My partner drank a 35cl bottle of vodka then drove and HE'S mad at ME!!

[ImWithATwat]

I am incandescent. From 11am-approx 2pm he drank a 35cl bottle of vodka.
At 430pm he went to pick up a takeaway. In the area we live. I assumed he was walking. It's literally 5 minutes away.

But then I heard a car and I thought no, it can't be. I looked out of the window and the car was gone! I realised he had fucking driven.

I told our adult offspring (I'm trying to keep this as anonymous as possible so please excuse the stupid wording) to run down after him to the takeaway and take the keys and drive them home.

They arrive back with the takeaway

And another bottle of fucking vodka !

And my partner has the nerve to say he is angry with me because by sending our offspring he feels "undermined".

I said you're lucky you aren't feeling handcuffs because I nearly called the police and if I hadn't been able to send adult child after you I would have done.

I then said I'm not talking to you today because I'm too angry but we are talking about your drinking tomorrow.

He is an alcoholic. He drinks one or two bottles of vodka a week. A bottle at a time. So he may 'only' drink once or twice but it's 35 +cl per session.

I told him ok, you think it's fine. Get the breathalyser out of the car and show me.

He refused.

When he's been drinking I go to bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend to be asleep so I don't have to talk to him because he's a fucking annoying monologuer who just wants an audience and I hate it.

Tonight I am going to have to lock my bedroom door (we have separate rooms because of his terrible snoring) because if I don't he's going to finish that second bottle and decide to talk at me for hours about how undermined he was by my sending our adult child after him.

I've had enough. Tomorrow I will be telling him he either stops drinking or he gets out. The tenancy is only in my name.

How are things this morning, OP?

I cannot imagine that drinking will stop whilst he is under your roof. If you think he is going to drive this morning, call the police as he could well be over the limit.

I have had a horrible morning. Obviously you understand I wasn't thinking about updating Mumsnet during it but I can now.

It's long as fuck.

First off he was angry with me for even raising it.

Then he said he disagrees with my approach but understands my opinion.
This royally fucked me off.

That was word for word and all I could think was what a pompous twat.

Then he said he thinks it's best if we don't talk about it right now. He still looked cross!

I told him he is lucky I hadn't called the police. He rolled his eyes.

I decided to WhatsApp him. He was just refusing to listen.

I've c&p with identifying info removed. This is the message I sent.

"What you did yesterday was an appalling lack of judgement. You drank a half bottle of vodka - that's 35cl which is 14 units
14 units being the recommended limit for total alcohol consumption spread over an entire week, certainly not in one session

You then got in the car a couple of hours our after being so drunk you were unable to stand. I watched you fall into my bedroom wall for god's sake.

To drive to the takeaway five minutes walk away! You blamed "the weather" well X could have driven you. Or gone instead. The fact you actually thought what you did was ok shows how drunk you still were.

What if you'd hit someone? You could have hurt or killed someone.

If the police had caught you driving hours after finishing 35cl of vodka you'd be in jail right now.

And if someone has seen you wobbling to the car because you were still visibly drunk then congrats. Everyone knows! You were. Still. Visibly. Drunk. When you came back and whispered that I undermined you by sending X after you, you still could not stand straight so you would have been like that getting into the car.

There is no way you can possibly justify this, Y. It is not normal to do that. It is not normal to drink a bottle of vodka in a few hours then go for more. What's more, it is outrageous to drive the car to do it.

I am ashamed that you did that.

I want you to stop drinking and I want you to go to the doctor for a full health check up.

I love you so much, you are my absolute world but you utterly shocked me last night and I now fully accept you have a binge drinking alcohol dependency and I need you to accept it too.

I suspect you now want to run away from what I've said and play it down and have us pretend it didn't happen. I implore you to not do that but to listen and truly think about it and understand that I am scared to death now. For your health and about your decision making ability, for the safety of others and yourself.

I love you and I am and have always been here for you but in this case being here for you cannot mean enabling you. You need to get help and you need to leave while you get it "

As at right now the agreement is that he will be staying in a cheap hotel and making a gp appt. He will not be taking the car, our adult offspring will drive him.

If you're going to have a go at me for not telling him it's over forever and calling the police please don't bother. This is all I can manage right now.

I think you’ve made your case well.
well done op. Let’s hope it’s the catalyst he needs to get the help he needs to change

It sounds like a step in the right direction. You don't just give up on someone you love, who you have children with.
The balls in his court now. Just try and stay strong. I know what it's like as I've been there.

Oh OP, what a tough time you’re having. I think your message was brave, clear and dignified and it sounds like you’ve got the right outcome. Do take care of yourself

Well done OP. I hope he does take on board what you've said.

My only bit of advice is, as a child of an alcoholic who has been putting up with it for my whole life is please be kind to your adult offspring and make sure they're not feeling responsible for their dad. I was the solid, dependable one in my early 20s who had to be solid and brave and not show my feelings because my parents were falling apart. It has fucked me up and it's so hard to ever admit I'm struggling even now as I feel I have to be the dependable one.

Let your partner sort his shit out, if he needs driving somewhere he can take a bus or taxi. If he drink drives call the police.

Tough Love is the only way. You did the right thing. If only to prevent anyone else being injured or killed by him.

I used to work in law around personal injury. The pain caused by a crash is immense, especially if fatal or causes serious life changing injuries, whether to the driver or someone else. On top of police action, losing your job, losing your licence. Psychological flashbacks and trauma.

It would put huge emotional and financial pressure on you.

Don't wait until that happens.

applause
That was STRONG. Well done.

You should have called the police. It won't have been the first or last time he's driven when drunk.

Well done

Vodka from 11am? Your partner may have a problem.

@Haveallthesongsbeenwritten it literally says later on in the paragraph you've quoted that he's an alcoholic

This is so sad

@ImWithATwat

Well done on sending him to a hotel. As far as that nebulous 'future', well, you've done today what you had the emotional strength to do.

Now, focus on yourself. Contact Al-Anon and go to a meeting. Listen to the people who have traveled the road you're just starting down. Don't focus on him or his recovery. Focus on yourself and what you need for yourself.

Well done! Really well done. It must have been so hard in the face of his denial and evasions.

Writing it all out can be so helpful - gives you control, no interruptions, choosing the right words, no emotion controling what you're trying to say, being clear, factual and calm.

You've been assertive.

You've set boundaries and requirements.

All the very best to you.

It must be a long hard climb but the first steps are being taken.

You have done really well OP, it’s easy for us to say but very hard for you to do .

Please do reach out to al anon and go along to a group. You are going to need some RL support , from others who know what it’s like. Because in a few days your husband is going to try to move back in, because he has made a Gp Appointment etc .

He will tell you that he went to the GP and the Gp said he doesn’t have a problem , that’s he’s not drinking too much / is not dependent.

He will tell you that he’s seen a counsellor who says it’s all your fault because you are controlling . And that you are damaging / preventing his recovery but not letting him move back.

He will recruit family members / friends / maybe your kids to tell you that you need to let him come back because he needs your support / you need to forgive him / you are being heartless / he’s doing this for you and you need to do something for him.

How do I know this ? Because they all do it, it’s part of the script. And if you let him back home, he will be good for a few days and then it will all start again. He might even do a better job of hiding his drinking for a few weeks .

So please get some support for you, to help you stay strong and put yourself and the kids first for once.

He needs to be in charge of his own recovery and do it for himself.

OP do it. Get shot of him now.

I am married to an alcoholic who has no judgement. I was on the verge of leaving him earlier this year. He has had MANY chances.
In July he had a stroke. He is denying it had anything to do with the alcoholism. It very obviously did. If I hadn't' found him, he'd be dead. I honestly thought that would be his rock bottom. He was in hospital for a month.
He was drinking again within the week.
I am now stuck with him. His salary is up in the air as he can't work so waiting on confirmation of what's happening there. His short term memory is even worse than it was before the stroke - he forgets every single thing he is told. There's no way he can look after himself and we can't afford him to get his own place anyway. I cannot pay the mortgage alone. I am not moving my kids out of this house and causing them more stress and upheaval unless I have to but without knowing his job situation I can't do anything anyway. So we are at stalemate
And I wish I'd followed through and chucked him out at the beginning of the year. Because frankly, this is no fun.

Follow through OP. please.

I understand you wanting to give hima last chance, but let this be his last chance. He is in denial, so he won't change. Been there, ut did nit end well and I'm just glad mine didn't drive.

@ImWithATwat

Read this. Read it again. Because this is what alcoholics do. They turn it all on you to try to make you responsible for their recovery. And then responsible for their drinking when their recovery inevitably fails. Google DARVO and get familiar with it, because you'll be experiencing it. A lot.

Good luck. Be strong.

OP if he doesn’t go and get himself sorted you must split with him. I have been in your shoes and left (with two small children in tow). If he doesn’t sort himself out right now then trust me he’s not going to until something terrible happens, either to himself or someone else. I’ve been there, I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I got angry, I got compassionate, been there, done that - to no avail. He finally got help when he was hospitalised and very ill and I was no longer his safety net. 💐

You cannot win against an alcoholic. Alcohol will always come first with them.
Kick him out.
Call 101, give his car registration to the police and state that he often drives drunk, say how much he drinks. His car will be marked and he’ll get pulled over and breathalysed at some point.
You could prevent a death(s) by doing this.