilt translator mechanism should do it.

They are not in our alphabet, and I'm going cross-eyed trying to work out if they are from China, Japan, Korea or Taiwan; Burma or similar; Kyrgyzstan or anything else in Cyrillic characters, and any number of countries who might use Arabic or some other lettering. Even with the aid of a magnifying glass and a 'how to identify foreign stamps' book, I'm struggling!!

Edited

Try Google Lens! It's brilliant for this kind of thing!

BEL88 · 16/10/2023 18:20

Bernard's watch

I would mostly use it to nap!

QuestionableMouse · 16/10/2023 18:20

I want an automatic, self cleaning kitchen where I close the door and it washes up, does the floor and puts all the shopping away!

DRS1970 · 16/10/2023 18:26

I would like the Doctor from Star Trek Voyager to fix my knackered back. I am certain he has the know how to sort me out.

I would also like a Star Gate so I could visit new holiday destinations, without the hassle of airports, bus terminals, and trains. Although, I am a little concerned about the energy efficiency of a Star Gate, and its impact on my energy bills.

Errolwasahero · 16/10/2023 18:28

@ErrolTheDragon snap 😉. But I think perhaps @funbags3 takes the prize. I’ll have one of those too, please !

QuestionableMouse · 16/10/2023 18:30

Oh and a magic machine that de-glutens food without changing the original taste or texture!

Lavenderosa · 16/10/2023 18:33

A magic bed that exercises my whole body to peak fitness while I sleep.

Motivator gloves that I can put on when I can't get started on something.

Garden fairy dust that will keep everything looking fabulous all year.

A 2nd brain that I can activate to deal with all the mundane stuff while I live in my creative, philosophising, day-dreaming brain.

A laundry elf who also puts everything away.

A self-replenishing fridge-freezer and pantry.

Myneighboursarewankers · 16/10/2023 18:33

Gifts i want that don't exist?

  1. a break 😂
  2. to be able to go for a wee without the toddler entourage
  3. to not have to lie that my chocolate is spicy just so I can eat it in peace

can you tell it’s been a long week? (And it’s only Monday).

CardiCorgi · 16/10/2023 18:38

A very small elephant, about knee high. We could possibly train it to water houseplants.

ChessieFL · 16/10/2023 18:45

A device that, when I wake up in the middle of the night, tells me immediately how long it’s going to be until I get back to sleep. Then, if I know I’m going to be awake for a couple of hours I can get up and do something useful instead of wasting those two hours just lying there trying and failing to get back to sleep.