Did you choose to have a gravestone when you were bereaved and do you regret it?

[ZolaBudd]

walked past the graveyard this morning and was considering how when my dad died we never considered either a burial or an interment of ashes. So no grave. Didn’t want anything really. (He was very loved!!)

Wondering if anyone had a grave or similar and regrets it.
Hope this makes sense

No and no.
I rarely visit the town I grew up in (and where both my parents lived and died) as I only have two cousins there now.

My parents’ ashes were scattered at a place significant to them.

I want no gravestone for others to have to tend.

Didn't have one for my mother don't regret it. Had one for other parent, don't visit as too far away.

My dad said ‘don’t get a grave that folk have to schlep out to!’i want to be sprinkled into the wind.

Not for my parents, and they didn't for any of their parents either- all cremated. I scattered my parents somewhere beautiful and special to them, and it wouldn't be possible to have a marker there anyway.

My mother tends several generations of gravestones in cemeteries over a fair bit of countryside. It’s very meaningful to her, so I will take over if I’m living in the same country then.

It would still be a very unusual decision here not to have a headstone — cremation is growing, but still a small proportion compared to burial. I think less than 20% of all deaths.

I think if you’re Catholic, the expectation is that your body/ashes are buried so all my relatives are buried with headstones. But I like the idea of my ashes being sprinkled at sea. My baby daughter’s body is buried and I’m glad we have somewhere to go although headstone not in place yet.

My family erected one for my DS but nothing for my DF who died before her. I appreciate having somewhere to visit (though I don’t live in the same country as the grave so that is infrequent).

My father doesn't want a gravestone because he regrets getting his parents one.

Although they live local to the grave with works etc, they don't find time to visit often. They feel a lot of guilt about this.

Every visit, they spend "tending" it, cleaning and weeding. Dad feels guilty that people who were much loved in their lifetime have stones where moss grows etc and dead flowers

Lots of the graves are immaculate, and people must tend them very regularly so at times it feels oddly competitive. Eg the grave next door always has fresh flowers, trinkets etc so he feels his letting his parents down.

He simply feels a lot of guilt about not going more regularly and doesn't feel its helpful

He is quite clear that he wants none of that guilt, that he wants to be scattered somewhere like the sea where there's no pressure to visit, and that you could visit wherever beach you wanted if you did feel the need

Where is "here" @Splitscreened?

I find gravestones fascinating.

I'm guessing Ireland?

We buried my relative's ashes in the family plot with her parents and grandparents. So having a cremation doesn't necessarily mean no grave or headstone. She was religious and the Catholic Church stipulates that all remains need to be placed in or on consecrated ground so that's why we didn't scatter the ashes.
I like having somewhere to visit.

Yes. As a pp said, ashes still tend to be buried, often in family plots, even if someone is cremated, but it’s still a fairly small percentage of deaths in total. I imagine it will rise in future. I don’t know many people of my parents’ generation (mid- to late-70s) who don’t have a plot, either a family one with space left, or one they’ve bought for themselves.

My dear mum's ashes are in a lovely antique wooden box I bought and are in my sitting room along with a photo and candle. Maybe one day I will scatter her ashes. But for now I like to have her here💔

We sponsored a bench for my grandparents, still there 25 years later but looking a little worse for west

I have absolutely no idea what happened to my parents ashes.

My sister. Niece and stepdad went and got the grave stone. Didn't tell me they were planning on going (I don't live in the same country as them)

I don't like it. When I go to her grave i still dont like it 8 years on. I try to tell myself stepdad likes it and he goes the most. But it doesn't change reality. I don't always go to her grave when I visit now. I can remember her well enough without it.

My daughter was buried and we had intended to have a headstone, but then I saw a documentary about the terrible conditions of the workers in a lot of the quarries where the stone comes from- I think in India, but it was a long time ago so I'm not sure. A friend carved a large Celtic cross from oak for us, and we had that put up instead. It's beautiful and felt like a fitting tribute to her.

I'm glad that I have a place to go and lay flowers and pray. I'm glad that her place of rest is marked and that she is buried among members of her extended family.

When my nephew died, his mother had him buried, but there is no grave marker.I find it sad and it feels cold to me not to mark a grave, but I've never seen anyone at his grave, so perhaps she doesn't feel the same (his father never met him which is why I only mention his mother).

I don't think there is a right way. My choices probably seem unusual to some people, so I am not going to judge anyone else harshly for theirs. I visit my daughter's grave (and her grandparents', great uncle's, cousin etc) reasonably often, but I find it terribly upsetting even after 17 years, so I try to go alone. I understand why other people might not want to visit graves, but it helps me to do so, because it is the only thing left that I can do for her.

That’s so interesting to me, @RampantIvy — is it that a relative took charge of them and possibly still has them, or that they were scattered without your knowledge? Or they’re in your attic somewhere?

We have a headstone for my parents and grandparents (all were buried in 2 adjoining plots) and have headstones for both, hewn from local stone. I find it very comforting to visit them (cemetery is just a couple of streets away from my house), but it”s a deeply personal thing-no right or wrong, just right for you

Both my parents' ashes were scattered in the garden of remembrance at the crematorium.

I've only been to the crematorium for their funerals. Never been back. It's not near me, and I have no other relatives in that area.

I have expressed my wishes that my ashes are scattered, and that I would prefer it if my adult DC didn't have any permanent 'memorial' . I don't think there's a right or wrong way

No grace for my mum and no regrets! However we did scatter her ashes at the grave of her father (who died when she was a baby and none of us them him) so in a way, there's a 'place' but mum definitely wouldn't have wanted us to spend money on stones/graves. In fact, after she died we found a newspaper article in her files all about budget funerals. She'd highlighted the name of the company and circled it so we felt she'd told us which company to use. Miss her every day. ❤️

My dad died three years before my mum, and I have no idea what was discussed. When my mum died my sister, uncle and auntie organised the funeral and the cremation, and again, I have no idea what was discussed. TBH it simply never occurred to me to ask what would happen to the ashes. I had moved away years before and wasn't on hand to sort the details out. They aren't in my attic because I was never given them.

I am not heartless. I loved my parents and had a good relationship with them, but until they died I had only been to one funeral beforehand and wasn't familiar with the etiquette.

My dad is in a garden ornament in the back garden, watching over his fishpond