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Original poster

My partner drank a 35cl bottle of vodka then drove and HE'S mad at ME!!

73 replies

ImWithATwat · 14/10/2023 17:25

I am incandescent. From 11am-approx 2pm he drank a 35cl bottle of vodka.
At 430pm he went to pick up a takeaway. In the area we live. I assumed he was walking. It's literally 5 minutes away.

But then I heard a car and I thought no, it can't be. I looked out of the window and the car was gone! I realised he had fucking driven.

I told our adult offspring (I'm trying to keep this as anonymous as possible so please excuse the stupid wording) to run down after him to the takeaway and take the keys and drive them home.

They arrive back with the takeaway

And another bottle of fucking vodka !

And my partner has the nerve to say he is angry with me because by sending our offspring he feels "undermined".

I said you're lucky you aren't feeling handcuffs because I nearly called the police and if I hadn't been able to send adult child after you I would have done.

I then said I'm not talking to you today because I'm too angry but we are talking about your drinking tomorrow.

He is an alcoholic. He drinks one or two bottles of vodka a week. A bottle at a time. So he may 'only' drink once or twice but it's 35 +cl per session.

I told him ok, you think it's fine. Get the breathalyser out of the car and show me.

He refused.

When he's been drinking I go to bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend to be asleep so I don't have to talk to him because he's a fucking annoying monologuer who just wants an audience and I hate it.

Tonight I am going to have to lock my bedroom door (we have separate rooms because of his terrible snoring) because if I don't he's going to finish that second bottle and decide to talk at me for hours about how undermined he was by my sending our adult child after him.

I've had enough. Tomorrow I will be telling him he either stops drinking or he gets out. The tenancy is only in my name.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 14/10/2023 19:17

Stop giving him chances, because all you will do is do the same thing the next time. The time is now to get rid of his absolute stupiditity

MistyMooPup · 14/10/2023 19:19

Hi OP I can see you’re in a vulnerable position because of your disability. But however much he does for you, he doesn’t deserve you.

I had an alcoholic father. It’s so damaging I can’t describe the damage. Please get rid.

Lilithlogic · 14/10/2023 19:19

ImWithATwat · 14/10/2023 18:24

I should have called the police. I'm kicking myself tbh but I had seconds to act and in the moment I told myself that by the time they arrived he would have been home and I needed to get him out the driver's seat asap and so I sent our adult child down the ginnel to the main road to cut him off. (It's a shorter route to the takeaway)

I'm locked in my room and he knows full well why. There's no point talking to him now. I'm too angry and need to be able to speak calmly. I can't carry on like this. This has really shaken me. I do not understand how he could be so reckless. I don't need to understand how though. It's enough for me that he made that choice. Why he did doesn't matter. If I don't tell him quit or out then what I'm in effect telling him is I'm ok with you drinking and driving. I can't do that.

Oh come on, you are just giving him licence to do it again, then to ask for forgiveness again

Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2023 19:22

Op I’m glad you realise how serious this is. Ultimatums don’t tend to work with alcoholics. They agree and then just hide the drinking. So you are constantly on edge and stressed. I’d tell him to leave and seek support from Al-anon for yourself.

If he comes back to you in several months saying he has stopped drinking and has all the supports in place to stay off it and apologises for what he has put you through then your relationship has a chance. But right now your priority needs to be yourself.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/10/2023 19:30

I’d kick him out. As the ex of an alcoholic (now reformed) I’m telling you it won’t get better until he’s at death’s door or arrested or whatever else is his rock bottom. He’s not there yet so there’ll be no stopping him for the foreseeable future. Save yourself future grief and tell him to go.

TheSilentSister · 14/10/2023 21:34

I was engaged to a bloke who was an alcoholic but hid it quite well. Yes I knew he liked a drink but he hid the fact that he drank in the morning and through the day (we didn't live together)
It's likely your DP is drinking more often than you know.
I finished it the day he called me up to tell me he'd been caught drink driving and had the gall to accuse me of shopping him and if it wasn't for me, he'd be ok! I told him it wasn't me but that was it as far as we were concerned.
When things get that bad OP, it's time to call it a day. Be honest with yourself, his drinking is not out of character to him and him driving when it was totally unnecessary shows his lack of control and thinking. It isn't going to get better. Do yourself a favour and kick him out. It might shock him into changing but don't hold your breath.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:00

Surely he's undermined you by constantly drinking and drink driving in front of the children, more than you have by keeping him (and the general public) safe by sending them after him. He's embarrassed himself am blaming you- why should you keep his dirty little secret, which I'm sure isn't much of a secret anyway.
I agree with the LTB by the way xx

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2023 22:07

I'm from a family of alcoholics and it is shit and has ruined many things in my life. Do you still have children living at home? If so they deserve a safe space that isn't blighted by drink.

createadifference · 15/10/2023 07:45

Anyone who would knowingly risk the lives of innocent people can never be trusted.

WandaWonder · 15/10/2023 07:48

Lucy377 · 14/10/2023 18:15

I'm curious as to why didn't you run to the takeaway yourself?

Why does your kid have to be dragged in to mop up your relationship mess.
Not fair.

Absolutely this, Absolutely ridiculous and the police should have been called

gelatogina · 15/10/2023 07:51

Get rid of this loser!

PerspiringElizabeth · 15/10/2023 07:53

Lucy377 · 14/10/2023 18:15

I'm curious as to why didn't you run to the takeaway yourself?

Why does your kid have to be dragged in to mop up your relationship mess.
Not fair.

It’s hardly a relationship mess 😵‍💫 it’s his own individual mess. OP has zero responsibility for his drinking.

ZekeZeke · 15/10/2023 07:53

You are not married-Tick
Tenancy is in your name -Tick

Kick the alcoholic leech out

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 07:56

There's no point in an ultimatum. At some point you're going to have to accept he has to leave. Are you there yet?

WandaWonder · 15/10/2023 07:58

PerspiringElizabeth · 15/10/2023 07:53

It’s hardly a relationship mess 😵‍💫 it’s his own individual mess. OP has zero responsibility for his drinking.

Show quote history

Neither do the children

Beansontoastwithbutter · 15/10/2023 08:07

As someone who has been knocked down by a drunk driver, you are the problem with society.

You 1000% need to phone the police and report him driving while drunk.

PerspiringElizabeth · 15/10/2023 08:14

WandaWonder · 15/10/2023 07:58

Neither do the children

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. But still doesn’t mean it’s all on OP’s shoulders. Kids are able bodied grown ups, OP is not.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/10/2023 08:21

@WandaWonder and @Lucy377 the op can't walk or drive due to disability. I absolutely agree she should leave, be strong etc but it's going to be complex and difficult in a way it might not be for someone with more independence. Let's not pile on and have a go at her. Most of us don't, in reality, live up to what we theoretically "would" do.

Notcookie · 15/10/2023 08:24

Get him to watch "Time" on iplayer. It's about a normal guy who drink drives, kills a cyclist and ends up in prison.

Hugosauras · 15/10/2023 08:26

If you love and care for him, you should kick him out. And if you don't love or care for him, then you should also kick him out. Either way 6ou will be doing you both a favour. He needs to seriously address his drinking. It is sadly too late for my sister. She is in her 40s and terminally ill with end stage liver failure. It's an absolute hideous way to die. Hallucinations, severe ascites (14l of fluid drained from the abdomen at a time), back pain, fatigue, hair loss, severe muscle wastage (unable to walk unaided), bleeding in the esophagus, inability to clot blood, so a fall and you can bleed to death, confusion ... it's horrendous. He needs to see exactly what the end looks like. If he still has some liver function, then if he gives up drinking he could have another 10-15 years left. Once he moves into decompensated cirrocis he will have a short life expectancy, even if he gives up drinking. Now is the time to get very serious about this. His starting point is going to the drs and also getting his liver tested.

ChappellApple · 15/10/2023 08:56

Two weeks ago, my close friend's daughter's boyfriend died on his bike because of a drunk and pilled up driver on his way home from the pub, smashing in to him (the other young man on a bike with him had serious, life changing injuries, as well). He was only 17. Had his whole life ahead of him. So many familie's lives ruined. My kid was friends with this young man and is so upset, we all are (I really cant imagine what his poor family are going through because of that selfish person's decision to get behind the wheel after that evening at the pub). Please dont put yourself and your family through it.

Peaceandkindness · 15/10/2023 08:59

FOJN · 14/10/2023 17:55

Kick him out. He's an alcoholic, it will only get worse until he decides he's had enough.

This and report it to the police and the GP.

WonderingWanda · 15/10/2023 09:18

He's not going to quit. Kick him out. Also I would still report to the police because he is a liability and they should have his number plate and be on the look out for him. He didn't kill anyone this time but he clearly doesn't give a shit or have any control over himself once drunk.

JFDIYOLO · 15/10/2023 09:26

Alcoholics are addicts.

There is nothing so important to them as their next fix. Not partner, family, friends, job, reputation - just the next time they can get high.

Whether it's shooting up, blowing a grand on online gambling, knocking back another bottle of vodka - it's the only thing that matters.

His only relationship is with the bottle. It's a marriage for life, and his will be shorter and nastier than yours. It's a chosen fate.

You're the OW. Who will also end up an unpaid nurse to a physical and mental wreck of a man if he doesn't kill himself or end up in prison for killing someone else.

YireosDodeAver · 15/10/2023 09:31

Well done
You are right

Get him gone. Ultimatums don't work. He needs to hit rock bottom before he can get himself out of the pit he has dug for himself. Letting him stay if he promises to reform (which he won't) only stretches out the pain for longer.

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